(also, bbys, you have a right to bodily autonomy, make yrself at home in your body however that looks for you, gender is a choose your own adventure and Iâm rooting for you, ily)
I love how we don't even need Apollo to be captioned, it's just "he's holding a dodgeball and looks Greek statue, of COURSE it's Apollo delivering the gift of prophecy unto unsuspecting tumblr users"
So my WC au that squats like a hobo in my head is half an entire rewrite, and half "a dozen smaller aus stacked together in a trench coat", but the most important parts are
- each clan is significantly different from each other with its own culture and different societal roles
- lineage is of huge importance (as a way of explaining canon's very strange hyperfixation on blood relationships trumping adopted ones). There's an au somewhere on Tumblr that talks about this and lines up with my au pretty well, I'll look for the link later. In recent generations there's been a gradual acceptance of "soul relationships" over blood ones bc they've realized good genes do not overwrite inbreeding
- bc of this Leadership is usually passed along bloodlines, but there have been cases of Divine Intervention
- medicine cats, called Clerics or Seers depending on context, are chosen by starclan
So anyway the story starts with the whole "fire alone will save the clans" prophecy, but all clerics recieve it. Tallstar has a suspicion about this and waits for his Consort, Jake, who was meant to bring their son to Windclan. Unbeknownst to them, little Fire is taken from his birth mother earlier than they expected and given to another family. They search and search, but are thwarted by a gang of twoleg cats with a grudge against the clans. Distraught, the entire of Windclan mourns the loss of the prince they never even got to meet.
Moons later, a kitten called Rusty with dreams of a forest, plains, river, and bog, and blurry baby memories of being called "little flame" and being told his place was in the Clans escapes his twoleg den.
My cat is demanding I stop typing and play with her so I'll rant on a bit more later if you're interested lmao
i am SO interested, I especially love that you entwined an established and discussed canon reason for the fixation on bloodline vs adoption .o. plus all the clans getting the prophecy...does this mean they're going to fight over Firepaw when they realize đđđ
ahsgsjak I'm glad you're interested bc now that I'm actually talking about the story that's been living in my head rent free for over a decade I'm having trouble shutting up. I'll put this under a read-more and try to stick to just the first book lmao
So Rusty meets Greypaw as usual and is promptly taken in by Bluestar, backed by her Deputy-Heir and nephew, Whitestorm.
uh. backup, when a Star is first chosen they often choose a trusted senior warrior as their Deputy to help them maintain the clan. Once their heir has been chosen and is old enough to start their official leader training, the current deputy steps back into the honored role of Advisor and the heir becomes the Deputy until they themselves become Stars. Deputy-Advisors can become leaders if the current Star is lost before they have an heir or said heir is a kit/paw, usually as regent but sometimes permanently with an omen. (This was how Sunstar came to power. I'm sure Pinestar's son Tigerclaw and his mentor/honorary father Thistleclaw weren't upset about this at all)
ANYWAY. The story of Blue's lost kits is spoken in pitying whispers, so no one dares raise too much of a fuss about the kittypet's presence, but no one sees him as or treats him as a potential royal heir. There's some pushback at her taking him as her apprentice, but Bluestar and Whitestorm are respected enough that it doesn't go beyond scandalous gossip and mild bullying on Firepaw's part.
And then Whitestorm is killed in the same battle that claims Riverclan's Deputy Oakheart. Both apparently die in a rock collapse. It's a tragedy, and both clans agree to treat Sunningrocks as a temporary truce grounds until both have recovered. Riverclan is not in too bad of shape - Oak was set to become Advisor soon anyway as Silverstream had just become warrior and eligible to train as the Deputy-Heir.
Thunderclan, meanwhile... there's some discourse over who should be chosen as the next Heir. Former-kittypet Fire is clearly out of the running, and besides he's too young. Some feel Whitestorm's mate Brindleface should be chosen, especially because they had been trying for kits so she might be carrying blood-heirs. Some think that Tigerclaw already has royal blood. What actually ends up happening is Bluestar appoints Redtail, Thrushpelt and Rosetail's son. The cats who believed all along that the three of them were all together romantically take this as vindication.
Also Fire is unaware but his announcement at the first gathering caused a LOT of curiosity. Bluestar hadn't chosen him to come so the other Stars, Deputies, Advisors, and Clerics didn't get a face to go with the name, but ever since there have been many times they've peered over into Thunderclan's borders in the hope of catching a glimpse and searching for signs.
Firepaw learns about clan life and adjusts well, until he finds a crotchety cat he recognizes as Shadowclan's Seer (a Cleric with an exceptional talent, usually something supernatural like Jayfeather's dream-walking and in this case Yellowfang's ability to sense others' pain). He feeds her, and is goaded into taking a bite himself as per canon. Yellow recognizes the fire in him as that of Prophecy and claims sanctuary in Thunderclan without explaining anything else, much to the leadership's annoyance bc they think she is trying to steal Firepaw.
The next gathering Brokestar announces an exile that killed kits, and there's a huge argument about whether Yellow is the exile because she refuses to speak on the matter, saying Shadowclan's internal matters are up to the paws of Starclan and she will not act without a sign. Bluestar and Spottedleaf take the side of the gods-chosen Seer over the shady Brokenstar, tho the rest of the clan except Firepaw is especially wary with Brindleface just having given birth to Whitestorm's kits.
