$LAYYYTER
Kiana Khansmith
No title available
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
almost home
YOU ARE THE REASON
★
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
tumblr dot com
izzy's playlists!
Sade Olutola
DEAR READER
Andulka
blake kathryn
Product Placement
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2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
art blog(derogatory)
trying on a metaphor
Cosmic Funnies
seen from United States
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@leamylalone
Who wants to see a pug mix dog that scared me
Terrific
BTW I found out abt this dog because the Ottawa humane society's camera broke so they uploaded mspaint drawings of the dogs. And when I saw this dogs painting I first thought the amateurish proportions were a silly and wonderful artistic feature:
No. This is a still life
My employer should pay me every time I dream about work
I think about this classic Hozier tweet often
Elephants have learned highway robbery
@ms-cellanies
Elephants have taken it upon themselves to set up an impromptu toll booth.
some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
- “Rice is great when you’re you’re hungry and you want 10,000 of something”
- “Tennis is depressing because no matter how good you get, you will never be as good as a wall”
- “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”
- “I used to think I could control ducks with my mind. But it turns out ducks and I just have really similar ideas about what ducks should do.”
- “I used to do a lot of drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who would be really mad if she heard me say that.”
- “I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna stick pins in all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners so it doesn’t fall down.”
Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest dudes alive.
Jennifer Coolidge is the only person alive who could believably play a live action miss piggy, in this essay i will
environmental storytelling
well i'm haunted by WOMAN-made horrors beyond my comprehension. #feminism
99% of all murders committed by women in ancient greek plays are completely justified
Clytemnestra: crack? Is it crack you smoke?
Baby chameleons help eliminate fruit flies
(via)
this is a cute video but I cannot emphasize enough that only one of them is helping. the goofball climbing the electrical cable deserves no credit
TIL Manute Bol, the tallest man to play in the NBA, and the only one with a confirmed lion kill, is generally recognized as the man who coined the term “My Bad” due to his difficulties speaking English.
via reddit.com
just shot after shot with no pause
