Tell Me a Story

I'm a reader, a shipper, and a musical theater patron. I mostly lurk. She/her

[darlingofdots]

let's think of some Bits in the Hollander-Rozanov household because every good relationship needs incomprehensible and insufferable Bits:

the random Russian nouns as pet names, obviously

turning to Anya to arbitrate who won the race/loads the dishwasher correctly/scored a sexier goal etc

Ilya. Ilyusha. Ilyushenka. Ilyushenkechka.

and who won Rookie of the Year????

"I have never said this in my life"

threatening to tell Yuna

"pass me the remote?" — "come and get it" — [wrestling]

butt slapping. at every opportunity.

"we will have to shoot you like lame horse" when one of them gets so much as a papercut

idioms translated literally into the wrong language

"this is not hall of fame behaviour"

"who should I bring as my plus one" and listing random people while the other pouts

[ilyashaneconnorhudson]

x

[picascribit]

There are 2 types of fanfic:

fanfic that I like

fanfic that is none of my business

[eemolu]

the idea that hollander "tamed" rozanov is really funny to shane because like. ilya finds it hot and is always going along with it, yes of course my husband is so sexy why do you think i moved to this boring fucking city. for dick. meanwhile shane knows the truth which is that ilya tamed himself. he herded shane like a sheepdog until he was exactly in the right position for ilya to flop down at his feet and say i love you, i am a one man guy, sleep with other people if you want but you are it for me, so shane is always there like ??? ilya. what are you talking about. i was literally prepared to be a secret slot on your roster for the rest of time without even admitting that i was gay until you decided to have me over make me lunch and say my name while you come like a love confession and ilya goes lyubmiyy. shut up. i was untamable you tamed the untamable and so shane has to be like yes, baby, i worked so hard, i used all my tricks but he's rolling his eyes because ilya wants to be a wolf shane coaxed inside to sleep on the hearth but instead he's a cat who snuck through the window and fell in love with his prey. self domesticated. and this is just one of the many perfect games they play

[sozvezdiyay]

Obsessed with the idea of Shane randomly encountering Bad Bunny at a bar just like he encountered Rose. (Because he has the BEST luck.)

But he doesn't know who Bad Bunny is, and Bad Bunny doesn't know who Shane is... So they're both just making small talk with this hot guy they met at the bar while they wait for their drinks. They're enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know their celebrity status. And Shane is getting a little flustered despite being married, because damn if this guy isn't his type, and Bad Bunny is lowkey flirting with him.

And then Ilya shows up and has a heart attack. Alternating between fanboying over Bad Bunny and wanting to fight him. Just standing there frozen with this bonkers expression on his face.

And Shane is completely oblivious. "Hey, you're back! I ordered you a beer. Oh, and this is Benito. Benito, this is my husband Ilya........... Baby, are you okay? Why do you look like that?"

[perlukafarinn]

Canon divergent AU where Shane is a little more paranoid and when Hayden first comments on "Boston Lily", he decides he has to do something to break up the pattern and make it not so noticeable that he's got someone on Boston.

Not seeing Rozanov is not an option, so instead Shane picks out a few other cities to regularly go out by himself in. He'll go for a long walk, maybe sit down somewhere for a drink, and then catch a taxi back to the hotel an appropriate amount of time later. It's honestly pretty nice, unwinding by himself in this way, and now disappearing after games is not a thing specific to Boston! It's just another strange Hollander quirk!

Unfortunately, he fails to account for the guys on the team jumping on the most obvious explanation for all these disappearances, which is that Shane now has a girl in every port.

Word about this starts to spread quick, because it is so out of character for Shane, and pretty soon half the league is under the impression that he's some secret playboy.

Ilya is extremely not chill about this rumor.

[perlukafarinn]

@scunthotter

help 😭😭 ilya's playing 4d chess to keep his man to himself and meanwhile shane's like "it's so nice having ilya with me on my little walks 🥰"

[transthatmasc]

Some old fart retired hockey player goes on ESPN and does an interview where he talks about how gay DEI initiatives are unfair and are ruining Hockey by keeping the good ole boys from getting their chance to prove themselves on the ice.

Ilya, as the captain of the gayest NHL team, is asked for comment on this. Of course, this is half way through the season while the Cens are sitting first in their division and second in the league. So Ilya says, “Ah, yes, I can see how he would think that. It seems unfair that being queer is clearly such an advantage for hockey players. We are just much better players, and having so many of us on one team, while very fun and nice for us, does seem to be putting us above everyone else in the standings. Perhaps more teams could play well if they had gay players? The Admirals are okay, but they only have one and we have four, so it is not quite fair.”

There is a rampant debate online over whether Ilya actually understands that the original comments were homophobic or if he genuinely believes that people think gay guys are too good at hockey. People also start speculating about who the fourth gay player is because Luca hasn’t actually come out publicly yet.

Scott Hunter has to put out a statement that he doesn’t believe his homosexuality has had any impact, positive or negative, on his athletic ability even though he believes being out of the closet and in a fulfilling relationship has made it easier to focus on the game.

Troy posts a tweet that just says “got gayer and got better”

Shane puts up a post with pictures of every time he won the Stanley cup and the caption “I’ve been gay the whole time and I’ve been great the whole time” with a shrug emoji.

