Modern Dating

A 30-something woman, navigating the highs and lows of dating in the 21st century.

[londondatingqueen-blog]

Loving yourself..

I’m sure everyone who’s ever had a period of single-dom has been told “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”, or some variation on that theme. There is certainly some truth in this, in that the more confident you feel and the more you appreciate yourself, the more someone else will understand and appreciate you and your value. This is something I have had particular difficulty with.

I have really underestimated my value for....most of my life. In recent years, I have continued to under-value myself even more - partially due to dating, the constant rejection and the fact that men often want to date me for one thing (and that only). It is hard to remember our value when it is pinned to how others see you, which has been my issue. I have always had a hard time saying no to people who have been interested in me because I have assumed that maybe no-one would ever like me again. I have had horrible, life changing experiences and I have had men tell me they were my fault, or that they weren’t as bad as I have made them out to be (that I’ve played the victim, or capitalised on what has happened to make myself out to be vulnerable). Those men aratte absolutely not worthy of spending a second of time with me, but they have also reminded me that I don’t want to continue devaluing myself.

I have found several things helpful in the process of trying to improve my own self worth.

1) Therapy. This isn’t for everyone, sure. I have found it really helpful, to take apart things that have happened to me and work through how my previous relationships have shaped my approach towards men and dating now. It’s difficult, and it unearths all sorts of things, but actually sometimes you need that to take it back to basics and remember how great you are. 

2) Shut down the negative thoughts. This is crazy hard. I now try and balance out the negative with something good - it’s sometimes the most challenging thing, but once you can appreciate there are some good things about yourself, it gets a little easier. Even if you use the same good thing for a week, it’s totally fine. 

3) Do things for you. I make sure I am now saving some time for just me - whether this is a face mask in the evening, or dying my hair or just going for a walk. It’s important to remember that you need some time for yourself, without interruptions, without thinking about other people and giving yourself time to process what’s going on in your life. I find the gym super helpful for this, but it is also something to help me de-stress from my job. I also know too many people in my gym, and I’m easily distracted by eyeing up interesting people or watchin the most horrendous weight-lifting form >.< 

4) Surround yourself with amazing, supportive people. Don’t surround yourself with those who are bringing you down, or who don’t value you as a person. You are amazing, and you are you. The best form of you, and the only form of you. Those around you should bring you up, support your dreams and be HONEST with you. We should be supporting ourselves and each other, peer-togetherness is so important and often forgotten about.

I have found that it’s really difficult to remind yourself of all the worth you have, and all the value you bring, when someone is messing you around. Especially when you really like that person. BUT it is so much better to be true to yourself, and I live in hope that the right person will see that value and show themselves to be worthy of my time.

I’m still waiting... 

[londondatingqueen-blog]

Bad dates...

Now, I have been dating a long time. I have had a LOT of dates. Sometimes I rematch with people that I have dated and I have zero recollection of them (probably should’ve stopped dating at that point, but some people are literally unremarkable - sorry, but it’s true). Some of those dates have been incredible, and led to further dates (and more...), but they make far less interesting stories!

I’ll list you some of my top five favourites here! Not in order of crazy, but in some sort of chronological order!

1) My first ever date after my ex and I split up was with a guy who had lied about his height, sent a picture that was over 4 years old AND rambled on about his advertising course for 4 hours. Not one single positive thing came out of his mouth - he hated the people, he disliked the course because he felt like he wasn’t getting all the attention he needed, his adverts weren’t getting good marks, etc. He got hideously drunk, and assumed we would go on another date at the metro station as he exclaimed “why aren’t you waiting to get the metro with me? Why are you getting this one? We can discuss our next date” and I explained that I a) did not want to go on another date, b) did not want to wait on my own at a station on a different line to my stop late at night, and c) I didn’t want to spend any further time with him...

It didn’t go down well. 

2) I am into computer games, and I went on a date with a guy who made computer games and had moved over from the States. He was also totally into cats, and was super excited to learn I had a couple of my own. I had, prior to the date, said he could meet them because they were so awesome (if he wasn’t completely crazy) and he was really pleased. Amazing! Or so I thought... He spent the whole date trying to one-up my life experiences, and got absolutely hammered (this happens so often, it’s so unattractive!) So then he still wanted to see the cats...and I was still very naive to dating, and unable to say no to seemingly harmless requests for fear of causing offense to anyone! He basically walked into my house, lay on the floor in the sitting room, ignored my housemate and proceeded to play with the cats. He didn’t talk or even look at the two of us while he rolled around the floor, and we were trying VERY hard not to laugh (loudly, anyway). So after about an hour, I asked him to leave...He just stood up, and walked out. No words, no acknowledgement...and that was that!

