Now tell us where the talking llama went!!

not gonna lie, I reblog a lot of random stuff, disclaimer: I don't claim ownership to any thing I reblog, the characters/the artwork belongs to the respective fandom/the awesome artists who seriously frigging rock :3

[warhorny-on-main]

BLACK LIBRARY YOU COWARDS!

IF YOU CAN GIVE US THE INFINITE AND THE DIVINE YOU CAN GIVE US THE MISADVENTURES OF MAGNUS AND PERTURABO!

Otherwise known as the time Perturabo was absolutely No Fun At All, dragging Magnus out of a flaming library in a headlock, because Magnus wasn’t going to leave without finding THAT one book.

[africanaquarian]

I thought I needed a new laptop but nope, youtube is slowing down your PC if you have adblock on on any open tab...

[astraltrickster]

To be very clear about this: CPUs aren't magical devices that can operate forever. They generate heat. They wear out over time. This happens faster when they're operating near capacity. This is not just an attempt to inconvenience you; this is an attempt to damage your property.

For the "crime" of not wanting to be tracked/have ads pissed into your eyeballs 24/7.

Even if you've paid for the "privilege" of the latter.

Fuck Google, and I hope they get sued into oblivion over this.

[fernwah-funzone]

i see everyone in the notes talking about newpipe but nobody's talking about youtube alternatives for desktop

IF YOU USE A DESKTOP PC OR LAPTOP, TRY INVIDIOUS

https://invidious.io/

it is a free, open-source alternative YouTube front-end. in addition to not having ads, it has other great QoL features like a download button. try one of the several instances on that link up there ^^^^

[saintjosie]

so i was super pissed and concerned about this but i have just discovered that while this is true, it is apparently only true for google chrome users. i just tested this by having ten tabs open in firefox playing ten different youtube videos at the same time and my cpu usage spiked to 25% as the videos were loading and then dropped back down to 10% as they played.

if you ever needed another reason to switch to a different browser, this is it.

[tyranid-online]

Primarchs swapping legions for a day

The Lion gets the Emperor’s Children

He walks into a legion of perfect hair and polished armor, the marines try to explain artistry, perfection and the value of beauty but all the Lion hears is noise. He makes them train in absolute silence in a forest with no mirrors, music nor silk banners. The Emperor’s Children are traumatized, one of them asks if they can at least harmonize while dueling and the Lion stares at him until it becomes uncomfortable. Fulgrim gets them back at the end of the day and finds his legion standing in perfect ranks, emotionally hollow, with excellent sword discipline and no joy left in their eyes.

Fulgrim gets the Iron Warriors

He arrives, sees the grey armor, grey walls and the grey siege plans and almost dies on the spot. For him this isn't a legion but a cry for help. The Iron Warriors dislike him but Fulgrim doesn’t care, he redesignes their banners, orders the walls to be painted and tells three captains that their siege trench placement is technically competent but spiritually hideous. An Iron Warrior asks if that will improve the artillery and Fulgrim replies that it will improve them. Perturabo returns to find his legion fortress decorated with statues and immediately starts calculating whether fratricide counts as a strategic loss.

Perturabo gets the White Scars

He is handed a legion of fast moving hit and run cavalry warriors who refuse to sit still long enough for a proper siege briefing and he hates it. Perturabo tries to explain that every campaign should begin with a detailed logistics model and a fortified staging zone and a White Scar captain asks what if they simply go around the fortress? Another asks what if they go around it very fast? Perturabo invents six new kinds of contempt in the span of one afternoon. Half the legion ignores his orders and wins the battle anyway which makes him even more furious. Jaghatai returns and finds Perturabo sitting alone beside a massive tactical map, muttering that they have no discipline, no structure and yet…

Jaghatai gets the Imperial Fists

Jaghatai meets the Imperial Fists, the Imperial Fists meet Jaghatai and immediately begin constructing a defensive position. He tells them that they are attacking before fortification and the Imperial Fists look physically ill. He gets them on bikes. They don’t enjoy it at first because they are too upright and worried about whether the bikes are properly load bearing until one of them discovers the spiritual experience of hitting a bunker at full speed and surviving.

Leman Russ gets the Ultramarines

Russ arrives and immediately senses danger from paperwork. The Ultramarines have schedules for their schedules, binders and compliance officers, one of them arrives with an agenda and Russ immediately eats it. The legion is forced into a morale hunt which involve drinking, shouting and solving tactical problems by throwing someone through a wall. They are horrified until unfortunately some of them begin enjoying it, one  captain even submits a report titled On the Potential Strategic Benefits of Controlled Barbarism. Guilliman returns and finds his legion slightly drunk, covered in mud and somehow ahead of schedule.

Rogal Dorn gets the Night Lords

Dorn takes command of the Night Lords and immediately realizes this may be the emperor’s punishment for something. The marines are whispering murder threats and decorating hallways with things Dorn refuses to identify, he stands beneath a chain of flayed skins, looks at a nearby marine and tells him to remove it, the marine replies it’s load bearing. He begins writing corrective doctrines, when Curze returns he finds the Night Lords standing straighter, their equipment cleaner and their patrol routes tighter, they are worse in the way a knife becomes worse when sharpened properly. Dorn realizes he has accidentally professionalized the nightmare.

Konrad Curze gets the Salamanders

The Salamanders are kind and patient, they call civilians ‘the people’ and ask Curze if he has eaten. They try to include him in an humanitarian evacuation and Curze keeps trying to turn it into psychological warfare. A Salamander gently says that perhaps the children don’t need to see the enemies’ corpses arranged like a warning mural. The Salamanders get him to help rescue civilians but he does it in the most terrifying way possible, a child says thank you and Curze stares at them like they have stabbed him. Vulkan returns and finds him crouched and wrapped in a donated emergency blanket, furious that kindness has happened near him.

