TRUE FACTS ABOUT PINEAPPLES
Today I went to the gym, cleaned my entire apartment, did all my laundry, changed my sheets, shaved the sides of my head, scrubbed my floors, answered all my emails, and did a series of figure studies in addition to running several errands around my neighbourhood. The thing I'm most proud of, however, is the fact that I ate an entire pineapple (the Xenomorph of fruits) without once letting its horrific flesh-melting acids come into contact with the skin around my mouth.
TRUE FACTS ABOUT PINEAPPLES:
Pineapple pickers often lose their fingerprints following extended periods (months, years) of handling the fruit, so corrosive is the hatred contained within them. That hatred comes in the form of something called Bromelain, an enzyme that digests proteins. Like human flesh. The pineapples seethe with a quiet loathing of all things living - a loathing that produces delicious fruit sugars, mixing well with fine rum cocktails.
Pineapples were rare and exorbitantly expensive in 18th century England, and therefore became all the rage to show off at parties. A sound business was made of renting out pineapples to individuals who would tote them about for an evening of gaiety in order to flaunt their wealth to their douchebag friends and quell their raging insecurities about their worth as a person.
Pineapples are widely known to improve the taste of semen, which is a neat trick to impress your friends with the next time they're throwing back shots of semen at parties.
Pineapples were invented in Hawaii by a woman known only as JuJu the Elder, a shadowy and mysterious figure residing in a ramshackle hut near an active volcano. Little is understood of the pineapple’s dark origins apart from the fact that it was spliced together, Frankenstein-like, from a witches' brew of candy, sunshine and the lamentations of widows. The fruit was then promptly given the name of Peléenamponoponoholualuamuakaka in honour of Pelé, the Goddess of Melting Your Fucking Face Off While You Claw Ribbons Of Flesh From Your Cheeks In Agony, Tears Salting Your Wounds.
‘Pineapple’ is the bastardized Western form of this name, and is considered offensive to many indigenous peoples who hold sacred the fruit and its flesh-melting qualities.
Pineapples have been documented to come alive in the dark, when nobody is looking, and slither about short distances ensnaring small, warm-blooded prey in their hairy tentacles.
I once ate three pineapples in the span of 24 hours - the last while gnawing, hyena-like, on its eviscerated husk whilst hunched over a sink at 1am. Over the next few days, the skin around my mouth and chin sloughed off, scabbed, and left me looking like meth-addled AIDS patient with outrageous mouth herpes. This taught me to fear and respect the pineapple.
I plan to eat another one tomorrow.
janainaart
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