A number of people don’t look like their photos, and often you can still tell that it’s them...they just perfected an angle, or got smart and picked pictures they could just about get away with. However sometimes it just completely takes you by surprise...

3) I had spoken to a guy for a week or so, met at South Bank. As he walked towards me, I carried on looking for the person I was expecting... As he came up to me, I was taken aback... Not only was he about 4st heavier, with less hair, his face looked completely different! It transpired that he used photos from over four years earlier. He also told me, proudly, how many dates he estimated he’d been on (over 350 first dates...) and that he’d been on First Dates, and further continued to want to best everything I said. He then got hideously drunk and sat slurring his life story at me, while some girls sat behind him giving me looks of pity. He messaged a few days later asking for a second date... I did NOT take him up on that offer.

4) Not a long one, but it was mildly offputting...okay, very offputting. I turned up to a date, and the guy was deaf and English was his secondary language. This would’ve normally been totally fine, if he had told me! But no, he hadn’t even mentioned it at all, so I was then kinda taken aback and had to liaise with the waiter and date because there was a communication block. It just felt super awkward, and I couldn’t face seeing him again. I want to highlight that I have no problem with dating someone who has a disability or any other health condition (I have an extensive mental health history, so who am i to talk!) but if it is going to be a surprise on a first date, it’s probably worth mentioning so no-one feels awkward!

5) My most recent failure was a guy who I spoke to on the phone for nearly two hours, which is unheard of for me. We also chatted all day, every day via text for a week. Then we met. What a difference a meeting can make!! He had planned out an incredible date - it was well thought out, meticulous even. Everything had to run to clockwork. He ordered for me (a pet hate, but not a deal breaker), we rushed through dinner and headed to a bar. We could just about fit in two drinks before we had to go to crazy golf. The hurrying I can cope with. It was the sheer rudeness while crazy golfing that I could not. He was slagging everyone off, loudly, in earshot. Whinging about how slow they were, how rubbish at crazy golf they were. He kept trying to overtake everyone, instead of just waiting his turn. Thankfully I won, I don’t think I could’ve coped any other way... Then another really cool bar, with weird cocktails. He highlighted one that had chocolate all around the glass as being something I must have...we ordered one each. He then proceeded to try and make me feel bad about eating the chocolate, and the chocolate he left... Throughout the night he had been going on and ON about body shape, and the gym and how important it was that a girl looked after herself, and then he was trying to me feel guilty for enjoying some chocolate. No thanks! Unfortunately, I needed to stay at his as I couldn’t get home. He had bigged up his flat so much that when I walked in, and it was little bigger than a bathroom cubicle, I couldn’t help but feel further disappointed. I offered to sleep on the sofa, he said no and that I could have the bedroom. Upon entering the bedroom, I got into bed...and there he was, t-shirt on but boxers off... I reiterated that I wasn’t looking for that, and that I definitely just wanted to sleep. He woke me a number of times, trying to push sex again and after being repeatedly denied, he became grumpy and asked if I’d rather just have a cab home. Thanks mate, but I just want to sleep! Needless to say we didn’t speak again after that, especially after he was particularly unpleasant to the uber driver the next morning. That is never ok.

I’m always fascinated by bad dates, moreso than good ones. I feel they consolidate what you will and won’t compromise on, and what you are actually looking for. I love to hear bad dating stories on my dates even, mostly because it just means you can bond over things that you can’t tolerate and you learn more about that person and what they want from their potential partner. Social psychology and people watching, combined with some drinks/food/crazy golf/cake...and you’ve got a winner, because even if it’s terrible, it’s still a great story!

[londondatingqueen-blog]

This. Every. Single. Time.

And it genuinely doesn’t remember the last time that this was a really bad idea.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Signs that You’re Being Manipulated

1. They twist your words and use them against you.

2. They’re mean – but then they say that you misunderstood them.

3. They make you feel guilty for saying, no.

4. They act cold towards you if you don’t do what they want.

5. You never feel as if you meet their expectations.

6. You feel as if you’re walking on eggshells all the time.

7. You feel very confused by the relationship.

8. You constantly feel anxious about the relationship.

9. You’re not allowed to have your own views and opinions.

10.They cause you to question your sanity.

