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DEAR READER

tannertan36
Stranger Things
AnasAbdin
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
NASA
Today's Document

Product Placement

titsay

roma★

blake kathryn
we're not kids anymore.

if i look back, i am lost

⁂
Not today Justin
Sade Olutola
RMH

ellievsbear
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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@littlemisswingsandthings
mouth the only visible part of face
repeated mouth/lips motif
white dress?
voidey vibes
light+moon+stars symbols like on wizard robes
dramatic struggle against her strong and impersonal love
had to be dealt with/put to bed by rose
yeah, welcome back mom lalonde
shorthands for dumbassery that i have grown to love deeply
"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post
"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior
"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares
"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.
"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all
".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity
this is prime proof that this ENTIRE WEBSITE is autistic because nowhere else would a no tags post that's just an informative list about slang get this much traction.
anyway more addittions
“30-50 wild hogs” for someone making ABSURD excuses for violence.
“what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament” for how do you know that without being a part of it.
“anyone in this thread smoke weed” for the shit you people are saying is so off topic this might as well be a general discussion forum
“dogs are boys and cats are girls” for ooh ur mindset did not grow past 4th grade, huh
“color theory in a childrens hospital” for bending over backwards to not agree that YEA, that thing Came Off Weird
“you are a tar pit” for someone finding any reason to respond with outrage.
“is the __ in the room with us right now?” for I Don’t Think That’s Real.
“bean soup? im allergic to beans!” for ik this doesn’t work for you, but that’s not a flaw. not everything can be for you.
“people irl: hey man hows it going” for this will Never Matter irl
listen i'm not advocating for exotic animals as pets, but i really just feel like cheetahs are probably different
i feel like we need to give them another shot as housebeasts
this is a critter who wants greenies and then to take a nap on the couch next to me, and i KNOW it
cheetah in House perfec t size for put inside! inside very Soft and Comfort cheetah sleep soundly put cheetah in House. Put Cheetah In House. no problems ever in cheetah in ho use because good Happy and Satisfy for human where sleep. House yes a place for a cheetah put cheetah in house can trust cheetah for giveing good love to humans in house. friend cheetah
I mean, as someone who as worked in a zoo, this is fairly true.
Obvious disclaimer that you shouldn't have wild animals as pets.
But like, cheetahs are the only large cats that keepers will do free contact with. Hell, even most small cats don't get free contact. (Because small cats can be VICIOUS. They'll have a baby pallas cat wearing thicker gloves than when handling an owl. Because small cats can just be vicious.)
Like I think the only other cat at our zoo where I've seen free contact with was servals? Because I know they've used servals in shows to demonstrate their natural jumping ability. But I know servals can sometimes have a mean temper as well. Meanwhile they'll do the cheetah run and afterwards put the mic by the cheetahs and it's just like an engine with them purring. It's fascinating to watch when the message in every other large animal is "no free contact because it's dangerous even when they're born in captivity".
Legit if any wild animal could be adapted to a pet it would be cheetahs lmao. Only problem is they can be skittish and very anxious and that's why they're often raised around dogs in zoos to gain confidence.
congrats, i award you funniest take on this post
i am. so sorry if i have ever used the phrase “i have an au where—” and led you to believe that there is an actual fic out there for you to read rather than, at best, a post where i explain the concept, and at worst it is simply something that lives in my brain
if it helps i also wish there was a fic
Major huge ginormous fan of the last two SuperBowl halftime shows being celebrations of culture and looking directly into the camera during the biggest televised event of the year just to say "Fuck fascism, America is mine, too"
Yeah, this year the Superbowl said, "DID I FUCKING STUTTER?!?"
current state of the internet is a FUCKING EMBARASSMENT. was chatting with my grandma bout the history of crochet and knitting (and the comparative ages of those respective technologies) and i was like "oh YEAH and also that ancient greek fiber art we partly figured out from chemically testing the scoured bleached pigments of stolen statuary (tumblr knows what im talking about)—gimme 30 seconds to look up the name."
5 minutes and 3 search-engines later i am crying tears of blood screaming spitting blubbering in despair as my grandma attempts to digitally pat me consolingly on the back. the library of alexandria didn't burn it was "restructured" to "increase shareholder profits"
