Sadness in the Mundane

Life & Sadness according to me

[latina4rmbx]

Annotations

Hey y’all! Today’s post is brought to you by (drum roll please…..) Dan Brown.

No, the great Author Dan Brown is not sponsoring me. I’m not known well enough for such extravagances. I just mean his work is what got me in the mood to dust this app off and write.

In all my reading years I have never really wanted to annotate a book. Odd, since in another life I did attend college. Is that what we do? Annotate to comprehend? Well, never in all my years as a reader have I really wanted to annotate a book.

Me? Deface a book? It has never really been my thing. I feel like books, all books, are sacred. They should be taken in, thought through thoroughly & then placed on a shelf…either for bragging rights (think 1st edition Dickens) or for future reconsumption (to be read over and over).

I am on chapter 14 of The Secret of Secrets and I feel like I need to restart my reading again but this time with sticky notes & a highlighter. See, here the thing about Dan Brown books, he packs so much history into the pages of his books that I tend to take out my phone & research.

Research? Isn’t that the basis of Critical Thinking?

I digress! Sorry not as aggressively as that looks.

For example: I have easily read The Da Vinci Code 5+ times. Because I’m curious by nature. I am not a curious questioner, like I am not a reporter. I won’t ask all the hard hitting questions but when something piques my interest, I dig a little deeper.

Back to The Da Vinci Code, uh…if you haven’t read the book maybe you shouldn’t continue. SPOILERS ahead!

The Da Vinci Code makes you see things in a whole new light. Do you think there are direct descendants of Jesus Christ? Let me clarify for you, since you may be thinking it’s someone you know from High School. Do you think or have you ever considered that there are direct descendants, a bloodline, with the literal blood of Christ walking the earth?

I know that sounds blasphemous. It feels wrong to even think it let alone write it down but here’s where MY critical thinking comes in to play…

Jesus was born. Which implies he was a humans person born of a woman. Simple, yes? Did you ever consider that because he was born AND born of a humans person, a woman, he was also human? A human man with human man thoughts and a human man heart and a human man flesh with human man needs?

Blasphemous, I know but also, kinda makes sense, right?

So if he was a humans person in flesh with certain needs although they can be ignored but they also could be considered. Jesus may have had sex. There is a reason why people say Mary Magdeline MAY have been Jesus’s wife.

Let me backtrack a bit…The Da Vinci Code, in its essence has one thread - The Holy Grail. DN actually goes into the Latin term for Holy Grail - Sangreal but then he splits the word into Sang Real and that is to mean Royal Blood. I know I know he could’ve made it up. He IS an accomplished author and words are his thing but it also leads me to wonder AND question everything I’ve been taught. Isn’t that the basis of Critical Thinking too?

So in the book the protagonist Robert Langdon is thrust in a quest to find the Holy Grail. Dan Brown makes it a point to remind readers, there are about 13 years of Jesus’s life we don’t know about because it isn’t written in the Christian Bible.

What if that’s the beginning the Bloodline of Jesus?

Let me make this a little more palpable for some people, let’s nix the entire Jesus had sex thing…Jesus wasn’t an only child. His mother bore other children. His mother, who shares 1/2 of Jesus’s DNA had another child, a man, whose DNA is also his. That’s a direct tie and correlation to Jesus and the fact that there CAN be a bloodline out there.

I wanted to touch on what Dan Brown wrote about the Knights Templar’s gaining status and power seemingly overnight. The fact that they MAY have guarded the Holy Grail, the cup that held the blood of Jesus. Or the woman carrying the child of the messiah.

Either way you look at it, this is a work of fiction with a sprinkling of true historical facts. Things I like to look up. Songs and paintings and great men (& women) of ALL the sciences.

So being on Chapter 14 of The Secret of Secrets I need to start again. This time, annotate the names of the laboratories. Learn what Noetic Sciences are. Listen to the song, in its entirety, that’s rings from his cellphone.

The Secret of Secrets may be the first book I truly take note in. Which begs me the question: do I have the rest of the Robert Langdon series on hard copy?

I’ve read the entire Robert Langdon series up until this point. Maybe I will begin the series anew, after completing this one, and making the proper annotations I should’ve done in the first place.

I have friends who read. I’m going to ask them if they annotate and if they do, why? I don’t think there’s a wrong way, but I do know there is always a way to do the right way wrong. If that makes sense.

Anywho, hugs & kisses. I hope to start writing again but who knows? I’m consistently inconsistent that way.

Thanks for reading

XOXO

[latina4rmbx]

Left or Right

I bet you're thinking this may be a political rant and although it could be seen as such, I'm not necessarily political in my world views. I respect everyone's rights accept when those rights hurt the helpless. You'll kinda see what I mean, I hope.

There is a quote that reads: The greatest trick the devil (Capital D, but I won't give it that much power) ever pulled was convincing the world (capital W) he didn't exist.

The first time I heard that quote was in the movie "The Usual Suspects." Another movie when one of the stars is persona non grata, so their names won't be mentioned. Kaiser Soze, or the person playing him, is telling the story but he's Verbal Kint in the telling.

As the days grow shorter the quote really sticks with me. I'll rewrite it for OOMPH

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

First off, i thought the characters name was Virgil, so to look it up and it be Verbal, makes a lot of sense. Nothing is ever done in a vacuum and I say this often and oftentimes I get tired of hearing it myself, but it's all a cycle. It's just that this time it's a cycle of the greatest con.

With the elections coming up this week there have been a lot of politik conversations within the inner sanctum. This is what I will say, I will respect your decision to vote however your conscious and your views allow you to. I won't hold anyones political views against them. I will inquire as to why choose A, B, C or D. It's more an understanding. My. understanding of the human psyche, namely, the person I'm speaking to.

Here's the thing, some people who read this won't like it and I'm ok with that, but I have some very dear loved ones who are both sides of the aisle. Their political views don't change what I feel about them. That's who they believe in.

The unfortunate circumstance is this: The majority will pay for what the minority chooses. Let me clarify because I'm not speaking POC. The populus will pay for what those "in power" (the minority) chooses.

I will say this, I have a ton of well informed, even if misinformed, people in my life. We need to see things as if from the ether.

Here's my opinion, clear and concise. If the mudslinging is true, we're choosing the lesser or two evils. THAT is a sad state of affairs.

I ask you to bare in mind, you can be on the right side of history. Unfortunately, it's a little late for that part. Vote on Tuesday. Do your duty as a citizen of the US. Just be advised that you really should be voting in ALL elections, not just the "major" ones.

When you think of the quote in the context of my writing it may not make sense at first and that's fine. Shit, it may not make sense to you ever. I want you to look at it and realize that there is a swindle happening right in front of our eyes.

This brings me to another point...There are things being said, back to the mudslinging, that are demeaning and disgusting. Here's where the wool gets pulled over your eyes. A real feeling gets revealed in a joke. Not THE joke, but we can use that as an example. People have been playing in our faces for a very long time and we're still not awake enough to realize it.

People have been telling us how they feel about us for a long time now. The words may say they love us, but like the saying goes: Talk is cheap. What are the actions telling you?