The next gathering, they learn Windclan has been driven out by Shadowclan. They are threatened with the same fate if they do not give tribute to SC. This cements Broken's role as the Bad Guy in TCs eyes, but some still think Yellow is working with him.
Around this time Ravenpaw comes out with the truth to Fire and Grey - he saw Tigerclaw start the rockslide that killed Whitestorm and Oakheart. He doesn't know for sure if it was on purpose, but Tiger sure didn't seem upset about the death but WAS upset Redtail was chosen over him. He fears he's next.
The next gathering comes, and Riverclan and Thunderclan refuse to give tribute. Shortly after, Spottedleaf is murdered and kits are stolen. After that things go as in canon, with the added outrage of Royal kits being taken, and the fact that Brokenstar got his extra lives from the Dark Forest (not nine, bc DF isn't as powerful as Starclan. maybe four? Let's go with four lives). Turns out one of a cleric's powers is to "exorcise" the power of the DF - so when Yellowfang rakes her claws across Brokenstar and kills him, all four lives are ripped from him.
Yellowfang becomes TC's Seer, Ravenpaw escaped to Barley's, Fireheart + Greystripe + Sandstorm (who took down Clawface herself in the raging grief for her beloved auntie) become warriors, Raggedstar's brother Scorchwind steps up as a Star, and everyone agrees they'd better go find Windclan to apologize and bring them home.
They send Fireheart from TC, Darkflower from SC, and Stonefur from RC.
okay this fuck SO HARD. im interested in knowing what happens to Redtail (for no particular reason none at all) considering that he lives. you also mentioned that you had some pretty major cultural differences between the clans? đ id love to hear that too
Redtail remains Deputy-Heir until around FoS time. Tigerclaw, determined to reclaim his supposed birthright, rallies Brokenbutt's exiled supporters to attack TC as per canon. He personally kills Red in the chaos.
But a bit more information on him in this au, since you obviously have no reason to care about him:
While he does indeed have a very red and fluffy tail (that Squirrelflight inherits), the suffix -tail has an actual meaning. Cats use tails for balance, so in all clans -tail is used to signify a cat with great balance in both the literal and metaphorical sense.
No one but Redtail knows who his daughter's sire is. The most prevalent rumor is that he asked Whitestorm, his good friend, as a favor. Both toms are aware of this and neither confirm or deny it for security that Sandkit would be completely accepted.
As for clan differences, it's mostly a mash up of headcanons I've collected, knowledge of common biological adaptations for certain environments on my part, and discussions about different cultures with my anthropologist sibling. Also half of it might not make sense bc I have what is hopefully just a cold RIP;;;
Thunderclan:
- societal emphasis on Strength and Bravery
- most active at dawn and dusk (crepuscular)
- most common physical traits include: any coat pattern that helps in camouflage (tabby, brindling, etc). Thick, short fur to protect against briars without getting snagged. Strong bodies. Tend towards larger claws bc they absorbed the most Skyclan cats who chose to stay behind.
- second-most varied diet among the clans. Involves all the usual forest critters: rodents, birds, other small mammals, etc.
- most likely to use thorned plants in building structures as a defense. They line the insides of such dens with the pelts of particularly soft critters they caught.
- after skyclan was outcast, they are the clan with the best chance of finding and gathering honey.
- worship, in a sense, battle. Honorable battle is a way of both proving yourself to and providing entertainment for your ancestors. as the clan name implies, thunderstorms are sacred. Thunder is the mighty roar of the Great Cat Gods, lightning is the flash of tooth and claw, and rain is the falling blood of their enemies.
- culturally honored animals include: deer, boars, and wolves
- also scars are sexy. They prove the cat is strong enough to survive horrific injuries. A lot of young cats were jealous of Cloudfoot (cloudtail) for winning Brightheart's affection.
- more traditional courting involves proving the strength of your blood to a mate by feats of strength and daring
- when a cat dies they are laid in the center of the camp clearing so their spirit may rise straight to the stars. The body is then buried beneath the roots of a favored tree or briar plant, to provide for it so it may continue to defend their clan.
Riverclan:
- emphasis on Talent and Beauty
- their activity/sleep schedule is a mystery even to themselves sometimes (cathemeral)
- common traits: Oily, water-resistant fur (longer considered more beautiful). Webbed toes. Fur patterns of all types, but usually in a cooler shade (black, blue, silver, dusky brown, etc). Smaller ears than most, with thick fur lining them (they're the clan that came up with treatments for ear infections bc of all the times cats got water in their ears RIP). Body type is a balance of stocky and streamlined, with slightly shorter but strong legs. Thick-tailed.
- famous for eating fish, but they cheerfully take other water animals. also hunt woodland critters in the winter when the water is frozen and the fish dive deep.
- they deal with the ever-present threat of floods by making their dens on rafts of woven reeds. They usually anchor them to the giant willow their camp is built around.
- they really like pretty things. Shiny rocks, colorful feathers, a nice fish scale, whatever, they will collect and trade them like pokemon cards. Courting often involves hunting down the best trinkets to present to a perspective mate.
- other parts of courting also involve beauty - grooming oneself to perfection to impress the other cat, using flowery language to show ones articulation, and moving gracefully/dancing are all common exhibits.
