Little victories in daily life

A blog where Kaze shares little things they are proud of and stuff they accomplished as well as stuff they struggle with. SO, bestie, kadan, mi amor, nee-chan, waifu and Alex are all different important people in Kaze's life people. Kaze is 27, ace and...

[kazeslittlevictories]

Today I told mum how the source of my anxiety was what happened you me as a kid when dad drank. I also told her that explaining why she didn't know better is not an apology for me (she's explaining/excusing her faults all the time). She then tried saying the words directly. We had a two hour talk about relationships and my dad and stuff. I learned that mum has tinnitus and memory loss issues - she refused to see a neurologist about this and didn't really get my point that she had to start addressing her fears and not just stomping them down, because one had similar stuff happen to me and I know I got my bad coping skills from her. She also told me a bit about dad while he was an alcoholic. I know he did rehab, which is a plus I think. And I know for sure what I remembered in tiny fragments. It's given me a strange calmness. For now. Who knows how I'll handle the new info later. Also not replying to anyone after 21/9pm meant that today I had the evening for myself and that was so calming! Even though I had an emotionally loaded talk with mum. I took a break today and it helped so much 😆

[kazeslittlevictories]

Yesterday I've had talks with L and my lovely psychiatrist M about how my attacks feel overwhelming, like I can't breathe and how this feeling bleeds into my appetite/how I want to puke/ dry-retch instead of eating. We've talked with L about things that overwhelm me, like chatting with many people late or overplanning, or funnily enough - loud sounds. L asked about how I feel when I "should" eat. I guess she was trying to find out if me forcing myself made it worse. I explained that when I skip meals because I just can't eat, then I'll skip too many meals and don't eat at all. It's also harder to start eating regularly again, once I let my routine slip. L suggested I take one day a week for myself to recharge. I like the idea of down time but I think got my sleep cycle it will be better to have down time ever night before bed. Not getting new inputs into my brain as I get ready for bed. I hope this helps ease the internal pressure I feel. Because frankly my brain gets bad ideas how to stop the pressure (self-harm n worse)... As I got home I found a [great comic] on sharing household labour. It made me realise another thing that causes pressure. I might not do half of the household chores (or maybe I do?) But I definitely keep what needs to be done and when in my head. Signif needs specific detailed instructions. He doesn't see when the laundry basket is full, doesn't put dry laundry away until told. The kitchen is his domain, but he won't do the dishes until told. He first understood that I'm telling him of about the division of chores. Then I told him that I mean how he's not thinking in the big picture or planning beforehand on a simple example. That he understood. We agreed to work on that, though it will take a long time to change his behaviour patterns... I'm setting even firmer boundaries because I realised I'm shit at setting and reinforcing boundaries.

[kazeslittlevictories]

Let’s try another anxiety report.

I’m on duloxetin and it’s helping ok. I don’t experience a continuous anxious state for the whole day. Now it’s down to 2-5 anxiety attacks per day. I know it sounds horrible but it’s better than before.

We’ve upped my trazodone for sleep because I started to wake up to early in the mornings. This meant like 4h of deep, uninterrupted sleep. This week I’m having more anxiety which could be caused by the higher dose or me having to take care off fluffy signif while he’s mostly bed ridden with back pain. Or you know, the con this weekend where I’m selling stuff in the artist alley. Or that I’m terribly missing elegant signif while she’s away working at a film festival.

It’s not even really bad anxiety, it just involves me no wanting to eat, because I’m doing too much adulting these days. I have to clean, get groceries and do the laundry and that’s so much stress I have trouble eating enough a day.

Also, I think I might have triggered myself today when reading an article about 13 reasons why ... I got sick ad started retching a bit. The urge to puke was there but not enough to actually puke. I’m trying to get get more in touch with my emotions which means I’m learning different ways of feeling bad.

I’m also learning nice feelings like being happy because I got together with elegant signif. We were crushing on each other for about 1,5 years. XD Yes, hubby knows about this and is happy for us. Yes, we’re polyamorous.

