From One Ambitious Procrastinating Perfectionist To Another

We've all had our fair share of life and now you're about to have a piece of mine as I document my battle with consistency and reaching my goals . I'm not settling even if my worst enemy is myself and neither should you .

[theambitiouswoman]

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

[littlemisshaveitall]

Oops, Did I Just Say That? Chronicles of a serial yapper

Lessons on thinking before you speak 

As you all know, I love to talk. I am so in love with the sound of my own voice that I play back my voice messages just to listen to myself talk. It’s madness, and those who know me personally seem to not mind it at all. For those of you who think I’m quiet and shy, you caught me on a bad day (I’ve been sick every other week this winter, unfortunately) or we were just in class together. Now with all that yapping comes a great responsibility to watch what I say, which I don’t do often, apparently.

January had a series of ‘why the fuck did I say that’ moments. Some were minor slip-ups that barely registered, while others would leave my friends questioning my judgement, and me? guilt-ridden. However, the biggest mishap left me an anxious mess for three days, awaiting the consequences of my words, although nothing ultimately resulted in it (my relationships are still very much intact). I realised that the anxiety I suffered in that period was the consequence. As a crier, the tears shed in those days were much more than I had shed in a long time as I thought about the potential of losing one of my favourite people and how it could have all been avoided. As the hours turned to days, my thoughts ran more rampant with my imagination fueling my unsubstantiated fears but amongst all that the most frequent thought was, "If only I had thought about it a bit more." I realised how detached my words were from my actual feelings, and had I ‘thought about it more’ I would have known. I thought about what influenced me to say what I said; I thought about why I felt the need to just speak instead of thinking the words through first; I thought about how I could limit these situations in the future because you can’t really unsay what you’ve said, and most times, the world isn’t as forgiving as your friends. This moment was a wake up call as I couldn’t afford another unnecessary period of heartache nor could I afford another session of telling my friends about a moment where I spoke carelessly which prompted me to take the following steps to better myself :

The statement ‘Think before you speak’ became my daily affirmation. I had to ingrain it in my head that I need to think before I speak and I would repeat that statement almost every hour

I forgave myself for all the past moments where I did not in fact think before I spoke because you can’t hold on to that guilt.It’s not healthy.What is healthy though, is letting go of these past and vowing to be better and actually being better.

Asking myself questions before speaking: What’s the point of saying this?Am I seeking validation by saying this?Is what I’m about to say in alignment with what I want? Am I acting in my best interest by saying this ? Is what I’m about to say relevant and if it is is it empathetic’

The steps I've taken have been a game-changer in curbing my habit of speaking without a filter to friends and, frankly, anyone within earshot. From this, you might think I used to say the most obnoxious, mean and unhinged things and I would like to correct you by saying that what i usually said wasn’t mean (Definitely was obnoxious and unhinged). More often though, my words just weren’t thought out properly and that was my issue with myself because delivery is so so important. For example, in an effort to comfort me, one of my friends shared something deep and personal and my response was ‘wow, that really is one of those things you take to the grave’, - See what I mean when I say it’s a ‘ why the fuck did i say that moment’ because despite thanking  my friend for sharing as I appreciated their vulnerability,  that type of empathy is not what I led with and I wasn’t okay with that so I changed. 

[darkshrimpemotions]

If the right way is too hard, fuck it. Do it the wrong way.

Folding clothes keeps you from getting the laundry done? Stop folding clothes. Put a basket in your room and throw your unfolded clean stuff into it right out of the dryer, it's fine.

Rinsing dishes off keeps you from loading the dishwasher? Load them dirty and run it twice.

Chopping onions keeps you from making yourself dinner? Buy the freezer bags of chopped onions.

You forget to take your meds and don't want to get out of bed to get them? Start putting them next to the bed.

Can't keep up with the dishes? Get paper plates. Worried about environment impact? Order biodegradable ones online if your local store doesn't have one.

Make the task easier. Put things where you use them instead of where they "go." Eliminate the steps that keep you from finishing the task. Eliminate the task that is stressing you out.

Do it the "wrong" way. It's literally fine.

