soli deo gloria

He is faithful until the end.

[kelsey-wong]

October 19, 2018

menu for today:

im back (appetizer) + the faithfulness of God (main entree) 

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything -- or have even thought of going on here. I haven’t written in a long time because I converted from Tumblr to blogspot, and because I had an audience of zero on blogspot, I started learning how to write again just for my own eyes, my own heart, and I really enjoyed it. In some ways. There really is joy in just processing in the hidden, quiet place, all that is going on in own heart, much like the beauty and joy in how the Lord works in our own hearts. 

But I’m back, and I don’t know if it makes much of a difference. I don’t really have followers, but I feel like once in a blue moon people do stumble upon my writing. And I would love to write to encourage people -- not because I know more, not because I’ve been through more, but because I want to share what the Lord has taught me. through life and through His Word. 

Today I got this email, or I got it a couple days ago and ignored it, from one of my friend-mentors back from undergrad. The email was only addressed to people who had been part of this prayer group from way back. The reality that I was now part of the [old] crew email, and not just the [new] crew email just really made me thankful for how long the Lord has really been keeping me up. 

There were genuinely times in college I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. And by that, sure sure graduation, but more importantly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it to heaven. I wasn’t sure if the Lord really loved me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make this through this life as a Christian. And still, many times, like even last night -- my mind was raging with these thoughts. My faith in God is so, so small. The second I read his Word, I hear it, and I don’t obey it. I am a sinner through and through. How is it possible for me to be saved?

Because it is absolutely by grace I have been saved. It never has been and it never will be of my own work. There is nothing I have done that can ever earn salvation. My own righteousness is like filthy rags before the Lord. All my righteousness is Christ’s. The only reason I am able to stand before God is Christ. The only reason I can be sure of my salvation is Christ. The only thing going for me at the end of the day -- is Christ -- his blood, his sacrifice for my sins, for my iniquity, wiping away all my sins. It is by grace that I have been saved. 

Praise the Lord. I ask that this truth would be nailed into my heart, Lord. Lord, I ask -- really, please let me know the depths of this wondrous and glorious Gospel. Let all who read this know it. Amen. 

[kelsey-wong]

August 26th, 2017 10:30pm

Really missing China. Really missing just the feeling of being used by the Lord, feeling like I’m useful to the Lord and to those around me. I think it’s actually been really difficult for me to adjust since I’ve been back, kind of feeling like I’ve been thrown back into the cogs of reality. 

I miss the feeling that I actually was like, useful to people. I miss the feeling of warmth that came from my team -- even though in many ways, I didn’t get to know them well, I still just miss the comfortable silence between us. I miss the children I met, I miss not being afraid to show affection. I miss having vision and knowing the mission for which I was there for. I miss not having to think about school or finances or the future. I miss China, and I miss my team. I miss the kids. I miss the feeling of being needed. I think it’s hard right now, because I don’t feel like I’m needed. And the reality is, God didn’t need me. He could have used anyone. But the fact that He did use me, or rather that I was there as He worked this summer, I was so blessed through that. And I don’t just want to throw on works -- attending this praying meeting or that one -- because it’s totally possible to just know the works. But dang, this semester how I desire to know the grace of God through the glory of the Gospel, the love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Man, I don’t know God. Just feeling a little bit lost. The semester has already kicked in, but I feel unable to just jump into the grind. I need your help God. 

[kelsey-wong]

family

so incredibly thankful to God for family. even though there are definitely times family can get under your skin like no other, i’m so grateful to have spent time with my family this weekend. i miss them already, and the fomo is so real, as they continue to enjoy each others’ company and i’m trying to pretend i’m still there. miss them. 

[kelsey-wong]

An incredibly busy 2 weeks coming up before I depart for the motherland. impossible to survive through these next two weeks just on my own strength. need God -- absolutely need God, no way I can do this my self. In the city for family reunion, departing in a couple hours. there’s something about family: they get under your skin like no other, and yet you’d be willing to do for them in an instant. I think it’s something intrinsic in the way God made us.

I trust in you Jesus. Even though I have yet to understand why I am on this path to medicine, and feeling so hopeless, helpless every step of the way, God, I trust in you -- to make my paths straight, and to draw me into the arms of Christ. Amen. 

