Fuck, I'm tired.

🦇25 y/o mentally ill goth lesbian 🦇 she/her learning to live w/bpd - focused on healing, personal growth, & learning to enjoy my life vent & personal blog diary

[living-w-bpd]

Trigger Warning

This is a recovery based blog but recovery isn't linear. This is an outlet for me to vent as well so sometimes I post potentially triggering content. This may include content about dissociation/derealization/depersonalization, self harm, suicide, domestic violence, child abuse, child neglect, horder houses, & sa.

I do my best to tag every potentially triggering post with trigger warnings but please tell me if I'm missing a tag I want my blog to be a safe space.

[weltenwellen]

Rainer Maria Rilke, Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God

[sproutlett]

forgive yourself again and again and again and again and again

[living-w-bpd]

My 19 year old little brother showed me an essay he wrote about his definition of a hero, someone who makes personal sacrifice for the benefit of others.

He wrote about me.

Me.

I....I don't understand. I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a survivor who barely got out of that damn place alive.

According to him, I fit the description of a hero bc "she sacrificed her childhood, safety, physical, and mental health for me and my [other] sister". This was a 1000 word essay. He wrote about every time he remembers me standing up for him or protecting them both from dad or taking the beatings for them, caring for our terminally ill mother, and when I helped him with his addiction struggles.

I had no idea I made such an impact on him & I'm so grateful for this validation as I've been scapegoated by my entire family my whole life. But I'm also terrified bc now I feel pressure to never let him down. I feel like I don't deserve this title of a hero.

I also feel like he's putting me on a pedestal more than he holds our dad accountable. Besides, I didn't choose to sacrifice my childhood. I had no choice because of our dad's failings. I didn't choose to be the confrontational one. I couldnt control it. I didn't choose to be beaten up all the time. Yes I made sure he never hit yall but yall also knew better than to provoke him like I did.

Idk man I have a lot of mixed feelings about this

[pallmallsandashtrays]

[dearinnerthoughts]

[living-w-bpd]

The abandonment hits harder during this time of the year.

[living-w-bpd]

How am I supposed to trust anyone when everyone I've gotten close to has betrayed me?!

Why do you get a second chance but I don't???

I hate him. I fucking hate him. I'm glad he's alone. I hope he rots alone.

[pallmallsandashtrays]

[vixensofdeath]

I love and hate when I feel nothing. I go through periods where my mind is radio silent and where I don’t lash out. I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m just nothing. It’s nice to feel nothing until my life is consumed by it. I crave to feel something, because numbly staring out into space gets boring and makes me feel fake. But, when I do feel, it’s all I feel. It’s always so intense and I never get a break. I just want to feel and think normally without having these thoughts take over and ruin everything for me. I hate feeling broken, why can’t I just be normal?

[pallmallsandashtrays]

[only-knives]

get in bitches, we're surviving rock bottom no matter how much further we dig. one day we'll put down the shovel and climb out of this for good. we have to. as long as we're still alive there is hope.

[living-w-bpd]

I wanna rip the fucking bones out of my body

[living-w-bpd]

I'm so tired of not being able to tell what is real and what my triggered brain is telling me.

Logically I know they're a wonderful person. I love them soooo fucking much. I feel grateful for them every day. They bring out the best version of me and push me to grow while supporting me through my mental illness and accepting me for who I really am. They are able to separate my mental illness from my personality. I'm so lucky to have them I really am.

But when I split, holy fuck. I start thinking that they don't care about me and they're just waiting to leave. My brain tells me that they're putting me through the same bullshit my abusers put me through. I compare this situation to those and my brain tells me to leave but I don't actually wanna leave but I don't wanna go through what I went through again. It was awful.

Then I go into a rage episode that continually feeds itself until we take some space to breathe and collect ourselves.

I'm so fucking tired. They don't deserve how I treat them when I split. I don't deserve to keep reliving my trauma over and over.

I HATE bpd.

[bl0w-m3]

Growing up undiagnosed really affects you.

Inside there will always be a little kid who didn’t understand why everybody was so mean to them.

[traumasurvivors]

A lot of people focus on saying how strong you are. And they mean well. And sometimes it’s the reminder we need.

But sometimes… it’s the exact opposite of what we need to hear.

So, here’s a reminder if you need it. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to need to take a break. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to crumble. Your worth does not change. It’s okay if you don’t want to be strong. You are worthy whether you’re weak or strong.

[bpdshithole]