[kazeslittlevictories]

I think I just felt an emotional flashback turn into an anxiety attack and I want to capture that. Flashback: I wanted to hide. The danger was behind me, following me. Even though I was in bed, under my blanket I did not feel safe. I battled this by listing things I saw, heard, touched, smelled. I began to wonder about my state ever improving which lead to Anxiety attack: scared, but the felling came from the front and kinda within me. I started playing with my mala beads (great wooden texture) and sniffed on my aroma therapy locket (currently a lovely flowery smell) talking deep breaths. That calmed me pretty nicely actually. I hope I can use this in therapy. I'll also try the locket with flashbacks as certain flowery smells evoke save and protected feelings, even though I don't remember why. It would be cool if I had a thing that works with both anxiety and flashbacks.

[kazeslittlevictories]

Word of advice, mention asap that you already wake up with anxiety (and that it's a state that lasts really long) ... XD I mean, I told L as soon as I realised it when the new psych, MM, asked me. I think that being anxious is my basic state. L asked how I would have been of my parents ere more supporting and less slut- and fat-shaming from an early age. Frankly, I can't imagine that. This is the foundation of my life and personality. I definitely wouldn't be as supportive and kind without knowing so much hurt. I could do without the alleviated pulse and consta-tense body. L said that I'm good and enough as I am. I mean, I realised during that session (on Monday) how screwed my life really is. I was kinda falling apart a couple hours after the session, but felt better the next day. As it is, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to relax and not feel constantly threatened by the world, but I think my proper in life will continue to be helping others so they'll never feel a bad as I did/do. I'll write a post about my dissociation and losing touch with reality/sense of self later. For now it's bed time as the pills actually help me sleep deeper. Still no idea if the higher AD dosis works or not. I'm slowly getting rid of side effect extra anxiety *shrugs*

[kazeslittlevictories]

*announcer voice* Today's anxiety attack was brought to you by the state healthcare system! More precisely, the planned cuts that might affect me. No idea yet, since nobody saw the proposal so far. But the irony, oh the irony. I basically took today off for just goofing around and that helped with the heightened anxiety. The baseline is still pretty high though. Curse you, side-effects. I hope it lessens next week, as my body adjusts to the new dosis.

[kazeslittlevictories]

Since I usually write posts for this blog right before bed, to recap my day, I now have trouble updating here, because I'm on a low antidepressant dosis to help me sleep. It works, my sleep quality improved. I am still tired easily because anxiety is acting up too often but I fall asleep easier and sleep deeper. On that note. Hello anxiety, my old friend. I am in a state of perpetual anxiety, basically. I do get things done, I am starting to *plan* for downtime, instead of working task after task until I have to sleep with anxiety ridden paralysis in form of endless scrolling or binge-watching. I am delegating stuff! And pointing out to signif that making me clean when I'm anxious af and busy with work is not a good idea. He's not very keen on cleaning by himself and when he does, we can't find stuff because he doesn't remember when it's supposed to go out where he put it... XD But he thanked me for lobbying that he puts all his physical documents into one single folder. He didn't understand the system until he had to find papers from a month ago to pick up his new insurance card. Thanks when he thanked me. Another point to address - I think I am dissociating while scrolling etc... I remember the thank you as if it was a dream. (I asked him - this scene did happen.) I think I am fighting the dissociation though. Because when I let myself curl up, close my eyes and lose myself, my anxiety often gets less bad. Food for thought and definitely a thing to discuss with L. I'm also changing psychiatrists. I like the new dude more. He understood that I might be functioning but I do suffer. Whereas, my old psych pegged me wrongly multiple times even though I pointed out why her assumptions were wrong and she was trying to get some extra cash by ridiculous fees like for having her phone number it's 3€ per month, paid upfront for the whole year. Not 24h calling privilege, n just for having her phone number to reschedule appointments. She seemed more interested in the wedding stuff than me. Sure it was stress, but i was coping pretty good for my standards. I like the new dude a lot more. He understood that I know a lot about psychology. His conclusion was that me being in therapy shows but when I told him, I do read on this as a hobby, he rolled with it. I also paid for a private health clinic of sorts. I pay an administrative fee but everything else goes via state healthcare. I get appts for a specific time, docs work also in the afternoon, everyone is nice. I've eliminated the reasons why I don't go to doctors as soon as I should and it's stress free for me so I can go as enough as I should, where before I went as much as I could stomach... Lots of development. Some of it positive.