Sanguinius gets the World Eaters

Sanguinius arrives and the World Eaters immediately become confused because they want to be angry but the angel is looking at them with profound sorrow. They expect orders to charge but Sanguinius instead asks them to tell him where it hurts. The legion becomes violently uncomfortable, one marine whispers “everywhere” and Sanguinius replies he knows, that’s somehow worse than being yelled at. He does send them into battle but with actual formation discipline, measured fury and medicae support ready behind the line. They hate how effective it is and that he thanks them afterward. Angron returns and finds his legion quieter than usual.

Ferrus Manus gets the Thousand Sons

Ferrus is dropped into a legion of scholarly psychic wizards who want to debate metaphysics before breakfast, that lasts nine minutes. One marine begins explaining the subtle distinction between the immaterial resonance of thought and the structured application of warp touched will and Ferrus asks if it can punch armor. He makes them spend the day proving psychic theories through practical battlefield application. No more hours long philosophical preambles and just … can it break a tank? Can it hold a bridge? Can it kill that thing before it kills us? Magnus returns and finds his sons exhausted, humbled and disturbingly good at direct problem solving.

Angron gets the Blood Angels

The Blood Angels are noble, graceful and constantly standing at the edge of something terrible inside themselves, Angron recognizes that rage instantly and tells them to stop pretending they aren’t angry. For one day their training becomes brutal, honest and terrifying, Angron understands the beast and doesn’t make it pretty, he teaches them to survive the rage by admitting it exists. Sanguinius returns and finds his sons shaken but strangely steadier.

Roboute Guilliman gets the Space Wolves

He arrives with an open mind but it closes within fifteen minutes. Guilliman attempts to implement a clean command structure and the Wolves respond by giving him a nickname, he doesn’t ask what it means but he suspects it’s rude. He makes them file reports, when he reviews it he finds out they contain drawings of wolves eating bureaucrats. Guilliman somehow optimizes their supply lines while being challenged to three duels and one drinking contest. When Russ returns Guilliman tells him that they bit him and Russ explains that it means they like him.

Mortarion gets the Raven Guard

He takes one look at the Raven Guard disappearing into the shadows and calls it cowardice. The Raven Guard take one look at Mortarion walking directly through poison, gunfire, artillery and common sense and call it ‘subtle.’ Neither side approves. Mortarion wants endurance and attrition, the legion wants silence, precision and leaving before anyone knows they were there. He tries to make them hold ground and they keep vanishing, he gives them a direct assault order and they complete it by assassinating the entire command staff and never assaulting anything. Mortarion is furious because technically the objective was achieved. Corax returns to find him standing in an empty battlefield, surrounded by dead enemy officers and no visible marine around.

Magnus gets the Iron Hands

Magnus arrives among the Iron Hands and immediately begins talking about the soul and the legion immediately begins wishing they had less soul. He gives a beautiful speech and the Iron Hands listen in absolute silence, he thinks they are absorbing wisdom until one of them raises a mechanical hand and asks if the soul can be reinforced with adamantium and if weakness can be isolated from the soul and surgically removed. Magnus spends the next hour trying to explain a metaphor and quickly realizes with horror that the Iron Hands don’t reject philosophy, they simply treat it as an engineering problem. He instructs a squad to trust their instincts and they replace three instincts with predictive targeting arrays, he tells another squad to listen to their inner voice and they request permission to install an external speaker. Ferrus returns and finds Magnus is standing in the middle of the strategium surrounded by marines debating whether enlightenment should be bolted directly to the spine.

Horus gets the Dark Angels

He walks into the legion expecting proud knights and ancient traditions but instead he finds seven locked doors, twelve silent officers and a briefing document with half the words redacted. Horus smiles politely and explains that his sons usually just tell him things, the Dark Angels stare at him like he has suggested eating soup with a chainsword. He tries charm, authority, brotherly warmth, tactical genius and just straight up asking nicely but nothing works. Every time he asked about the mission he was told it was simply proceeding. Horus, who is used to being the galaxy’s favorite son, discovers the Dark Angels are completely immune to charisma because they have replaced social skills with sealed archives and emotional masonry. The Lion returns at the end of the day and finds him sitting very still in a command chair, smiling too hard.

Lorgar gets the Luna Wolves

He is handed a legion of confident and practical charismatic warriors who are used to Horus giving inspirational speeches that end with immediate victory. Lorgar gives them a sermon and they wait politely for the tactical part but the sermon continues… they begin to panic quietly. One marine asks when do they attack and Lorgar replies “when you understand why.” At the end of the day half the legion has been emotionally moved, a quarter has started a discussion circle and the remaining quarter is begging for Horus to come back. Horus returns and finds his sons strangely introspective. One marine asks him what is conquest without meaning and Horus slowly realizes he is going to have to undo all of this.

Vulkan gets the Death Guard

Vulkan arrives among the Death Guard and decides immediately that these men need a warm meal, the legion is confused and suspicious. He inspects their equipment and their living conditions and immediately starts fixing things, they don’t know how to react to a primarch who can endure suffering but doesn’t consider it a personality trait. A veteran explains that they are meant to endure hardship and Vulkan replies that yes, endure it but not worship it. This sentence causes psychic damage to Mortarion several systems away. Mortarion returns and finds his legion healthier, better supplied and deeply uncomfortable about having been cared for.

Corvus Corax gets the Alpha Legion

Corax arrives and immediately realizes something is wrong not because they are sneaky, he expected that but because they are being sneaky at him. He has never been in a room with so many men who treat basic communication like a murder mystery dinner. He attempts to run a covert operation and the legion responds by creating six false covert operations around the real covert operation then forgetting to tell Corax which one is real because of ‘operational integrity’. Corax asks if they understand that secrecy is meant to serve the mission and one legionnaire replies that it’s exactly what they wanted him to think.