[kelsey-wong]

Romans 3:23 and fighting loneliness

I listened to this sermon today by Paul Matthies, called “The Pain of Loneliness.” Even since school ended, and yeah, I’ve been in summer school, mainly studying and being by myself for the large part of the day, I’ve been having so much time and space to truly reflect on my thoughts and the state I’m in. 

While in the library today, it really just hit me all of a sudden, that, I am pretty lonely. I was trying to find reasons for why I don’t want to respond to peoples’ texts. Why I’m jaded by church community. Why I’ve been investing so much time into looking at worthless things -- social media, youtube, random (and lowqual acting) asian dramas. It all boils down to the reality that I do feel lonely, and that I’ve been trying to fill this loneliness in my heart with other things. This last semester in college, I think I was trying to fill it with meeting up with a lot of people, but that didn’t work because I would just feel rejected and hurt. Then I started just filling it with quality people -- but that didn’t work too. Even though I love them, and they bring joy to my life -- at the end of the day, there was a sense of emptiness and purposelessness. And then when summer started, I  became a hermit and set my eyes only on things that could somewhat guarantee joy -- my “safe space” - my asian dramas. It’s a really sad thing to admit, but I don’t wan’t to lie. I find security in love-lines and the occasional hero with the perfect roundhouse kick as well as watching the normal characters struggle through the ups and downs of life too.

Yet, even with all the short-term fulfillment entertainment brought me/brings me, I still felt so dead inside. This was because I was half-heartedly following the world, and half-heartedly seeking God. This has been happening for a while, I think. I have been feeling loneliness for a while, as well. It’s no surprise, that most of my blog plots, are actually about loneliness, now that I think about it lol. 

The sermon by Paul Matthies talked about how we need to change our vision -- by the grace of God -- that our loneliness is not the root problem of sin, but rather that sin in the root problem of our loneliness. I knew that this was a problem while listening to the sermon, because I was reflecting and like, “really? I mean, I guess.” The fact that I could not see how my sin blinded me from understanding my loneliness is produced through separation from God and people around me -- that comes from a result of my sin -- just shows me how much I truly need God, and more than this loneliness being a problem that needs a quick fix from God, my loneliness is a heart issue, a heart problem -- for which God is the only solution, and through which I can still thank Him and glorify Him, for even through times of loneliness, He uses our situations to produce faith in us and drive us closer to Him. 

So, I just wanted to talk about how starting today, I desire, even in loneliness, to come to Jesus, so that I can be full of life and life abundant. I want God to change my heart -- and to stop blaming my circumstances or timing or etc. To know that God will use every season to ultimately bring me closer to Him, to glorify to Himself, in coming to see that Jesus is the only true joy. 

In Romans 3:23, Paul writes, ‘For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I desire for God to reveal my own sinfulness, to strip me of all ill-conceived pride, to humble me, that I may see the goodness of God -- that the beauty of Christ would be magnified -- in coming to understand how desperately I need Him because of my Sin. 

[kelsey-wong]

may 25, 2017

Just went to talk to my college adviser about after-college plans. After talking with her, I realized that, man, even in this aspect of my life, I feel like God has been and really humbling me.

I think it’s been difficult for me to trust in God because I literally have no idea what the future holds. All my life, I’ve been in school, and there’s always been a set pace and expectations -- six years of primary, two years of secondary school, four years of high school, and four (expected) years of college. i think the reality is because i’ve running forward in school all these years, I never thought I’d reach the point where I don’t know the next step is.

So the fact that I don’t know what the next step is, that it really could be anything at this point -- school, no school, work, no work, travel, anything -- is daunting. And in a way, I feel that because I wanted to give God everything in college -- and I don’t regret it, even though I definitely have been feeling pangs of regret the last couple of weeks, asking myself if is/was really worth it to give God everything, I’m so unprepared for everything else right now.

In light of my life, a career is really not important. Because my life belongs to the Lord. yet at the same time, because you life belongs to the Lord, He could place you in a career that while is not important in terms of salvation or anything, still can be important in the eyes of the world. Right, just looking at King David, even though David was simply a man after God’s own heart, he was still in a place of importance -- and only because God had placed him there as king.

So I guess what I need to do, is really trust in God that He will take me where He desires for me to be, and to just believe that even though, compared to my hs friends, I feel far behind, unprepared for life, unprepared for what lays ahead, to really trust in God. To trust that He knows everything, that He actually will provide.

[kelsey-wong]

I am always cautious about writing here because I feel like I am taking a risk. There’s a risk involved wen you’re being honest, frank, and open with your thoughts with who knows -- I guess whoever, if anyone, happens to stumble upon this post or blog. 