[littlemisshaveitall]

How Expensive Is the Need to Pee, Really? Learning Finance the Hard Way

The Prelude: A Night of Unintended Consequences It all started with a rushed departure, one shoe missing, and gin disguised as sprite. The urgency wasn't just about catching the bus but making it to happy hour—a mission we inevitably failed. This failure, a staple of our "Chanel and Milan" nights, set the stage for an evening where pregame drinks seemed like a financially savvy choice after the lack of a happy hour limited us to one overpriced cocktail (there’s no economic sanity in buying multiple $25 cocktails and yes there are cheaper places but come on, it’s a "Chanel and Milan"night and cute pics are needed). Little did we know, the real cost wouldn't be counted in cocktails but in a series of liquid decisions leading to an expensive and relentless need to pee.

The Price of Impulse The evening's escapades, from missing happy hour to impromptu club entries, were punctuated by an urgent need to pee—a need that turned costly in more ways than one. Skipping lines(my bladder never seems to negotiate with time efficiently), coat checks brushed aside in desperation(because if you want my coat, sir, take it!), and entry fees paid in haste; all these decisions, made in the moment, had one thing in common: they were unplanned expenses that drained not just my wallet but also my sense of financial security for the month of January.

Frugality's Lessons Waking up to a phone lit up with bank alerts is a humbling experience, it’s like finding out the 'free trial' you forgot to cancel has now been billed for the year. (That’s happened to me before, another tragically humbling experience).Nevertheless with reckless decisions come great lessons and these are mine: - It is incredibly stifling and limiting living as though you cannot give yourself the world. The worst part being that this feeling invades every part of your being and you develop a scarcity mindset that translates into everything you do and all of a sudden all the things that felt within your reach seem so so far. - Budgeting is an act of self love.It’s not enough to know how much money you shouldn’t spend, you need to actively enforce it because there is a certain type of freedom in knowing you have enough to do everything you want to do, it’s knowing everything has its time. Budgeting isn’t a matter of saying no to yourself, it’s actually a series of say yes to yourself and your priorities. - Practical Lesson: Only deposit money you plan on spending that week, leave the rest in savings. I'm well aware of my own tendency to rationalize dipping into next week's budget with a "I'll just spend less next week" promise but bffr. Not only is it unsustainable but you can do better and being in debt to myself is a horrible state of being.

All in all, this happens to the best of us, some more than others and that's okay. It’s not rock bottom unless of course this is your usual. So let's stumble onto the streets ,as city girls do, and have unforgettable nights but same beat, let's not break the bank.

[zyaaonline]

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

[femmefatalevibe]

Femme Fatale Guide: Game-Changing TED Talks Everyone Should Watch

"How Five Simple Words Can Get You What You Want" by Janine Driver

"Master your Mindset, Overcome Self-Deception, Change your Life" by  Shadé Zahrai

"How to talk to the worst parts of yourself" by Karen Faith

"Think before you speak, hacking the secret of communication" by Catherine Molloy

"The Hidden Code For Transforming Dreams Into Reality" by Mary Morrissey

"Don't Believe Everything You Think" by Lauren Weinstein

"The public speaking lesson you never had" by DK

"Programming your mind for success" by Carrie Green

"How to stop screwing yourself over" by Mel Robbins

"Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success" by Louise Evans

"The psychology of seduction" by Raj Persaud

"Why we're unhappy -- the expectation gap" by Nat Ware

"Think Fast. Talk Smart" by Matt Abrahams 

"Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix' by Tasha Eurich 

"5 steps to designing the life you want" by Bill Burnett

"Staying stuck or moving forward" by Dr. Lani Nelson Zlupko

"To reach beyond your limits by training your mind" by Marisa Peer

"Emotional laws are the answer for better relationships" by Diana Wais

"Feelings: Handle them before they handle you" by Mandy Saligari

"Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth" by Adia Gooden 

[thatbitchery]

Truth is the glow up most of you are looking for is called decentering everyone else (especially men) and centering yourself.

'I don't do it for them I do it for me' okay then why do you only use your best cutlery for visitors. Why do you only use your best perfume and dress when going out with friends?? Only wear your cute lingerie for that boy/girl?? Whyyy do you have to bring up your future plans 169669 times to people you know are not listening and will invalidate you? In fact unless they're investing in them why are you telling anyone your future plans at all?? Why did you wear all that make up just to take pics and post just to delete because they didn't get enough likes or Mr iliveinmynonsbasemateandimanincel said you're a 4 on a good day?? Why does that matter?? Why is it important to you that everyone knows you had an A and are moving out next month?? If you don't do it for them why are you so desperate to show them???