Alpharius Omegon get the Word Bearers

The Word Bearers are thrilled because they have been given a primarch who understands hidden meaning and layered truth… Actually they have been given two primarchs. The first one arrives in the chapel, the second one is already sitting in the chapel, a marine looks between them, eyes shining with spiritual terror and asks if that’s a test. One replies yes, the other replies no and the entire legion gasps. Within ten minutes there are already three interpretive schools. One believes Alpharius represents the revealed truth and Omegon the hidden truth, one believes Omegon represents the revealed truth and Alpharius the hidden truth and the last believes there was only ever one primarch and the second is a metaphor for obedience. The twins do absolutely nothing to clarify this. One marine attempts to begin a sermon and Alpharius interrupts saying it’s too direct and that a truth spoken plainly is vulnerable to enemy interpretation. By afternoon every sermon has become encrypted and every hymn contains a false verse designed to mislead infiltrators. Lorgar returns, he sees a marine crying with joy because he has just received a command he can’t understand from a primarch who may not have been there and he feels genuine horror and awe because now the legion is worse in a way he respects.

[o0kawaii0o]

Big Epona enjoyer here

[lilacstarshine40k]

Battle of the LEAST Favs

Which of these primarchs do you like less?

Ferrus Manus

Lorgar Aurelian

Voting ended onJul 23

Propaganda encouraged

[fantasmadebarovia]

there is nothing more important than a dear friend you can be a huge fucking asshole hater with

[fantasmadebarovia]

[skullivander]

I call him Air Blood. Also this is one of the stupider things I've drawn.

[green-square-anon]

I imagine marrying this man is an endless cycle of watching him say shit like this with a completely straight face and having do a double take.

[green-square-anon]

@incrediblethirst Well allow me to further torture you (us) over his inexsitence by reminding you his "punishment" would be doing what that campaign implied and he'd happily go along with it :3

[korinsmiths]

Remy and his cats appreciation post <3

[plastercast3r]

Made this and never posted it anywhere. Average game night in the warp

[adeptus-cervidaes]

Part 3: Primarchs as Florida Man headlines

3/4, last part will have bonus characters like Big E and Malcador

[tyranid-online]

Primarchs and their hobbies

Lion El’Jonson - terrariums No one knows how it happened but the Lion discovered terrariums, simply one day there was a sealed glass sphere on his desk containing ferns, stones and a little miniature knight standing beneath moss. He says nothing about it but they keep on appearing… one of them is called Caliban Before Things Became Complicated. The Dark Angels are afraid to touch them. He mists them at 6 am sharp, trims the moss with a combat knife and pretends it isn't calming (it's very calming).

Fulgrim - scrapbooking Fulgrim gets into scrapbooking but not the regular vulgar type, he creates perfectly memory books with silk ribbon, pressed flowers, gold leaf, scented pages and captions written in devastating calligraphy. The first one is titled Moments of Beauty and is mostly pictures of his brothers looking awkward. Ferrus eating soup, Dorn standing in bad lighting, Perturabo asleep at a table, Horus sneezing and Sanguinius being perfect. The scrapbook supplies eventually require their own room. He starts interrupting events to arrange people for better pictures and Russ throws a bread roll at him and Fulgrim keeps it pressed between pages. The Emperor sees one page containing a glitter border around a picture of himself looking annoyed. The caption reads “Father In A Mood”.

Perturabo - scale model kits At first it’s almost wholesome and casual until he starts buying weathering powders and magnifying lenses…It ends up becoming an entire servo assisted hobby station with adjustable lighting and emotional repression. His first model is flawless but he still claims it's inadequate so he starts over. Soon he is building actual dioramas with fully functioning drawbridges, working siege engines and tiny civilians who can be evacuated through miniature tunnels. Their sons discover him at 3 am arguing with Dorn whether a 1:72 scale bastion needs accurate drainage.

Jaghatai - collecting cool rocks He starts collecting rocks he finds while traveling at insane speed across worlds. He has one from a mountain pass, a riverbed, a battlefield, one from a planet he only visited for eleven minutes, one that might be part of a meteorite and another might be a piece of someone’s palace. His collection is deeply disorganized to everyone except him, they are kept in bowls, bags, pockets and one pile near the door. Each stone has a story, some are funny or poetic, others are just “this one hit me in the helmet.” The White Scars begin bringing him rocks from their campaigns.

Russ - novelty mugs He starts collecting novelty funny mugs, the only problem is that he thinks every mug is funny. Every. Mug. A mug that says World’s Okayest Dad? He roars with laughter. A mug shaped like a wolf head? He buys twelve. A mug that says Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Mead?His favorite object in the galaxy. He starts drinking everything from them. The Space Wolves begin bringing him mugs as tribute. Some are handmade, stolen or clearly from planetary gift shops. One says I Survived Fenris And All I Got Was This Mug and Russ loves it so much he nearly promotes the man who found it.

Dorn - extreme couponing He discovers that civilian merchants offer small rectangular slips that reduce costs if properly timed and presented and this awakens something terrible in him. He creates binders filed by expiration date, product category and strategic value. Dorn’s face is expressionless as he combines bulk discounts with manufacturer credits and loyalty points. The cashier is sweating but he saves 37%.

Konrad Curze - doll restoration Konrad finds an old broken doll and everyone assumes he will do something horrific but he ends up repairing it. Then another, and another and another until he becomes obsessed with restoring abandoned dolls. He fixes them with unsettling patience, the results aren’t beautiful but rather deeply disturbing. One doll has three different buttons for eyes, one has a cloak made from old curtain scraps, one has hair that looks like it knows secrets and another is named Justice. Curze finds Sevatar staring at the collection. “My lord, this is the most alarming healthy coping mechanism I have ever seen.”

