Clearing Cobwebs

The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. Still, the darkness must be kept at bay, one cobweb at a time. One cut lip and a chipped tooth at a time, in this case.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

Anxiety's Natural Enemy

I worry. A lot. Somehow, though I find relief from my incessant anxiety in knowing that every day closer to facing one of my worries is also one day closer to when I won’t ever have to worry about anything else ever again.

Am I suicidal? No. But I am practical. I like living, but life is difficult. There is a lot to fear. I am plagued with dread and pressure and failure. And at some point, there will be a natural end to all of that.

There are no worries beyond death. That is a perk.

keepingthedarknessatbay

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

Don’t wait ‘til it’s too late.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

What I Really Want

I am just gonna put it out there: My dream is to work from home as a writer and a mother, so that I can combine my two first loves and the love I have discovered since marrying,

1) writing about topics that make a difference on a large scale (not cookbooks, no offense to the cookbook writers),

2) being around to care for my kids, not missing those just awakened moments, when their faces still hold the patterns of the pillow creases and

3) caring for my home. Cooking, combining flours, gardening, keeping things running smoothly.

These things bring me happiness and peace. Feeling peaceful is a rarety. Feeling ashamed is not. No matter what I do, I will never feel good enough. Society tells me I should want one thing and also that I can ‘have it all’. But I can’t have it all and I don’t want just one thing, either. I don’t want to work away from my kids and my home. But I also don’t want to be condenscended to and thrown aside as unsuccessful.

I want to be peaceful and I want to be accepted. But barring that, I want to do my own thing and everyone else just mind their own business. Because eventually, they will feel envious when they see that my life is a content, joyful one, headed where it is supposed to be headed, not where everyone supposes it should be headed.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

“I know I have never been found, It is dark for we are all blind, In solitude we know God In public we do not act God”

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

“Is your parenting style similar to the one your parents used? If you don't have kids, have you thought about how you will parent YOUR children??”

Probably there are some similiaries and as my parenting life progresses, I will see those more and more. It is inevitable that the handprint of parents who actively parent will come through their children, even if those children disagree(d) with some of their parents' methods. I used to tell myself I would never parent anything like my parents did. That was immature (and unrealistic). While it is one thing to break family curses, it is quite another to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Now, I realize that while they weren't perfect, neither were they malicious. And they didn't only make mistakes. Time as brought the realization that there are no parents who make no mistakes, only parents who realize they make mistakes and love through those mistakes long enough for the children to understand that mistakes are inevitable, not hateful. And then hopefully, the grown children raise their children using some of the positive tools that their parents instilled.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

[workingmomin20s]

#Note2self #WordsofWisdom via @workingmomin20s #Monday #Motivation (at www.Workingmomin20s.com)

[janicewindt-deactivated20240701]

Some wisdom from @workingmomin20s to @halfdaymum in her 30s ;) thanks girl! www.halfdaymum.com

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

Baby Smell

Her scent is a halo surrounding her entire body - the atmosphere of her ever-moving world. You do not need to smell her, but to merely kiss the wrinkled folds of her chubby, warm neck and breathe in the air resting between each of her fine hairs.

Then, you will feel the thickness of her sweet baby scent fill your lungs.

Hers is the smell of hours upon hours of nursing - absorbed by her skin - that only age will wash away. Her smell is that of a cocoon of warmth and softness - not layers, for that would imply a core, a center consisting of something other than pure innocence.

No, she is entirely composed of softness and warmth.

I inhale and each breath is heavy, yet smooth, like running a finger across the top of a square of butter, softened.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

It is not fine and you should worry.

Those are the unsaid words - like unsung heroes - that hang in the air. Very much in need of acknowledgement, very much there, but also very much destined to never receive recognition.

Knowingly destined, thus all the more hopeless. And without hope, what is left for the possessor of those words?

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

I find myself understanding love more, the longer I am married. Especially the less I rely on my feelings and the more I rely on my observations and choices and vows.

Because my husband is a good man, no matter how angry he makes me feel. Because I can compromise, no matter how angry I am. We can work together and find a solution, regardless of the problem.

Because I did vow forever.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

"So, how are you today?"

"I’m eggshell fine. Currently whole, but easily crushed and a masterpiece in the making."

[wordsnquotes]

“Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly. It’s your masterpiece after all.”

Or someone's masterpiece. Either way, don't be the one who mucks it up.

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

Masking Honesty

I am so tired of shows. I am tired of the faces we put on and the decisions we do or do not make, just because we are trying to control other people's perceptions of us. You know why people try to 'legalize' things that the government shouldn't have anything to do with? Because they wanna be honest, but they don't wanna deal with all the judgement that comes with honesty. Except it doesn't work that way.

Just because something is legal doesn't mean you are gonna feel any better, because people aren't necessarily gonna view you any differently. I'd love to be able to post 'Fuck it, sometimes life is so incredibly shitty' without having to worry about my family judging me. But even if it that becomes acceptable and society says there is nothing uncultural about it, my family will still think it is unnecessary. That I could or should have used other words. That it was brass and crude of me. And they might even blame themselves.