That's all for now folks. It seems that I need to start typing as soon as things get in my brain to make sense, and for me to get my point across. Unfortunately, today is not that day lol

XOXO

Thanks for reading

[latina4rmbx]

The Butterfly Effect

This post IS about the movie. One of the stars in the movie is persona non grata, but I can't help that he was in the movie that I want to discuss and maybe dissect a bit.

The Butterfly Effect Movie (disclaimer, there are spoilers LOL). The movie came out in 2004 so I apologize if it's too soon.

AK plays a kid who passes out and when he wakes up he's somewhere else. According to IMDB (I will post the summary below) this is what the movie is about:

As a child, Evan Treborn was afflicted with blackouts where he would be in one place one minute and then another the next, remembering absolutely nothing in-between. Now all grown up and in college, he decides to read from an old journal he wrote to remember stuff that might have happened in the in-between, and suddenly finds himself back at a certain point in his life. He realizes that those blackouts he had were actually empty spaces of time he had to fill up later in life. Attempting to use this ability to undo unpleasant past events, Evan starts to find that every time he goes back and tries to fix things, he ends up making everything worse. How can he prevent more tragedies from happening and save the one girl he ever loved, Kayleigh 

Here's where it gets fun (and essentially on par to things I've posted in the past), in the beginning of the movie, there's a blurb that explains what the "Butterfly Effect" is. Now, I don't know how real it in, as in the example the blurb uses, but I do believe in it.

Butterfly Effect Definition: The idea that something small, like getting coffee, can have much larger effects, such as altering your career is called the butterfly effect. The butterfly effect rests on the notion that the world is deeply interconnected, such that one small occurrence can influence a much larger complex system.

The example used in the movie is this: The flutters of a butterfly can cause a Typhon in Japan. This is actually the example they generally use. Hence the name The BUTTERFLY Effect. The most amazing part of this example and the definition is that there are actual examples of the butterfly effect.

The Buttefly Effect is an example of Chaos Theory. Which actually feeds into MY theory.

What is Chaos Theory? i'm trying to paste the definition but this shit isn't working so I have to type it out because it's relevant. The branch of mathematics (and science) that deals with complex systems whose behavior is highly sensitive to slight changes in conditions, so that small alterations can give rise to strikingly great consequence

My question for you, dear reader, is this...Does this sound a familiar?

I don't know why I'm obsessed with alternate universes (is it coming back to you?) but I am and I know these things I write from time to time are just the rantings of a HS Graduate but they definitely make me wonder.

I'm going to go out on the limb and say because my life was NOT an easy one and I've lived in my head for a very long time that fantasy becoming reality was all I really knew. I have a fairly interesting imagination, but like me, it is lazy. Lazy in the sense that as I've evolved into me, today, I've let go a lot of that part of me that imagined greater. Here's where the fun part comes in, it's not because I can't see it happening but because I can.

I see a future that a couple of years ago wouldn't have thought possible and definitely would have never attempted to imagine my life today. I was in too much pain and I couldn't see myself. I carry my grief like a backpack, never putting it down. Never stopping to rest. Always just stuffing more and more into it because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. Carry the burden. Never really realizing that I had people, I have ALWAYS had people to help me lift the heavy load.

Not sure if I'm veering off topic here, but let a lady cook for a moment. Chaos Theory and the Butterfly Effect dictates that if you tell a child you love them and they're the most amazing humans on the planet day in and day out for the entirety of their childhoods, they will believe that they are the most amazing humans.

Unfortunately, that is not the life I've lived. It's not how I was raised nor taught to think. I always thought me putting myself in the backgroud of other's peoples happiness made me a good human when in actuality it was a trauma response.

Are you connecting the dots yet?

Back to Evan...Evan was trying to save Kayleigh from the horrors of her life because he loved her and only wanted her ever since he was like 13 years old. Evan would pass out and when he'd come to he'd be in what looks to be an alternate universe. There was what I believe the original one where she was abused. The original one lol. That's funny because as I'm trying to think back (maybe I should've watched the movie before writing this) the movie doesn't really state which life is the "original" one.

Being abused as a child does something to you. In one of Evans "returns" because he's in college, she's a heavy drug user. Is that the original life? That would make sense right? Well Evan tries to go back in time and fix it back then to make her whole in the future, but in doing so he's messing up so many other things.

I want you to think of the person you admire the most and why. It can be anybody, anywhere and any age. Then I want you to imagine they never existed in your life. What would your life have been if that person wasn't born, or that baby wasn't yours or that speaker wasn't the inspiration? It's a sad thought to say the least.

If you're a faithful reader, and I know maybe 3 of you are, then you've seen where I speak about my upbringing and how my life should've been in comparison to what it is. I've also explained it in terms of Marvel, Multiverses...What if these are just other examples of The Butterfly Effect?

I can try to nerd out and go in to detail about Marvel movies (because I do not read the comics) and shows and how they actually mimic the life and times we are living. How Spiderman is my favorite of all of the superheros, but anything Marvel puts out I'm down to watch. I actually wish I could and maybe one of the three that actually read my stuff can, because he's such a comic book fan and I'm talking all of them. DC too (insert eye roll here).

Since I'm not on that type of time, I will just continue to compare my life to fantasy.

How the choices we've made when we were children and didn't know better altered our futures for the better or the worse. How the course of someone else's life colliding with your own can change in an instant. Think of love and the act of falling in it.

I'm trying to be as forthcoming with what I write without revealing any others personal business so I'll say this...I had a conversation with an ex today. Yes, I still TALK to some ex's. I know it's weird because in spanish we have a say that goes: Adonde hay cenizas es porque hubo fuego. Which literally translates to: Where there are ashes is because there was fire. It's comparable to Where there's smoke there's fire? Most people have heard that one.

Some flames have been extinguished a very long time ago and some are smoldering, but they're wet. That means, they won't catch and they WILL burn out.

Anywho, back to this ex...We haven't had a heart to heart since right after we broke up. I mean, we have chatted now and then, but I tend to not get emotional with him because I don't see the point. Here's the problem, I come off as very standoffish and he said I "bullied" him the last time I was in NY. He wanted to see me and he didn't like my response. I PROMISE there's a point somewhere...I apologized because it wasn't my intention to "bully" him (read: hurt his feelings). I'm accountable, for the most part.

So I had to clarify how I was in love with him but alas it was not going to work because while I was in love with HIM he loved the things I did for him. Does that make sense to anyone?

You know me, I go to the comments and type things verbatim. BRB

OMG, I think my mom reads this, but this is real life and it is stated that you have to remove your ego when you write, so here we go...

Me: Maybe it started off that way but I don't think so. Whatever you may think about me or our time: I truly loved you & although I knew it was going to happen, I was heart broken to leave. Him: Were you? Me: Then you treated me like shit so I was like ahhh I'll just leave him be. So I let you be brotha. (I don't know why I called him brotha, maybe distance) ME: In response to "Were you?" Yes. You've probably been there. Broken hearted but with someone else. It was rough. Him: You know I loved what we had (see what I mean?!?!?) Me: I put my big girl panties on and handled it. Him: Memories priceless. We did crazy shit. Me: Exactly. You love what we had. Not me. When I finally realized THAT the spell was broken. Him: I've been with many but with you...Loved it Me: You will always have a place in my heart. Always. Him: I loved you too. Trust. Me: There's no reason to say anything just to make me feel better. We're good. Him: I'm texting from the heart. You match my crazy Me: There are so many different kinds of love. Someone once told me that and I didn't believe them. I started seeing it a while ago.