[quinnception]

[penandinkprincess]

it is just endlessly so funny to me that a central issue in the tuna meltdown is that ilya is trying to account for shane's moves in a game of 3d chess and meanwhile shane is just desperately trying to play tic tac toe

ilya is layering his questions in like four layers of misdirect while still trying to get the answers he wants and then shane is just asking "you want me to stay?" "you want to make me food?" "do you have a girlfriend?"

ilya is out here coming up with his riddles three to see if he can cross over the becoming a boyfriend bridge, and he could have ACTUALLY DONE IT if he'd been able to ask "hey, do you want to be exclusive and not just fuck buddies?"

man was out here writing a novel when a one sentence survey question would have actually achieved his goal

[penandinkprincess]

unfortunately this initially ends the same way because shane is immediately so horny about this straightforward approach complete with form that he HAS to fuck ilya about it and the same first name fiasco still occurs

[snap-crackle-cunt]

what shane says: im gay

what shane means: i can never love a woman in any way resembling the way i love you and when i tried she called my shit IMMEDIATELY so what im trying to say is i can't sidestep whatever we are the way you can, i will never ever love anyone but u

what ilya hears: somewhere along the line of our multi-year situationship that began with me immediately sucking ur dick, i have determined that i like men.

what ilya says: ya no fucking shit bro what

[my-2nd-account]

The difference is that jealous Ilya looks homicidal while jealous Shane looks suicidal

[person33]

Soft launching my asexuality to my mom:

“I’m never having sex.”

[litnerd22]

I’m aroace, and when I was a young adult, my mom would periodically do the, “is there anyone you like at school? Is there anyone you like at work??” And I eventually said, “Look, I promise that when I like someone, I’ll tell you.”

And then have never said anything ever again. I’m 40 now. 😂

[karmacharmeleon18]

Ilya might be a dog person but he's NOT a golden retriever boyfriend.

Ilya is a cat. Ilya makes eye contact with Shane from across the room and slooowly reaches his hand out to knock his expensive skincare products off the counter. Ilya wants attention and wants it now and who cares if Shane's on the phone with his bff? Ilya will hiss and scratch at anyone who hasn't earned his trust but let Shane pet his belly and boop his nose. Ilya will explode the whole house if Shane doesn't pet his hair the second that he wants him to. Ilya was made in a lab just to annoy Shane and be loved by him more than life itself.

Ilya is a cat.

[wine-dark-sky]

I just know that the rest of the league was PISSED at Montreal for driving Shane away by being homophobic dumbasses because now he's in his husband's arms at Ottawa and they're the sleep paralysis demons of the entire NHL.

News of the trade drops and every hockey player in the eastern conference wakes up with a looming sense of dread and awareness that they are now in danger. Filing a work safety complaint before games against Ottawa because having to play against both Shane fucking Hollander and Ilya godamn Rozanov on the SAME TEAM should really count as an OSHA violation. No comment, we're too busy holding a team prayer circle before the game🙏

[nevcolleil]

The switch from framing the Hollanders as a balanced unit to bringing that empty seat into the frame to express that it's too late - Shane can run, but his need for Ilya will travel with him - is beautiful, and I'll never forget it.

[reduxed-lux]

sometimes i wonder how much of Ilya and Shane's adult sexual behaviors are straight up because of each other.

for Ilya, obviously hes a pleasure top throughout their relationship, but would it have been different if he wasn't pleasuring The Shane Hollander, the object of his sexual affection and fiercest competitor, who checks him into the boards and then lets him put Shane face first into the mattress in the hotel room?

Ilya was surprised the first time he gave a command and Shane followed it without a word. Shane fell to his knees three seconds into that hotel room with nothing but a few blowjobs worth of experience and a dream.

Shane Hollander, the person who his father rips into him for losing to, his greatest rival and the source of the worlds dissatisfaction with him. Goody-two-shoes, golden-boy Shane Hollander. Perfect beautiful Shane Hollander wants to be taken apart and the only person who can give it to him is Ilya. and that thought crawls into Ilyas brain and makes a home there.

For a dude with as low self worth as Ilya, pleasure is the only thing he feels confident offering to someone else. if The Shane Hollander wants something from me, then i must be worth something.

and for Shane, a majority of his physical submission seems to be related to his performance of masculinity out in the "real world" vs the interior space of their relationship. hockey is obviously a big factor contributing to this necessary performance, but Ilya doesn't help!

Ilya is a hard shell to crack, and opening up to Ilya first is practically a requirement to finding anything out about him. if Shane wasn't so vulnerable, Ilya wouldn't have been able to open up to him, maybe ever. by leaning into his own submission, he gave Ilya the sense of control and autonomy that he needed to grow their relationship.

Shane also refuses pleasure constantly. he refuses food he likes, relationship with people, sex, all for the sake of his hockey performance. as a hedonistic guy himself, would Ilya be as fixated on pleasuring his partner if Shane was willing to take pleasure for himself?

neither of them knew how perfectly their burgeoning freaks were matched until they tripped into each other and then they made each other worse. thank god.

[whereintheworldiskamalakhan]

Oh. Ilya isn’t being nice to all the gay hockey players he meets by tripping them into the arms of their love interests because he wants them to be happy. He’s tripping them away from his love interest. He’s gonna make sure those hot rich men are otherwise occupied so they don’t go sniffing around Mr. Hockey himself, Shane Hollander, who they may or may not have heard a rumor about him being gay and probably available— Quick! Diversion attack! Go flirt with the cute social media guy! Look! Attractive bartender! Sexy musician, go go go!

[whereintheworldiskamalakhan]

This was def inspired by Troy calling Shane a Total Babe™️ and the idea of Ilya having to fight off eligible suitors with a fucking knife