- they basically worship the rain cycle. Water in general is sacred, with the belief that rain is the blood of the stars. water absorbed into the earth and/or drank is the memories of a spirit returning to the Great Circle, and moving water is flowing to where it will fall off the earth and reenter the starry sky.
- honored animals: ospreys, herons, pike
- when a cat passes, their bodies are released into the River so it may carry them to Starclan.
Shadowclan:
- emphasis on Stealth and Loyalty
- mostly nocturnal
- common traits: long, dark fur to blend in with the shadows. Any markings that help break up the outline of the cat, with white spotting being considered ugly. Second most common clan to find webbed paws (yay wetlands). Large, round, bright eyes (reminiscent of the moon) are considered attractive.
- also infamous diet-wise, but for eating the giant bugs commonly found in their marsh. Most likely clan to have reptiles and amphibians (not toads) to eat. Occasionally catch the wayward bat. Again, second most likely clan to have fish in their prey stores.
- because of the wide variety of plants and fungi in their marsh, they have a very swamp witch aesthetic about their decorating.
- on a related note, because mushrooms smell like tasty meat to cats but many are poisonous, ShC cats are often cast as the forbidden temptors/temptresses in other clans' stories
- so I don't know much about the average wetlands in Europe, but I grew up in a swamp in Florida and let me tell you everything in here can kill you. That tree? Poisonous. That newt? Horrifically toxic. That log? Actually an alligator. That plant? full of acid.
Likewise the SC cats have learned to harness the various poisons in their habitat. In battle they are known to coat their claws in various venoms ranging from "completely honorable you're just cowards" mild irritants (when fighting other clan cats) to straight up Can Actually Kill You (fighting major threats they have no other advantage over). This can backfire on them if the venom gets in their own injuries of course, so stronger ones are reserved for the largest, healthiest warriors.
- also their stealth focus has led them to be masters of silent communication. All cats "speak" at least in part with body language and motions, but from the other clans' perspectives ShC cats can communicate an entire battle plan in a blink and a tail twitch.
- worship the night, and specifically the moon (believed to be the eye of Silverpelt by all clans). New Moons and Full Moons are holy, even outside of gatherings. On full moons all cats will celebrate in the moonlight like kits under a queen's watchful gaze. On new moons they gather and sing lullabies so Silverpelt may sleep well for the night.
- honored animals: corvids, toads
- upon death a ShC cat is mourned with stories shared about their lives by the whole clan and songs celebrating their going home to Mother Silverpelt. They are then laid in the Raven Vale, where the ravens will carry their spirits to Starclan and their bones shall sink into the marsh.
Windclan:
- Emphasis on Speed and Endurance
- mostly diurnal
- common traits: lighter colored tabbies for Runners, darker solid colors for Tunnelers. Slick fur. Lithe bodies with long legs. Thick claws that do not fully retract for grip while sprinting/digging. Long, strong tails for balance while running. Most common clan to find polydactylism!
- has the least prey variety, but makes up for it by having the highest hunt success rate by hunting in packs. Famous for taking down lagomorphs (have u ever actually met a hare they are deeply unsettling and I would not pick a fight with one) and birds of prey.
- They tend to decorate with feathers and flowers. Also are perfectly happy to collect snagged wool. Most of them don't see the appeal in any of the odd rocks their tunnelers find, so they actually have a trade going on with RC trading trinkets for materials not available on the moor.
- they have their tunnels like in pre-TPB, but I've decided they use the leftover dirt to build things like windbreaks and gardens. Other clans also maintain gardens to an extent, but WC are the pros.
- most likely to know other animal languages due to cultural exchange with barn and roaming cats. On a related note, least xenophobic clan.
- traditional courting is essentially a race/obstacle course around the whole territory as both a bonding experience and a test of speed, agility, and endurance
- consider themselves closest to Starclan as in canon (tho they used to fight with Skyclan for the right of this title)
- worship the sky and earth, as the earth is the mortal home and the sky is the home of the gods. Their holy days are the equinoxes and the solstices
- a lot of omens are carried on the wind (think that scene where Rafiki learns Simba survived in Lion King).
- honored animals: horses, sheep
- a cat dying is mourned with a display of keening into the wind by their kin and friends. Once the spirit has been lifted up to Starclan by the wind and voices, their body is buried in the earth.
- fun tidbit! if the wind is just right the keening carries to other territories, and basically the other clans don't challenge WC on their "closest to Starclan" thing bc they are kinda worried the moors are haunted
Skyclan:
- emphasis on Agility and Cleverness
- also crepuscular
- common traits: markings for camouflage like in TC, but with the added preference of countershading (lighter bottom, darker top) to help hide in the branches. Large, strong legs and claws for leaping and gripping. Long fur liable to snag, so considered undesirable.
- similar diet to TC, but with a lot more birds. Also theoretically capable of nabbing bats, but their belief is that bats descend from kits that died too soon and were gifted a second life with the ability of flight by the gods. This was a point of major contention with Shadowclan.
- their camp is literally a massive, massive tree so any decorations tend to be light and easy to carry while climbing. On the other hand they're the ones who've figured out how to make hammocks out of woven plant materials.
- after ShC they are considered the best at ambushing. By which I mean they literally drop out of their trees and on to their target's back. One unlucky twoleg is very confused as to how the dropbears got here from Australia.
