i know i left in a hurry. but i wanted to say i’m a lot happier now. sometimes there are still things that make me feel shackled to the past, but for the most part, i’m glad they’re mostly gone; even if at times they’re inescapable and looming over every corner.
which seems contradictory. but it’s not.
i hope you’ve been well. i just thought i’d give this update for those left wondering.
(also changed my icon to tohru since we all know she’s my waifu for laifu)
i'm not the best at writing out my thoughts. forgive me if this feels scrambled and scraped together.
my best friend, Fox, once said in abridged words; "it takes two to play out an abandonment fantasy, one to have it, and the other to follow suit".
i've known several handfuls of people who fear abandonment, or more specifically, being the one abandoned; scared that one day everyone in their life will take leave. and sometimes, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they do. they leave in mass exodus, set into motion by one person who wants to set-forth their own abandonment fantasy– abandoning everyone else.
for me, my own fear of abandonment is not anyone abandoning me, i'm unbothered by people entering my life and leaving of their own accord; i'm scared i'll be the one to abandon everyone in my life. because i have. several times. i still do, even.
i'll meet people in my lifetime that i loved harder than the universe itself, a deep love so terrifying i feel that it'll demolish cities and townships, friends and lovers and found-family. my skin will buzz and blaze alight with such an intense fear, a fear that i will ruin them and everything they are so i must run. it's unfounded, but it drives me away, and i fight tooth and nail to get to that escape route for those who won't let me leave quietly, until it ends in disaster. it's my own abandonment fantasy.
i recall once, an ex-lover wanted me to stay. tried to lock the door and toss away the key, and said it hurt that i wanted an out. so i caused problems until i could break out through the window. not being allowed an option to leave made me feel like a feral, caged animal; because in the end, that's all i am.
i hadn't done it on purpose. the need to escape everything had been there months prior. the events leading up to it had been fuzzy at best, sickly at worst, and i had been spoonfed misinformation. not on purpose, not in malicious intent, but still it struck genuine fear in my heart.
like a feral animal, i want the option to roam. to come and go as i please. i can't be kept, i just want the trust that i'll find my way back eventually. if i feel contained, i scratch and bite until i'm released.
but if you hold out your hand and wait patiently, i'll come to you. but don't ask me to stay. please don't ask me to stay.
there's a lot that lead up to this current migration.
the inability to be allowed to stand on my own two-feet and exist as just purely Kevin, not adjacent to someone, was a big one. still to this day i am asked about a youtuber i am no longer affiliated with by my own choice. i don't like attention, it's something i've said to her, said to many, and why i chose to never appear in her videos. which seems contradictory for an artist who posts on social media and previously did all of her older channel art. but maybe now i'm realizing that truthfully, i wanted recognition for me, not for others or for who i made myself sick in order to create content for. it's inescapable.
i harbor no hard feelings anymore, i understand i was in the peak of my codependency and was willing to ruin myself for the benefit of another. to run myself broke and dry because at 19 years old i was still a child who didn't know how to handle the extent of his emotions. i want to apologize to penny. neither of us are really blameless, but we were inexperienced and young– still young. it's easy to not know what we're doing, to unintentionally take advantage of someone who was willing to burn themselves to give you warmth, or to latch onto an unfounded rumor and bare my teeth. i hope you're doing well, and i'm sorry.
i'd like to give you a proper apology one day, when i'm more ready. that day is not today.
sometimes i feel like there are four people living inside my brain, all with dissenting opinions and voices that i can't tell who i am anymore. i feel like i'm constantly contradicting myself because i don't know what my own thoughts are. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am anymore because i'm several different people all trying to be "kevin", all with different beliefs that go against a previous one. i prematurely deleted my twitter account for this reason, i couldn't stand a second more of being in a toxicity cycle i had previously taken part in, because sometimes that's all social media is. it's very... Online.
i want to be one, unified person. whose thoughts and feelings are unadulterated by others surrounding him.
additionally, there's the elephant in the room. some have already guessed it, suspected it, saw something like it coming from miles away. but for others who have known me for the past decade, it might be a surprise. someone once told me that words have power, and while at the time i disagreed, i'm starting to understand what she meant now. i've been afraid to speak it into existence, because it means it's real, and coming to terms with this unavoidable truth is a terrifying experience, one i need to face and stop running away from.