Decenter people from your life and make yourself the center of gravity, the axis by which your universe spins. Until you learn to think 'do I like them? Am I impressed by them? Do they add value to me????' Over 'do they like me?? Did my 25 detailed year plan for the future make me cool to them?? Am I feminine enough for him??' You haven't had a glow up.

I is the word you need. Me, myself, I. You'd rather be a narcissist than a people pleaser. I said what i said. Rather be a loner than a omg let me bend over so they have a flat surface when they walk on me kind of girl. Babe your mom doesn't care that your skin looks better, she hasn't for the past 21 years she won't now. That boy cares how fast your legs go open he has no idea what types of eyeliner exists. Those girls at school genuinely only care about your existence when they gossip. And EVEN ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, say, your dad really does care you had an A. So??? So your friends really liked your outfit. That's cool, I won't take anything from that, it's great. It's just, approval should be a SIDE EFFECT that means almost nothing past six seconds of seterotonin spike, not the driving force.

Positive feedback is the same level of destructive as negative feedback, opinions and validations shouldn't be the center.

The ultimate glow up is damn I deserve those pretty mugs and to smell like Dior every day and look hot every occasion and I deserve to stay in in my pj's regardless if the president is visiting and do I like them?? Who cares if they like me, do I like them??

[theambitiouswoman]

[leveledupmindset]

Stay single until…..

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

[elletheroyal]

Lessons from my Hypergamous Sister 💕

I've spoken about my sister a bit on this blog but for a more formal introduction, she is a 26-year-old graduate student working in Boston. More importantly, she is the quintessential hypergamous woman. While I don't agree with all of her tips, I do think they're all valuable so without further ado, here are some of her top lessons on dating very wealthy and very well-to-do men:

Assume he just wants to sleep with you.

As I've mentioned before, my sister is drop-dead gorgeous and as a result, she attracts a lot of men. And if there's one thing she's learned, it's that the majority of the men you meet will only show you the amount of affection that you require to let them into your bed. She's actually come up with a statistic on the matter (I'm not a professional. She's not a professional. Take it or leave it): 7/10 men will leave once they realize that they have to develop a relationship with you to have sex. I've asked my brothers, my male friends, their male friends, and my male classmates (great way to break the ice during a study session) and they've all pretty much confirmed the same thing: Most of the time when they meet a girl, all they want from her is sex. They don't care about a relationship until they actually get to know her, but most of the time (approximately 7 out of every 10 times), they don't want to go through the effort of actually pursuing a relationship. So once they realize she's not down to have sex early on, they move on to the next. Yes, this way of thinking is a bit crude, but to my sister, it's actually a bit encouraging. Why? Because when she meets a guy, she assumes he just wants to have sex with her which allows her to maintain a clear headspace. And there will be no butterflies in the stomach, no ruminating with friends, no future planning, and NO feelings until she is 100% sure he wants a relationship and not just sex.

Avoid competitive friends.

Because when it comes down to it, they won't offer you the unconditional support you need when life gets tough. Being a hypergamous woman isn't just about dating rich men, it's also about having a network of incredible people to support you and your romantic endeavors. My sister has had the same friends since she was a freshman in boarding school because she trusts them and understands that there's no weird sense of competition between her and them. She refuses to make a new set of close friends and honestly, I can't blame her because I've found that so many accomplished women out there are not actually all that supportive. In fact, many of them are only successful because they're deeply insecure and feel the need to do "great" things just to gain a sense of self-worth. I've finally stopped being stubborn and started taking her advice and as a result, I now have a group of friends that I'm in love with because despite us all killing it in our own right, we are genuinely delighted when one of us succeeds. My best friends are working at Google, Goldman Sachs, and JP Morgan and when we're all living together post-graduation, you better believe there's not going to be any air of jealousy in our household. If I had settled for a group of competitive friends who felt the need to kick each other down for the sake of securing a guy or an opportunity, I would be miles behind the curve both in life and in dating.

Make an effort to stand out.

My sister and I go out all the time and every single time we do, she’s very quick to point out how “all the fucking girls in this club look exactly the same, and yet they expect men to notice them.” She has a point. Next time you go to a nice restaurant or club, look around at the girls. Odds are they will all have their hair vaguely styled the same way (the sleek buns have got to be retired), they will be wearing the same kinds of outfits, and they will all probably have on the exact same makeup look. And when you’re in a setting in which you actually want to stand out in a good way, doing so is virtually impossible if you don’t make an effort to switch it up. Yes, my sister loves long sleek hair and little black dresses and all that, but she also knows that if she puts together the same look every time she goes out, she’ll just fade into the crowd. Our signature move when in Boston is to force one of our brothers to go to an event super early, scope it out, then report back to us exactly what the girls are looking like so we can find ways to contrast (one-up) them. And standing out doesn’t have to be anything severe. You can easily stand out by putting a pin on one of your dresses or little pearl clips in your hair or wearing a unique purse—basically just by adding an accessory that someone can look at, scratch their head a bit, then approach you to comment on.