[kazeslittlevictories]

sylphidine replied to your post “I keep wanting to write about how cool the wedding was, but I am so...”

I love you and believe in you.

not-poignant replied to your post  “I keep wanting to write about how cool the wedding was, but I am so...”

 *offers all the gentle hugs* <3 <3 <3

Thanks to you both, for your kind words!

[kazeslittlevictories]

I keep wanting to write about how cool the wedding was, but I am so tired and anxious for no other reason, that this is my permanent state of mind. I feel like I felt when reading the deadly hallows - constantly on the run from a force that threatens my basic existence.

I’ve read up on mindfulness and that helped a tiny bit. My “my story isn’t over yet” suicide awareness arrived a couple days after the wedding and that helps me keep it together too but the self-hate and feeling threatened is still running strong. Fact is I’ve neglected my self-care a lot in this past month.

I’m going to see a therapist that has experience working with trans people and discuss my dysphoria. And maybe get some nice compressive sports bras? I do need to wear some kind of binder now to lessen the self-hate/dysphoria and my old one makes me itch too much. I’m going to work out to hopefully make the ladies even smaller.

[kazeslittlevictories]

Picture time! I was stressing out a lot because mum made panic and how my brother is pissed at me. Today we went lunch - bro, mum and me. He then came over to my place for tea and we talked like normal people. About all sorts of things. I asked several times about all the points he was allegedly mad and he wasn't? Mum creating unnecessary drama for you. Because planning a wedding is not stressful at all X'D Anyway. I've started on my bouquet. Pic on the right is 10 roses and pic on the left is 20 roses + a mock up of how the bouquet should look like. I've worked on it these last couple days and it helped me chill (that and talking to my brother) I have to wrap the stems in ribbon and wire wrap the whole thing tight. Then only 30ish tiny flowers to decorate pins for the quests. Those go much faster as they are much smaller. Crafting and making progress on the wedding plans keeps anxiety at minimal levels. I still get random *panic* impulses from my brain, but it's less loud today and that was a great breather from fighting to get of the house. I was actually calm around my brother, like no anxiety at all and I didn't expect that as I realised later. He's impulsive and shouts easily, which is never good for me but we had a lovely nice talk today. About drugs, meds, our neurologists. We went together avnd got him prescription-free sleeping pills. His insomnia is similar to mine when untreated - he can't fall asleep for 1-3h no matter when he goes to bed and once he does fall asleep, he sleeps in until late. Might be worth if doctors checked us both out.

[kazeslittlevictories]

@not-poignant thanks a lot! I'm trying my best. I took some anxiolitics in hopes that it will help calm me down. Next step is meditating.

[kazeslittlevictories]

This will feature self-hate and I'm on mobile so I can't do a read more. . . . So mum is super bothered by my brother's outbursts that we didn't invite a plus one for him for our wedding. Mind you, I already explained to him why and he doesn't a have partner. I considered it solved when I told mum that I'll talk to him and that I'm future she is to tell him to talk to me and not literally anyone else but me. Then I told her, a couple hours later to not ask me to solve his problems because I can't handle it and it's his problems. A couple hours later I got an email that mum wants to help pay for the wedding so that we can invite a friend for my brother. (We'd have to book a bigger venue so it's not just paying for one more meal) It was not the only thing about the wedding she bugged me with, but this is the one she keeps bringing up. She wants us to have a good relationship but she places the whole burden on me. It reminded me of all the times, my boundaries and needs were trapped upon so that he's happy. And by reminded I mean triggered bad self-loathing. It's 0421 and I can't call down enough to fall asleep. I replied to her email and pointed out just how much she wants (me) to make my brother happy and that I'm not ok with that. Needless to say how bad and damaging this is for me and for him, because he can't compromise. Depending on their replies I'll tell my brother, mother and anyone else bitching that I don't care if they are there. I only need my signif and two witnesses so the wedding is legal. Thanks. Ugh, come on brain. Let me sleep.