- the best cats at calculations. The longest part of their apprenticeship is dedicated to fine-tuning the powers of their jumps and developing the abilities to judge a branch's carry weight and plot a path thru the tree branches.
- they worship plants, not actually the sky, especially large trees.
- when they die they are buried in the roots of a favorite tree
- honestly I've put the least amount of thought into Skyclan because by the time they show up they've been disbanded for so long that most of their culture is lost to time. They only start rebuilding after TPB, and then it's trying to adapt old forest traditions to suit at first a ravine and then a lake
So my WC au that squats like a hobo in my head is half an entire rewrite, and half "a dozen smaller aus stacked together in a trench coat", but the most important parts are
- each clan is significantly different from each other with its own culture and different societal roles
- lineage is of huge importance (as a way of explaining canon's very strange hyperfixation on blood relationships trumping adopted ones). There's an au somewhere on Tumblr that talks about this and lines up with my au pretty well, I'll look for the link later. In recent generations there's been a gradual acceptance of "soul relationships" over blood ones bc they've realized good genes do not overwrite inbreeding
- bc of this Leadership is usually passed along bloodlines, but there have been cases of Divine Intervention
- medicine cats, called Clerics or Seers depending on context, are chosen by starclan
So anyway the story starts with the whole "fire alone will save the clans" prophecy, but all clerics recieve it. Tallstar has a suspicion about this and waits for his Consort, Jake, who was meant to bring their son to Windclan. Unbeknownst to them, little Fire is taken from his birth mother earlier than they expected and given to another family. They search and search, but are thwarted by a gang of twoleg cats with a grudge against the clans. Distraught, the entire of Windclan mourns the loss of the prince they never even got to meet.
Moons later, a kitten called Rusty with dreams of a forest, plains, river, and bog, and blurry baby memories of being called "little flame" and being told his place was in the Clans escapes his twoleg den.
My cat is demanding I stop typing and play with her so I'll rant on a bit more later if you're interested lmao
i am SO interested, I especially love that you entwined an established and discussed canon reason for the fixation on bloodline vs adoption .o. plus all the clans getting the prophecy...does this mean they're going to fight over Firepaw when they realize đđđ
ahsgsjak I'm glad you're interested bc now that I'm actually talking about the story that's been living in my head rent free for over a decade I'm having trouble shutting up. I'll put this under a read-more and try to stick to just the first book lmao
So Rusty meets Greypaw as usual and is promptly taken in by Bluestar, backed by her Deputy-Heir and nephew, Whitestorm.
uh. backup, when a Star is first chosen they often choose a trusted senior warrior as their Deputy to help them maintain the clan. Once their heir has been chosen and is old enough to start their official leader training, the current deputy steps back into the honored role of Advisor and the heir becomes the Deputy until they themselves become Stars. Deputy-Advisors can become leaders if the current Star is lost before they have an heir or said heir is a kit/paw, usually as regent but sometimes permanently with an omen. (This was how Sunstar came to power. I'm sure Pinestar's son Tigerclaw and his mentor/honorary father Thistleclaw weren't upset about this at all)
ANYWAY. The story of Blue's lost kits is spoken in pitying whispers, so no one dares raise too much of a fuss about the kittypet's presence, but no one sees him as or treats him as a potential royal heir. There's some pushback at her taking him as her apprentice, but Bluestar and Whitestorm are respected enough that it doesn't go beyond scandalous gossip and mild bullying on Firepaw's part.
And then Whitestorm is killed in the same battle that claims Riverclan's Deputy Oakheart. Both apparently die in a rock collapse. It's a tragedy, and both clans agree to treat Sunningrocks as a temporary truce grounds until both have recovered. Riverclan is not in too bad of shape - Oak was set to become Advisor soon anyway as Silverstream had just become warrior and eligible to train as the Deputy-Heir.
Thunderclan, meanwhile... there's some discourse over who should be chosen as the next Heir. Former-kittypet Fire is clearly out of the running, and besides he's too young. Some feel Whitestorm's mate Brindleface should be chosen, especially because they had been trying for kits so she might be carrying blood-heirs. Some think that Tigerclaw already has royal blood. What actually ends up happening is Bluestar appoints Redtail, Thrushpelt and Rosetail's son. The cats who believed all along that the three of them were all together romantically take this as vindication.
Also Fire is unaware but his announcement at the first gathering caused a LOT of curiosity. Bluestar hadn't chosen him to come so the other Stars, Deputies, Advisors, and Clerics didn't get a face to go with the name, but ever since there have been many times they've peered over into Thunderclan's borders in the hope of catching a glimpse and searching for signs.
Firepaw learns about clan life and adjusts well, until he finds a crotchety cat he recognizes as Shadowclan's Seer (a Cleric with an exceptional talent, usually something supernatural like Jayfeather's dream-walking and in this case Yellowfang's ability to sense others' pain). He feeds her, and is goaded into taking a bite himself as per canon. Yellow recognizes the fire in him as that of Prophecy and claims sanctuary in Thunderclan without explaining anything else, much to the leadership's annoyance bc they think she is trying to steal Firepaw.