i'm detransitioning.
giving life to this phrase doesn't make me feel any better. words have power, and that power is to make me crumble and break.
since as early as 4 years old, i felt as if i was born a boy who was just being raised as a girl. at 12 was when i learned about and started identifying as transgender. at 18 i legally changed my name. for a decade, i lived as a transgender man.
i've mentioned this before, but i'm intersex. i have an androgen insensitivity syndrome. what this means is that androgens, male sex hormones, have no effect on me. they instantly are reconverted back into estrogen by my body. this has been a reoccurring nightmare of mine since i was 14, and having it become my reality is.. heartbreaking, to say the least, crushing a lifetime of dreams and wishes. i've tried testosterone, self-medicated in my teen years, and "officially" more recently. it has no effect on me. a friend of mine says i shouldn't give up hope until i properly see an endocrinologist about HRT, but the reality is– i know my body, and i know my condition. i don't grow body hair, and my body cannot masculinize. these are unavoidable truths. i don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be told what i already know. HRT will not affect me; i will never be able to transition. any attempt will become a scientific study in which i'm a guinea pig. i don't want that.
i will never pass for male. my voice is high, my body is undoubtably female, my face is feminine, and i'm 4'11". it's disheartening and i've shed many tears over it.
for what feels like my whole life, i've longed for SRS/GRS, top surgery, a deeper voice, and a couple inches of height. i ache for body hair, masculine fat redistribution, and male pattern baldness. all the good and the bad associated with testosterone is what i so desperately yearn for with such a soul-crushing depravity. i am genuinely heartbroken.
maybe it's my punishment for all the bad things i've believed in or done. it's what i'd deserve, i guess. this punishment.
it is for those reasons that i feel like i can no longer find comfort in identifying as ftm, to struggle seeing myself as a man. it's crazy, i've referred to myself as male since early childhood, and now that i'm coming to terms with my intersex condition am i feeling wrong in every conceivably way of identity. truthfully, i don't even identify as anything anymore. i'm not nonbinary, cis, or i guess trans. i feel as if i just exist. i just am.
you can still call me kevin. it's my name, my legal name– which i love to point out. i'm not changing it. it's the first time i made a decision purely for myself, and went through with it. i love my name. i don't think i will love anything about myself quite like my name. i chose it when i was 12, it was my first choice. i never wanted another name. i still don't.
but i like nicknames, particularly kitty and K-K. you can call me those too. these have always been options available. i reiterate– i really like being called nicknames. (:
you can still use male pronouns for me. i never minded being "misgendered" because, well, i never passed, and i made peace with that years and years ago. while being called she/her or otherwise will probably always leave a stale taste in my mouth, i've learned to accept the reality of what i am a long time ago. biologically female.
you can still use male identifiers for me, like husband or boyfriend or whatever other male terms there are...... actually you'll have to pry those out of my cold dead hands. i will not accept being called a "girlfriend" i will literally go feral and foam at the mouth and bite your ankles until you take it back.
there's comfort in these things that i'm not ready to let go of, and frankly, i don't think i'll ever feel ready to.
moving forward, i don't really know what i'm going to do. right now i'm taking a break from the internet, so i can soul-search and truly find myself, in all senses of the word and every iteration that it can be built upon. i'll make a new twitter account when i'm ready to, probably.
there's a lot more i want to say, to add onto this in addendum, and pour so much of myself into this until it spills out the sides and trickles down into tiny cracks. but truthfully, i don't know how to say it. i don't know its relevancy to this eulogy of an account, and quite honestly, there are still some things i can't find myself able to say. to speak into existence. to give power to those words. admitting aloud to a 6-year long love that burnt like candles catching a home on fire was intense enough (hi Charlotte it's you, it's you and it's always been you and everyone knows this). so maybe i'd rather keep some things to myself, perhaps. preferably.
so i guess that's it. i've bared my heart and soul and skin and bones to whoever will read this piece of myself. it's the end to katidoj, one that's been a longtime coming. i've never been very good at staying in one place for very long. please take care, i love you. and i'll miss you. a piece of my heart left with you, here buried deep in this account.
(pressing the submit button has never been so hard in my life.)