And then there is the overarching reality that perhaps no one in my life, no one that at least i know, will ever read or find this, unless I were to mention it in passing. 

I am someone who thinks a lot. I’m not sure if the fact that I think a lot has made me indecisive with time, or that because I’m indecisive, I think a lot. I’m not sure if I think more than other people, or if I have too much time on my hands, but I think it mainly comes from the fact that between my classes, I must walk, and in those 5-20 minute spans, my brain is constantly processing thoughts.

I have a lot of random thoughts on my mind, and my words almost always never exactly match the thoughts I have in my head, but I’m going to just try to write out a couple tail end of thoughts that have been circling around my mind. 

The first is that I want to be my best the next six weeks. The next six weeks of summer will be the first time I’ll just be taking classes. All of my life, really, school has always been one of the things on my plate. Even toning down the number of extracurriculars last semester to basically zero, I still feel like I had a lot on my plate-- there were friendships that had to be maintained, a kitchen that needed to be cleaned, trash that had to be taken out, church meetings and other church-related meetings that had to be attended to. I think in general, the path I’m taking, and the uni I’m in, it’s just so common and so ordinary to be multi-tasking all the time. Maybe that’s even just common in my generation. But for the next six weeks, I’m just going to be taking classes (and seeking God). I don’t really plan on meeting up with many people, I don’t really want to hang out around uni. I’m literally just going to do school and God. 

And it’s weird in one sense because I actually really feel like a loser. Truly. Like, I look in all my classes and I don’t see anyone I recognize, since the students are all a year or two younger than me. All my peers are doing awesome internships, working, or research this summer, and I’m just kind of still trying to figure out what the actual heck is going on with my life. I do feel like a failure, in that, in my mind, I let success = doing a lot of things. And because I’m not doing anything but studying, which honestly, anyone, given the resources, can succeed in, I’m not like working in a tech startup, interning in Congress, shadowing a doctor, etc. I wonder if like I’ve plateaued already. It’s hard to define success to be “just being a better you” when you see that the world defines success by how many titles and occupations one can successfully carry and manage on his or her shoulders. I feel insecure because I don’t have titles, I don’t have a well-known name, because the trajectory of my life at the moment is really, right now, to nowhere. And since I’ve been in this little hole for a while, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s something wrong with me, with my thought process, with the life decisions I’m made in the last 1-2-3 years, or if I really am trusting in God, to...just, lead me. 

And that’s another thing I’ve really been contemplating today. I’m been contemplating the state of my heart. I think the reality that only God really knows my heart has really just been sticking in my mind the last week or so. I don’t know if I really love or trust God. I don’t know. And I know that this uncertainty is real, because even though on the outside, I do talk a lot about God, I read the Word, I attend prayer meetings, I pray, I cry out to God for help -- i fall short even single time. It seems that ever forward inch results in falling three feet backward. Even though I am so grateful and honored that God has brought me to such a people who love Him truly, I guess just seeing the fickleness of my heart -- my ability to turn the on/off switch in terms of my affections and the consistency of my love and my devotion toward him -- has really been making me wonder. I’m not scared, but I guess I’m just unsure of what I should do. I don’t just want to seek God to assuage my own fears that something is off in the status quo of my life, I don’t just want to seek God because it feels wrong not to. I want to seek God because He is worthy to be sought. Like I want the Truth to actually be Truth to me. I don’t want Christianity to be part of my identity, a little cross that I can wear on my neck or my Biblical knowledge or beliefs that I can wave around as my purpose or some verse to place on my wall, like I don’t want to go through life with this if it’s not real to me. I don’t want to spend a lifetime forcing myself to believe and serve and honor God if my heart even really truly served, honored, or believed in God. 

Perhaps, perhaps, I am really, really way overthinking this. But I just want my heart to be real before God. I know how often and how easily I can and I do falter. It’s literally only God and me -- no one else -- that knows how fickle my heart is. Oh, how the Lord knows. so I don’t know what to do. I believe that God is the only one who can rescue me from the fickleness of my heart.

And just seeing how quickly I slip away from God, to like wasting my time on the internet, to movies, to even other things, I don’t know if it’s wise to just try to cut it all off at once, or to ask God for help to like balance things out -- to really do give myself some time to like watch asian dramas if I want do -- but it’s really hard for me to stop once I start. I don’t know. I think the best thing I can do at this point is just go to God and ask Him to refine my heart. I’m kind of scared of ask, because I’m scared of no answers, but I do think it’s the best thing I can do at this time. 

