My Lief

I just post about me.

[liefanxiety]

Anxiety New Perspective

So, I recently went on a trip with a couple of friends to Joshua Tree in California. It is absolutely stunning and a truly amazing national park. I had an amazing time and would absolutely go again. I had some really great thoughts and realizations about myself. 

Recently in my life, I have had a ton of external negative events happen. It has been rough to say the least. My girlfriend of 2 years left me a couple months ago and I feel like I am still getting over it. Over these months I am realizing her reasons for leaving and understand why she decided to make that decision. It was a real wake-up call for me to start making a lot of changes in my current life in order to over come these obstacles. 

After the trip, I know I need to change my relationship with Anxiety. I know I have always viewed my anxiety and depression as a part of me. Something that will be tied to me and that people(myself included) will need to deal with. That’s not healthy. My anxiety and depression are not who I am. I am my actions, not my thoughts. For instance, back when I was still with my ex I had a tendency to leave the area temporarily whenever I felt anxious. I let my anxiety control my actions. Instead of staying near my ex and being happy with her, I decided to leave. In that moment, I let my anxiety control me. I realize now I just need to identify what is giving me anxiety and just dive into it. The feelings will subside and I know I will be happier for it. Anxiety and depression are a part of my life, but they are NOT a part of me. I will no longer be pulled by their strings. I have control of my actions and what I do with my anxiety. I only accepted the problem, now I need to take action to change it. 

-CJ aka his own person

[liefanxiety]

Cinematography

So I am taking a cinematography class this semester and it is by far the class I am the most excited about! When watching cinema, after taking some media courses, I have a appreciation of shot set ups than ever before! I have my first assignment due in a few days and I’m gonna do it today! I am very excited for this project and I really want to start a photography Instagram account to try and work outside of this class yesterday I played around with it and I obtained a new desktop background which looks awesome. I’ll definitely post some photos on this platform for sure. (Ya boi’s got you). Anyway more later. 

CJ aka the brown photographer

[liefanxiety]

Yo my room is dope, not to be mean though. But I LOVE IT WITH MY HEARTS HEART! Say hello to all my sk8 boards, lila my ukulele, my Dwight Shrute bobble head, my sleep cubbie, and of course plank cause he sees all that goes on in my room. 

[liefanxiety]

MOVE IN DAY!

WHADDUP! Sorry its been a hot second since posting! I’ve just been incredibly busy  once I got home! I was spending every second with my fam up til the moment I left.  Seeing my family only reminded me of how much I miss them. But I’m officially done moving in I’m gonna send some sick as frick pics later tomorrow! But i love the house I can get on the roof! Its very on brand for me! My room is so punk rock its fucking amazing! Today while I was on the roof playing my ukulele I realized I’m in a really awesome place! I love the future and I’m excited! More later! 

[liefanxiety]

The poem i’d never thought I’d write

Today is my last day for my internship and I leave for home tomorrow! Its over HELL TO THE Y-EA-H! Doing this internship has giving me so much insight and thought into my future. I have come a long way and the last month has been me just dating myself. Which is something I needed. I’m not sure if I love myself yet but, I know that I can get there. When I get back to school I’m going back to therapy just to stay on top of things. So, the last week or so I’ve been in and out of writing this poem I’d like to share (btw never have shared my poetry so feel special). Its not done yet but its a nice sentiment to how far i’ve come hope you like it!

Self love is a difficult concept 

I took it day by day, step by step

I only looked at the problem and accepted it, 

use to wish on shooting comets

hoping for a change

the moment you ask for help, 

is the moment you start to health

Don’t like how Kanye carries himself 

but he’s got some words for self help 

Was worried about if people like me 

but, I forgot to ask if I even like me 

Dating yourself produces thoughts of freedom 

and buys you a one way delta flight out of the devils kingdom 

I’m not who I am because of what happened to me

I’m who I am in spite of what happened to me 

I’m not finding myself, I’m creating myself 

I used the negative space to paint a positive picture 

Shaping up to be a perfectly imperfect mister 

Am I ready to accept some passionate miracles 

Are they ready for me in my pinnacle 

No more second guesses, no more wishing for change 

no more self-doubt 

more first steps to go about 

If you’re there for yourself, you’re there for others, 

Give thanks to your mother, 

get rid of mind clutter 

Stanley from the office did  I stutter? 