The fucked up part...After this exchange I thought...what if I never met him? What if I never kept the conversation going on on line? What if I never gave him my number? I had lived 40-something years not in his life, nor him in mine, up to that point and I was fine.

Here's where the split happens. When I say split I'm referring to the multiverse aspect of life. There is a universe where I never met him (even if I met him as a teenager). There is a universe where he and I never got together. There is a universe where he and I are married with children. There is a universe where we hate each other. I mean, if you believe in the multiverse aspect of life.

In the scheme of The Butterfly Effect, one little message. One little word. One little outting, changed OUR lives forever. At least in this universe. One LITTLE, what seems inconsequential, thing altered the course of our lives in a big way. Mind you, when I speak about altering anything I don't mean physical. Spiritual or Mental or Cosmical, you know?

We altered each other's chemistry. To think about it, the day before I barely knew who he was.

THAT is a crazy thing to even ponder. There once was a time that I didn't know you. Now that I do, you are my everything, or some cheesy shit like that. I'm sure I've said something along those lines before...and meant it. One kiss, leads to a roll in the hay (LOL) that leads to a date (it doesn't even have to be in the order I'm laying out in), which leads to sleep overs and holding hands and gazing into each others eyes to saying I love you to getting engaged and to getting married. All of that happens in the blink of an eye, if you can believe that.

I mean, there are several blinks, but ONE is all it takes. That one whooshing of your lashes causes a tsunami of emotions in your heart, mind, body and soul. THAT is The Butterfly Effect.

XOXO

Thanks for reading.

[latina4rmbx]

Acts of Service - A Love Language

We all know these love language thingies right? If you don't, go back about a year and you'll find a post on them.

I would like to dedicate this post to Acts of Service.

Please note that some of these love languages cross over. An act of service can feel like a gift or seem like words of affirmation. I hope I explain it correctly.

So Acts of Service is literally doing something for your partner. Here's the kicker, the act has to not be a request. A good portion of these love languages are supposed to be inherent or essentially what you would hope your partner is willing and able to give.

Acts of Service, to me, is my love language. It's how I SHOW my love language. Unfortunately, this may not be my partners love language and I am trying to retrain my brain to understand that my partners love language is the one I should speak.

A simple act of service could be making coffee in the morning. Turning on someone's alarm when you notice that they didn't. It will alleviate a "chore" off of their backs and give them time back, if that makes sense.

Essentially someone whos love language is acts of service, they're essentially saying I want you to know what I need and give it to me. This is probably the most difficult love language because anticipating or trying to figure out what your partner needs/wants can be tricky.

For example: Today I'm obsessed with Greek Yogurt. Tomorrow just thinking about Greek Yogurt will make me nauseated.

I use the example of the Greek Yogurt because it also can be considered a GIFT. Something you want(ed) but didn't have to get yourself. See how I say some of the love languages overlap?

So I may want you to sweep my floor but I don't want to have to tell you I want you to sweep my floor. You understand?

Here's where knowing your partners love language is important. If you aren't a sweep the floor type of person, that is not an act you would ever perform.

Fix the bed when you get out of it. That's an act of service. Replacing a toilet paper roll can be considered an act of service. It may also depend on the person. Maybe they want a grander gesture as an act of service.

Whatever your Love Language, I hope you have a partner who speaks it.

Thanks for reading

XOXO

[latina4rmbx]

Love is Blind

As I sit and watch the beginning of Season 7 some people are probably questioning the validity of falling for someone behind a wall.

SPOILER - there will be no spoilers in this post!

Do you think you'd be able to fall in love with someone sight unseen? Mind you, I grew up before the internet. I was like maybe 20 when I used to abuse Limewire and utilized AOL and got "The Facebook."

The reason I bought up those old ass accounts is because back then there was no such thing as webcams. I mean, there were webcams, but we didn't carry them around in our pockets and it took 3 minutes for the dial up to work and the phone bills were astronomical.

Therefore, we would meet people in chat rooms and eventually, a would say a good portion of us "fell in love," with someone sight unseen.

As ridiculous as that may sound, if the words you need to hear are said in the way you need to hear them, your defenses drop and your emotions heighten. So YES, it is possible to fall in love with someone without ever seeing them. At least according to how my generation (and those before me) was brought up.

I would say it's a little odd that the age for the show is like to 32 or something like that. However, I do understand that the generations that came after mine are a little more superficial than those prior.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some eye candy. There's nothing wrong with that, however some would say what has eye candy gotten me?

I would tend to agree. Eye candy hasn't do me too well in my real life other than teach me lessons I obviously needed to learn.

Mind you eye candy is different for everyone. There's a lid for every pot. What I find attractive others may not and vice versa. There's no wrong answer when it comes to attraction.

But your heart will feel what it feels. You will love who you love & it's no ones business, as long as you're feeling it.

I've fallen in love with a person or two sight unseen. On the internet or over the phone however, in truth, meeting face to face is such a difference beast. So I get when an individual says they're just not attracted to the person they've met when they meet face to face.

It really is crazy when you think about it. It's also alarming the situations you might have put yourself in because you feel you "LOVE" this person over the phone LOL.

I truly appreciate growing up where and when I did. I love the life I've lived and the life I live. Although things may have not gone the way I've wanted in the moment, but I also see why they happened.

Life and love is really tricky this way.

Vanessa & Nick Lachey...Love IS Blind. AOL chatrooms answered that about 20 years ago.

[latina4rmbx]

Thank You!

Why is it if someone tells you something negative about yourself, you tend to believe that? Then, when someone says something positive about yourself, you question it?

It probably how you were raised. That's what the therapists says right? It's all Mom's fault. That can be true, but that's not what I'm going to focus on.

My focus is on me and how amazing I am. I am not the type to search for compliments although now that I think about it that may not be true. I'll explain.

I don't THINK I search for them but sometimes things I do may say the opposite. For example: I don't post pictures of myself often on social media however when I do, I try my best to look what I deem is my best. I guess that could be fishing for a compliment. What I won't do (I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass) is delete a picture if I don't get a lot of likes or compliments on it. Maybe it's age. Maybe it's confidence. Maybe it's indifference.

Here's the thing, the people in my life - those who have known me long and those who just met me - really think I'm the bees knees (or the cats pajamas - which ever you prefer). My son says I look like $10 (not today because I look more like 10 cent but that's neither here nor there).

Before, I was very self deprecating. If someone would give me a compliment I'd turn it back handed...MYSELF. Stupid example: Someone says "Hey, you're pretty." I'd say "Pretty doofy." Stupid shit like that. I had/have esteem, dysmorphia issues that I have been doing work on.

Now, if someone calls me pretty I thank them. In my mind I'm thinking: Thank you for getting on my level. I am right? Shoooo

Again, that's in my mind. I remain humble and blush and smile, but I know I am ___________ Fill in the Blank. I'm all the ooey gooey things I was meant to be. It's been a journey to realize that I am that. I understand when people say something nice, they mean it without wanting anything in return.