[kelsey-wong]

reasons why (#1)

Just finished watching Hacksaw Ridge. It was a very intense movie, but definitely the main conclusion I’ve gotten out of the movie is that war is probably the most horrible thing in the world. Watching people physically suffering, being burned up, dying, and killing each other reminded me of the reality of hell as well. After watching the movie, I’m reminded once again of why we (the world) must go to such extremes to stop war, and why at all costs. 

It also reminded me of why I’m on the path I’m on right now. I think it’s because since a young age, I’ve loved history, and have had a deep appreciation for learning about the past, appreciating the past, and from that, really was just molded into a very serious person. In that, the concepts of death and life were made very real to me, since I was young. Since history tells us of the price of life, and shows us the mistakes and the foolishness of humanity -- how truly we do and we have repeated the mistakes of war -- of the futile killing of human beings in the name of power. Watching this movie once again reminded me that regardless of the season or the times -- in peace and in war -- there will always be being dying and people living. 

I think the reality of Desmond Doss’s life though, his God-given ability to be able to save life without killing lives, is how I desire to live. 

[kelsey-wong]

5.5.17 11:20pm

A open letter to the person I secretly like: 

I realized that today was probably one of the last times I was going to see you. I can now count the number of times I’ll see you before you leave on one. I think about how you’ve crossed my mind every day the last seven months and how you’ll never hear or know about it. I think about my heart and how I’ve labored in fear to push you away and as I ran away from you. I think about how I may have hurt you along the way, or even the reality that you probably never even noticed I felt this way.

I don’t have the courage to say this to your face, so I’ll say it behind you back. I don’t want to know what your response is – I don’t want to know if you’ll laugh or say thank you for the feelings. It couldn’t be truer that time and distance will heal, and in a year or two, perhaps you’ll be a distant memory. But as for now, and as for the last seven months, to you – who will never hear this – I want you to know I liked you.

I liked you. I really liked you. I cannot even begin to understand how it started. Where it began. How it began, in fact, it scares me that I could actually fall for someone, that I actually fell for someone, and that someone was you. It scared me that you appeared in my thoughts that I hoped to see you walking around campus that I went to all the group events hoping to see you there – oh, you would never know, I didn’t even know, or understand, why I liked you. It scared me that there was someone else in my heart other than myself – and I still don’t know how you made your way into my heart – I don’t think I’ll ever understand why but I look back at these last seven months – at this “crush” I had on you – so to speak – I can’t deny the fact I felt something, perhaps love, towards you.

If you told me to run a mile for you in heels I would do it. If you told me to go to New York right now and buy you a chocolate doughnut, I would do it. If you told me to marry you right now – well I wouldn’t, but I would, have confessed to you. If you pushed me to the brink, I would jump off.

And the reality that you’re leaving has settled in. It’s not only that you’re leaving here, but your leaving means I won’t see you anymore. I won’t see your wonderful smile, you gracious laugh, I won’t see you in the corner of the room and make sure not to wander in that corner, I won’t feel self-conscious when I’m less than five feet away from you, I won’t put up my guard when we’re talking in the same group, I won’t spend nights like these, where I should be studying, and instead I’m writing away about you. I won’t feel these feelings toward you anymore.

So while I have them, I’m going to go for it. I’m going to talk behind your back so that you never find out how I felt about you but I’m going to tell everyone else about it anyway. I’m going to talk about how I think you’re so wonderful even know I see all of your flaws and I pick at them anyway but I still, illogically, irrationally, want to be with you.

My heart is this:

You make me jump. When I see you approaching, my heat picks up pace. My mind shuts down, and my body freezes. I coil within myself, and I become mute. I look for a friend, a source of security to run to, the broken record of keepawaykeepawaykeepawaykeepaway running through my mind. When you ask me a question, I feel happy. I love the attention. When you talk to another girl, I tell myself it’s alright, he’s not yours anyway, give him to Jesus. When I realized that I had set up a barrier between you and me, and that there was simply not enough to tear it down, and no words to bind the chasm between us, I was sad.

I don’t know what love is. And I don’t know if I love you. But I do know you make me feel these things – joy, sadness, happiness, fear, exhilaration. And because you make me feel these things, I think that I like you.