I’m still a hoarder of a terrible imagination 

But I ain’t about to give into that temptation 

I am my own human right 

cutting off the string to fly this kite 

I laugh at my own jokes, to smoke out the bad folks that attend my mind meeting, which is proceeding to the meaning of self-cleaning 

My feelings still argue thats no doubt 

Really feeling that pixar film, inside out 

movie about a girl feeling so bad 

realizing that just happiness is so sad 

Looking at that horizon, to keep me surviving, reminding me to keep on smiling 

Giving my depression depression, 

during my weekly therapy session 

to my bad thoughts I say se lave 

as they watch from my perspective POV

more later; 

CJ aka the boy who lived

[liefanxiety]

Depression = bad time...

So I apologize I didn’t post yesterday. I won’t lie its not cause I didn’t have the time or that I didn’t have access to WiFi(btw that excuse is bullshit in the US). Honestly depression weighed me down yesterday. I was traveling all day yesterday and I just hated moving, the entire day I just wanted to get in a room where I would be all alone. When I feel like that I just want the world to be as still as my head. Everything just seemed not worth doing and so I didn’t post. I don’t want it to be an excuse but its difficult sometimes. Its so easy to tell people “I was caught in traffic” or “My alarm didn’t go off”. When the truth his my depression hit me like the Washington DC metro. I hate talking about my depression even though I know its good for me. There are going to be days like that. There’s always this hole that tries to pull you in. I do feel a little better after talking about this...more later

CJ aka the bullshit excuse 

[liefanxiety]

FEMINISM BAYUM (drops mic)

So lately after work I’ve been watching hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale and I first want to point out that its a beautifully cinematic series. The shots are gorgeous, the tone is horrifying uncomfortable, and the acting is superb. For some reason every episode makes me say the same thing “What the F***?”. AND I LOVE IT. However, the show does center around religion and the de-citizenship of women. It got me thinking about equality and feminism and my feelings to that. I would like to begin that I grew up in a environment surrounded by two sisters, and a very strong willed mother. My father had a tendency to travel, so it was not unlikely that I was the only boy in the house for a week or two in a given month. My thoughts for any kind of equality movement have always been the same, equal rights for all. I think it is ridiculous the amount a government wants to control when it comes to women. Like abortions and things like birth control, should not be a choice by employer or federal government. A women’s body is her own and she should be able to decide if she would like to bare a child. I often think of it as terms of my understanding. Frankly as a man, I will never truly understand sexism, so in my mind I must respect an experience I can’t understand. I think that’s where I want to end today, more on equality later. 

Cj aka the microphone lying on the ground 

[liefanxiety]

This is a song that just laid out a lot of my inner fears of what would happen to me if I didn’t Save Myself. I listened to this song a lot when I was deciding on whether or not to go to therapy. I’d like to say it pushed me in the right direction. Its a true musical expression of what can happen if you don’t love yourself and if you put others first too fast. Don’t misunderstand, its important to care for others but you need to be selfish sometimes. The truth is not everyone you care about is going to stick around forever, so if you really want to save those who are, you need to be at full health. Keep yourself healthy cause nobody is going to do it for you. 

[liefanxiety]

ONE MORE WEEK YEET!

So by this time next week I will be back home getting ready to go back to school! I’m so excited this week will probably be slower than the movie turbo (you know about the snails who race, that movie was so slow time started to move backwards). But I couldn’t be happier. I wish I could just close my eyes and I’ll be at the airport going home, but thats not how lief works. Today I had an amazing day I was just so content with being alone and I think I’ve just come a really far since starting this journey. I sat outside and listen to street performers and they were incredible, everything about today was just perfect. idk what else to say #progress.  Hmmm I don’t wanna talk about masculinity today I feel like it deserves its own post...hmmm today is difficult, I went to urban outfitters and saw some cassette players that I wanted, however with it being urban outfitters they were way overpriced and in turn not for me. I feel like the older I get the more I want to cling to older technology even though I have never used a cassette player I really want one. I just find older technology so interesting and retro it makes me want to scream. Like I want an older camera, cassette player, Polaroid camera. My aesthetic is definitely like rugged older punk rock things. I’m an old soul with the face of a 17 year old even though I’m 21. Well thats all I have for you today absorb this information and learn from it. More later ; oh and I found out how to get that line on the left. 