The next gathering Brokestar announces an exile that killed kits, and there's a huge argument about whether Yellow is the exile because she refuses to speak on the matter, saying Shadowclan's internal matters are up to the paws of Starclan and she will not act without a sign. Bluestar and Spottedleaf take the side of the gods-chosen Seer over the shady Brokenstar, tho the rest of the clan except Firepaw is especially wary with Brindleface just having given birth to Whitestorm's kits.
The next gathering, they learn Windclan has been driven out by Shadowclan. They are threatened with the same fate if they do not give tribute to SC. This cements Broken's role as the Bad Guy in TCs eyes, but some still think Yellow is working with him.
Around this time Ravenpaw comes out with the truth to Fire and Grey - he saw Tigerclaw start the rockslide that killed Whitestorm and Oakheart. He doesn't know for sure if it was on purpose, but Tiger sure didn't seem upset about the death but WAS upset Redtail was chosen over him. He fears he's next.
The next gathering comes, and Riverclan and Thunderclan refuse to give tribute. Shortly after, Spottedleaf is murdered and kits are stolen. After that things go as in canon, with the added outrage of Royal kits being taken, and the fact that Brokenstar got his extra lives from the Dark Forest (not nine, bc DF isn't as powerful as Starclan. maybe four? Let's go with four lives). Turns out one of a cleric's powers is to "exorcise" the power of the DF - so when Yellowfang rakes her claws across Brokenstar and kills him, all four lives are ripped from him.
Yellowfang becomes TC's Seer, Ravenpaw escaped to Barley's, Fireheart + Greystripe + Sandstorm (who took down Clawface herself in the raging grief for her beloved auntie) become warriors, Raggedstar's brother Scorchwind steps up as a Star, and everyone agrees they'd better go find Windclan to apologize and bring them home.
They send Fireheart from TC, Darkflower from SC, and Stonefur from RC.
when i saw the alitm spoilers i thought âtheres no way anything could happen in the warriors fandom to beat this drama for at least a monthâ and then five days later frecklewish went to hell
Have you heard the good word about the Pembrokeshire walrus yet?
This walrus is fucken lost.
But Wales has lost its collective shit about it. Theyâre generally keeping its location secret to keep people away, but we get updates every day if itâs still here, if itâs happy, if itâs healthy. We think it was in Ireland about two weeks ago, which is interesting, because it is not actually native to Ireland either. Why is it here? No one knows.
Today on English People RUIN Everything, a bunch of English tourists from Essex and Leeds broke covid-19 regulations and travelled to Tenby over Easter to try and see Wally (so named after Whereâs Wally) and crowded him with jet skis and surfboards and stuff, so heâs not been seen since Monday. We donât know yet if heâs moved to a secluded spot again, or left Wales entirely.
But, you know, I doubt we were going to have Wally for much longer anyway, since they need to head back home again at some point. Godspeed, Wally. May your fish be ever plentiful.
The English went back home and Wally came back to Tenby! We stan a true Welsh icon, folks.
Some facts about Wally:
She is named after Whereâs Wally because she is hard to spot
She was previously in Ireland, and then secluded beaches in Pembrokeshire, but has really taken a shine to Tenby, which is a delightful village
She has a scar on one flipper but itâs long-healed and doesnât seem to bother her
She is the southern-most walrus ever spotted in the wild!
The current theory as to how she got here is that she fell asleep on an ice floe that drifted south, but sheâs not bothered about returning yet
Sheâs believed to be two years old
Her gender is still a bit of a mystery but we seem to be leaning female
This story on Wales Online claims sheâs believed to be male, but then uses female pronouns. It also features a video of some Welsh people chatting about Wally, including a child whose first language is very clearly Welsh and by the end of his part is struggling to think of things to say about the walrus in English.
The Western Telegraph has opted for male pronouns, and is being very firm that Wally is male, although other news outlets are still all over the place. But what has Wally been up to the past few days?
He is rapidly gaining weight, and is still giving no cause for concern to either of the organisations watching him (which are the RSPCA a bit and Welsh Marine Life Rescue a lot; this is funny though because a walrus is so far outside of the wheelhouse of either of those organisations like weâre all just guessing here, lads)
His delinquent ways have continued - he has now attempted to climb onto multiple buoys (all unsuccessfully) and at one point nearly got a mooring rope stuck around his neck.Â
Has he learned from this?
FOLKS HE HAS NOT!
He is now a Fashion Icon. He has surfaced multiple times wearing accessories in his moustache. Mostly this has been shells, but three days ago he upped his fashion game by wearing this starfish:
What an Icon.
The photographer of this picture, one Amy Compton who has been Wallyâs official photographer since the start, has been making these delightful Wally masks (inset). They sell for ÂŁ5, of which ÂŁ1 goes to Welsh Marine Life Rescue. If you would like your own Wally mask, contact her here!
My mother came for a visit today and we checked and Tenby is an hour away from me, so we went for a Lovely Day Trip to Find a Walrus.
Friends, I took the shittest photo there has ever been of a Walrus. But I absolutely did get to see em.
A lifeboat wandered by to check em out at one point, and ey just⌠sank. Just dropped below the surface like Homer Simpson moving backwards into a hedge. After a while the boat left, and Wally surfaced again.
I can now confirm that ey really, really likes blowing water around like a whale, and also kept eyeing up that buoy next to em.