Sanguinius - pressed flowers Naturally the beautiful angel man has a beautiful angel hobby until you realize he remembers where every flower came from. A white bloom from a battlefield after peace was signed, a red petal from Baal after rain, a yellow flower given to him by a child on a compliance world, weed from a broken city because it grew anyway. He presses them carefully in books and arranges them into delicate pages with handwritten notes.

Ferrus - resin dice making Ferrus gets into dice making, he starts casting resin dice with metal flakes and tiny gears then he moves on into experimenting with balance, edge sharpness, rolling behavior and how much metal inclusion is too much before the die becomes a weapon.His dice are gorgeous and dangerous.

Angron - crochet No one knows how Angron got into crochet and nobody is brave enough to ask. Initially he is terrible, his first scarf looks like a battlefield casualty but he keeps going slowly and with enormous concentration. He learns to control his hands, the nails hate it but he does it anyway. He sits in silence with a ball of yarn the size of a helmet making blankets. He leaves them for people as gifts but refuses to say so.

Roboute Guilliman - planner stickers He already has schedules and ten thousand administrative systems but now there are also stickers. Tiny gold stars for completed tasks, swords for military priorities and smiling suns for rest days which he almost never uses. The first time he puts a sticker on a completed agenda item he pauses then puts another one… Then quietly orders more. His planner becomes terrifyingly cute. An Ultramarine captain opens it and sees  a document titled Compliance Review 0900 with a tiny smiling cat sticker on it. No one comments.

Mortarion - making candles At first the candles smell like smoke and grave soil but gradually he improves. He experiments with strange Barbaran flowers and scents that are technically pleasant but still somehow threatening. He makes one candle called Mourning Fog that sells out among the Death Guard. He makes one with lavender and honey that becomes his most popular candle. He is furious and starts putting warnings on the labels like ‘don’t romanticize this’, ‘burn responsibly’ or ‘if you enjoy this fragrance reconsider your values’. The candle business thrives anyway.

Magnus the Red - fountain pens and ink He already loved manuscripts and making everything more dramatic than necessary so this was only natural. Magnus has a pen case the size of a weapon vault and writes with different pens depending on mood, moon phase, topic and level of arrogance required. Ahriman becomes trapped in a 3 hour lecture about flex nibs and considers the Rubric early. The hobby reaches crisis when he begins enchanting pens to write by themselves.

Horus - friendship bracelets It began as a diplomatic gesture from a child in a compliant world, he accepted it with perfect warmth and said he will wear it but now everyone wants to give him a bracelet. Horus has a drawer full of them, soon it turns into a rotating display system, he remembers who gave him each one and wears different bracelets for different meetings. If someone notices he smiles and says that a gift freely given deserves to be honored and that makes everyone feel emotionally chosen.

Lorgar - junk journaling The worst possible hobby for a man already prone to meaning. He collects scraps like ticket stubs and receipts and pastes them into handmade books with handwritten reflections. It’s charming until he starts assigning spiritual significance to grocery lists. His journals become enormous, layered, ribboned things stuffed with memory and glue. He names them, one is called Evidence That The Universe Is Trying To Speak To Me Through Packaging. To his credit, the hobby does make him calmer unless someone throws away a scrap he was saving, in that case it becomes a theological incident.

Vulkan - polymer clay charms A giant immortal master smith capable of forging legendary weapons and artifacts is now sitting at a tiny table making little fruit charms. He loves it. Vulkan’s hands are far too large for this work and that’s precisely why he enjoys it, it requires gentleness and patience. He makes tiny strawberries, salamanders, hammers and tiny grumpy Mortarion face charms that Mortarion hates and everyone else wants.

Corvus Corax - zines The first one appears in the barracks, everyone knows it is Corvus but nobody can prove it. The first zine is about practical boot maintenance, then one about poetry, recognizing unjust command structures and another about caring for injured birds. The Raven Guard quietly collects them.

Alpharius Omegon - blind box collectibles They discover blind box collectibles and become obsessed with probability manipulation. They infiltrate supply chains, create spreadsheets and possibly replace a factory supervisor. Guilliman says they could just trade for the rarer figure but both twins say it defeats the operation. Astartes in full armor are seen standing in toy stores weighing pastel boxes with battlefield seriousness.

[drbigsadbabymd-blog]

God I love this.

Firstly Curze's "Oh damn my shit boys are still around, getting up to nonsense? Well fuck" reaction after the Lion and Roboute and everyone is so certain he's behind the Night Lord invasion of Sotha.

But, secondly, when you read about that battle at Thramas in Prince of Crows, it reads as Curze just being insanely self-centered. Like the second Curze awakes from his coma, he has the Nightfall crash into a million Dark Angel and Night Lord ships because...he simply doesn't give a shit. He's just casually hits up Sevatar to demand they abandon all coherent battle plans to go board the Invincible Reason, meanwhile his crew is screaming and burning in the background. Then once they get to the Invincible Reason and shit goes sideways, he abandons the NLs. Again, it all reads as Curze being wildly self-absorbed and singleminded in a horrifically destructive way. He doesn't care what happens; he knows he's not gonna die and everybody else can go fuck themselves.

But this makes it seem like it wasn't just bland indifference, he was actively trying to kill his legion and that is so much funnier. Just wakes up from a coma in the middle of a void battle like "...welp today's the day, motherfuckers"

[4gifs]

[socially-awkward-supervillian]

Fun fact: Cheetahs only attack prey that runs

[youwinagainmoffat-blog]

jesus that is good to know.