So I repress the urge. Or use other words. But I don't wanna use other words. Those are the ones that I feel. And it has got me to thinking, it all just comes down to that, doesn't it? How we feel. How do you move past your feelings that honesty is indulging your feelings? Because actually, what I want is to be able to do what I want without repercussions. Honesty isn't that. Sometimes what we call a show and fakeness is just us forced into taming the inner monster.

And we don't like the way it feels.

keepingthedarknessatbay

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

Work Is Still Work, Without Or Without Commuting

There are good days and bad days, but I am beyond grateful to have her. Now, neither me nor my husband can understand how we could have wanted to delay having a kid. Still, it isnt all roses. I am staying at home, currently and I take it really seriously. I could sit and watch soap operas all day, just the same as my husband could browse the internet at his desk job, instead of working. But he doesn't and neither do I. Partially because we are mature people who take our responsibilities seriously. And partially because there are consequences. He might get fired. The house would desinigrate. Our relationship would suffer. He leaves the house to work, in order to make our lives manageable, possible and comfortable. I do the same, except instead of stepping out the door, my job is right outside my unopen eyelids.  He respects me. He respects that I've got a 24/7 career with (societally speaking) no tangible pay or advancements, especially now that we've got a kid.

Even with his support, it is still incredibly difficult. People ask 'so what do you do, now?' and they don't mean the laundry. Or they inquire, 'do you do anything else, outside of the house?' And they don't mean the shopping. Yeah, I do, but it will never be enough to satisfy you or anyone else, because no, I am not inundated in a mind numbing number of activities. My time belongs to raising a human life and caring for another with whom I exchanged vows and trust, to that extent. On the one hand, I feel ashamed and like I need to justify my decision, but on the other hand, I know that if they spent a day in my life, taking it as seriously as I take it, they would respect me as much as my husband does. And take my job seriously.

The truth is, I won't have kids forever. So, yeah, I want to have a back-up plan for when they no longer need me to prepare them for this storm we call life. And I do exist outside of my husband's identity. Just as he exists outside of mine. We brought our identities together, though. And we vowed to support each other, so no, we don't pursue things alone. That paragraph should be more than enough justification, considering that I shouldn't have to justify myself at all.

keepingthedarknessatbay

[keepingthedarknessatbay]

"We do not remember days, we remember moments."

My sister-in-law gave me a new journal with that quote etched on its purple cover. I am sure it wasn't meant to truly mean anything. It was only meant to be as decorative and provocative as that particular shade of purple.

A pseudo thought-provoking quote, where you go 'hm, seems true...' and you feel better about your numbed mind, at least for a little while.

However, it did make me think, about my husband and I, and how much I love him. Actually, whether or not I love him. And then, what actually constitutes love.

Human beings do not love. Not, at least, as we as a society expect to love or at least define what it means to love. Yesterday, as I watched my husband, it occurred to me that I do not always know in my emotions - in that inner-most part of my consciousness - that I love him. When he and I first began, I was high on the unknown. As we progressed, I was high on the learning - the getting to know. And then, I was high on the known - the constancy of our relationship and the habits within that relationship. During these times, we felt our relationship, always. There were no moments of just being. Now, we don't 'feel' our relationship so much as our relationship simply is. It exists, it lives, as a whole and moment by moment. We don't feel it every second of the day, because quite honestly, that is a state which is too exhausting to maintain. Without constantly being in the midst of 'feeling' us, does that mean that there are moments when I no longer love him?

Perhaps that is the mistake that many of us in relationships make. We assume that we must no longer love a person (and thus must not belong with them), because we are no longer in the throes of constantly feeling the relationship. We cannot accept that there are moments when we feel nothing. Neither anger, nor exhilaration, nor even a peaceful calm. All of us is just still.

And perhaps, we cannot identify this stillness as normal, because we are not accustomed to any stillness. We have been habituated to incessant motion, both inwardly and outwardly.

Love, as currently defined, is in moments. We feel love in moments. But we live in lifetimes. I don't know about everyone else, but I do not feel every moment that I live. I make choices and then, I look back on those choices and ascribe feelings of happiness, disappointment and so on, to certain chunks of moments in my life. Feelings are transient. Choices have lasting effect. Thus, to live love, we must make choices, regardless of what we may or may not be feeling.

So, it is true, I do not always know in my emotions - in that inner-most part of my consciousness - that I love my husband. Then again, I don't ever know in my emotions/inner-most consciousness that I am breathing or that I want to breathe. Still, I breathe. I will breathe, until my body can no longer sustain it. Still, I love him, until death do us part.

keepingthedarknessatbay

[saltandlightmag]

[saltandlightmag]

Matthew 6:34

[saltandlightmag]

Memorize scripture indie-style

I stumbled upon a gem today. This website is called The Verses Project.

The Verses Project creates musical and visual art that helps people memorize and meditate on Scripture.

I’d like to stop here so you can check out the site for yourself. Go, memorize scripture. Look at those neatly designed graphics. Sing it.