su;c;dal fvcked up man

This is all about me, the inner me. My posts might be triggering for some. Read at your own risk.

[sleeplessv0id]

maybe in another universe, I can ask for help when I need it.

[krydesama]

Reaching Milestones While Grieving

Milestones are like checkpoints on our life journey. They act as indicators of development, transformation, and success—they show you how far you've come. They serve as evidence that your hard work has finally paid off, which breaks your life into meaningful chapters. When life gets hazy, they help you tell your experience more clearly and vividly.

Reaching a milestone would have meant the world to someone who helped you get there, but when they are no longer around to see it –it is indeed a bittersweet victory. The joy is mixed with a heavy ache. The fact that the person who encouraged you isn't present to share in your joy can make you feel both proud and incredibly sad. Their absence would be so loud than any other day. You would imagine what they would have said –how they would have reacted. You would have those “I wish you were here” moments.

The thought of reaching another milestone knowing they can’t see it hit like a wave –quite yet overwhelming. You achieve something you know would have made them proud, and when you’re about to celebrate –there’s that ache: they’re not here to see it. It’s the kind of silence that speaks volumes. They’re no longer here and yet they’re still part of it.

There is an unseen void surrounding the victory when you are unable to share your happiness, growth, or that proud moment with the one who has always supported you, believed in you, and perhaps even dreamed alongside you. You smile but it's softened by the pain. Although you glow, a part of you seems to be faded.

Every time you succeed, you carry a piece of them with you. It’s okay to cry, to miss them, and to feel robbed of that shared joy, but also to feel proud, knowing you’re making their legacy live on through your life. Reaching those milestones becomes a way to honor their memory. Every step you take can be a quiet “thank you” to them. You’re carrying their influence, their lessons, and their love –all woven into your success. Your journey continues the story they helped begin.

[krydesama]

"Doubtbound"

Over time—my confidence fading, 

Anxiety rising, my mind's cascading. 

Frequently lost in a downward flight, 

Most of the time, doubting my might. 

An internal war I fight alone, 

A struggle only I have known. 

Binding me tight like iron-made shackles, 

Holding me back as my spirit unravels.

[krydesama]

The phrase "time heals all wounds" has a lot of weight, but it's more complex than it appears.

While time does not always eliminate grief, it does allow us to process and adapt to the loss. When you lose someone you love, the initial grieving might feel overwhelming, as if a part of you has died as well. There is a profound grief and an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

However, over time, you begin to find ways to cope with the suffering, not because it has vanished but because you have learned to bear it. You may cry less, the restlessness softens, and while it never completely disappears — it becomes bearable. Eventually, you may discover moments of serenity, recalling your loved one with a bittersweet smile instead of tears.

In that sense, time does not heal as we would like — it does not eliminate the pain — but it helps us with the ability to cope with it. Grief has no end date, but it evolves, becoming something we learn to accept as part of our life — still painful but bearable.

In time, we discover strength in the most unlikely places. Healing is a process. It isn't linear; everyone's experience is different.

[krydesama]

Adulting: Seasonal Friends

In our journey through life, we encounter different individuals and cultivate various friendships, from our closest companions to those who drift in and out like the changing seasons. Seasonal friends, often misunderstood, are a common phenomenon in adulthood. They aren't necessarily 'fake' friends; instead, they may include individuals who were once integral parts of our lives—best friends, confidantes—whom we've naturally drifted away from as we've progressed.

Recently, one of my friends asked me if I had news about a specific friend, and I told him that I hadn't heard anything from her for a long time. Our interactions had dwindled over the past two years, with the last meaningful exchange occurring during my birthday celebration. Reflecting on our past interactions, I recognized how our once vibrant conversations had gradually faded, eventually ceasing altogether. Neither of us bore the blame for this shift. Instead, it was a consequence of diverging priorities and busy schedules.

Though our bond has evolved, I still have a fondness for her and wish her well, albeit recognizing that she's no longer part of my inner circle. While the thought saddens me, I harbor no regrets; growth often necessitates parting ways with specific individuals. As we mature, our inner circle naturally contracts, a natural ebb and flow of life.