[chandra75-deactivated20180905]

Yup, that’s the point you just stay still and let it do whatever the fuck it wants that doesn’t involved you getting eaten. 

[magehenry-moved-blog]

REALLY FUN FACT for big cats cheetahs are fucking docile as shit

my grandfather ran a cheetah sanctuary in south africa and he’d just lie with them and sleep among them and they’d rub against him and chirp at him they’re big fucking babies

[pkmnbreederbrianna]

Another Fun Fact: Cheetahs are incredibly nervous animals. One of the (many) reason’s they’re going extinct is that cheetahs are so sensitive and nervous, some of them are literally too nervous to breed. Others will breed, but stress themselves out so much, they’ll lose their cubs. So zoos with breeding programs had to figure out how to make cheetahs comfortable enough to first of all, get laid and secondly - not spazz themselves into miscarrying. So what’d they do? They gave the cheetah’s their very own Service Dogs! The dogs make them feel safe, protected and secure!

[emo-islandniles]

AJHHHHFDDGHH SO PRECIOUS

[renirabbit]

this post just got so much better

[enjoying-nudiustertian-deactiva]

THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVOURITE POST

[wylltingtrees]

[sashayed]

this is emmett and cullen they are best friends

[clover11-10]

This is the greatest thing I’ve seen all day.

Dogs are truly angels.

[oshiawaseni]

so THATS why these cheetah ft dogo pics exist

[erin-luci-and-me]

the anxiety cat

[peppermint-madness]

Also! Cheetahs are not in fact classified as big cats, they are simply very large lesser cats, due to the fact that they purr, meow, chirp, and cannot roar. Also many cheetahs have learned to recognize wildlife photographers are friends and not foes, so they will just come up to people and be friendly occasionally as pictured at the top of the chain. Some will even leave their Cubs with photographers to look after while they hunt. So. Yeah. Cheetahs are great

[elfwreck]

[bunjywunjy]

this works because cheetahs are actually fairly social animals, and they look to members of their group for context on how worried they should be about any given Situation. but since cheetahs are also nervous social animals, they can work each other into an anxiety spiral pretty easily over things like “being in an enclosed habitat” and “there’s a guy over there”.

so by introducing a dog as a member of the group, the cheetahs will now look to the dog for context clues on how worried they should be! and the dog Is Not Worried At All, Thanks, so the cheetahs think everything must be chill even if they were personally unsure about it, and they stop being so freaked out about literally everything.

[june-egbert-official]

Cheetah: oh god what’s going on how are we feeling weird spotless cheetah

Dog: :) fine, thanks

Cheetah: :) oh, okay

[greatlordfluffernutter]

[soratayuya]

Wasn’t expecting this of all posts to be the first tumblr post I’ve ever seen crest 2mil notes, but I’ll take it

[catabibaz0n]

@aroseinthesand Tumblr decided to eat your ask????? so I’m gonna have to post it like this! I hope you enjoy!!!

Don't mess with the space science wolves!!!They haven't spent centuries perfecting their cultivation of yeast and the creation of various alcohols for nothing... they have found that it is very useful skill in the gene lab, and the thousand sons are now reaping the benefits!!!

Part 1

[tyranid-online]

A Surprise party for each Primarch

Lion El’Jonson The lights turn on and everyone shouts “SURPRISE!” The Lion already knew, he noticed the altered patrol rotation and the suspiciously warm cake

“He’s going to kill the balloons.” Russ whispers. “Who authorized this?” The Lion stands in the doorway, looking from brother to brother. “It’s a celebration.” Guilliman steps forward with the doomed courage of a party organizer.  “Of what?” “Your birthday.” “I have no confirmed birthday.” “Your approximate birthday.” “That is not strategically sound.” The Lion looks at the hung banner that says ‘happy birthday, probably’ and stares at it. “I will allow thirty minutes.”

Later he is seen standing in the corner eating cake silently.

Fulgrim Fulgrim walks into the surprise party and gasps because the decorations are all wrong. “Who chose lavender with silver? Who did this? Who sinned against me?” Everyone lowers their noisemakers. The cake is beautiful but not beautiful enough, the flowers are arranged well but not perfectly and the banner is slightly crooked. Someone even used matte ribbons. Matte.

“Brother, we wanted to honor you.” Horus says.  “Then why was I not consulted? A surprise should still respect the victim.” 

Fulgrim then spends 20 minutes rearranging his own surprise party then... “You remembered.” He says looking at the party. “Naturally. I am unforgettable.”

Perturabo Perturabo enters the room and everyone shouts SURPRISE! He looks at the cake and at the assembled brothers. “This was inefficient.” Guilliman pinches the bridge of his nose. “The chairs are arranged without traffic logic, the cake table obstructs the beverage station and the balloons are structurally pointless and psychologically insulting.” “They’re just balloons, brother.” Vulkan says gently. “That one is underinflated.” Perturabo points at a balloon. “And I don’t require celebration.” “No one said you require it but we wanted to give it anyway.” says Sanguinius.

Perturabo responds by critiquing the cake’s fondant thickness but later when he thinks nobody is watching he takes the little handmade card Vulkan made for him and keeps it.

Jaghatai He walks into the room, hears SURPRISE, sees everyone gathered and immediately turns around. All his instincts are screaming that it’s a trap.

“No escape, brother!” Russ laughs as he physically blocks the door.

Jaghatai smiles and the next 30 seconds are chaotic.

He jumps over a table, dodges Horus, almost reaches a window but gets intercepted by Sanguinius from above, finally Jaghatai allows himself to be brought back but only because the chase was funny.

Jaghatai spends the rest of the evening pretending he is annoyed but he is clearly enjoying himself. He likes the music, the food and the fact that nobody made long speeches. He especially likes that his brothers planned the party in a courtyard with open sky. He disappears halfway through the party and returns with fireworks.