[marsixm]

hey if ur reading this and ur in a bad spot mentally or anything i hope u feel better soon and have a good day

[kazeslittlevictories]

Signif is dutifully applying the anti-scar cream and helps me feel more ok about myself. There was some family drama yesterday that involved my dad screaming which always triggers a different kind of self-loathing but holy shit, my dad apologised for it today? Not sure which one from the multiple outbursts but he never ever apologised for his angry shoutings. Yesterday was sooo exhausting because we told the fam about our wedding (that's happening in a month) and besides questions about me being pregnant and why we're not inviting uncle M it was relatively drama free. (Uncle M is not the only one we're not inviting my my dad hated his brother and I'm low key scared of him so we cut him to squeeze into the room we booked for the wedding reception). Today were calls about announcing people about wedding and inviting some over to a party we are hosting for friends. I'm pretty confident we can fend off people trying to push their ideas onto us and everyone else who's not invited should be more understanding than grandma (as uncle M was actually pretty chill about not being invited) I was having bad anxiety attacks yesterday on the way to the-laws, so I took some anxiolitics - it helped so much! Today we celebrate mum's birthday and my parents are actually supportive about the wedding? Asking if we need help and accepting that we have everything settled? I did not expect them to behave like adults? I don't know how else to phrase it. The in-laws were like why didn't you tell sooner? You sure you're not pregnant? What will I wear? While dad suggested we book extra parking spaces at the restaurant and mum offered me a white pearl necklace if I need jewellery to the dress. Them having my back and accepting my choices is so unusual and baffling. It's been so long that they've been this supportive without being suffocating I don't know how to deal with it. It's nice though. We announced the wedding on fb today and my friends were happy for us. That was sweet <3 But all the phone calls and visits left us emotionally drained. We cuddled a lot on the bed and talked about each reaction. I have one more phone call to make and signif had to call all his extended fam. He didn't have the spoons for it today. Tomorrow is a family trip the cinema. I'm taking mum and dad to see Moana and my bro decided to join us. I'm curious how this will turn out XD I know mum will dig the film. Nature and happy ending and deep message, totally her style.

[kazeslittlevictories]

This was a quiet two weeks spent watching hp and yoi and recharging. I'm not feeling very Christmassy, but more than last year and pretty good all things considered. I think I'm looking forward to the wedding kinda? We're gonna tell the families on Sunday! I am scared how they will react. Mostly because we're presenting a mostly set up thing and obviously don't care about their opinions. My fam probably will be ok, because they wouldn't have had much input, but signif's fam doesn't really grasp that he'll be 30 next year and is living *his* life (as opposed to being a Sims character for them). Next week were watching a musical with friends and I ask so looking forward to that. I love musicals and I've wanted to see cats. I am torn how to dress though. I have had a low key self-hate for a while now. I thought it was because I was overpeopled but it's not going away? Could it be that I'm dysphoric about my boobs because these days I'm using cream on them daily? I did notice the unpleasant feeling rising when apply the anti scar cream. I took a break for two days and I started to feel a bit better so maybe I'll ask signif to apply the cream? IDK My scars are healing ok without the cream too, so I might reduce the dose and me focusing on my boobs. I'm more or less happy with my figure but sometimes my perspective of myself gets weird and deformed and I have to figure out what is causing it this time. Anxiety meanwhile behaves ok. Trololo. *sighs* brain when will you give me a break?

[thatsthat24]

New YouTube Video!! In this video, Lilly Singh and I discuss something I struggle with each day, and I’m sure many of you do too!! I hope the tips we go over can also help you when you need to take on anxiety in your every day life!! 

[hellyeahthomassanders]

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT!!!!

[homelandsexual]

i ship anxiety and prince

[kazechama]

When all hope is lost and the world seems unbearable, find something new to hope for and start the change yourself.

A friend’s grandmother (via kazechama)

@diaryofasubmissiveslut