Untitled

20 yrs

[osirian-rises]

Would literally ANYONE read a HOA fic where it transitions into A Series Of Unfortunate Events (movie). Because Lemony Snicket's actor is always in shadow, and he SOUNDS exactly like an older, more mature Jerome (at least in my opinion).

And get this.

Rufus could BE Count Olaf!

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THAT CRACK EDIT I POSTED ABOUT THIS EXACT THING, THAT RUFUS ZENO AND COUNT OLAF ARE LITERALLY THE SAME CHARACTER.

IT'D BE BRILLIANT.

[hyacinthsgareth]

headcanon that like his son, david hollander too can also stare at his partner with big doe eyes and get what he wants. it’s rare for ilya to see it but the first time he does he points aggressively and goes “YOU!!! is your fault i never win an argument!!!!” david just blinks while yuna nods solemnly and tells ilya that unfortunately shane learned from the best

[argillaforma]

ilya doing some kind of commercial that requires him to shave literally everything and shane finds out when ilya waltzes shirtless into the kitchen without his chest hair and with no happy trail and shane’s like no no this can’t be happening and before he knows it he’s on his knees in front of ilya trying to undo the button on his pants and ilya smirks because he thinks something sexy is going to happen but in reality shane just needs to make sure his pubes aren’t completely gone…which he finds out they are and shane sinks to the ground in defeat and ilya is so confused when shane looks up at him with sad eyes. but shane clings on to the last piece of hope he has, prays to every god he doesn’t believe in. please. please. but then ilya raises his arm to scratch the back of his head and…his armpits are naked. completely shaved. not a single hair left and shane walks into their bedroom without saying anything and stares at the wall for 30 minutes

later ilya gets a text from yuna that says why did shane tell me you don’t want to work with this company again? i thought you said you liked them?

[ilyasmole]

I am once again thinking of ilya sucking shane's cock during an Instagram live or a zoom interview or something and shane having a full fucking orgasm and coming into ilya's mouth live and somebody clips it and the internet is just trying to figure out why tf shane hollander randomly seemed to have some kind of #episode out of nowhere.....ppl are speculating they're diagnosing him with things they're sleuthing and meanwhile ilya is jacking off to the clip whenever they're apart

[jewelcoatfish]

hollanov pr friendship is so special to me i need it played out more. i need them to have an absolute blast with confusing people whether they actually like each other. i want them to chirp at each other left and right but then also stand next to each other at the practice rink gossiping with their mouths covered. i want ilya to drop random shane lore he acquired that has everyone confused as to how close they are. i want shane to correct other people on their ilya opinions. i want everyone to wonder why these fuckers decide to sit eat hang out with each other all the time if they always piss the other off and then see them being the absolute safe space for the other and wonder when they got that close. i just want them to have a little fun with being close friends in public yk

[dumbass-writer]

I think that Ilya goes to Boston every 4th and parties with the raiders and once they’re married, he brings Shane for the first time who has a wonderful yet slightly concerning discovery of how much he enjoys lighting shit on fire to explode bc you know the raiders have a shit ton of illegal fireworks like every American

[i-fear-gritty]

i think if hollanov decide to have more than one kid at least one of them will be a goalie. and you know that kid is going first in whichever draft they end up in because they practiced on shane fucking hollander and ilya fucking rozanov (because if your dads were casually the two best centres in the nhl and two of the most successful hockey players on the planet, then you defend that net like your life depends on it)

everyone else in that years draft thinks this hollander-rozanov child got picked first out of nepotism (because who the fuck is that desperate to pick a goalie first overall in the draft?) until one day that team’s starting goalie is injured and all of a sudden your scoring chances have gone to hell because you’re trying to get the puck past cerberus, the three headed dog that guards the gates of hell

[shillanov]

jackie accidentally turns shane into a loon and ilya has to walk around with shane as a loon and cradle him under his arm because shane cries when he’s left alone. brings him to practice and everyone’s like cap what is this fuckin duck doing here and ilya is like This is a loon you uneducated Fuckers. no one touch this bird or we’re benching you for the rest of the season. and shane sits on the bench making those loon noises every time someone fucks up during practice and they’re like Why does this bird keep fuckin yelling at us

[needyilyarights]

i think Shane is the dad who treats his kid like pizza dough. Just flipping them all around, tossing them into a pool like a beach ball. Carrying them around by their ankles. And the kid fucking loves it. Like “daddy do the thing” and Shane is like :) and then lays down on his back, sets the kid on the soles of his feet and then launches them 10 feet towards the couch.