Russ Russ loves surprise parties in theory but in practice when everyone shouts SURPRISE he reacts by throwing the nearest object, which happens to Alpharius (or possibly Omegon). The thrown twin lands in the cake and Russ roars with laughter. “BEST PARTY I’VE EVER HAD!”

Russ eats cake with his hands, starts a drinking contest and makes everyone sing. He even cries during his own birthday speech but claims it is because the room is smoky. He keeps grabbing people into crushing hugs. The Lion tolerates one hug for 1.7 seconds, Dorn tolerates one with the expression of a fortress under siege, Magnus refuses but gets hugged anyway. Russ is delighted by every single part of the party but the real emotional damage happens when he sees the gift table.

Dorn The party is scheduled to begin at 19:00, the surprise is supposed to happen at 18:50 but Dorn arrives at 18:43 because early arrival allows for situational assessment. 

He opens the door and finds Horus holding a banner, Vulkan frosting a cake and Russ standing on a chair, everyone is still setting up. Dorn stares and everyone stares back. The surprise has failed and Guilliman looks personally wounded.

Dorn proceeds to help set up his own surprise party, by the time it officially starts it’s very well organized and not remotely surprising.

“I am sorry we couldn’t surprise you.” Sanguinius says. 

Dorn looks around at the room, his brothers gathered, the decorations stable, the cake structurally sound, the effort obvious.“You did.” 

Konrad Curze The lights turn on and everyone shouts SURPRISE! Curze is suddenly on the ceiling, nobody knows how long he has been there, several brothers scream.

“This is how people die.” Curze looks down at them. “It’s a birthday party.” Guilliman says. “That is often the pretext.”

There are black balloons because someone, probably Corax, thought he might appreciate the aesthetic. There is dark chocolate cake and candles, the room is dim because bright lights seemed unwise.

Curze drops silently from the ceiling and examines the cake. “I made it myself” says Vulkan. He relaxes by perhaps half a millimeter. The party is deeply uncomfortable for everyone because Curze keeps predicting how each decoration could become a murder weapon, he also opens each present with forensic suspicion until he opens one small gift from Sanguinius: a soft black scarf. He wears it for the rest of the night.

Sanguinius The lights turn on, everyone shouts SURPRISE and Sanguinius actually looks surprised then delighted. Everyone else starts feeling emotions they weren’t prepared for.

“You did all this for me?”

Sanguinius looks around the room and his eyes shine. The problem with throwing a surprise party to Sanguinius is that he thanks everyone individually and sincerely, no one survives. He thanks Dorn for the careful setup and Dorn becomes rigid. He thanks Russ for the music and Russ immediately gets louder to hide being touched. He thanks Curze for coming.

“I considered not.” Curze says. “I know. Thank you for choosing to.”

By the end half the room is crying or pretending they are not. Sanguinius gives a speech about brotherhood, joy and brief moments of light in a dark universe and even Mortarion is moved though he claims it is allergies(it’s not).

Ferrus Ferrus doesn’t like surprises because they imply poor information flow. When the lights are turned on and everyone shouts, he immediately assesses the situation. The party is practical because Vulkan planned most of it: good food, strong chairs, no ridiculous games, gifts that are useful. 

He opens a gift from Fulgrim first and inside is a set of custom tools perfectly balanced. He goes quiet, Fulgrim looks smug and nervous. “These are good.” “Good?” Fulgrim whispers. “Very good.” Fulgrim nearly ascends.

The whole party is mostly Ferrus standing around pretending he isn’t pleased while visibly being pleased. At some point he fixes the loose hinge on the snack table.

Angron Nobody wants to surprise Angron. Guilliman says it will be meaningful, Dorn says it’s tactically unsound, Russ says it will be hilarious and Sanguinius says “Perhaps we should not yell.” They compromise. When Angron enters nobody shouts.

“We made food.” Vulkan says calmly 

Angron stops in the doorway. The room is lit warmly, no sudden noise, no crowd pressing close, this is by primarch standards an extremely thoughtful surprise party. He looks at the room, the food and then at everyone. “What is this?”

“A party.” says Russ, quietly for once. “For me?” “Yes” says Sanguinius. “Why?” “Because you are here.” says Vulkan.

Angron looks angry, then more angry, then dangerously not angry. He walks to the table, takes a piece of bread and eats it in silence. Later Russ offers him a drink, Angron takes it and their cups knock together once, that’s the entire toast.

This is one of the most successful parties anyone has ever thrown for him.

Guilliman Guilliman discovers the surprise party three weeks in advance because someone put ‘secret birthday logistics’ on a shared document he had access to. He doesn't tell anyone and instead he quietly improves the plan, secretly helping organize his own surprise party while pretending not to know about it.

On the day itself he walks in and gives a perfectly convincing look of surprise, the party is wonderful because he made sure it would be wonderful but halfway through his brothers realize. The true surprise comes later when they bring out an ugly little cake baked without his involvement, the icing is uneven but the flavor is excellent.

Mortarion “No.” The lights are too bright, the air smells like sugar and there are people. Unacceptable. “We kept it small.” Vulkan says. Mortarion looks at the room full of demigods. “This isn’t small.” “For us, it is.” says Horus. Mortarion glares.

The decorations are muted because Fulgrim was banned from cheerful excess. There is dark bread, bitter tea, strong cheese and a cake that looks plain but tastes surprisingly good.

He complains the whole time. The tea is too mild, the room is too warm, the conversation is too loud, the candles are unnecessary, the chairs are too comfortable in a way that suggests moral weakness.