CJ the kid who just looks at everything in urban outfitters 

[liefanxiety]

My next tattoo;

So I got another follower today. What the hell! Where are you two coming from? You first two followers shall be known as the trifecta even those there is only two of you. Anyway I had a lot of ideas of what I wanted to talk about today. I thought about masculinity, death/religion (again I know), but finally I just got my idea for my next tattoo (don’t worry hopefully soon I will talk about masculinity its on my tumblr to do list). So currently I have one tattoo of a mental alchemy circle on my shoulder. If you don’t know what that is definitely look it up cause its amazing balls. However, I wanted to get another one surrounding the idea of self love. I figured it to do it in a very cool way. So I’m actually combining some ideas I had. First, it is going to incorporate the semi colon idea. If you don’t know the semicolon tattoo project is one that fights the stigma that surrounds mental health. The idea around it is that when a author uses a semicolon they are choosing to continue a sentence that could have stopped. Its essentially a metaphor for people choosing to keep going. Like their story isn’t over. The message speaks a lot to me. I just started this year coming to terms with getting help for my mental illness, I started therapy, told my parents that I have some issues, and started to be more open with it to my close friends. Getting help ultimately led me to this blog, which serves as a journal to my journey to self love. I would like to get the semicolon with an arrow and the shaft of the arrow has a message written using morse code. Whats the message you ask? None of your business, I mean you can find out if you looked at it long enough and knew morse code, but I’d like to keep it private. Hopefully I can get it before school starts but we will see. Getting the tattoo is only the start of it, because tattoos are such a conversation piece people are going to ask me about it. I know at first I’m going to hate talking about it but, I know it’ll be worth it. There shouldn’t be any shame when discussing mental illness cause if I did start talking about it earlier I feel like I could have started treatment earlier. Taking care of yourself is important, don’t be afraid to be selfish cause you are the center of your own universe. More later...;

Cj aka the boy with the mental alchemy tattoo

[liefanxiety]

something incredible has happened.

I looked at my email this morning and I saw that someone has followed me. OMFHLJHS:KJHFGH:SH:! WHAT the HELL. New follower who are you? Where did you come from?  Where have you been all my life? Whats your deal? How did you come here? Favorite snack? Least favorite interpretation of Batman? Don’t answer any of these, except one. Its weird to think someone actually liked my writing enough to want to read my thoughts all the time. But welcome to liefanxiety where I talk about my thoughts and hopefully we will have some fun in the years to cum. So today I was so exhausted from work that I passed out with those purple sunglasses and I think they are just forever on my face, I’m never taking them off. Today I saw some videos on mens hair and got me thinking about my hair. I would like to first point out that I think about my hair far too often. More than I would ever care to admit. However, I’ve always liked my hair, I mean there was a time I had the bieber bowl hair cut and every time I see a photo of me with that hair I either puke or burn the picture in a trash can. However, at the time I believed the style looked good and if I was proud of it at the time well then I owned it. Its like I had to go to that hair style to get to my present style. It was just something you have to go through to grow. (not literally, well I guess my hair has grown literally nvm) .But I feel men have a ton of problems when it comes to self body image because society tells us not to focus on it. I’d like to go more in depth with this later but i’m tired and I have an internship in morning that needs my attention. any love you new follower. 

Cj aka the guy with one follower. 

[liefanxiety]

Found this bomb ass jam and this counts for my post for today

[liefanxiety]

Pure bliss, with a shot of coffee.. 