I've noticed and realized that I've had a lot of trauma responses set up as defense mechanisms that might have caused me lash out when I shouldn't have. The take away here is, I'm learning! I recognize the trauma and the triggers and choose to respond differently. That's growth if I've ever seent it!

For those of you who are still here, reading and being part of my Tumblr Life, thank you. Thank you for giving me those few precious minutes/seconds of your life. I'm worth it, even if sometimes the posts aren't.

Love yourself fiercely.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[latina4rmbx]

The Importance of Advocating for Yourself

It would seem that the theme of the week for me is patient advocation. When I say patient doesn't necessarily have to be an outside person, could just be myself.

Below are 3 scenarios

I was speaking to a dear person in my life and she was telling me how she needs this procedure but the medicine for the procedure hasn't been delivered yet so she's at a loss. She informed me she had an appointment with a provider coming up that works in the same facility. I suggested she inform the provider of the medication issue and to say: you may not be able to fix this issue, but I need to know what's the hold up and since you work in the office, you may have some sway on a response (because no one is calling her). I'll be calling her at the end of the week to see what happened.

Was on the phone with someone who stated that they feel their concerns aren't being heard and worried that something may happen. I loved having this conversation because not only where they advocating for themselves, they are vehemently advocating for themselves with made me proud but also sad.

I went to the dentist and they were short staffed (thank goodness) so I was told the Office Manager was going to call me to discuss next steps, financing and set up appointment. The Office Manager called me and during the course of our conversation she informs me my deductible is $1,000. I flipped my lid because according to the website for my dental insurance my deductible is $100. So, me like a smart ass, "correct" her and she's explains (LOL) that the provider is not IN-Network.

So here's where the advocacy comes in to play, especially when it comes to your health. You need to learn to speak up for yourself. Always. If you have a pain or feel you need something or need help, speak up!

In regards to my dental appt, I called my insurance and confirmed that the doctor was infact IN network. According to the Office Manager, the dental office was in network but not the individual provider. I looked on the website and found the provider, found where it stated In network and got to work.

I called the insurance and asked if the provider was in network because I was told he wasn't. She stated the provider was NOT in network. So my response is: The website states it was updated on 07/08/24 (today is 07/09/24) and I'm looking right at the providers name. The Insurance Rep asked me for some information that I could see. I gave it to her and she was like "He IS in network and has been since October 2023."

Now, I say Thank Goodness the Office Manager wasn't in because had she told me that to my face I would've cursed her out and left the office pissed off and close to tears. Since she called me after I was already back to my desk, I was able to pull up the information with no issue.

My insurance Rep was great because she investigated and even tried to call the dental office. The Office Manager was great because she understood my frustration (a difference of $900) and was kind enough to say she's going to check again and call me back.

Had I not known anything about my insurance or the dentist I would've been told I have to pay $1000 and would've figured out what to do and then gotten whatever I needed done.

This is something I hate, especially when it comes to older people advocating for themselves. Bare with me...People try to take advantage because they're older and don't have a good memory and if you make things sound urgent enough you can scare an older person to give you almost any information you ask for. They just take your word that the deductible is $1000 and not realize that it's 10X's less than that.

Please advocate for yourselves. The world is grimey and people are getting more and more desperate. Keep your head on a metaphorical swivel.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[latina4rmbx]

I Can Buy Myself Flowers...

Sometimes I need to figure my shit out. Sometimes I take so long to figure my shit out that it loses it's luster. I've been pondering this post for a bit and it's learned me a few things:

I need to charge my laptop. As I lay in bed, stroke of insight comes to me, but if I pick up my phone, I'm going straight to social media and there goes my insight. At least with my laptop I don't have social media embedded in any of the apps, I think, and I can get what I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes over/underestimate myself and it's to my own detriment

I was in an extreme emotional state yesterday with no real outlet. I had no reason to cry but I felt that ache or that hollow in my chest. I even asked a friend for a sad movie suggestion so I can get it out. I still haven't seen the movie

I know I've said this before, and I guess I will repeat it until I understand, you really don't realize the impact you make/have made on a persons life sometimes. If you're lucky, people will give you your flowers while you're still here

This is a great segue into the whole reason we're here...

Yesterday I posted a Meme that reads: Her: I ordered us new phone cases. The fucking phone cases (if I can add the pic here I will) then I wrote: Me as a GF. Let me just try to post this thing because 1. it was the catalyst and 2. I think it truly sums me up as a GF and 3. It's cute AF. Take in the entire post lol

An ex-boyfriend reaches out to me to make a joke about the phone cases.

His joke: "This was us but I had more ass than you."

In case you were wondering what my response was...this is the lead up to the crux of this AM post. From here on out I'm going to refer to him as Guy. Another person comes into play and I'll call them Man.

Me: But that's a real message I sent to a real man who probably has more ass than I do too 😂 I haven't checked it out enough. We haven't done sexy time yet 😃

Guy: Whaaaaaat (I didn't count the A's but there were quite a few)

Me: Stop it

Guy: This is real?! Not a drill ?!?

A little more chatting about Man

Guy: Ok well he gets you. That's important

Here is where the mood changes. Up to this point we were laughing, well Guy was laughing at my antics (because I be antic-ing)

Me: Well we don't see each other much cuz life be lifin' the shit out of us but it's good lol. Thanks for inquiring about the drills.

Side Note: He speaks to me in voice note after a bit so I'll have to transcribe. I'll do it verbatim but I KNOW I will cry.

Guy: Good speaking to you again. Instead of us, just sending funny videos to each other... Though I like that too.

Me: Thank you for being everything.

Me: I'm really lucky I met you Guy. I hope you know that. Good or bad you always have a special place in my heart

Guy: Can I say: Ditto. One day I'll be able to put into words what our time together has meant and always meant to me

Me: It's not necessary. I appreciate it anyway

Guy: Well I think people need to get their flowers!!!!

See the correlation to the title now?

Me: I do too & life is shorter than we realize.

Here's where his voice notes start. There are only 2 but each is about a min long so it may take some time (& Coffee) to transcribe. I did not respond to him in VN form. As a matter of fact the conversation between him and I's portion will end with my first response, then I'll move on to something else. It'll make sense

VN1: No, I I I mean that in all truthfulness. Uhm, people deserve their flowers cause you never know when somebody's gonna go or somebody saying I'm never going to talk to you ever again. So, No I wanted to always tell you thank you because I wasn't always uhm I dunno. I guess life gives you perspective once you get some distance and time. I'm not trying to speak deep or like philosophical. It's just one of those things where you know. I remember being young. I remember, you know, being infatuated with you and not knowing how to handle that and also not knowing how to handle when I had unfinished business or you know uhm. There were so many things I was learning on the fly. It's like flying a plane and fixing the wing while you're flying it. I should've just landed the plane and learned my lesson.

