oh, friends can use you. when you’re sitting drunk in someone else’s apartment with three people you’re not really comfortable with and a party full of strangers, you think about him, and how he used to be your friend, and how the two of you used to plan a future, not an end. you two were going to explore the world or be each other’s roommates or put on a two-person play.
what do you say about that, about why you’re upset. “oh it’s just a guy”. but not a guy like that. it was just a friend that you used to share secrets with who left once he got his dreams, his house, his girlfriend. you’re not jealous, you’re happy for him - but you wish he’d write you, now and then.
once in middle school you had a best friend, and she was gone by the end of high school. like, still there, still someone you saw in the hallways, but not someone you felt close to. which was fine, you told yourself, people grow apart, they live their lives and expand like suns. it just feels like everyone is trying to grow apart from you, to reach until they escape your orbit.
you can’t say “my friends use me when they’re sad and then leave when they find happy” because what, are you going to be mad about someone else finally getting out? you can’t say “i’m lonely” when you’re just incapable of letting more than two people close to you. you can’t complain “they left me” because they didn’t leave you, did they. they’re just. not your friend anymore. and it happens. it’s not like you were in a relationship.
but stuff happens and you think - he would love this. or you go through your pictures and he’s there and you think - that’s the end of that. or a song comes on and it was your song - and you know, in your heart, if you played it for him, he wouldn’t even remember the tune of it. but what are you going to say? are you going to imply friends need to stay with you? that your life is sad because you’re easy to leave? that you’re hurting because of something so small as “my best friend moved on”?
you’re really good at giving. so people come to you, and you give them advice, and you give them time, and once in a while, when you’re feeling silly, you try to give them a spot in your heart.
and you always wind up back here. back where you are.




