Also, I had entirely forgotten how comically beautiful Tenby is, but thatâs an aside
Itâs only a little one, but apparently weâre getting Serious about this walrus, lads - the police are now stepping in to say that anyone interfering with Wally (examples of this interference to date: throwing things at him, taking boats and paddle boards out to him, throwing fish overboard to tempt him closer, etc) is committing a criminal offence and we must send evidence of Assholes to them. So thatâs fun!
Meanwhile, the tense stand-off between the RNLI and Wally continues over Who Gets To Use The Lifeboat Slipway. Here is a picture of Wally in full delinquent mode.
Here is the problem with 2,500 lbs of predatory sea potato using the slipway of a lifeboat station as a spa bed: sometimes, canoeists get in trouble near Stackpole and need rescuing and then some underwhelmed Welsh coast guard is going to have to try to chase said predatory sea potato off the slipway so they can launch the boat.
Here is the problem with that scenario: an underwhelmed Welsh coast guard basically views 2,500 lbs of predatory sea potato as a sort of ornery gelatinous cow, and so will try to do this with, and I am not making this up, a broom. But a ton of overgrown seal has no fear of brooms, so the attempt is not entirely successful under time-sensitive conditions while canoeists are actively drowning 10 miles away.
Solution? An air horn.
Which did work long enough to get the boat out, and then Wally clambered back aboard barely minutes later and fell asleep again. So trick learned, I guess.
Anyway, since Iâve apparently become Tumblrâs primary Wally journalist, I thought Iâd go for a cheeky visit again today so I could report on their condition FIRST HAND (youâre all welcome, I have incredible integrity). Today I tried using a binocular over my phone camera with was extremely stressful and moderately successful - and I have two pieces of NEWS.
Story the First
Two dinghies with divers aboard suddenly turned up and sailed right up to them. There are Welsh Marine Life Rescue volunteers everywhere, and one woman immediately yelled âYOU ARE TOO CLOSE. MOVE AWAY.â
Everyone on the cliff went silent. The boats went closer.
âYOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW,â yelled the beachmaster. âMOVE AWAY.â
Tumblrs, they did not.
âCAN YOU HEAR ME?â she yelled. âMOVE AWAY.â
At which point, the whole fucken cliff starts joining in, because Welsh people are Like That.
âMove away!â
âLeave âim alone, mun!â
âMove away, butt, what you doing!â
âHeâs the size of an âorse, bois, canât you see âim from here?!â
âBloody move you fucks, youâll scare âim away again!â
(That last one was, I swear, an eighty year old woman.)
The boats, suddenly being yelled at by a whole cliff of Welsh people, sailed away. Later, we followed the beachmaster who was now on a mission, and found her with a couple of community police officers ripping the shit out of the divers. It was very satisfying.
Story the Second
I mentioned my binocular and phone trick. It came in handy. At first it gave me some very satisfying shots for a distance picture on a phone camera:
But, you know, whatever.
But THEN I got this picture:
which I got 0.256778 seconds before that majestic Arctic beast of purest beautiful nature untamed FELL OFF THE SIDE OF THE SLIPWAY LIKE A CAT THAT GOT TOO CLOSE TO A TABLE EDGE
Wally was fine, the seagull to the right was traumatised.
This is not an update as such but my friend Chris who I took with me to get the scoop on Wally on Sunday had a real camera with him, and he has produced a WAY better photo than I did, and I want you all to see Just How Louche a Walrus is capable of looking:
Okay, so this post went from 24,000 notes to 40,000 overnight, and I am getting a lot of important scientific queries about Wally! So I shall call upon my expertise as a skilled journalist of huge integrity and also a genuine, actual lecturer in environmental science to answer them all as best I can. I shall also use pictures.
1. When did this happen?
I have included many links in this thread to news articles on Wally, each of which is dated, so you can check those for accurate dates; but, xe turned up in Ireland in March 2021, and then made hir way to Pembrokeshire, Wales end of March. Xe reached Tenby a week or so later in April, and now refuses to leave. As of this update (6th May, 2021) xeâs still there and chillinâ - my friend Chrisâ louche photo there was taken on Sunday the 2nd May.Â
I shall date all updates from now on. Apologies for this uncharacteristic lapse in my journalistic performance. I have let Wally down.
2. âOh my god do you guys call Waldo Wally?!??â
Folks!! Folks so many of you are doing this!!! But hereâs the thing!!!
Whereâs Wally is a British series and thatâs the original name!!! It has been translated and regionalised around the world, and the name was changed in 28 of them!! A sizeable number donât even sound like âWallyâ!!! In France heâs Charlie! In Lithuania heâs Jonas! In Arabic versions heâs Fuá¸ĹŤlÄŤ!!!
Yet only one nationality is repeatedly reacting with astonishment while assuming theirs is the one true original version!!! Guess which one!!! You have to stop!!! Especially the few who have responded with out and out swearing and aggression when Iâve explained!!! THIS POST IS ABOUT A WALRUS!!!!
3. Is Wally okay in Wales? Does xe need to leave/be moved?
Xeâs currently fine - an Arctic walrus can handle water temperatures of up to 15 degrees celsius, which West Wales is certainly currently accommodating. Xe was also distressingly underweight when first spotted fresh off the ice floe, but weâve been monitoring hir health and xeâs roughly doubled hir bodyweight and is very healthy. I asked the fishmonger in Tenby if xeâs affecting the catch and the nice man said no and sold me a lemon sole for my mam. So right now, Wally is doing great, all needs met, with no real clashes with other stakeholders (i.e. fishers and that) except for, you know, the one (i.e. the lifeboat people).