And it makes ilya so fucking nervous. “Gospodi Shanya be careful! You are trying to kill me. You want me to have heart attack.”

[okoyestrainee]

Yuna realizes that Shane and Ilya are in LOVE love when she hears singing coming from the kitchen.

“Chopping carrots with Ilya,” Shane sings under his breath. “Making salad with Ilya.”

Yuna smiles softly from the dining room. This is one of her favorite things about her son. From the time he could (barely) talk, he made up little songs about anything and everything. The first time he’d done it, he’d been strapped into his car seat and watching cars go by. When he’d caught Yuna’s eye in the rear view mirror, he’d smiled with all 8 of his little teeth and waved.

“Dwiving,” he’d sung, all of 18 months old and barely able to say the word properly. “Dwivin’ wi’ Mama. Wuv Mama.”

Yuna’s not sure if it’s Shane’s way of processing the world around him, just A Thing some people do, or something special about her baby boy. All she knows is that from the first time he’d made up a little tune about Driving With Mama, everything turned into a song. When he’s comfortable and feeling at ease, Shane turns little things around him into music.

Learning to tie his shoes? “Daddy’s teaching me to tie my shoes. One lace over the other. Make the bunny ears!”

Gearing up for practice when he was 8? “Going to practice. Gonna be great. Gonna score a goal!”

Studying for a science test? “Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Everyone says it because it’s true. Moving on—organelles and cell walls.”

Gearing up for his first Metros game as captain? “Taping my hockey stick. Going out on the ice. Gonna kick some ass.”

It’s something so uniquely, adorably, perfectly Shane.

Today, though? As Shane’s in the kitchen preparing a salad for lunch? For the first time, someone else sings along. For the first time in Shane’s life, someone hears the tune and lyrics that only exist in his head and joins in.

“Making salad with Shane,” Ilya croons along, hooking his chin over his boyfriend’s shoulder and wrapping strong arms around his waist. “Preparing lunch with my love.”

Shane smiles and sings back as Ilya nuzzles his neck. “Being domestic with my boyfriend. Thinking of boring things we can do together.”

Ilya laughs and kisses his ear before finishing the song. “I love to be boring with yooouuuu.”

It’s the best song Yuna’s ever heard.

**Continued here!

[ilyarozanovsmouth]

You can literally see it in his eyes:

When he realizes that Shane isn't actually upset and he's going to have so much fun with this. His little smile, too!!

[gaynehollander]

Ilya throws Shane a surprise birthday dinner. Only he doesn't actually tell any of their friends that it's Shane's surprise birthday dinner, they all just think it's a regular dinner party. When dinner is served, Ilya stands up, as though to make a toast and says "it's Shane's birthday! Surprise!" (It's not, Shane's birthday is in a few days but it wouldn't be much of a surprise if it was on the actual day).

Cue everyone freaking out because they didn't actually bring a gift and Shane just looking vaguely confused but definitely entertained. Then Ilya reveals a pile of presents he's bought for Shane and tells everyone to pick one out and give to Shane. This idea came about because Shane always complains about birthday presents being thoughtful but ultimately useless because, being a multi-millionaire, anything he wants he could just go out and buy so Ilya's bought him a bunch of stuff he knows Shane will like but that he'd never buy for himself and all of their friends get to be just as surprised as Shane by what "they" have gifted him.

[musicallychaos]

I personally headcanon that Ilya was much more verse when he was hooking up with Sasha and it didn't really go well? Sasha wasn't a great top and was more focused on his needs than Ilya's. When Ilya topped, he could go at a pace that was okay for both of them, so he preferred it.

