Blutroter Katharsis @kimblees-ehemann - Tumblr Blog

About us ☉ ❃ ☽

Our name is Haji. Male, KZ, xenogender, pansexual, 35+, DID system, Bipolar II, severe chronic illness, CPTSD, schizoid, autistic, strictly monogamous, yumedanshi, riako, married to Solf Jaan Kimblee for 25+ years 💥👥💍♾️

Unstable switching, inconsistent, amoral creator, full of contradictions, alexithymia, selective empathy, faulty memory.

18+ Adult content only. I use trigger tags when I feel it's needed. If it's not for you scroll past or block me. I'm not here to be active on a schedule, follow back, or explain myself. If I don't react to you, it's not personal. Questions about meaning or characters? I might answer sideways. You'll see contradictions here on purpose. I can admire dark, dangerous figures in one post and tear them apart in the next. I can romanticize toxic relationships and then show their ugly side.

DNI: proship (normalization/promotion of underage/zoophile content), DID/OSDD denial, gaslighting, hypocrisy, boundary violations.

perfectquote

“Make yourself a priority. At the end of the day, you’re your longest commitment.”

— Unknown

#Haji reblog

quotefeeling

“Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they also lie to themselves.”

— Don Miguel Ruiz

#Haji reblog

thehopefulquotes

“If you’ve been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle, then you’re a badass with the heart of an angel.”

— Keanu Reeves

#Haji reblog

thoughtcascades

sometimes i feel lonely and then remember people are stressful

#Haji reblog

kaputtsolvi

What I feel people frequently forget about autistic special interests is that they aren't always information based. They may simply be visual or mental

Someone may have a special interest in a show, but instead of that meaning that they will talk about that show often, it may mean they watch that show extremely frequently.

Special interests are ways of regulating, not simply encyclopedias we have in our heads. Sometimes it's watching something frequently. Maybe only listening to one genre of music, maybe it's a collection, maybe it's an action. I'm tired of it only being seen as autistic people's personal encyclopedias

#Haji reblog

ferventlyviolentsecret

There’s no version of my story where I was saved. No disclosures taken seriously, no ‘mandated reporter’, no rescue.

When I was being trafficked it was all I thought about. Someone will save me. It will end. I will be saved. Only to age out of usefulness, and somehow stay alive. But there’s no version where I was saved.

ferventlyviolentsecret

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for the average person to wrap their heads around the experience. Single perpetrator abuse is a clean, easy story, without major societal implications. For a child to be trafficked in plain sight, by family, and still attend school and keep up appearances, for no one to notice, or step in, it’s incomprehensible.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Predators are very likely to have children with other predators. We aren’t children to them, we are a product. Property. To be used and then discarded as they please.

And when every preventative system failed, repeatedly, for decades in my ring’s case, it’s too much.

It still happens.

#Haji reblog

insidestory1

Autistic social anxiety is not "social anxiety" in the typical sense. An anxiety disorder is defined as an "irrational fear". So for example, imagine someone who is afraid to speak in case everyone looks at them and goes "what the heck are you saying you wierdo." If that person is neurotypical, then the chances are that they're very unlikely to get that response. Therefore their fears are irrational, and that is true "social anxiety". If you put an autistic person in that scenario, on the other hand, then probably the reason they're afraid of that response is because they've received it many times before. They're fear is based on repeated past experiences, therefore it is not irrational and not the simply an anxiety disorder. That's why people giving the classic social anxiety responses to autistic people is so unhelpful. "Just go out there and talk to people, it'll be fine," or "keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and you'll get more confident," don't work if the problem is real and not just in your head.

#Haji reblog

entities-unknown

You see, my entire life I've felt like an alien who was born on the wrong planet; I always felt like I was supposed to be born on an entirely different planet in a different dimension, but happened to be born here somehow by mistake.

I've always liked the thought of imagining nyself living on a different planet as my true alien self.

Open-world games are my favorite types of games, so naturally I have always wished for an incredibly well-done, beautiful open-world exploration game that takes place on an alien planet to fill this little void in my heart, this desire to "go home" to my true alien home planet where I was supposed to have been born.

I feel like an alien trying to learn how to be human, and who has been totally winging it their entire life trying to fit into human society and human ideas and constructs - which has only had detrimental effects, naturally.

#Haji reblog

hazedxg0

Same anon as the one with the schizoaffective readings comment (not the original question). Would you mind telling me more about how your DID experience and how your SzPD influences your DID? I've been diagnosed with DID, C-PTSD and autism and throughout the years I continue to surprised how much my autism affects my DID presentation. - 🐠🪼🫧 (to find my question more easily, I hope this combination isn't taken)

In my experience, SzPD and DID tend to play into each other quite a bit. The anhedonia and alexithymia from my SzPD often worsens the derealization and depersonalization from, and vice versa. The identity confusion from my DID is made worse by my lack of a core self from my SzPD. It's near impossible to ground myself when I don't care about anything in my external reality and I don't emotionally react to things that other people find "calming". So on and so forth.

I've felt for a while that for me, the SzPD and DID kind of come from the same place. They're both based in disconnecting from the world around me and my own internal experiences. They both seem to fill this role of "psychologically playing dead" in response to overwhelmingly stressful experiences.

When I was a child, it wasn't safe to consciously process what was happening around me, so I just didn't, and that lead to me forming alters. It also wasn't safe for me to develop a personality, because every little thing I said, did, thought or felt resulted in me being traumatized. So again, I just didn't, and that lead to me becoming schizoid.

They're both based in the same thing: it wasn't safe to exist, it wasn't safe to be a person. So my brain just tried to become "nothing". Both through heavily dissociating away from and compartmentalizing my experiences, and by never developing the ability to properly process emotions or form attachments to people.