and i STILL CANNOT FIND THE TERM.
i am scouring the internet like the victorians scoured and destroyed all trace of joy and color from stolen relics for the LOST NAME OF THE ANCIENT PROCESS of textile-creation akin to knitting/crocheting/nålebinding that at least one academic/crafter used to recreate the leggings on this Glorious Motherfucker:
the google execs erased it. they bleached my bestie AGAIN from history...
is this of any use
SO IT IS!!!
Archer statue from the Temple of Aphaia (ca. 480 BC) next to a reconstruction of its original paint job:
The leggings and sleeves would have created using a method called SPRANG which predates knitting and is over 3,000 years old. What's even sexier is modern artisans managed to recreate the entire outfit using the original method!
Mmm-HMM, love me a shapely thigh in harlequin hosiery. Put👏men👏in👏clingy-ass👏clothing👏again👏👏👏
Unfortunately english sources are hard to find, partly because Google's a shithole, but also because this textile project comes from a German museum, in Germany, where people tend to speak (and publish) in German. That said, the original link is to a short-but-sweet article I would have had no problem finding in 30 seconds a mere few years ago. fortunately i have clever beautiful insane people following me, but alas not everyone has such luxury. thanks to everyone in the notes who shoved themselves down this rabbithole with me!
in conclusion let us take a moment to sincerely wish Google a very burn in hell🙏
There is a very clear message from this. But damn am I struggling to decide if it's:
"Put👏men👏in👏clingy-ass👏clothing👏again👏👏👏"
Or
"let us take a moment to sincerely wish Google a very burn in hell 🙏"
everyone in the notes seems to agree on:
The Library of Alexandria didn't burn it was "restructured" to "increase shareholder profits"
thanks to tumblr the phrase "loyal eunuch" has entered my vocabulary and is being applied egregiously. phone got lost in the bedsheets and I murmured, instinctively, beloved eunuch where arst thou?
out loud. to my fucking phone. you people did this to me
manchineel perfec t place for rest under in rain
shade very Soft and Comfort human sleep soundly put human under Manchineel Tree. Put Human Under Manchineel Tree. no problems ever under mancchineel tree because good Taste and Sweet fruit for tired hungry human. Amanchineel Tree yes a place for a human put human under manchineel tree can trust manchineel for giveing good shelter to human. friend manchineel
*not pictured: Dooku physically prying a battery out of Qui-Gon’s mouth and Yoda spoon feeding Dooku Batteries.
His Jedi keeps jumping off of extremely tall buildings into active crossfire without armor or a jet pack smh
eeeey
Fascinatingly enough, romanticising small discomforts does make life better. I'm on my way home and suffering a Mild Headache Of Unverified Origins (top 5 most likely culprits being dehydration, jacket too hot, slept in wrong bed, too much caffeine, too little caffeine) so the best I can do for now is figure out how to enjoy being temporarily mildly miserable.
So I'm sitting in a train staring outside at the faint outlines of scenery only barely visible in the dark, and being Tragic And Dramatic about it. I'm on my way to my lovely home to the love of my life, after having a fun weekend with my friends who love me, but for the next 40 minutes I am going to be theatrically brooding in a train, staring out of black windows, living in a zero budget fan-made amateur music video for Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
This is sincerely why I recommend bone conduction headphones, because the way they play music makes it very clear and audible to you without blocking your ability to hear anything else, so it allows you to experience life as the music video of your choice complete with full quality music and non-musical background sound. It really makes one feel like they’re listening to the soundtrack of their life.
Oh cool, I had already been thinking of getting those for the sake of better safety while wielding a bicycle in traffic, but that's an additional cool bonus.
…you recommend what?
You can turn your own entire skull into your own personal private stereo by conducting music directly into your cranium.
I'm fucking sorry what
Turn your whole headbone into headphone.
Uhhhhhhh how?
By the mysterious ways of wizard shit.
don't have time to draw something new for his special day so here's an old one reposted
@blackkatmagic @secret-engima @north-peach @in-the-gardens-of-inspiration 🤣🤣🤣 get his ass Fox
i love this for me, thanks so much for sharing!
It didn’t feel right without Viktor, so i added Viktor😌
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)
I always need this on my blog.
I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning.
Yes
@kirkfuffle
“God is sorry he made us.”
IT CAME BACK AROUND! OMG i’M DEAD FROM LAUGHTER.
I don’t even eat burritos, but there is no way I’m not reblogging this. I actually cried from laughing so hard.
I dare anyone to read this from the beginning to the end OUT LOUD without laughing. Good luck
“I’m not a fucking pelican.”