Ilya's not opposed to bottoming, he's just never really had a good time? But Shane wants to try fucking Ilya at least once and who is Ilya to deny him anything

Shane is NOT Sasha. He is so singularly focused on blowing Ilya's mind through his prostate and it's all Ilya can do not to white out from the pleasure and then Shane leans down and whispers "such a neat trick" and that's it, Ilya's gone.

And THAT WAS DIFFERENT, WASN'T IT?

Ilya still prefers to top like 95% of the time, but he's always excited when Shane gets it in his head that he wants to fuck Ilya. It reminds him of their first time, with how gentle Shane always is with him (even when he holds him tight enough to bruise)

[tinylilhollander]

The night before Shane might win his third Stanley cup, Ilya sends him the clip of his Stanley cup win.

Confused, Shane immediately calls him.

"Is this some new and unique way to psych me out before the final, Rozanov? I didn't know you had money on Detroit."

"No, I am sending for a good reason," Ilya laughs. "I know it sucks for us that when you win all your team will be kissing their girlfriends and Pike will be making out all gross with Jackie, and we will not be able to. So, I wanted to show you exactly where I first kissed the cup. It was on the top, right over where it says Ottawa 1905, left of where it says 'Challenge Cup'. I remember because I did this on purpose. We weren't anything then, but I was thinking of you. I couldn't help thinking of you. So if you kiss the same place, it will be a little like we are sharing a kiss. And only we will know about it."

And Shane feels the air clean knocked out of his lungs and the back of his throat get tight, as he barely gets out, "Baby, that's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. I love you so fucking much. I'll make sure you see our kiss, okay?"

"I will be watching. I love you, My Shane. Go show the world why Shane Fucking Hollander is the goat, okay?"

On the night Shane wins his third Stanley Cup, he kisses their spot on the cup, thinking only of Ilya, and longs for a day where he can pull him onto the ice like Scott did with Kip.

On the night Shane wins his fourth Stanley cup, he hoists the cup into the air with his captain, they both kiss the same spot on the trophy, and then in front of the world, on his home ice, Shane Hollander kisses his husband, and it feels like a promise fulfilled.

[lavenderprose]

Crucially #myshane plays to his twentieth season which is just long enough to have the experience of meeting Ottawa's new draft prospect, also named Shane, and to smile and jokingly say, "Hey nice name," and for the rookie to gulp and say, "Thank you sir I am named after you" and that makes Shane sit in his stall and stare at the floor between his skates for. Significantly too long to be healthy.

[snowsmoked]

You cannot convince me that Shane doesn’t get private sports massages at his house. I’d imagine Ilya might do them occasionally with the team massage therapist in the Bears recovery room, but Shane has them regularly and refuses to have them done in public.

Mostly because he’s loud. If you’ve ever heard athletes get these massages, they hurt/feel amazing and it is common for athletes to moan/groan/gasp loudly throughout.

So when they’re living together, Ilya is white-nuckled in the kitchen gripping the counters as his husband is laying on his massage table sounding like he’s getting fucked six ways to Sunday.

He can’t even watch because Amanda is there and Ilya doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

He finally caves and heads to the shower when Shane gasps out, “yeah, right there, fuck.”

He can’t prove it, but he’s pretty sure Shane used to get these massages in the home gym instead of dragging the massage table into the living room. And people said Ilya was a menace.

[beakybeakybeaky]

I love all the baby Shane swearing and generally all the baby Shane headcanons.

Consider: baby Shane who pronounces ‘puck’ as ‘fuck’. Like. Teeny (fat) baby. He’s about 14-15 months and in Yuna’s arms watching a hockey game on TV.

“MAMA FUCK!”

“Yes, sweetie. PUCK.” *glances at her in-laws awkwardly.”

He’s almost two and running around with a baby hockey stick, and a cousin takes it.

“My fuck my fuck my fuck!”

Yuna drinks more wine.