VN2: But even when I was flying the plane, so to speak, or hanging out with you uhm, I always wanted to thank you. I mean, you know, there were times that, you know, I really made you feel like shit and I'm sorry. And there's times there, you know, where you and I were at odds for whatever reason, and you know. I wasn't always great, you know. I learned a lot from you. I learned about forgiveness, and I learned about, you know, about how to truly love somebody or what to have when you truly love somebody. Or that so much, that that that our multiple interactions have taught me. From the beginning all the way to the last one. And it was so fun in a weird way to have you in my apartment that day when we were saying good bye to T. And that was kinda like uh, if this was a sitcom, and that was the last episode, it'd be a good one.

Me: The one where we said good bye

If you didn't get it, my response is a nod to ye olde show "Friends."

Here's where it gets interesting/sad, I was crying typing that response to Guy. However, I went to the counsel, which is 2 people. 1 who knows him and one who doesn't. I'm going to only share the conversation with the one who doesn't know him because it was sweet, our back and forth. For the sake of consistency they will be dubbed, C1 (LOL - is that consistent?). Ok, ok, Lady. She'll be dubbed Lady. As in, I spoke to the Lady

Me: Listen to this. It's my ex boyfriend & THIS made me cry.

Lady: Awww O

Me: You know how you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone and then you find out you meant everything. This did it for me. Bad timing. But when the timing was right...It was too late. He broke up with his GF and I had broken up with *CENSORED*. We were ripe for the picking but it didn't feel...the same.

Lady: Yes I now the feeling

Lady: At least you now know you meant something big to him

Me: Yeah. It's comforting

Me: I always wondered if I was doing love wrong

That's it. Not the end of the conversation but the point that he was helping me with, without even being aware. I always wondered if I was doing love wrong. Craziness because some people never think of love in terms of something to consider or work on, it's just what they feel or do. But what does that mean? To feel love. What does it mean to DO love? You know.

Lady: I don't think you've ever done love wrong. Just was given to the wrong people at the wrong time because as a friend you are very loveable and you're giving, attentive

Me: Thank you

Me: I had to work on the friendship love too

Lady: No need to thank me for the truth

Me: I know I used to do friendship wrong

Lady: Well I'm glad I get the best of you ❤️❤️

That was literally the end of hers and I's conversation.

In the other conversation I mention feeling validated. I think this is the part that kept me up half the night. Why did I need him or anyone to validate me? Then it clicked, I value his opinion of me. He's one of the very few people who can tell me "O, it's not a good look." He does it with such a pure and true heart. It doesn't hurt when he's putting me in my place. Again, I'm speaking as a friend here, not as a lover. That ship has sailed a long time ago. Two years ago, when we reconnected through mutual heartbreak, solidified it.

We were GREAT as lovers and being in love but we're sooooo much better as champions for each other. We cheer each other one from the sidelines. I guess that's what happens when time and distance give us perspective.

Thank you readers for reading. I truly appreciate you taking any moment out of your day to read through my posts.

I can buy myself flowers...But why would I have to?

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

[latina4rmbx]

The Madonna & The Whore

I feel like I’m being judged for my sexual past. Which is weird because I don’t judge people for their sexual pasts. Actually probably not being judged due to my sexual past but due my positive sexuality. I think that’s the issue. The fact that I’m so open with my sexual past.

It’s weird really. Sort of The Madonna & the Whore. I’m going to assume some don’t know what means so I’m going to do as I always do…To Google!

I’ll be honest it’s not what I thought but it was close. See below:

In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–whore complex (also called a Madonna–mistress complex) is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed and loving relationship. First identified by Sigmund Freud, who called it psychic impotence, it is a psychological complex that is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased whores. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (whore) while they cannot desire the respected partner (Madonna). Freud wrote, "Where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love." Clinical psychologist Uwe Hartmann wrote in 2009 that the complex "is still highly prevalent in today's patients".

In case you are unaware The Madonna is a painting of a depiction of Mary, mother of Jesus. A whore is a whore. I’m sure 98% of you know what that is. Plus the explanation above states it.

I’m a whore when I should be a Madonna because I wrote about sex. MY own sexual experiences. My own sexual experiences which I enjoyed! As a Madonna I shouldn’t like it. Im a Mom & I’m a grandmother so sex shouldn’t even be on my radar.

Maaaaan listen, I’m not dead. I’m 46 (going on 47) and ALL my parts work perfectly fine. Better than fine actually.

Although at present I am not having sexual relations with any one in particular, the prospect of, is exciting. I’m open (nooooo not in that way) to the option.

Why should I be labeled a whore because I like sex? Don’t you? Have I had sex with a lot of partners? What’s the definition of “a lot of?”

How many partners is too many or too few?

Also, what business is it of yours if I have? You think because I post on this app, gives you the right to judge me? Because I’m sharing? I get that if I share, I have to handle what comes with it. Reader(s), if your opinion is constructive or even rude to the point where I giggle because it’s so insane, THAT I can handle but that’s not what’s happening.

It’s just so weird to be judged for something that most people also love. Is that the basis of hypocrisy? I think it is.

It’s ok though. I’m not going to judge anyone for liking sex. It’s not my business.

You know the best thing about this whole thing is I AM the Madonna and I AM the whore.

When I write that I’m not talking about what Freud thought. This isn’t about a man. Not for me anyway. My sexuality is about me. I am those two things concurrently. There’s no harm in that.

I love me and the opinion of those who don’t increase my worth, in any of the fundamental ways, is ever going to change that.

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

[latina4rmbx]

Flowers

I bought myself flowers today To mourn the girl I was yesterday and celebrate the woman I will be tomorrow

[latina4rmbx]

Am I Lonely or Am I Bored?

I want to put a disclaimer here because of my followers who read this, will know I'm referring to them, if I am in fact, referring to them. I won't say your name(s), I promise.

So here's my dilemma. I am single. No, that's not my dilemma, bare with me. I already feel this is going to go off on a tangent, but I'll try to reign in the scattered thoughts.

A friend of mine asked me why don't I get my degree and go into therapy. HAHAHAHAHA, not that I NEED therapy (I'm sure I do) but that I should become a therapist. I've said this before, but it should be repeated.

I explained that I have no degree and if in fact I do return to school to become a therapist or psychologist, if I had to start all over, I'd be getting a degree at 50 then having to intern and do a residency (because if I'm going to do therapy, I'm going to do it BIG). That's too much time, I don't have and too much money, that I also don't have.

Not saying that I can't do it. I could, but the thought of going back to school turns my stomach. Even and especially on line. I have never actually done on-line classes and I know for an absolute fact that I'm an in-class learner. Not stadium seating either. I like small classes, I sit in the first or second row, ask questions, pretend I understand what I'm saying...so on and so forth.

I mention this to remind you, because I haven't in a while, that my people come to me for advice, even though they know for an absolute fact that I do not have all my shit together. It's appreciated. Honestly.

So a few of these friends have been fairly low when they contacted me and they have told me the same thing. When I say they, I DO mean more than 1 person and on more than 1 occasion. I'm not exaggerating for effect, I promise you. I'd tell you.

The theme of these conversations seem to be loneliness. They have all told me they are lonely. I listen and I explain to them that they're better off lonely than being in horrible relationships where they aren't appreciated or loved the way they should be. I have told every single one of them...I can't relate.

