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@letterstoben
21.1.2024
His Dark Materials will still be my North Star for a while I believe. Lyra and Will and Mary Malone and Lee Scorseby and Iorek Byrnison. Reminding me that none of the boring, petty day-to-day work things matter. Reminding me to think of love, think of creativity. Think of atoms joining the universe again.
12.1.2023
Yesterday trying to make sense of mourning and listening to my winter playlist. The moon and Lisa Hannigan’s “Prayer for the Dying” and Haim’s “Hallelujah” showed me the way. I found what I didn’t know I’d been looking for. My own way through this.
22.12.2023
In None of the Above, Travis Alabanza says their gender is not theirs but something society imposed on them. They say a lot of things have been said to them. They say they weren’t born this way - trans - but society today made them this way.
6.1.2023
In None of the Above, Travis Alabanza expresses doubts and nuances about their gender and their physical appearance and meaning that I haven’t seen expressed before.
17.11.2023
Reading Merlin Sheldrake’s Entangled Life in the middle of international turmoil is oddly comforting. By forcing readers to look at the micro picture, it forces us to look at the big picture. And every page is fascinating and I can feel my mind expand.
18.11 2023
I loved in Entangle Life the idea that fungi have no brain and therefore no capital cities - like octopuses they have autonomous parts of themselves and no actual central power.
Merlin Sheldrake also talks of panspermia, the idea according to which planets might be like islands and could share things with one another through the space that connects them - space not isolating but connecting them, life circulating through it.
1.12.2023
Like the fungi in Merlin Sheldrake’s book, I should exist in the interconnectedness of things, outside of linear time.
12.3.24
Watching Perfect Days yesterday, thinking first this was the life I aspired to - a routine, a job that pays the rent that leaves time for you to do what I want, the capacity to see beauty through it all, comfortably identical days.
Then worrying you would only have this life after something terrible had happened to you in the past - a loss, a family rift, or maybe you’re terminally I’ll.
Then thinking how untenable the routine really is because life always bursts through the door anyway - a relative’s unexpected visit, a co-worker’s personal drama, a disturbance in the progress of the day.
And it’s a lonely life and lovely as well. Or lovely and lonely as well. As any other. And I don’t know that there is a life that doesn’t ever make you want to cry.
two kind of intertwined kind of related questions: will you ever publish your letters to ben? and will you ever write sobbe again?
Hi there!
Thanks for your questions! I didn’t know know anyone still read either of those projects, but it’s nice to know.
I’ve loved writing the letters to Ben and at one point I kind of hoped it would turn into something more official. But it got such limited response both on here and on Insta that at the time I lost hope it would ever lead anywhere. Today knowing more about writing, publishing and selling books, I would say I’d need to heavily edit and curate the letters to turn them into something that any publisher would want to publish, and that would take quite a bit of time and energy. I wouldn’t say that will never happen, but let’s just say it is not my priority right now. Maybe one day I’ll use them as a basis for a poetry collection (before that, I’d like to retire them from tumblr though).
As for Sobbe, writing about them brought me so much joy and fueled my creativity for so many months if not years. It also brought me validation through the love I got from readers. Again I wouldn’t say it will never happen again, but I would say writing about them is not in my priorities right now, as they are less present in the front of my mind. I however have the beginning of an idea for a BL/gay romance fanfic which I’d love to work on in the coming months. I hope in the meantime you can still find joy in what’s already on my ao3.
Thank you so much for your interest in my work. You can always find the rest on ao3 at BillieBleu and on Insta at solo_leti . If and when something happens on either Letters to Ben or Sobbe writing, know that I’ll definitely announce it here.
Only love,
Léti
Very belated PS but it just occurred to me to say (to whoever is reading): since writing those fics and since writing those letters I completed a 1-year creative writing course and wrote a short novel in verse as my final project and am now looking for an agent and/or publisher. So maybe one day you’ll get to read that. I hope.
Hi, can I ask about your lettertoben account? Was Ben a real person or an ominiprecsent being you were writing to in your project? Did you end the letters because you felt you'd achieved what you set out to?
Hi there! Well, this is unexpected! But sure, I can talk about @letterstoben !