He looks at the arrangement then at his brothers. No one says anything. Good. If anyone says anything, he will leave. Later he takes some leftover cake ‘to determine whether the recipe remains offensive when cold’. It doesn’t. He eats it at midnight alone with tea and almost smiles.

Magnus the Red Magnus loves surprise parties when they are for other people because he enjoys ritual and dramatic reveals but when it’s for him he is insufferable.

“SURPRISE!” “Ah. I had wondered whether the unusual psychic agitation concealed preparations and Horus’s badly shielded anticipation indicated such an event.” “Could you pretend?” asks Horus. “Oh! A surprise! How unexpected! I, Magnus, had no possible way of perceiving this gathering of enormous emotional signatures behind a very thin door.” Russ throws a napkin at him.

Magnus gives a speech before anyone asks. He discusses the ancient cultural significance of surprise celebrations, the metaphysics of being known, the symbolism of candles and the psychological importance of communal recognition. The cake melts slightly during the speech.

He opens a gift from Russ. It’s a simple battered book of old Fenrisian stories, translated badly and annotated even worse. Magnus is delighted.

Horus It’s nearly impossible to surprise Horus because everyone wants to tell him things. He knows something is happening because people are bad at lying to him and also because he’s extremely good at making people confess. He still lets it happen.

When the lights come on and everyone shouts SURPRISE Horus performs the perfect surprised reaction. Everyone feels amazing. He is so good at receiving love that people don’t always notice when he is managing them while doing it.

He praises the decorations, compliments the cake, remembers who helped with what. He turns the party into a victory for everyone else.

Lorgar His surprise party becomes religious in under four minutes but it’s not entirely his fault. The room is candlelit and there’s music, someone made a speech, there is a cake, people are gathered in love and recognition, to Lorgar that’s already 90% of a sacrament.

Everyone shouts SURPRISE! Lorgar freezes and his eyes fill immediately. “You gathered for me?” “Here it comes.” Russ mutters.

Lorgar gives a speech about fellowship, gratitude, the unbearable tenderness of communal joy and how a birthday is not merely a date but a testimony that existence has been witnessed. The speech is beautiful and 23 minutes long.

Every gift makes him emotional, even Perturabo’s which is clearly just a practical writing desk lamp and not a confession of brotherly regard. “It has adjustable brightness, don’t mythologize it.” Perturabo says. Too late.

Vulkan They try to bake for him. Vulkan walks in to find smoke, panic, Fulgrim yelling at Russ, Ferrus repairing an oven rack, Guilliman reading emergency baking instructions, Dorn holding a fire extinguisher and Sanguinius trying to save a cake that has collapsed. Vulkan looks at the disaster then at his brothers and starts laughing warmly. 

He then accidentally takes over his own surprise party by teaching everyone how to rescue the cake, salvage the bread and make something edible from the ruins.

“We were supposed to do this for you.” Guilliman says. “You did.” Vulkan smiles. 

They sit together eating the repaired cake, which is ugly and delicious. Vulkan says it is the best party he has ever had and he means it.

Corvus Corax The first problem is that nobody can find Corax to surprise him. The second problem is that Corax knows they are trying. The third problem is that he has been quietly avoiding the entire thing for two days. They eventually set up the party in a small quiet room with low lighting, black coffee, dark berry pastries and no shouting. Sanguinius insists that nobody yell ‘surprise’ because Corax might evaporate.

Corax enters through a side door no one knew existed and everyone says softly ‘surprise’. He stops and looks genuinely uncomfortable, he isn’t displeased, just perceived. The decorations are minimal, the guest list is small and the music is quiet. He notices all of it. Corax looks like he wants to vanish and stay at the same time. He sits, drinks coffee and says very little but he doesn't leave.

Later he finds a small stack of handwritten notes from his brothers, no public speeche or forced reading aloud, just private messages. He takes them and keeps every single note, even Russ’s which just says ‘You are creepy but I like you.’

Alpharius Omegon The surprise party begins with everyone shouting SURPRISE! “Thank you.” The man in the doorway smiles.  “Are you Alpharius?” Guilliman narrows his eyes. “Yes.” “Where is Omegon?” Dorn asks. “Also here.” “Where?” “Yes.”

Nobody knows whether the party recipient has arrived and there are two cakes, both are somehow already missing one slice. At one point three Alphariuses are seen in different parts of the room, one is definitely Jaghatai wearing a false mustache. 

Eventually the real surprise is revealed: the party was organized by Alpharius Omegon for everyone else, disguised as a surprise party for themselves to test which brothers knew which twin well enough to address properly. Results are inconclusive except Sanguinius who quietly gives each twin the correct gift.

[tyranid-online]

Primarchs being asked for a hug by their Astartes

Lion El’Jonson The marine asks and the Lion stares at him like the request has been translated poorly from a dead Calibanite dialect. There is a silence long enough for three Watchers in the Dark to form a committee.

Then the Lion gives him one stiff and incredibly awkward hug, it lasts exactly two seconds and the marine hears the Primarch mutter "acceptable." The Dark Angel spends the next 400 years telling no one, the marine spends the next 400 years emotionally healed.

Fulgrim “Of course, my son.” Fulgrim hugs beautifully. Perfect angle, perfect hand placement, somehow there is lighting and a nearby cherub begins painting the scene.

The marine feels cherished and elevated, Fulgrim pulls back and says: “Your posture during the embrace was slightly uneven, we shall practice.” Now the marine has hug training every Thursday.

Perturabo The marine asks and Perturabo looks at him with the pure disgust of a man who has just been asked to install Windows Vista on a cogitator. “No.”

The marine nods and leaves. Three hours later Perturabo has built an automated siege-grade compression device calibrated to simulate paternal approval. It has killed six Iron Warriors but Perturabo insists this is user error.