Here's the friggin' kicker, because they have emotionally poured out to me, I tend to sit with the conversation and just consider what I should've said that might've had more tact (I'm definitely not an expert) or maybe I should've said something and didn't. Whatever the case is, I tend to rethink some of the things we converse about. Please don't think that I say things meanly and what you say doesn't affect me. It does, I just don't hold on to it nor internalize it. It's not my burden to bear.

I digress!

As I am considering these other people's feelings, I tend to place myself in their shoes. When I do this, not only do I place myself in their shoes with their experiences but I also put myself in their shoes with mine. Let me explain!

I put myself in their shoes and I wonder if I should be feeling the same. Do I have a damper on my emotions where I refuse to feel loneliness?

NAH!!!

So let me explain. Think of being lonely. You have no one to speak to. You have no one to go out with. You have no one to cuddle with.

Guess what, being bored makes you feel the same.

It still poses the question: Am I bored or am I lonely (or however I posed it above).

Let me look for the definitions of both words to see if there is some sort of correlation I can make between the two to explain myself.

Bored: Feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.

Lonely: sad because one has no friends or company

Can you see the correlation? I hope so, at present, I do not have the presence of mind to explain it. I can see the string that connects them but it's so difficult for my mind to articulate what I want to say and for that I sincerely apologize.

Back to me (shoo). I think we need one morek definition before I go on.

Weary: Feeling or showing tiredness, especially as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep.

Ok, i had to add weary to this list because I wanted to make sure that it didn't mean something similar to sad. No, what I wrote above wasn't the only definition, but the others don't mean sad either.

Ok, now really back to me. I put myself in their shoes and then wonder if this is how I should be feeling?

If I tell you how many times I've had to tell a person that I love myself, like truly and deeply love myself you'd ask why. Are you asking why now? Ok, you pulled my arm. I've said it because I truly love my own company. I love driving alone with the music loud and the windows down. I love sitting in bed reading a book alone with my thoughts. I thoroughly entertain myself, but at times I get BORED.

I wouldn't mind sharing some time with another human being, but I'm truly an empath and i draw others feelings into me. They may feel better, but I need to rethink about the conversation and what's making me feel empty, sad, angry, etc and then let it go.

Remember I said I don't internalize anyone else's BS? I guess that's sort of true. I don't internalize other's BS for long. I feel what I need to feel to fill my cup and then I let it go. There are times and situations that are a little harder to let go, but trust me, if I can compartmentalize my own trauma, I can compartmentalize yours.

Someone might say, but Sadness, that's not letting go. Trust me, I say it that way, but I definitely let it go because what I can really do? I am limited in the way I can help you. I started asking: Do you want Fluff or Tough?

Wanna know a secret? I'm not great with the fluff (SHHHHH)

But in all seriousness, there isn't much I can do, but I can listen, I can advise and then I do this...this is my speciality, I ask heavy questions. I ask "how does that make you feel?" because sometimes I need to understand how that experience is making you feel. It how I best pull my advice.

But I ask the heavy questions, more introspective questions. What did you do to cause that? What is it about you that you're allowing that? What is it you don't see within yourself that is causing you react in this manner?

The best thing is I think I'm so smooth, I tell them "you don't need to answer me now. Think about it and get back to me...or not". Is that douchebaggery? It's probably douchebaggery and I'm sooooo sorry.

But yes, I don't know the answers to those questions above. Only you do and only you can answer them. Just like a therapist, I'm not here to give you the answers, I'm here to help you draw out the answers yourself. You need to do the work. I'm doing the work.

NO, i'm not in therapy. Yes, I need it. Eventually, I'll get to it. At present, THIS is my therapy.

So am I lonely or just bored? If i'm honest, I'm sometimes one and sometimes the other and I'm absolutely ok with that. I love myself for being self aware enough to realize that. Like I said, I love my company and I give pretty good advice so giving myself pep talks and advice and strategies for the day...I mean who could be better?

Well familia, I'm exhausted and I should go to bed. Goodnight!

XOXO

Thanks for reading

[latina4rmbx]

I Am a Killer

Shocking!

I'm watching this show on Netflix and I'm like 2 or 3 seasons in. Maybe 12-16 episodes watched and this is what I've learned (I've also learned this with life, but that's a story for another day).

You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead. Right? What if the person who has perished was your tormentor? Are you supposed to speak of the good times? What if there weren't any?

I'm watching people speak of the deceased and of those who are incarcerated and I see an underlying theme: You don't know who someone is when they're around another person.

Your family may consider you to be the gentlest, most humble and caring person in the world. Is that who you present yourself to be with everyone around you? Do you treat your partner with that same gentleness, humbleness or care?

Do you know how many serial killers had families who loved and adored them and had ZERO clue that they were capable of murdering anyone? Let alone murdering several someones?

Yes, i want to see from the families perspective that their brother or sister or mother or daughter or son or dad was amazing, but I also am paying attention to the prisoner when they say he/she beat me or pulled a knife out on me.

The adage of: "You never know what happens behind closed doors is so true." You don't. Unless someone is willing to open the door for you.

I'm not judging anyone on the show. Not the person who has taken a life and most definitely not the deceased. I'm just saying, you don't know who a person is until they let you in completely and most people don't know how to surrender that type of power to another.

Reserve judgments for whatever higher power you believe in. You live your life and you live in your truth with any individual who is graced with your presence. The universe or God will handle the rest.

Be kind to yourself and to others (did I just quote Jerry Springer?")

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[latina4rmbx]

Value & Body Count

This is going to be sort of a stream of consciousness post. A train of thought, if you will. I promise, it will make some semblance of sense in the end.

Yesterday I watched "Betrayal" on Hulu. It's only a three-part series, based on a REAL woman's experience finding out her husband betrayed her (hence the name) by cheating on her multiple times and sexually abused a student (multiple students, I'm sure but we'll stick to the one this documentary focuses on). This series comes because of a podcast. I didn't really get into the nitty gritty on the podcast. Maybe, wife, wanted to share her feelings and her situation so that if anyone is going through the same can know they're not alone. I do recall there was a part where she asked if anyone has slept with her husband to call in.

Here is where my stream of consciousness comes in.

This reminds me of a tiktok I saw of a lady gagging because SHE listened to a podcast and she would be deemed the "ideal" woman because she has only had 1 man in her entire life.

You know when I say "had 1 man", I mean she's only had sex with one man in her life. So when you see me refer to women has "having or having had a number of men" i mean sex. Otherwise I'd use the word fucking.

Continuing...

She went on to say that she would be horrified if her daughter or daughter in law would feel less than because they have had multiple partners. Let me interject here because I do not know that her daughter nor sons are actively engaging in sex, so when she said it it was more like when the time comes and they're fucking around good for them.

Sorry returning to my thought...

She doesn't want her daughter or any potential partners of her sons, to look at her as the "ideal" woman because she was lucky enough to marry the man she lost her virginity to and still be married to him today (God bless that union).

Train of thought gets switched to another lane...

Which led me to think of a conversation I had with a really good male friend...Uh wait!

Which lead me to remember a podcast post I saw on IG regarding a women's value based on her "Body Count."

See how my train of thought is CRAZY?!?!?

The video was of a group of men and women speaking about how lower or higher the body count of a woman seems to be more intrinsically linked to her value than it is of a man. Meaning, the higher the body count, the lower the value. They weren't opining because that's what they believe, they were speaking more of societal misconceptions.