[liefanxiety]

Lief update (Starbucks a·non·y·mous)

WHADDUP! SO why is this so slow when I type hang on switching to word to copy and paste. 

[liefanxiety]

What the heck I tried this three time post you stupid bomb ass picture!!

[liefanxiety]

Okay not cool Tumblr...

So I did post a photo yesterday of me in some cool ass sun glasses and it did not post. So my streak is broken again! I guess tumblr just doesn’t appreciate sun glasses like it use to (This country use to be so great). Anyway been stressed last two days. Some trips that I was going to take just got thrown out of the window and I had to scramble to find new flights and hotel stays. I felt a crap ton of anxiety when that happened. I just needed to breath and relax and realize that if I just take it one step at a time i should be fine and everything will be fine. Like its just part of my job and I can handle everything that is being thrown at me. I guess this would be a great time to say what my anxiety feels like to me. This is my blog so no judgements. (Btw I’ve been seeing some people are liking some of my posts, I don’t know where you come from but keep liking and if you do I’ll make you a taco). I’d also like to say that this experience only pertains to me. I understand that a lot of people have anxiety and those experiences differ from everyone. Anyway for me anxiety usually has a physical affect on my. Once it starts I feel like I get a lump in my throat and its difficult for me to swallow, kinda like when you lie. Also my wind pipe starts to feel like a crushed water bottle. Its incredibly hard for me to breath. I can hyper ventilate and my perception of time slows. I will start to fixate on every little thing and when I look at the clock its still the same time. Sometime it causes me to puke but then again I puke just when I get nervous sometimes. If there’s anything anxiety has taught its that I’m just a giant puke monster. Before I end this post I’d just like to say there is nothing wrong with having anxiety and I use to think of myself as broken because of it. I always use to feel something was wrong because there was no reason why I should feel bad. Have no shame in asking for help, because once I asked for help the people around me rallied. There are people who can help. Through this help I understand that my anxiety won’t ever go away and me accepting that won’t change anything. Accepting the problem is only part of it, you need to be willingly to change parts in your life. Even though my anxiety is like a weight that never gets lighter, but I’ve gotten stronger. More later...

CJ aka GorDon the puke monster 

[liefanxiety]

Lief Update (the consistency is unreal)

WHADDUP! So I know I’m literally the worst person for not posting to this, but hey this is my blog not yours. So last I left you I was talking about a change of state of mind. I found myself in DuPont Circle in Washington DC, and I started writing a poem about creating a new version of myself. I was in place of complete bliss. I realized I felt so amazing about being me and I just felt my progress on this self journey has been truly amazing. Since then other than working I’ve just been dating myself...(mainly cause no one is in DC for me to hang out with...the struggle is the same). For the most part its been nice, I have been going to places and just sketching what I see. Like the other day I went to the Washington Monument and sketched it (the actual sketch was terrible because I haven’t done it in at least a fortnight but who cares). Finally lets talk about some bumps I have had on this journey since last we spoke. I was about to go to bed the other night when my friend Bridget face timed me. She and my other friend Baxter were hanging out in Florida( FLORIDA I KNOW RIGHT?!) Anyway I knew that they were hanging it was actually my idea to face time. I figured even though I had anxiety about this kind of thing, that I should try and face it head on rather than hiding from it...I kinda hated it. It may have been because I was trying to go to bed, but I didn’t feel involved in the conversation. I felt like how I do with friends sometimes where I’m not there all the way. I know that may not make sense but, its the best way I can explain it. I wasn’t trying, at one point Baxter noticed and asked if I was funny anymore. That just shot my anxiety through the roof. I know he was joking, and I knew not to take it seriously but, sometimes when your friends say a fear you have it can just shake you in that moment. I hate dwelling on these things but I feel like thinking about it is a necessary part about moving on...and maybe that’s why I’ve waited so long to write this entry. Alright thats it for tonight...more tommorrow? tomorrow ? (getting better at spelling since starting this blog)...Actually one more thing I am going to post to this at least once a day from now til I go back to college. Even if its something small like a song but thats a promise! I’m taking this reflection seriously!

From,

CJ aka that old clock in your hotel room