[londondatingqueen-blog]

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, it’s super important that you let someone know and get out as soon as you can. It’s a destructive pattern, and will leave you feeling isolated and afraid. If you notice your friend is struggling with these things, or that they are withdrawing, not able to come out as much, are constantly trying to seek approval of their partner, please give them a non-judgmental forum to talk to you in. If they can open up, even tiny things at a time, there’s hope they can be helped out of the situation before it becomes overwhelming. 

Look after each other, and yourselves. No-one should make you feel like this. You are amazing. You need to look out for yourself.

[londondatingqueen-blog]

Dating Anxiety

As I briefly touched upon in my last post, dating creates a huge amount of anxiety. Will you match? Will they message? What do you message? Is it okay to message first? Will they reply? How does it proceed from there? When do you give your number? How do you know if they’re a fuckboy? How do you know when they’re interested? Why haven’t they replied? Why are they reading your messages and not replying? Why is WhatsApp so tormenting? Why are they ghosting? How do you broach the subject of exclusivity? How do you stop being anxious? How do you stop coming across as intense? HOW CAN YOU CHILL?

So this isn’t something I’ve really mastered. In three and a half years of singledom, I am still literally the most anxious, highly strung person. I do sometimes come across as intense, but only when I genuinely just like someone Basically, it’s because I want to know where I stand - and that they (hopefully) stand where I do on such matters... I have definitely progressed in this area (although I’m not always sure how much...)  I now excessively text my friends when I want to message the offending gentleman, and I find something to distract me. I am writing a blog, what more distraction do I need?!

I get a bit superstitious when it comes to talking about someone I’m dating too. I don’t know why, I just feel like it automatically fails when I mention them to someone else. The guy I’m currently dating, I really like him, but I have talked about him to a number of people....and now I’m just waiting for it all to collapse in on itself! I know a number of other girls who also feel like this, but at the same time, you need somewhere to vent and discuss and breakdown your fears and anxieties. Over my dating career (and it sure does feel like a second job sometimes) I’m pretty sure my friends have felt every up and down with me! I am very thankful to them for that, and they have definitely saved me from assholes!

I also have generalised anxiety disorder, which definitely doesn’t help matters. I have tried a number of ways of bringing this into dating and using it to explain why I sometimes come across as a bit ‘intense’. As with the other game playing, I hate the way that you have to basically back up why you do and say things. Maybe this is just me; I am a people pleaser and it’s actually really hard to strike the balance between that and self-protection. I always feel like I need to explain myself, especially over text. A number of girl-friends have taught me about self-growth and self-appreciation with regards to dating and not being taken for granted - something I’ve never been good at. It is hard though, when you are totally captivated by someone and you want to do anything to make sure they don’t forget about you! 

I have learned that there is no formula. I now read the situation with regards to disclosing mental health stuff, anxiety is pretty common thankfully so it’s generally received okay. I also read the situation to how they reply, respond to me, how often i get asked for nudes, etc. I generally still run things past my friends, see if I’m being crazy or overreacting, but only if I truly like someone. I just try and distract myself and live in the moment as much as possible; enjoy nights out with your friends, enjoy having the bed to yourself and being able to binge watch Netflix, enjoy doing things for you and not having to factor in someone else. 

If that fails, get a furbaby <3

[londondatingqueen-blog]

Ghosting and game playing..

The learning curve i mentioned in my last post? It is fucking steep. It is like a mountain: trying to climb up, slipping back down, getting stuck in one place and trying to find a different route. The routes that seem to work for someone else just aren't giving you the same (or any results). It's a hard slog, and for big chunks it's not even remotely enjoyable. It's fucking shit.

The game playing is the hardest part of this for me. I hate the bullshit that comes with it as it almost creates an atmosphere of fear, so that the anxiety either tips you over the edge and turns you into a crazed individual or proves you weren't that bothered after all. It is a constant struggle, so I found I just wanted to be myself and see how that went. There seem to be so many games that I have no idea which ones I've played, and so many rules that I'm sure I adhere to very few these days.

1. When do you text?

This seems to be the biggest game being played. This one has been a source of confusion for me, and the jury is well and truly out for a definitive answer.

I am the girl who will double text. I will text what I'm thinking. If i am interested in someone, I genuinely want to actually speak to them and have open communication without these ridiculous barriers. I have been told this is too intense by some guys, and that it's perfect by others. You are never going to please everyone. I decided that being myself and texting when i wanted to (yes - even if they hadn't replied) was the only way that someone was going to know me. I need to be able to approach a potential partner with my daily life, as well as something important, and know equal attention would be given to it....when they have time. I never expect an instant response, but I do want a response at some point.