With your leaving, it’s going to be easier to put away these feelings. I know. Everyone who’s gone through heartbreak knows that. But for now, I don’t want to, I can’t. I don’t know where to start. And I actually liked liking you, and as the feelings begin to disappear, I’ll begin to forget you, and I don’t want to forget you.

So for now, even though you will never know, I just want you to know that I like you. I never asked for anything from you, and I never will. I’ll always be the girl who purposefully stood far away from you because she was scared to realize her feelings for you. I’ll be the one who felt a heart full of regret when I realized I had pushed you away.

But I’m hoping, that one day, if we ever do cross paths again, I could speak to you confidently, boldly, with joy, expressing how delighted I am to see you again. I hope when we do meet again, that we would meet smiling, and that this time, I wouldn’t run away. I hope where you go the wind blows, and I hope where you go is a dry desert, because love, you are a bright light, drawing people from near and far. I hope the person who haves you in the future cherishes you as she cherishes herself, and I hope you embrace her and protect her like your own life. I wish you well, and for now, goodbye.

Because my feelings are still here, I know I cannot force a lid on this chapter, but the reality of your leaving becomes more apparent day by day. I will think of you often, until the feelings fade, and I will pray for you often, when I hear of you and how you’re doing. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend, and I’m sorry for running away from something that never happened. I wish I could have controlled my emotions better – but know this: I tried. I tried, and I don’t think you did. So with that, I hope when you go back to where you came from, that you would have some nice time to reflect on your own life and on your actions and inactions. I know you would never understand this – you would not read between these lines to see that this is about you –but that’s fine, this wasn’t about you anyway, for these feelings since conception have been one-way; they have been mine and mine alone.  And with all my heart, I mean it: have a nice life. How I wish for you to be happy, to be full of joy and love of God all your days.

A

[kelsey-wong]

May 1, 2017

A testament of the goodness of the Lord in my life:

I cannot help but be in awe and in thanksgiving of the goodness of the Lord in my life. He is truly faithful, truly, truly truly, faithful and is FAITHFUL and is so good to me. He is so good to us.

Today I’ve been in the library most of the day. Attempting to study for finals, but I actually just ran into an old friend we were basically were those annoying people who were loudly whispering in the library as others were actually *trying to* study. 

But the whole time we were hanging out, we were essentially talking about the *boy* who’ve I’ve had a crush on this semester, who I’ve written about in this blog before. But after an hour of talking about him, and just updating her on you know, just getting through the semester while also having to deal with this crush, I went to the restroom only to be reminded of the fickleness of my heart. I didn’t feel condemned, but I felt convicted of just the idolatry in my heart -- Oh, how I could talk about this boy for an hour, but how it took me so much more courage to bring up the awesomeness of God to her! How I talked about my thoughts about this boy, but what about my thoughts for God? Where was my heart actually? So I’m so grateful to God, in that I think He just really reminded me to check my heart -- and see where the desires of my heart actually lie. 

After repenting, I opened up my Bible only to be SO REASSURED OF THE GOODNESS AND THE GRACIOUSNESS OF THE LORD. I woke up this morning to read the same passages, but returning to it again -- this time earnestly asking God -- not from a heart of striving, but a heart of need, to help me read the Word, He opened up my eyes to see the faithfulness of the Lord. I really felt His Word speaking directly to the fears of my heart today.

Reading Psalms 46-49, I saw the might and the faithfulness of God to His people. It brought such a peace and a calm to my heart knowing that it is my Father who is the Conqueror, the God whom I serve that is the King of the World, to whom one day all the kings of this earth will bow before.

But specifically, the verses that really jumped out at me where, 

Psalm 49:15, “But God will redeem my life from the grave; he will surely take me to himself.” I love this verse and it brought such comfort to my heart because in many ways I am fearful that God would not keep me to the end -- that I would stray in my sinfulness and that He would not keep me on the narrow path. BUT HERE -- DAVID IS SPEAKING TO THE LORD -- about how the Lord will surely take him to himself. And as I read this verse, I myself felt such JOY knowing and believing that the Lord will take me to himself. Praise God for His faithfulness! Praise God that He knows all our fears but speaks life and truth to us through His Word!

and then in Psalm 49:16-17, it is written, “Do not be overawed when a man grows rich, when the splendor of his house increases; for he will take nothing with him with he dies, his splendor will not descend with him.” And something I’ve been struggling with the last couple of weeks has just been envy and coveting what other people have. like today, one of my friends I was talking to got a paid research position at Harvard. other friends are working in tech areas, good companies, just really successful, great, esteemed opportunities. And then there’s me -- who the summer before I graduate -- I’m going to teach English in China. And I’ve just really been having this heart of jealously, always looking at what other people have and asking God, “Why I don’t I have that?” But I feel like this verse is just such good reassurance from God, just telling me NOT to be in awe of what others have, rather it be riches, opportunities, relationships, etc. but to be completely and utterly satisfied in God. And yeah, just really learning to trust in God and to trust in His goodness, His faithfulness, His Word, and His plans.