Date for your own personal gain.

I’ve always been a fan of the “don’t shit where you eat” style of dating but according to my sister, that kind of discretion is silly and outdated. She loves dating men who are in close proximity to her. She’s dated coworkers, friends of bosses, siblings of friends, and even professors at her graduate school. She's also dated men because they had great connections that she wanted, had nice beach houses in South Hampton, and (my favorite) because they were set to inherit a fuck ton of money once their grandparents passed away. Why? Because in return for her affection, they can help her in a myriad of ways. When she first started her most recent job, she immediately began dating one of the doctors on her floor so he could give her all the important information about her boss and her coworkers. To my sister, a man isn't worth it unless he can move you forward whether in your career, personal life, social life, or educational life. So when trying to figure out who to date next, don't be afraid to consider what boxes the men in your periphery may be able to check off for you.

"Be the sun".

This one was tough for me to grapple with because I like to be coy and silly and controversial on dates because that's the kind of person I am. However, my sister has really instilled in me the value of being ultra-sweet and bubbly around men. It's an unfortunate fact that many men view Black women as intimidating and so my sister works to counter these perceptions by being as open and bright as possible around them. Specifically, she tries to "be the sun", AKA serve as the light in a man's life. When with her man she's always smiling, giggling, rubbing his arm reassuringly, and giving doe eyes. Her number one agenda around men is to make them feel amazing in her presence and it works wonders. She's taught me that above all, men in relationships want to be seen as heroes in the eyes of their partners. So if you use subtle body language to make him feel like you actually appreciate him and see him as your knight in shining armor every time he does something right, he will work his ass off to keep you happy.

You don't have to do it alone.

My sister is very keen on asking for dating advice. Specifically, she asks for advice on everything. She's had me sit in on phone calls so I could listen to a man's tone, she's had me send endless texts on her behalf, and she calls me nearly every day to talk about whichever men she's dating. Despite me being a virgin and not having all that much serious dating experience, she knows I'm Miss I-can-manipulate-any-man-to-fall-in-love-within-5-minutes so she asks me for advice on the things I do know about dating. She also has girlfriends for sex tips and all that as well because frankly, she knows she doesn't have to go through the challenge of dating all on her own. Why solely rely on your own intuition when there are people who can help guide you? So when your man starts sending you weird texts, when you get an icky feeling after he brings up his female coworker, or when you simply don't know what to wear for date night, ask for advice! There's no need to suffer in silence.

Always maintain a roster.

Because according to my sister, it’s silly to waste up to years of your life on a single man who can up and leave you without a moment's notice. Having a roster and keeping her options wide open is essential when it comes to dating. She always has a “main man” that she spends most of her time with (currently it’s a very attractive consultant who’s getting his MBA at Harvard and is absolutely obsessed with her) and then a few other guys that can replace him if things go south (currently they're a GORGEOUS French rugby player and a British investment banker who’s kind of an ass but also has a huge penthouse overlooking the city so who am I to judge?). When I asked her if she ever felt guilty for technically cheating on her more serious boyfriend, she was very quick to tell me absolutely not. And her logic makes perfect sense: she’s stunning, she’s in her mid-20s, and she plans on getting married within the next 5 years. She has no time to waste. At the end of the day, if she ends up alone because she wasted time with men who weren’t serious about her, she’ll be the one dealing with the consequences. So if putting herself first means juggling a few guys and breaking a few hearts, so be it. Men do it all the time.

Lovingly,

Elle

[thefemmerefinery]

Take what you need and leave the rest

[thegardenofbae]

𝐀 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐬: 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐮𝐱𝐮𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐮𝐱𝐮𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐮𝐱𝐮𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞. 𝐈𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐮𝐱𝐮𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲. 𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬.

[kingess]

okay so just wanted to ask how to be ready for a relationship. Like a real, healthy relationship. I thought I was prepared but when the opportunity came, I just couldn't do it. I used to think I was ready but still I would attract those very consuming and harmful situationships. But now I realize I myself wasn't ready for a proper relationship. So how can I prepare myself for one?