Now it brings me to the conversation I was having with my friend. A lot of times, women have a high body count because things have escalated to a point where a woman doesn't know if she says stop if the request would be honored and all of the repercussions that comes with that. Women tend to have a higher "body count" because they feel they have put themselves in positions where "No" isn't an option.

He was shocked by this revelation. I told him: I'm sorry to break it to you buddy, but I'm almost certain, not everyone who's had sex with you wanted to.

This surely is a taboo subject, but a subject that should be broached. Men do not have to worry (at least not always right?) whether a woman is going to strangle her in the back of a car because of rejection. Men get stalked but women get killed.

You may think, this is a far jump, but it's not. Unfortunately, in society today, men tend to have a sense of entitlement. They are entitled to X, Y and Z. I put in all that effort and she didn't comply with the program. I'm not talking books or movies or podcasts. I'm talking real life.

How many women have been assaulted because she rejected a man? I was trying to find the stats on line, but it got brutal. Men are killing women due to rejection, however I don't want to pull those numbers because they can very well be inflated or singular and I'm trying to be fair. The information I did find was Intimate Partner Crime, but I'm not speaking just from a DV standpoint.

If/When I find credible information I will post it. At present, I'll keep on chugging along.

How many women have been assaulted because she rejected a man? A lot! You know the saying "1 is too many?" Yeah, 1 is too many. A woman can't even walk down the street and say No Thanks without fear. How is that a way for us woman to live?

I digress, and I apologize. Back to the conversation with my friend...

Body Count: Sometimes a woman's body count is high due to fear. Please don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean the man in this scenario has actually done or said anything to make the woman fearful. Past experiences may have her brain wired to "If I say no, I'll get hurt." Then she may rationalize with herself. "It's just sex. A few minutes and it'll be over. It's just my body..." etc. All of the thoughts that may run through a woman's mind to convince herself to follow through. Believe me, it happens more often than not.

This is why consent is so important, but that's for the end of this post.

So why would the number of men a woman has had sex with affect her value? Why would society care? How would you even know? Why do women feel the need to lie about how many intimate partners they've had? Why should it matter? These are legitimate questions I'm asking.

For any person with a dick dangling between their legs who may decide to respond to the above questions, please don't respond from a societal or religious standpoint. I'm asking YOU, why does it matter? Why do you feel a woman has less value if she's slept with more men? I'd love to know your thoughts honestly, as long as you keep it respectful.

Women! Girls! Ladies! Your value is not tied to how many people you lay with. Like I said, you can always lie and no one has to know, but that is up to you to share. Your value is tied to how you regard. yourself. You are a Queen and it is your right to uphold yourself as one. Don't tell me Queens don't have multiple lovers LOL. I'm just saying if you want to save yourself for marriage, ala Jane the Virgin or you want to screw every Tom, Dick & Harry, ala Samantha on Sex and the City, that is your prerogative. No one should judge you off of your choices.

You may say, well, she's obviously more Samantha than Jane and I will say You are abso-fucking-lutely correct, but I have daughters and a grand daughter and nieces and little girls whom I love who's value, in my eyes, will not change due to whatever part of the spectrum they fall under.

Women should be free in their sexuality. Not be ashamed of it.

Back to consent...This is why consent is so important in this day and age. Conversation, Conversation, Conversation is the most honorable thing you could ever have with someone. Honest conversation that is.

Getting to know someone is a huge deal now. What I have learned and have seen is this: Although someone may present themselves as one way today, they may very well be someone totally different. Follow your gut. Once you feel they're kicking up your anxiety, high tail it out of there. Sometimes it's NOT butterflies. Try to keep aware of that.

Even if a person (this is men and women) misrepresents themselves, there are conversations that should be had. Stand firm on your boundaries. Tell them the hard No's. You can explain, or not, why they're hard No's and someone who respects you will respect that. This is a way to weed out the riff raff from the prince.

We have been so conditioned to believe that toxicity and anxiety is love. That we have to stick it out through the bullshit because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, ok, this may be true. I'm almost certain this is true, but you don't have to. You don't have to stay for the sake of the children or the sanctity of marriage or business. You don't fail because your marriage didn't work out. IT failed, not you. Not if you put everything you could into it and tried to do what it takes to function. Sometimes things just don't work and we have to be ok with that.

Before someone comes for me, I'm not saying to leave that man/woman alone. I'm just saying if you're losing more than you're gaining what are you staying for? There is strength in admitting defeat. Staying with a partner that doesn't respect you isn't giving up, it's choosing yourself and I wish more people got this.

Consent, I'm sorry I went off on a tangent. Consent is very important. Now, you know those little flirty overtly sexual conversations you have when you're chatting with someone and getting to know their likes and dislikes? Well, that shit changes and it changes fast. I may want you to finger my ass today, but not really feeling it tomorrow. You get what I mean? So consent should be a constant live thing in your love life. Ask the question, do you want to do this? How do you want me to do that? Because it changes on a daily. Depending on the weather and the feeling.

Mind you, consent isn't just for women. Men also should be giving consent. Do you want your ass fingered? lol (I'm probably going to lose my 4 male readers with this one). But seriously though, these are ongoing conversations. The sounds a person makes because something feels good today may not be what they want tomorrow, ya dig? So continually ask for consent ask make it dirty talk if you can? I won't regale you with my top notch dirty talk, lol. Just figure a way that works for the both of you.

I will end it like this...A woman's value shouldn't go based off the number of men she has slept with. Her value should be based off how she treats you and serves you and loves you. The same for a man. His value isn't based of the amount of money he has in the bank or the type of car he drives. It should be based off of how he treats you and serves you and loves you.

This is a two-way street and you better make sure you look both ways before crossing.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

[latina4rmbx]

Jane the Virgin

This is the second time I am watching this show. If memory serves me correctly, I might've blogged about it back while I was watching it.

What I don't recall seeing, when I originally watched the show was episode ninety-nine.

Episode Ninety-Nine wasn't an actual program. It was a BTS scenes look at some of the plot twists and we got a glimpse of what Jane the Virgin means to the people who are part of the show. The EP and the main characters.

The show is about family. I wasn't going to say this but it made me miss my grandmother so much. She was our strength.

The show was written like a telenovela. I understand that some of you don't know what a telenovela is so I'll break it down in the simplest of terms.

A telenovela is a Spanish Soap Opera, but unlike English Soap Operas, they end. Not every telenovela gets wrapped in a bow and ends things tidily. But this one did.

It made my heart feel like it was glowing.

As I type here and revisit some core memories, I cry and understand why us latinas are as dramatic as we are. If you've ever seen a telenovela you'd understand. Susan Lucci level drama, I tell you.

However, I want to focus more on the strength. Mainly the strength of women. We go through hardships in life and in love, but we rarely give up our strength. Even when it looks like we have taken the backseat to a man or to our children or even our workplaces, we are fierce and we are strong. That's not just for latina women either. All women.

So I guess this is a love note to women. Embrace your femininity. Embrace who you are and what you present to the world. Embrace YOUR beautiful heart and always always always keep your strength.