However, high summer in Wales is warm enough that the sea will top the temperature threshold. So, weâre expecting Wally to leave by hirself in a month or so, if xe doesnât decide to move sooner. Whether xe decides to swim all the way back home, or xe starts just moving north along the western coast and next turns up in the Isle of Mann or Scotland to continue hir holiday of the Celtic Ring remains to be seen. But, xeâll do it hirself eventually, so itâs down to us to just keep hir happy and healthy for as long as xe chooses to stay.
4. I think Wally is female!
Yeah, maybe
5. I think Wally is male!
Very possibly
6. I think walruses have no concept of gender!
Almost definitely
7. Whatâs Walrus in Welsh?
Theyâre not native, so the Cymricisation âwalrwsâ is getting a lot of use - but, Welsh is nothing if not poetic, so in official literature itâs âmorfarchâ, which means âsea stallionâ or âsea knightâ depending on your dialect.
8. Did they really use a broom and an airhorn on Wally?!
Here is a forlorn coast guard attempting to shift hir with a broom:
And here is the same coastguard attempting to shift hir with an airhorn:
9. I cannot believe this walrus is a delinquent!!!
Very well. Here is Wallyâs criminal case file, including photographic evidence of two boarded boats and hir mugshot:
Update time! Datestamp: 10th May 2021. And as this post is becoming hellishly long, I think itâs probably best if I start using Read Mores after a couple of inches of scroll space. Uh, sorry about the rambling length, folks, I apparently just have a lot to say about a walrus and also many pictures.
Anyway, Wales is weathering a storm at the minute, so the sea is currently pretty rough - turns out, Wally likes staying out at sea during this time because theyâre a sucker for a wave machine, and same, Wally, same, wave machines are banging. What this means is that they arenât about much at the minute, but as the sea calms over the next few days the prediction is that theyâll return to the slipway, climb aboard and then drop spark the fuck out for a few days to rest.
SO, speaking of that SLIPWAY and the CRIMES of this delinquentâŚ
Alright, gang, BRACE YOURSELVES because thereâs a Wally update incoming!
And it may be the last! Or maybe not, it all depends on what Wally decides to do.
Anyway, itâs 26th May 2021, and to tempt you to click the Read More, I offer these two photos of Wally actually being induced to finally fucken move after the underwhelmed Welsh coast guard had the bright idea of spraying him gently with a hose to mimic rain:
Datestamp: 30th May, 2021. Uh, Wally has decided on more shenanigans, starting, I shit you not, with continuing that trip of the Celtic Ring by going even further south to fecking Brittany, in France, and yes! Yes, I did make that joke! I did not expect it to come true!! But here we are!!
In fact, he overshot Brittany and hit the town of Les Sables dâOlonne, a bit further south along the coast. Where, NATURALLY, he promptly found a brand new slipway to terrorise, and a brand new piece of maritime safety infrastructure to block.
French fishermen report that he seems âinterestedâ in their boats, and we all know how that will end.
Except, it seems his crimes are starting to catch up with him. Warning for news of minor walrus injury under the cut (heâs fine, no pictures).
This walrus will not let me rest. Just let me rest, Wally. Let me sleep.
Datestamp: 3rd June, 2021. Youâll all recall that the last we saw of our hefty oceanic bandit, he got hit by a boat while trying to steal it in France, as he so often does. Oh no! we all thought. What if Wally is hurt! We hope he recovers! We hope he learns to leave boats alone, and also turns the fuck around and swims to cooler waters!
Folks, he has learned ZERO LESSONS.
HEâS IN LA ROCHELLE
Quote from the local Gendamerie: âChecked Friday, May 28th by the nautical brigade in the port of La Rochelle, this walrus has been uncooperative.â
HOT OFF THE PRESS (I am a journalist of superlative integrity, it is often said)
Datestamp 5th June 2021, and heâs in Spain. Heâs in Spain. Heâs headed for fucken Galicia after all, lads. Heâs heading south. Given that my every joking prediction has so far come true, Iâm terrified to make the obvious joke that heâs heading for Patagonia. GO TO SCOTLAND, WALLY. GO TO FECKING SCOTLAND.
Anyway, hereâs a clip of him in Bilbao, northern Spain, and also, thereâs some extra news: after months of back-and-forth and guesswork, we do now have concrete evidence of Wallyâs sex, including photographs. NSFW pics under the cut.
Captainâs log, star date 14th June 2021, and heâs in Santander. No, not the bank. The Spanish city, capitol of Cantabria, which is interesting given that Cantabria IS A CELTIC NAME, so the journey continues. Asturias and Gallicia beckon.
Here is a picture of him having climbed aboard yet another boat.
And this article has a link to a video of him boarding a pier back in La Rochelle, to the bemusement of some French fishermen (side note, it is very endearing that the Western Telegraph, a Pembrokeshire newspaper, is still closely following Wallyâs adventures).
WILL HE GO BACK NORTH?!? Well, letâs see how he feels once heâs done Galicia.