I was just so blessed by Scripture today, and I’m so grateful for the Word of God. Thank you God for your Word!

[kelsey-wong]

days like this

12:49am, 3/14/17. stacks lvld

one of these days, where my thoughts are invalid, unable to move, comprehend, stretch. big blocks of thought in my mind that I cannot seem to move.

[kelsey-wong]

Don't follow your heart. God did not design our hearts to be followed, but to be led.

DesiringGod

[kelsey-wong]

3/9/17 - 12:21am

Collection of current thoughts as of the present, as of today, as of the last week. 

“The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.” – Proverbs 14:10

God, I feel like you are tearing apart muscle to reach deep into the chambers of my heart to pull out the idols that have grown in these. For the last couple of days – and honestly, the last week, but I’ve kind of been ignoring the disappointment in my heart – I’ve felt really downcast. In that, I feel, lost.

I haven’t felt lost in a long time. I think when everything is going well – even yes, you have your struggles with the Lord – it is easy to say that you thrust all your hope and trust in the Lord. I remember previous to this time, always just telling God, since the beginning of this semester started, “Change my heart, O God, make it ever true” – one of the few Vineyard songs I would sing along with my parents when I was younger.

And today, while spending time with the Lord, I realized that exactly was true. The reality is – God HAS and IS answering my prayers. I’ve been praying for almost a year to this day, for God to remove me from research if it is his will. I dropped research last week. I’ve been trying – out of my own flesh – to surrender the idol of med success/academics to Jesus – He is actually taking it away, in that, I literally failed my physics midterm, and I have had absolutely no will to study the last two weeks because of my failure. I’ve been asking God to turn my eyes away from Y to Him – and I always imagined that it would be a smooth transition from looking to the left and right to starting into the eyes of Jesus. But the reality is that it is painful; to tear my eyes away from the things of life that bring pleasure and fantasy -- academic success, a boy, resume-building blocks.

The foundations I’ve built up for myself – my own mini-kingdom – built on the ideals of success – in academics, in a partner, in my resume – have literally come tumbling down in the last week. This is what I’ve prayed for, many times, for God to break me and to humble me. And now that’s He’s actually doing it…it feels bad. I wish I could say wholeheartedly that I’m grateful. It’s hard for me to say with 100% honesty that I’m grateful. It is painful. There is no definite end, yet. There is no tangible answer, as of now. But I am grateful for Jesus. And for His Word. For songs of praise. For the beauty of creation.

I remember going through the same breaking my freshman year – and I feel like I’m at that point again – where I am torn apart from my own kingdom I’ve been building and my own false identities that I’ve been holding onto. However, this time, I have a seed of hope that things will be different, because, this is not the first time I’ve had to go through this painful process.

However, even despite all my reasoning for why now, why, God, I still feel like it is difficult at the end of the day to understand WHY God does things the way He does. Just as I have been praying for all the above mentioned – and God truly is faithful in answering the above prayers, I wonder why He has not answered the prayer I’ve desired above all else – to know the love of God.

Lord, my heart is so desperate for love. You know my heart better than I know it – God, you see literally how my hunger for your love causes my heart to physically ache. Lord, you hear my cries – Lord I know you see me, I really know you hear me. But I am having trouble comprehending as to why, I must wait. Lord, you know the waiting is difficult. I’ve tried to fill it with other types of love – love from my community, love from my family, (fantasizing) love in a relationship – but at the end of the day – all other loves fail.

So God, would you please, move in my heart.

I’ve been feeling rather isolated and unloved by my community the last couple of days. Yet at the same time – I’ve come to realize that it’s not their fault; it’s not that my community purposefully excludes people, it’s just that…truly…Proverbs 14:10.