That strength is the core of who you are and no one can take that from you. Regardless of how that looks because strength comes in many different forms. Just because my strength doesn't look like your strength it doesn't mean you're being strong with all of your might.

I applaud you! I love you! I aspire to be all of you at one time or another in my life.

To the women in my family, y somos muchas, I see you. I see to the core of you and I love every messy, dramatic, misunderstood, complicated beings you are. Thank you for making me who I am.

To the woman i love with all of my heart, for ever and ever and ever, my Abuela. i miss you so much and I thank you for being patient with me and loving me unconditionally. For showing me what real love looks like. For never judging me and for always allowing me to make mistakes and always being there when I fall. I will go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart because you are not here, but that just means that there was an abundance of love.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

[latina4rmbx]

It's Bigger than Me...

Received a phone call and I was asked what does this mean...Depends on who said it, right?

It's bigger than me...It could relate to children, a marriage, GOD!

But what does this mean? It's bigger than me?

Does that mean you don't know what to do or that there are circumstances that are beyond your control? What can you control? Your emotions? Your reaction? What you allow? Are those bigger than you too?

So what is bigger than you? What is the circumstance?

Ok, I'm beating a dead horse. Here's my reaction to that comment...What is bigger than you? What do YOU mean by that? Explain what's bigger than you so I can see if I want to/can/will handle it. Say it with your chest meng!

Just come straight out and say what it is, don't give a BS phrase stating it's bigger than me. Shit, it's bigger than me too but I'll be upfront and explain what it is so you can see if you want to/can/will handle it.

I refuse to understand it. I'm going to leave you with this...If you can't be upfront and explain what exactly is "bigger than you," then don't say the words.

I get it if you have to take a minute to explain it. If you need to get your thoughts together. I give you that, but don't drop an open ended bomb on me like that and expect me to be pleasant. I'm an overthinker and I'm going straight to doom & gloom. You've been warned.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[latina4rmbx]

Why I Read...

For those of you who don't know me IRL, I am an avid reader. Like anything in my life, I do it nonstop for a period of time and then give it up for a period of time. Not sure if that's balance, but this is how my mind works.

I was talking to a gentleman friend and he asked me about the last book I read. I believe he asked me what I was reading at the moment and I informed him that I wasn't reading anything. He asked me why

Here's part of the point of the post. I truly have to thank him because he's the reason behind the inspiration.

I said: You know when you're binge watching a show and it ends? Either the season or the series? Sometimes you need to wrap your mind around the ending. Let it sink it or simmer into the recesses of your mind and heart and soul.

Ok, I didn't say all of that. But the sentiment is there.

He said: Yeah I can get that. You're letting the finishing of the book leave your system (or something to that affect).

EXACTLY!

I read and when I finish a book, sometimes it takes days or months for me to stop thinking of the book. It needs to leave my mental portfolio before I can start on a new journey.

Then he said this: You know they say reading sometimes is better than watching it on TV or a movie.

Me: Yes, because of your imagination

There you have it folks. My imagination (or yours) is what propels what is being read forward. If a writer is good, you're able to imagine where and how and why. If a writer is better, you're able to feel and taste and smell.

I've probably said it before but for those of you who don't know, I have an active imagination. I may not be able to do all the things I imagine, but I am able to imagine myself and picture things so vividly. It's why I write, honestly and I write the most mundane things. Regular ol' day to day stuff. I don't have a lot going on in my life, but I have a lot of stuff going on. Things that I may share. Things that aren't mine to share, yet.

However, its the imagination of the mundane that gets me through another day, another week, another month. Even if my real life doesn't turn out the way my imagination sees it, I'm ok with that. My life is pretty great. I wouldn't trade that boredom for all the chaos in the world. Luckily, I don't have to.

You may want to know what book I was reading that prompted the exchange above (or not). It was Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover. As a matter of fact, I'll just give you a little list at the end of this little rant and you do with it as you want. I promise, I'll only write the ones that affected me in some way.

At present, meaning TODAY, I am reading Darling Venom by Parker S. Huntington. It's the first time I'm reading something by this author. I'm loving the book. I'm almost done with it.

I have this weight on my chest because I saw a review of the book and the lady was bawling. Although the book has made me tear up a couple of times, I feel the steam building up and I'm afraid I'm going to blow. I hope this book scars me...in a good way. It's what I'm anticipating. Parker, don't let me down :)

Well guys, let me try to finish this book in the hour before I have to log in to work. Below is a list of reading material that I like/love. Again, do with it what you will.

Until next time family.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

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Reading List/Suggestions/Books I Love (In no particular order):

Reminders of Him - Colleen Hoover

Where We Belong - Emily Giffin

Something Borrowed - Emily Giffin

The Midnight Library - Matt Haig

Something Blue - Emily Giffin

The Rescue - Nicholas Sparks

Me Before You - Jojo Moyes

How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accent - Julia Alvarez

The Divinci Code - Dan Brown

Small Great Things - Jodi Picoult

A Spark of Light - Jodi Picoult

The Left Behind Series - Tim LaHaye

The Wedding - Nicholas Sparks

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - V. E. Schwab

Sundays' at Tiffany's - James Patterson

The Book of Two Ways - Jodi Picoult

The Lottery - Shirley Jackson

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

It Ends with Us - Colleen Hoover

The Last Letter from your Lover - Jojo Moyes

The Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer

The Maze Runner Trilogy - James Dashner

The Game Series - Terry Schott

Divergent Series - Veronica Roth

Everything Everything - Nicola Yoon

I found a list in my Notes on my Phone. These don't have the authors names (some may be repeated above):

The Alchemist

Fahrenheit 451

The Game Series

The Left Behind Series

The Giver

The Receiver

1984

Call Me by Your Name

Small Great Things

A Spark of Light

Sapiens & Homo Deus

How to Win Friends & Influence People

11/22/63

The True Blood Series

Paradise Lost

Paradise Found

Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers

The Gift of the Magi

The Lottery

The Divine Comedy

The Scarlet Letter

Anything by Edgar Allan Poe

The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao

How the Garcia Girls Lost their Accents

The Book Thief

The Kite Flier

If I Stay

Where She Went

Anything by John Green

Inferno

Digital Fortress

Angels & Demons

The Lost Symbol

Origin

Deception Point

[latina4rmbx]

Sometimes a Short Term Loss is a Long Term Gain

I will not be giving you any financial advice. As a matter of fact I probably can (a little) but I am not expert with finance soooo take what I say at your own risk.

Short Term Loss is a quick loss of money. Right? 401K, Stocks, Bonds, CD’s…adding funds into these accounts are short term losses. You have to spend money to make money, so on and so forth. However, the interest rates may net you a long term growth. Meaning you’ll be making money on top of money you’ve made. With me so far?

You’re not? Yeah me neither. Initially this quote is regarding heartbreak. Letting go of what’s not good for you (short term loss) will yield you peace and tranquility, after all the tears (long term growth).

I mean it’s really that simple. If I weren’t sitting in my car in the parking lot of a supermarket I might expand on that more. However, I am sitting in my car in the parking lot of a supermarket that has just opened up so I gotta bounce.

Like I said, I’m not a financier. The quote was taken to imply my love life, at the time.

Left him for the peace I have now.