Remember when the group arrived at that one city in greed island where a bunch of very heterosexual clichés started happening and killua got all grumpy out of nowhere
It’s funny out of context but I am so fucking sad over this
He can’t feel the blanket he’s holding or the cold and he’s too big for his bed and he can’t fall asleep but he’s trying to do all those things anyway because he’s 10 years old and he’s just had his entire life and childhood ripped away from him in every way possible and all he can do is hold onto the tiniest pieces of normalcy because that is literally all he has left
This is kind of funny out of context too, but no !!!This is my favorite picture in the world, OK? Because Al doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t need the bed or the blanket, but I guarantee you Ed insisted Al share it with him. He wasn’t going to let Al lay on the floor or sit against a wall by himself all night. I can’t see Al just taking the blanket, not when Ed needs it more, so Ed must’ve tucked the blanket around him during the night, the way a good big brother does. He never treats Al any differently than he would if Al had a flesh and blood body. He always tries to preserve that normalcy, to make Al feel as human as possible.
And they’re sleeping back-to-back. Al’s body is cold and hard. He could’ve gotten up or Ed could’ve moved away, but no. They’re snuggled against each other. If you’ve ever slept back-to-back with someone before you know there’s something comforting about feeling the other person’s body heat, knowing they’re right there. Al doesn’t have body heat and he can’t feel Ed’s, but they still take comfort in each other’s presence, in knowing the other’s close beside them. They’re laying beside each other like nothing’s strange about it. Ed’s body is actually angled so that he’s pressed against Al as he sleeps. He wants to be there.
It’s kind of the antithesis of the above picture. In that one, Al’s alone with a blanket that’s too small for him, looking (and probably feeling) very out of place. Here, the blanket’s big enough to wrap him in a comfy burrito, and he’s not alone. He’s got Ed, and he looks (and probably feels) much more in place.
yall wanna know how fucked up this is i figured out the relationships between every cat in thunderclan in relation to bramblestar almost every single way (YEAH THERES MULTIPLE). below the cut bc its long, some spoilers for veil of shadows if anybody still hasnt read that bc i only included cats who are alive
happy out of touch thursday
Squirrelflight- second cousins
Jayfeather- second cousins once removed
Alderheart- son OR second cousins once removed
Thornclaw- first cousins
Whitewing- first cousins once removed
Birchfall- fourth cousins once removed
Mousewhisker- unrelated (loner)
Poppyfrost- fourth cousins once removed OR first cousins once removed
Lionblaze- second cousins once removed
Bristlefrost- second cousins twice removed OR fourth cousins four times removed OR first cousins thrice removed
Lilyheart- fourth cousins once removed OR first cousins once removed
Bumblestripe- second cousins
Cherryfall- fourth cousins twice removed
Molewhisker- fourth cousins twice removed
Cinderheart- fourth cousins once removed OR first cousins once removed
Blossomfall- second cousins
Ivypool- first cousins twice removed
Eaglewing- second cousins once removed OR first cousins once removed
Dewnose- first cousins once removed
Thriftear- second cousins twice removed OR fourth cousins four times removed OR first cousins thrice removed
Stormcloud- unrelated (loner)
Hollytuft- fourth cousins thrice removed OR second cousins twice removed
Flipclaw- second cousins twice removed OR fourth cousins four times removed OR first cousins thrice removed
Fernsong- fourth cousins thrice removed OR second cousins twice removed
Honeyfur- fourth cousins twice removed OR first cousins twice removed
Sparkpelt- daughter OR second cousins once removed
Sorrelstripe- fourth cousins thrice removed OR second cousins twice removed
Twigbranch- unrelated (skyclan blood)
Finleap- unrelated (skyclan blood)
Shellfur- second cousins once removed OR first cousins once removed
Plumstone- second cousins once removed OR first cousins once removed
Leafshade- first cousins twice removed OR fourth cousins twice removed
Spotfur- fourth cousins thrice removed OR second cousins twice removed
Flywhisker- fourth cousins thrice removed OR second cousins twice removed
Snaptooth- fourth cousins thrice removed OR second cousins twice removed
Finchpaw- granddaughter OR second cousins twice removed
Flamepaw- grandson OR second cousins twice removed
Baypaw- fourth cousins four times removed OR second cousins thrice removed
Myrtlepaw- fourth cousins four times removed OR second cousins thrice removed