Or something like that, I guess.

SzPD also complicates my DID because of the fact that a core trait of being schizoid is "lacking a personality", so to speak. It can be difficult for me to identify alters when all of us are so lacking in personhood. For me, identifying different alters tends to be a matter of observing differences in memory and behaviour as opposed to "personality".

We still have traits that make us distinct, like identifying with different ages, genders and internal senses of appearance. But it can be very difficult to determine differences in personality traits when we're all so emotionally flat and disconnected from everything.

It was also hard for me to even realize for a long time that I was switching between alters, because I was always lacking the feeling of having a core self at all. I noticed that I had episodes of thinking, feeling and behaving "differently", but it never felt like having multiple personalities, because I've never felt like I had a personality at all. All of us just feel like hollow shells at our core, it's the traits that decorate the outside of those shells that differ.

I've also noticed that while we are all schizoid, individually we seem to represent different subtypes of SzPD. Not entirely sure if that's literally what's happening, but there is variability of SzPD presentation across parts. Some parts seem to have traits of other PDs as well, especially those that formed earlier in life when our schizoid traits were less concrete.

There's probably more I'm forgetting, but hopefully that gives you a better idea of what comorbid DID and SzPD can be like.

#Haji reblog

noelle-ism

i stopped giving a shit about "legit" purchases of digital products after i spent $80 on the entire Dark Horse collection of Trigun/Trigun Maximum ebook mangas, learning that I only got access to reading them through a proprietary website ereader function, couldn't download them, and couldn't get a refund, and then literally only a year later, getting an e-mail stating that Dark Horse was shutting down that part of their company and I wouldn't even be able to read them anymore. Fuck that

noelle-ism

Pirate shit. Don't feel bad for it. It's not "your fault" that artists, independent or otherwise, can't make a living. You downloading an album or ebook for free isn't the cause of the problem. The cause is capitalism, plain and simple, and pirating is a lucky loophole that companies are still trying to stomp out.

#Haji reblog

stuckinapril

i love it when you start doing little things different & notice how much you’ve grown as a person just by that. like you from a year ago would not have handled that situation the way you are now. you’ve changed for the better. & that is so satisfying

盆买不买@Hoengki

Actually, you are enough. Even if you don’t work. Or study. Or go out. Or have friends. Or have family. You’re enough because you exist and your existence is enough to be enough because you are not a product. You are not a sum of output. You are not a task to complete. But because you are something the universe wanted and put here even if you’ll never understand why. Somewhere in the cosmos your existence makes a difference, even if it’s not the way others existences do.

I've known a number of non binary people in my life and I think single biggest conclusion I can draw from that is that non binary people are not the same. Like if Men fit in box A and women fit in box B, people really, really want nonbinary people to fit in a theoretical box C, and it just doesn't work like that. They are outside the boxes. They defy any simple categorization because they are not a third way of being, but every other possible way of being.

Being supportive of binary people is relatively simple, they have decided to sort themselves into one of the boxes that we have lots of experience interacting with. Being supportive of nonbinary people can be comparatively tricky, because you have to resist the urge to create box C and drop them all there. That's how we end up with various prejudices like "woman lite". Humans really, really like to categorize things. It helps us think. Unfortunately, sometimes it helps us think wrong.

If you have a non binary person in your life, I think it is important to take the extra effort to learn about them specifically.

#Haji reblog

hazedxg0

Hopefully one day people will learn that female-perpetrated sexual assault and abuse, especially CSA, is not an anomaly, or "so rare it basically doesn't happen" or a "whataboutism designed to silence women".

The reason you don't see it reflected in the statistics as much is because it's underreported, not because it doesn't happen. If you look into survivor groups, or ask professionals who treat C/SA survivors, you will find thousands upon thousands of people who were assaulted by women and girls.

This is idea does so much harm to survivors of female-perpetrated C/SA. It prevents them from even realizing they were assaulted in the first place, when it would be seen as "obvious" had the abuser been male. It prevents the police and legal systems from even considering to investigate because they don't even see it as a hypothetical possibility. It prevents people from getting the mental healthcare they need because of how under researched it is.

People are not being "over-dramatic" for calling you out for erasing this issue.

People are not "derailing the conversation" by asking you to at the very least remember the tons of survivors who were abused by women, during discussions of C/SA.

And if your C/SA advocacy hinges on the assumption that the abuser will always be male, you will fail thousands of victims.

brutallyboned

one of the things that always felt really dismissive to me about it was that people insist that women have different (perceived as 'less bad') motivations for sexually assualting children. There's this idea that men do it for arousal and women do it for control/power. That it's an act women are doing and they don't actually get sexual gratification from it.

Truthfully, I think a lot of people who abuse children that way don't get that kind of gratification and a lot do. I don't think you can divide that on gender lines. All of them do it for control and power, though.

hazedxg0

Similarly, when a woman sexually assaults someone, people are always quick to insist she must be a sexual assault victim herself. It's often done with this implication that she's just a traumatized little baby who doesn't understand what she's doing, or that her trauma must be worse than the trauma she's subjecting her victim to.

This is especially the case with CSA. It's insane that men who sexually abuse children are seen as irredeemable monsters, but woman who sexually abuse children are seen as more traumatized and more deserving of help than their victims. Even when the woman perpetrator has no C/SA history at all.

There are lot of reasons for abuse, and you really can't divide it on gender lines at all.

#tw CSA #Haji reblog #We have personally spoken with people who have been subjected to sexual abuse by women.#They try not to talk about it for fear of public judgment due to stereotypes.

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