Which leads me nicely into no.2.

2. Ghosting

I have absolutely done this. I have also been the recipient. It seems to be the most common practice of online dating, and I'm sure its because people don't want to feel responsible for making someone else sad so if they ignore it...it just goes away completely.

What I've found from being ghosted is that it made me crave some sort of closure. I wanted to know what I did wrong, where I could've improved and why I didn't even deserve an explanation. What I learned from ghosting is that actually there isn't usually any definite reason, I just didn't fancy the guy or someone else was just way more interesting.

These findings really have shaped how I proceed now. I absolutely will chase up guys who ghost me after a date, because I think it's just rude not to tell someone that you're not interested when you've spent time with them. I will always tell a guy if we've had a date and it's a non-starter. Realistically we owe each other nothing, however it is polite and shows some compassion to consider someone else's feelings. If you've been texting for two weeks solidly, but then meet someone else, it's just mean to straight up block and delete your original date. Both of you have invested time and energy into thinking and texting, and you actually don't know what else they've turned down or what's going on for them. You've built up some sort of friendship if nothing else so....be nice! Be honest! Just say that you are not interested. It doesn't have to be long, but polite and definite. Then everyone is on the same page and can just get on with life!

[londondatingqueen-blog]

Yep. Shape up or ship off 🤷🏻‍♀️✌🏼

[londondatingqueen-blog]

Modern Dating

I’m a 31 year old woman. 

I have been single for just over three and a half years. It is now getting to the point of giving up.

The longer I am single, the more difficult it is to maintain the patience and resilience level needed to continue dating in this app-based scene..

I do shift work, and it’s often difficult to head out on regular weekend nights out, especially when most of your friends are also shift workers! It is difficult to maintain a regular ‘club’ or class activity due to shifts being released a couple of months in advance. This adds to the difficulty when trying to meet new people, especially those interested in similar activities to you!  

Another thing I’ve noticed about shift work is the other person often gets BORED. They get bored waiting for you to finish a run of four nights so you can meet them. Everything needs to happen NOW, because if it isn’t instantly available it’s an inconvenience and they don’t want to waste time chatting to one person when they could be on a date that night.

My work is also not abundant in single, straight men. Unlike many work places, it’s not really possible to have a little wander and suss out the talent on the 3rd floor. You’re sometimes pretty lucky if you get to the cafeteria in time for there still to be lunch food available!

Dating apps definitely have their place in modern dating for this reason. I have met some amazing, intelligent, funny, attractive men who I wouldn’t otherwise meet; maybe we don’t drink in the same bars, or the same parts of the city, we work opposite hours, we go out on different days. Whatever it may be, the apps bring us together. We have an evening (or several evenings) of laughter, trying a new restaurant or bar, doing a fun activity. We chat, get to know some things about each other. We discuss other dates we've been on, the good and the bad. We finish up the date either going to one of our flats, or we part ways and say “oh we’ll sort something out for date number two!”

THEN REALITY HAPPENS.

You reflect on the date. You discuss it with your housemate, or friends on WhatsApp. You analyse it (I’m a girl, it’s all about the analysis and dissection of the conversation, body language and important facts).

There are two groups of reflection: it was a decent date, or it wasn’t. Fairly straight-forward and logical, sure. But within those two categories there are further subgroups. Maybe it was terrible, and that’s got an easy solution. Maybe you figure it was nice, but you weren’t super into them or there was something you weren't sure about - you can’t put your finger on it - but you don’t think that you’re really that keen on a second date. Maybe you were crazy into it, and you can’t wait for a second date. Maybe it was decent, better than the last couple, and you’ll meet them again for a second run to see how it goes. I am generally up for a second date if it went pretty well, even if I’m not totally convinced yet. I like to give people a chance, and some get crazy first date nerves so by round two I’m hoping they’re a bit more relaxed.

However, it’s just not that simple is it? It’s not just how you feel, they’re also thinking about how the date went, did they fancy you, wondering about your dead bug collection, or how long you’ve been single. You might both say you want a second date, but will it happen? Maybe. Even if you both actually want a second date at that time, you might not both have a matching free day for two weeks and conversation wanes in that time or maybe a couple of days pass and actually you’re not that bothered, or maybe you just never hear from them again... It fizzles out and dies an early death. This happens over and over again. It gives you a chance to hone what you want, what you’re looking for, the compromises you’d be willing to make, the absolute no-no qualities you can’t get round. It’s a learning curve.