Thinking about momma a lot. As I always do in June, the month I lost her. But this time, it's a little different.
Yesterday was the 15th. On June 15th, 2005, she had no idea that a week later she'd fall to the floor and try her hardest to survive. Her heart gave out. She was 34 years old.
I knew that turning 34 myself this year would bring up so many thoughts, emotions and feelings. A lot of crying, being angry and wanting to be alone too.
I won't write about this too much anymore, because I feel like I'll have done all the typing I can before my keyboard is damaged from tears. I chuckled a little just then. I'm glad I can still laugh. It's medicine.
But I do wonder what am I going to do on the 22nd? How will I keep the thoughts and anxiety from consuming me? I'm not going to die. But fear likes to scream otherwise. Ugh. I really wish I didn't suffer this way mentally. I lost some of my sanity watching my smiling, laughing, seemingly ok just a few minutes ago, beautiful mother suddenly die right in front of me like that. I thought over time maybe it wouldn't affect me this much. It's been 21 years. I cry as if it just happened. Seems the hurt is here to stay.
I am going to be ok. June comes, and then June goes. I still believe I'll enjoy my Summer. But if July wants to speed race it's way here, I'd welcome it lol