[krydesama]

The Parasite

A living carcass roams around to find a host, staring blankly at others' faces, wondering if they are alike. Every step he takes is going backward instead of moving forward. He wonders why people don't find it weird, still wondering if they were alike. If most people are like him, how is he going to find a host? A host that will make him truly alive. He looks up to the sky to see the only wonders of this lifetime. "Should I stay on this ground?" he asked.

[krydesama]

While watching the moon slowly engulfed by the dark clouds, her magisterial light slowly fading away, I realized we were just like the moon. We gave the light to our loved ones at their darkest hours. But sometimes, we're emotionally exhausted and unavailable, so our lights won't be enough to reach them. Whenever your light seems don't enough, don't feel bad because that's natural; it is okay. Don't lose yourself while loving someone.

[krydesama]

"What-If-ilia"

Too many what-ifs on my mind,

Too afraid to seek answers all the time.

Daydreaming - is what I do,

Take a leap? Says who?

Comical oxymoronic thinkin' -

Got me flakin' and breakin'.

[krydesama]

A Letter for A Friend

"Hi, Jace. If you're reading this, that means I'm no longer around. Thank you for putting up with me till now. You've been there for years; I was never alone. You supported me through thick and thin. But, there were fights I needed to face by myself. I needed to struggle alone to grow. Every day, for how many years, I'm battling with my demons to live. I thought I was winning. But they were more rabid than I thought. Don't ever blame yourself for why I did this. This is a self-inflicted tragedy that I let myself succumb to because I got tired of outgrowing those monsters. I love you. It was fun while it lasted."

These were my exact words when I decided to end myself. It was 5 years ago when you found me and not breathing. But it was also the day that you saved me. You helped me get better and deal with my demons. We planned my life together. A future with you. I was so happy living my life with you. Slowly seeing that there is more to life than my inner monsters. I was in bliss and didn't see through your subtle actions that you were suffering. I forgot that you have your own demons to deal with. I saw it too late, and you're beyond redeemable. It was fun while it lasted.

[krydesama]

A vague dream from that day forth - Left with a vivid feeling of warmth. Craving for more and more Then, woke up to the thunder of Thor. This insomniac child Wants to sleep at night Hoping for that vague dream to come Like a blanket that'll give him warmth.

[krydesama]

My room's getting messy Goals starting to blurry I talk to no one I'm having no fun I chose to hide I opt to be on this side Walking on a thread Waiting to be dead

[krydesama]

"Timespine"

I'm sixteen,

Lost between now and where I’ve been.

I'm seventeen,

A drifting shadow caught in between.

I'm eighteen,

A flower barely breaking the evergreen.

I'm nineteen,

Tracing echoes of dreams unseen.

I'm twenty,

Carrying clocks that move too swiftly.

Twenty-one,

Chasing the sun, yet undone.

I'm twenty-two,

A ship at sea with no view.

Then twenty-three,

Winds whispering of being free.

Now I'm twenty-four,

Locked behind a closing door.

In twenty-five,

A candle dim, yet still alive.

Twenty-six,

A puzzle piece that never clicks.

Twenty-seven,

Wishing for a map back to eleven.

Twenty-eight,

Atlas hands, yet bending with weight.

Twenty-nine,

A fading star with a shattered shine.

Thirty—

Do the echoes finally sing me happy?

disclaimer: got the idea from here

[broken-and-recovering-deactivat]

[krydesama]

Life - "there's more to it," I say. Always hoping for better days. Emptiness -it will fade away. Yet, I am my own prey. Walls - I built for my sanctuary. Here! I became so wary Of my variety of personalities. Loneliness - so she! I'm gonna marry. Starving -funny! it's easier Than striving harder To live life with vigor - the end seems much safer.

[inksomniac]

“You are what the moon dreams of when it sleeps.”

— a.y. // i have a few more words for you

[lohver]

shout out to anyone who’s struggling with their mental health and doesn’t think they can live like this for much longer; if you’re reading this, please stay alive, you’re still here and you’re so strong and i’m proud of you.

[depresseddisneyprincess]

reblog this if you didn’t think you’d make it to 2021

[krydesama]

Lol