Ben was a figment of my imagination, an excuse to write every day, to write letters.
I ended the project for several reasons:
- because it had been 5 years which is a long time to share what’s basically your journal on the Internet
- because it did serve its purpose - keep me writing and giving me the flow and drive to write something else. During the lockdowns also, it gave me routine and purpose. But I think I’d reached the point when I was ready for new writing projects.
- and because, to be honest, I had some loyal readers whose support I am very grateful for but there were so few of them. I shared this project for 5 years here and 3 years on Instagram and my goodbye post here got under 40 notes. And I had under 150 followers on Instagram. I know in a way it shouldn’t and doesn’t matter. But it does. I will keep writing regardless but sharing started feeling a bit pointless. I think after 5 years it was time to acknowledge my failure with social media, my incapacity to channel it to build a readership. And to connect on a bigger scale. I think that was a big disappointment.
I don’t know if you have thoughts on all of that.
I still write and I still create and I still share some of it. I still write pop culture analyses here and sometimes fanfiction on @problyshldntbewritingafanficnow . But @letterstoben is over I think.
I do still have a plan to select my favorite letters and create a booklet for them soon. Maybe just all by hand and just for me, or not. We’ll see.
I hope that answers all of your questions. Thank you for reaching out.
Only love,
L.
Find me on Instagram @leti_writer now for more.
August 22, 2021
Dear Ben,
Happy birthday to these letters. The first one was August 22, 2016. I was alone with my dog. I had no idea less than 6 months later I’d be moving to New York and meet a wonderful roommate and find out more about myself. I had no idea a year later I’d be back here finishing up a dissertation on multiracial people in the US. I had no idea I’d face my fear and teach. And that it would take me 4 years to move again after that.
I didn’t know I’d be writing you this long. Sometimes 1 letter a day sometimes 1 letter a month, sometimes about the weather sometimes about deep down in my mind. Sometimes when I had nothing to say or too much.
But here we are. You and I. On the other side.
Goodbye for now,
L.
August 20, 2021
Dear Ben,
In less than a month I’ll be a completely different person in a different city in a different country. I’m glad. I’ve wanted this. Keeps me on my toes, keeps me going.
For now I hope and daydream and we’ll see who I meet and who I become.
L.
August 19, 2021
Dear Ben,
Some days I want to disappear into myself, flatten until people don’t see me anymore and I can’t even see my self.
Some days I want to walk out in the city with my hair long and my legs out and my body all over.
Why is that?
L.
August 18, 2021
Dear Ben,
I’m finally feeling like the doors are open and my creativity can finally flow.
I want to follow every path, every avenue.
L.
August 17, 2021
Dear Ben,
The truth is I miss Summer alone. I miss quiet days and my own company. I miss staying home and not worrying and reading and the sun. I miss last summer.
I should probably make the time for solo time off in the future.
L.
August 16, 2021
Dear Ben,
I’ve never particularly liked Mondays but I realized some people saw them them as symbols of renewal, a fresh start, a new opportunity. So let’s make it that today. Even if the sky is not very blue and there are still things to be solved.
Let’s take a breath and get ready for the newness of today and the good it could secretly hold in its hidden heart.
Have a lovely day,
L.
August 15, 2021
Dear Ben,
the other day for a second I forgot it was ok to be me. I heard something about people my age who spend their summers going out and socializing and suddenly for the first time in a long time I felt bad about staying home and keeping busy with books and walks and embroidery, going to bed after movie nights in the living room.
Suddenly I panicked about being a human and an adult. But I am okay now. This is fine. I am fine.
L.
August 14, 2021
Dear Ben,
I think birthdays are getting easier as I grow up. It's much less excruciating these years than it was turning 15 or 18 - sleepless nights and restless days, trying to deal with the knowledge that I can't stop nor reverse time, saying goodbye to my childhood then my high school days in frustrated tears, knowing life would never be the same.
This is fine though. I have hope.
L.
August 8, 2021
Dear Ben,
the truth is I just really like writing letters. Always have. And these are now 5 years old - almost. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do if not this. But also maybe it's time to stop.
I don't know what to do.
L.