Anyway, folks I have MIXED news. The good news is, after spending a worrying month heading closer and closer to the equator and then vanishing for two weeks, our fave oceanic chongus has finally, mercifully, turned the fuck around! Heâs coming back home apparently, and has turned up in the Isles of Scilly, a small chain of islands off the toe of Cornwall. Hopefully, heâll take a week there to feed and rest and then continue his journey north. We may yet see him make landfall in Scotland.
6th July 2021, and I shit you not, WALLY IS NOW OUTLAWED IN THE ISLES OF SCILLY.
Well, his crimes were always going to catch up with him eventually.
Heâs now sunk multiple boats, and England is a very different place to Wales, so theyâre trying to evict him. âHe may prevent emergency response vessels from being immediately operational,â say British Divers Marine Life Rescue, as though he hasnât already done this repeatedly in Tenby and the solution hasnât been found to be an airhorn and a garden hose (the results of hardworking Welsh scientists are oft-ignored). In any case, The Walrus Must Go.
I donât think healthy people every really get chronic illness.
I have a friend I know from when we were both 6. She is the only person living nearby and so she saw me go from walking through limping to wheelchair on a daily basis. I keep her updated on my health even tho we rarely hang out anymore.
She was gonna come over yesterday and I had to cancel. She asked if I canât hang out later that day. When I said i wonât feel better later, that if I feel that bad in the morning later will only get worse she got annoyed and âjokedâ that Iâm just finding excuses. And I was surprised, she knows all about me being disabled after all? So, a bit taken aback, I told her itâs a normal thing for me.
âBut you got the diagnosis now, arenât you better?? I thought youâll get better nowâ
She was honestly surprised and it made me realize a thing. They donât get it. They donât get that getting diagnosed only equals benefits like welfare or parking spot for us, and sometimes better pain meds but that is just like pushing luck. That itâs a forever thing. That that one day we felt good a week ago was just a bright spot and doesnât mean we wonât need our aids anymore, cause chronic illness is not linear and will make a great comeback in next four hours, and the next good day is planned on when weâre 70.
Cause when abled people are sick, they get better. And our illness is just an excuse for them. And when we say we will never get better they think weâre being dramatic and pessimistic.
And I donât think theyâll ever get it, cause to get it you need to live it.
And I want my friends to stay healthy and not go through hell.
I routinely have people well aware of my disabilities/chronic illness congratulate me on how I âseem to be doing so much better these days!â on a good pain/energy day and then basically try to stage an intervention a week later on a bad one. âYou seem to be on a decline lately, Iâm just concerned youâre not taking care of yourself!â And then a week later on a good day again congratulate me on how I really seem to have improved and must be making a real effort to keep on top of my health, with no irony or self-awareness whatsoever.
The narrative of âgetting betterâ is so ingrained that healthy abled people will ignore massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to apply it where it makes absolutely no sense.
And this belief in âgetting betterâ is actively harmful because thatâs how we get shitty things like people having their benefits âreviewedâ and taken away because itâs been ten years and theyâre not going to the doctor âenough.â They donât need to get constant treatment after they know what they have, but that doesnât mean theyâre magically cured or just ânot tryingâ!!! It means theyâre ill, theyâre always going to be ill, and going to the doctor every week isnât going to change that (not to mention itâs expensive af)!
I see this in my job much more frequently than I should (we help people fight benefit denials and occasionally get back benefits after these âreviewsâ). Sometimes itâs justified - the person went back to work - but more often, itâs not, itâs just that some worker somewhere decided that this person or that person should be all better by now, and thatâs just not how chronic illness works, so ending this idea that chronically ill people will just get better would help put a stop to shit like that.
They cannot comprehend that we do not control our health. In their world, when people are sick itâs because they caught it from someone else, and if you stay sick itâs your fault for not taking care of yourself. They cannot fathom a  world where you canÂ
do everything right and still be sick.Â
âdonât let your disability define you! Fight! INspirEd! Taking back my life from Cancer!â This narrative is everywhere in Able culture. If you JUST tried harder youâd get better. THAT is what they live and believe.
Therefore to them if we are âstillâ sick or âSick Againâ itâs because WE did something wrong. They canât comprehend a world where you canât Earn health as a reward for performing purity, kale and yoga.
so hereâs the problem. I once yelled because I saw a centipede and my boyfriend commentated âa friend!â and when I said âno!â he added âand maybe....... a lover..â the problem is. now this has become standard procedure for referring to centipedes. so now I get messages like:
getting an archaeology degree did not make me smarter but it did take me from âlmao isnât it funny some people think the pyramids were built by aliensâ to âi will put venomous snakes in your washing machine if you so much as lightly suggest the pyramids were built by aliensâ
i think it is good to warn people in advance about the circumstances that will cause you to bite them and i think that having given that warning it is good to follow through when the time comes
The RNA vaccines approved for COVID-19 in the US both need to be distributed at extremely low temperatures. Like 40F lower than any other mass-distributed medicine.
It turns out the Dippin Dots company runs the only nationwide supply chain thatâs ever operated at those temperatures. So all these big serious health orgs are consulting the expertise of, and even exploring renting equipment from, The Ice Cream of the Futureâ˘ď¸.
One time in college someone asked me which Robin I would be and I thought about it for a minute and said "Tim, because if I went on a eurotrip and came back with a previously-dead family member, two cults of assassins as sworn enemies, a stab wound, and a missing spleen, I don't think any of my friends would be overly surprised, really."
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