You heal.

You take an intentional detox period from males and go in total celibacy for at least 5 months. No talking, no flirting and no entertaining males for any purpose. You're not going to use the time to just lounge around though; you're going to want to complete 4 steps.

Trauma work. You're going to deep dive into what's happened to you and how that affects your relationships as an adult. Get the books and get the journal going. What you face can be erased.

Confidence work. You need to find yourself because after all you've accepted into your reality you're a shell of the woman you could be. Level up, refine your style and social act and get comfortable with your self-validation being your main fuel.

Be fearlessly & intentionally alone. Stop accepting "good enough"-people in your life. Stop accepting friends or family that don't align with your values or dreams. Absolutely drop people that don't respect you deep or hype you up. Set boundaries; only love should get access to you.

Learn to vet a man. Finally, to find diamonds from a sea of rocks you have to be very clear and skilled. Your standards have to be as solid as your goal. Learn to drop males from the first sign showing they're not what you're after.

In my opinion, every woman should go through this process for their clarity if they're after a commited relationship.

[spiritual-vibrations]

[littlemisshaveitall]

AHHHH YOU GUYS I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH MY 2023 IS COMING INTI FRUITION.

[hermajestyimher]

This Is How We Will Own 2023:

We're less than a month away from the New Year, and as such, it is important that we begin to set the foundations and plans we have to not only succeed, but make 2023 a memorable year.

Regardless of how 2022 went for you, regardless of how many goals you were able to achieve, a new year marks a new beginning. Do not beat yourself over how things went, focus on how you can improve them moving forward.

In 2023 we're:

Spending less time being passive scrollers online. The pandemic is over, the world is back in action and so must we. It's time to stop letting our minds be consumed by the opinions of thousands of people on the internet. More often than not, the things we read online come from the psyche of mentally unwell individuals, and given social media's tendency to prompt out the voices of the most unhinged, it gives people that shouldn't have a platform a false sense of authority. In 2023 we're getting off the grid as much as we can and reconnecting with the real world. We will not allow this online façade to swallow us into its void any longer.

Spending more time learning and engaging in high-end activities and hobbies that can elevate our social circle and our taste. Things like polo matches, pilates, ballet, opera, piano classes, poetry, political forums, martial arts, and high-intensity sports, among other things. It is crucial to cultivate a persona that engages in a variety of fulfilling activities that can bring us joy but also help us grow as individuals.

Prioritizing our health and fitness. No more excuses, it's time to cut down on added sugar and refined carbs, time to eat more nutrient-dense whole foods, drink plenty of water daily, invest in vitamin injections every other month, take supplements to improve our body's collagen production, and overcome feelings of laziness by pushing ourselves through fitness goals. 2023 we will make of the gym our sanctuary.

Living below our budget and investing as much as we can. If you haven't already, get a financial advisor, develop long and short-term financial goals and get organized with your income. It doesn't matter if in the past you've felt like your financial habits have not been the most adequate, it's never too late to take control of them and be responsible. We owe to ourselves to spend wisely to have the peace of mind financial security brings. Never go broke trying to impress others.

We're no longer entertaining inadequate men. I must admit I'm guilty of this myself. After years of not dating, getting back into the dating scene has felt extremely disappointing and tiring. Most prospects are simply not up to par with the standards I have and what I want out of my life partner. Sometimes we allow ourselves to become desperate to build these types of romantic relationships that we begin to overlook the things that we really want deep down. In 2023, we're refocusing our attention on living our best lives and being as active as possible in real-life events as touched upon previously, and trust that the right dating prospects will present themselves when we least expect. We attract, we don't chase.

Finally, we're overcoming negative self-talk patterns that hinder our growth. We're investing in therapy, we're unlearning the limiting beliefs that keep us in bondage to people, routines, and views of the world that are not good for us. We have to put an end to the insidious lie of the scarcity mindset, overcome past traumas, and look forward to the good things that are yet to come.

There are many more things I could add to this list, but for now, these are the things I and I know many of you will find helpful on improving on for the year to come. These lists can come out as intimidating to some people, but we have to remember that we are not expected to become the ideal version of ourselves overnight. Growth is a marathon, not a sprint, and it requires consistency. Each day that you wake up and choose to do one or two things differently you're making stride towards that better you. No improvement is ever too little.

Let's make 2023 a memorable year, and every year afterwards.

Daphne.