Jaghatai Khan The marine asks, Jaghatai laughs delighted and pulls him into a crushing one-armed hug. “Good! A warrior who asks plainly for what he wants. Better than brooding in corners like a gargoyle.” (Somewhere the Lion sneezes.)

He claps the marine on the back hard enough to reset his heart and then makes him ride for six hours because 'the soul digests affection better at speed.'

Leman Russ The marine asks and Russ is already hugging him before the sentence is finished. The marine’s ribs make a noise, Russ is laughs, someone brings ale, someone else starts singing, the marine is now legally part of a saga.

“Any son of mine who asks for a hug gets one! And any son too proud to ask gets two!” Russ says. Space Wolves across the hall begin fleeing.

Rogal Dorn The Marine asks, Dorn pauses then says “yes.” The hug is firm, structurally sound, emotionally reinforced with no wasted movement. The marine feels safer than he has ever felt in his life, he also feels like he has been temporarily installed into a fortress wall.

“This was a good use of time.” Dorn says. Then he makes a note in a tactical log: "Hugs: morale-effective. Implement sparingly but sincerely". Dorn didn't know he needed it until later when he stood alone and thought ''That was… good.'

Konrad Curze The Marine asks, everyone in the room stops breathing, Curze slowly turns his head. “A hug?” Curze approaches like a cryptid, he wraps his arms around the marine with terrifying gentleness. It's cold, awkward and lasts too long. The marine realizes Curze has no idea when a hug is supposed to end.

“I saw nine possible futures where you asked this. In six, I killed you. In one, you cried. In one, I cried. In this one, we are both confused.” Curze whispers.

Sanguinius The Marine asks and Sanguinius looks heartbroken that the marine thought he even had to ask. “Oh, my son.” The hug is divine. It fixes posture, trauma, hairline and one unresolved childhood issue the marine didn’t know survived indoctrination.

Nearby Blood Angels start quietly forming a line. “My lord, may I also-” one asks. Sanguinius opens both arms, the entire legion begins crying but in a beautiful way.

Ferrus Manus The Marine asks and Ferrus looks mildly annoyed. He grabs the Marine by the shoulders and pulls him into something that is technically a hug but feels like being inspected by industrial equipment. It is brief, powerful and it may also have dented his ceramite.

“You are not weak for needing reinforcement.” Ferrus says and immediately pretends he said nothing profound.

Angron The marine asks. Bad room, bad timing, bad everything. “What?” Angron snarls. The Marine repeats it because apparently this son has chosen death but politely. For a second Angron looks like he might tear him apart then something in him cracks in the other direction. The hug is brutal, trembling and almost too tight, not affectionate in the usual way, more like Angron is trying to hold together a world that was never allowed to exist.

Guilliman The marine asks and Guilliman says “of course” then he hugs him warmly and normally, like an emotionally functional person. Afterward, Guilliman asks if this is an isolated morale issue or if the chapter requires a broader framework for paternal reassurance.

By evening there is a document titled: Codex Astartes Appendix CXLII: On Appropriate Fraternal and Paternal Physical Reassurance in Times of Strategic Distress

Mortarion The marine asks and Mortarion stares. “No.” The Marine nods sadly and mortarion watches him go. Five minutes later Mortarion appears beside him like a tuberculosis cryptid and says: “Do not misunderstand me, I refused because sentiment makes warriors dependent.”

Then he stands there silently and finally places one huge hand on the Marine’s shoulder. It isn't a hug but the emotional equivalent of finding a blanket in a plague bunker. “Endure.”

Magnus the Red The marine asks, Magnus smiles. “My son, what you seek is not merely contact but recognition of the soul’s ache-” “Father, I meant a hug.” Magnus gives him one then also accidentally shares a psychic vision of cosmic unity, ancient Prospero, the marine’s own buried loneliness and a metaphor involving a burning library.

The marine is healed, enlightened and has a migraine. “Was that sufficient?” Magnus asks. “Yes, lord.” The marine replies weeping.

Horus The marine asks and Horus beams. “Come here.” The hug is perfect: warm, strong, charming, fatherly, the kind of hug that makes a transhuman killing machine think, “I would follow this man anywhere.”

Horus remembers the marine’s name, his squad, his last campaign and exactly what to say. The marine leaves glowing with devotion and somewhere fate starts sweating.

Lorgar The marine asks and Lorgar’s eyes immediately go wet. “My son…” He hugs him like this is a sacrament and the Emperor himself might finally understand basic emotional literacy if enough people embraced sincerely.

The marine gets a hug then a sermon and a handwritten devotional pamphlet titled The Sacred Geometry of the Father’s Arms. The hug was excellent and the followup reading wasn't optional.

Vulkan The marine asks and Vulkan looks offended because he realizes this son has been walking around not already hugged. “My son, come here.” The marine disappears into the hug like a child inside a weighted blanket made of volcanoes and unconditional support.

Vulkan pats his back with the restraint of a god trying not to liquefy a beloved ant. Every Salamander nearby is nodding approvingly.

Corvus Corax The marine asks and Corax appears from a shadow. “You may.” The Marine nearly dies of cardiac surprise. The hug is quiet, careful and brief but not cold, Corax is very aware that some wounds don't like being grabbed. He lets the Marine choose how long it lasts.

“Do not mistake silence for absence.” Corax says afterward then vanishes dramatically because he physically can't end an emotional moment like a normal person.

Alpharius/Omegon The Marine asks his primarch for a hug and his primarch says: “Certainly.” The hug happens or does it? Later the Marine receives six conflicting reports: He hugged Alpharius. He hugged Omegon. He hugged a body double. He was hugged by three operatives in a trench coat. He himself is Alpharius and hugged himself. The hug was a psyop to improve morale metrics.

The Marine feels better but trusts nothing.