My detailed plan for a Dracula adaptation that doesn’t inevitably disappoint people:
I get the movie greenlit. The budget is a billion dollars. Everyone wants to know why. That feels excessive.
The trailer comes out. It’s obscene. Explosions. Out of place sex scenes. Someone’s hanging off the side of a train at one point. Also the train is on fire. Quincey lassos Dracula at one point. Wait, there’s a cowboy in Dracula? Gun fights. Dracula with a glock. Those didn’t exist back then. Blood everywhere. Whatever other shit needs to be there to bait people into seeing the movie.
People see the movie out of morbid curiosity. This is the theatre exclusive run. They come in and sit down. The lights dim.
Then they brighten again. The doors lock. It was a trap. There was glue on all of the seats. Now they’re all trapped. The trailer was all that was filmed and the entire budget was used.
I come out with a copy of Dracula. No one is allowed to leave until they listen to me read the entire thing. I do this in every cinema in the world. When I’m done, they can leave. No one will believe them.
Bonus when it comes out on streaming: the victims of the cinema run start posting online. Everyone thinks it’s fake but they watch the movie anyway. They can’t help themselves. They press play. I emerge from the floorboards. They’re glued to the nearest surface. I hold them hostage in their own home and they listen to the entire novel. Then I release them.
Over eight billion people on earth. When I’m done, there will be no one left to claim Dracula is romantically involved with Mina. It’s foolproof.
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