No matter how long into the night I spend sharing my heart with people I love – something I generally love doing – at the end of the day, there is TRULY only one who can satisfy, only one who can love like Jesus. And that is Jesus.

God, I don’t know what to do at this point. I have nothing left anymore, not even willpower. Today I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide in a suitcase. I don’t want to talk to people anymore either.

God, yes, I do feel disappointment in my heart. I remember receiving prophesies about how the Lord is really going to break in this semester – that it’s going to be a new season – a season of life. I remember freshman year asking you when the desert season would end – and I thought I received the impression that it would end my junior year. Lord, I am still hopeful – but I’m just asking – would you hold onto me even when the storm comes and the rain falls and the thunder strikes and lighting flashes. When you’re rooting out all the weeds in my heart would you preserve faith. Oh Lord, give me the faith to keep holding onto the edge of your cloak – like the woman who so desperately reached out to touch the edge of your cloak Jesus – even if I can’t seem to see you in front of me. Even if you’re a crowd or three crowds away. Lord, even when it feels like other people are experiencing breakthrough, and I’m not; God, would you hold onto me. God, would you keep hold of me. Even when I’m disappointed and I cannot hide my disappointment from you, God, would you hold onto me. Lord, even when it’s dark – like the road I was walking on through campus, would I trust that there will be a light at the end of the path. Jesus, be my guide.

God, I feel sad because I thought pre-med was from you. But within the last week, all my pre-med extracurriculars have flown down the drain. I feel like you want to pull apart this pre-med identity from and give me the true identity as a daughter of Christ. But God! I never expected the process to be painful. I never imagined feeling upset at you about Y – he’s literally just a random guy in my life. But Lord, I wondered today why you had to put him in my life – if he’s not the one, couldn’t you have just placed a rando who I wouldn’t have been attracted to?

These are the parts where I’m so confused. Due to negligence, and letting idols grow in my heart – you’ve come in your mercy to break those things. But is the way my life is now, my fault, or is it all part of your will – to use my life to ultimately draw me closer to you?

God, would you just take me to the end. O Lord, I ask that your hand would so gently and tenderly guide me during in this. Even in my brokenness – even in my lack of trust in your unfailing love – would you find a place to break in and to HAVE YOUR WAY in my life no matter what it looks like. I’m still here, believing Jesus, that you will ultimately have my heart, and your way in my heart.

[kelsey-wong]

Recollection of Thoughts – 3/7/17

Life has been pretty weird lately. I think after failing the Physics midterm last week I’ve been pretty unmotivated in general to study. I don’t think that’s a good thing – more than anything, this should be the time I should be getting ready to start running again.

But I just wanted to share about how this week has been a blessing, in many ways. It has most definitely been an unproductive week; I have done close to nothing. I skipped my classes today. I have a lot of stuff that I should definitely be working on – but I just feel so unmotivated for many reasons.

I don’t know why. I don’t feel particularly sad, but I just want to isolate myself. Or I just want to quiet. I want to lay low until the end of the semester. I kind of want to just fade away. I think I simply just cannot go anymore – on my own strength. I’m really tired of myself. Really tired of not being able to open my heart to God. Really tired of being mediocre in everything this semester. Really tired of just generally sucking. And in many ways…I think I’m just trying to run away from everything. I just don’t want to be where I am right now.

O God, help me heart that is full of ungratefulness. This heart that is sorrowful, in mourning, of things that have come and have yet to come. God, right now it’s really difficult for me to see that you’re leading me. For me to believe that your hand is guiding me. I can’t see anything in front of me. I cannot. So Lord. Help me. In this time – in this season where I expected so much, and yet, I feel like nothing in me has flourished, nothing in me has changed, it’s difficult for me to believe.

O Lord, bring me back to the Gospel. Lord, I confess I can’t do it myself. I can’t do anything by myself. I am literally a potato lump. And yet, O Lord, help me to know that when you see me that you love me and treasure me—not on thine own merit, but on the merit of Christ. God, would I know your Son. Father, I really, really do not understand Love. I do not understand your Love. Father, help me. I honestly, have very low expectations – very, very, little faith for how you can and will move. God, it is difficult for me to believe that when I cry out – you will really answer. O Lord, my Lord, will you incline your ear and hear my cry. Give ear to my anxious thoughts, O God! I am so, so, so in need of you, Jesus. I need to know you, to believe in you, to truly be secured and rooted in the good Gospel. Lord, I need a savior. I know my sins are many and my insecurities and pain run deep – but Lord, sovereign God, would you, heal me. God, would you actually. God, would you actually break in!! Jesus, there is nothing left of myself, I feel in many ways. How I need you God – to live! To breathe! To be full of joy! Lord, I desperately need you, desperately need to know your heart, for me.

God, please answer. I don’t want to give up, God.

[kelsey-wong]

Recollection of my thoughts - 1:17am, March 7, 2017.

Man. Oh man, so much has happened in the last week, and I haven’t had time to think. 

But right now I’m talking to Bless. I love her.

I’ll be back. 

[kelsey-wong]

March 5, 2017. 5:10

(I hope he never sees this. Please Lord.)

This is, for and to the boy, who has been in my life and in my heart the last couple of months. In fact, those months have slowly morphed into a year, most of which I’ve tried to avoid, because I hate sad endings. And more than sad endings, I hate endings that never happened because a beginning never commenced.

He is a beautiful boy. I call him a boy though he is a man because his laugh brings a smile to his face that reminds me of the joy of a child. He is warm and playful like a hug. Simply seeing him brings joy to my heart because the warmth that comes from his presence, warms my cold heart and causes the red blood cells in my body to start circulating about again, transporting blood to my veins and feelings to my heart and thoughts to my mind.

I can’t say I love him. I honestly barely know this person, just scratching the surface of his existence – but I like the persona he presents; he is simple.  Yet more than liking who he is, I knowingly like the image of him that I’ve fastened in my mind. An easy-breezy person, California clique, kind, thoughtful, curious. Family man, ambitious, but not selfish.

Yet the reality that waits for me, as I return home from the woods of thoughts, is simply that, I do not know him. He does not know me. We do not know each other. And though, yes, it is possible to become acquainted with each other, to connect on a heart-to-heart level, to grow together and fall in love and you know the rest of the story already – I cannot see that happening with us – or should I say, with me and him (to help create that distance) – because I’ve hidden my heart too far too deep down into my chest for him to ever see, or ever guess that I may have a flicker of desire to spend an afternoon with him, over coffee . And I hate coffee, but I want to know him.

When I see him laugh and smile and chat with another girl, as she flips her hair and laughs along, I can’t help but overthink the situation. When I see his gaze land deeply on someone else, I wonder what he’s thinking. When I realize he’ll be gone like the wind before I can say hello or goodbye, I don’t want these thoughts anymore – pragmatic me wonders why spend the time wondering about someone who will soon be a memory.

So all I can do, as I sit in the corner of my room, processing my thoughts and my actions and inaction – I come to the conclusion that I must, by the grace of God, let go. To let go of the fear of never finding someone as warm, as good, as charismatic as him, to let go of the worry of never being with anyone period, and to let go of the burden I’ve taken upon myself to find someone to fill the emptiness in my heart and to surrender it to my Abba father. O Lord, help my heart for it is truly a willow in the wind – swayed back and forth by the attention I’ve received from this boy, swayed by the worries of this world, swayed by the silent loneliness that grabs my heart. In all things, God, help me to come to you. And to give you my heart. For in Your due time, you will heal it, tend to it, and revive it. For you are the Good Doctor, who has come for the needy, for the hurting, and for the broken.

[kelsey-wong]

February 26, 2017

Stacks, 4:41pm. 

Dear God,

I thank you for revealing more and more of my brokenness to me today. Thank you for showing me that ultimately I need you -- not because you are simply a good idea, but because I genuinely need you. There are parts and bits of me that I cannot fix myself, but that you can heal and fix.

Father, I do not want to be the older brother. I know I am -- as P.Joe was talking about these older brother symptoms, I could almost list an example for each.

God, I know I am a broken, works-based, legalistic, self-pitying person. And Lord, today, I really saw and felt the brokenness inside of me that I often ignore or overlook, in the face of simply just trying to keep life together day-by-day.

But Lord, i truly truly need you. God, would you move in my heart in the ways only you can move! Would you grow me in dependence and trust in you -- until all my heart, mind, soul, and strength is completely and fully surrendered to you! God, please save me!

God, I’m believing for the breakthrough. I’m believing in faith that you will give me a new heart -- a heart of flesh, to replace this heart of stone.

God, would you grow me in my understanding of my need for you. Would you help me to see you as my Father. Help me to know the tenderness, the persistence, the kindness of the Father’s love. 

Thanks Lord.

Love,

Kelsey