loser

he/him. 19y. bpd

[wilted-sylleblossom]

why am i never worth fighting for? why do i always have to be the one to let things go?

they say you can't always get what you want, but i never got what i want, not the things that actually matter

more than just eating the food i like or buying the things i want or doing things freely, i crave love

to be loved to the ends of the earth? to be fought for? to be chosen again and again? to live in peace and not in a constant state of questioning my worth? to feel content instead of feeling numb because being not enough is all i've ever known?

why can't i ever be good enough for love? why am i cursed to love and not loved in return?

why do i always have to be the disposable one?

when is it my turn to be fought for?

[angelbabymikaa]

i’ve been diagnosed with needy and annoying disease. i will be put down now.

[thegirlyoud-diiefor-deactivated]

i'm not built for situationships, pls do not speak to me unless u wanna marry me

[lavatorivm-deactivated20180119]

[m3lat0nin]

no, babe, i dont do casual. its mind numbing devotion for all eternity or nothing

[uponyourstars]

why is it that i'm always the clingy one? the obsessive one? the "we'll be together forever" one? the "if you leave, i might kill myself" one?

i want— no, need someone to match my freak. there's no room to question the other leaving because we're all we need from eachother! you're mine and i'm yours. it's not just a fact, it's a promise.

[longquietloser]

im pathetic

[a-healthy-dose-of-apathy]

i am once again grieving something i never had

[a-healthy-dose-of-apathy]

might cancel this whole healing thing and start listening to the voices

[nofuckingideawho]

I miss loving without being scared I'm too much

[nofuckingideawho]

it would've been better for everyone if I had stopped having a heartbeat years ago

[longquietloser]

its a curse. even tho i dont believe in shit like that i am out of logical explanations

[longquietloser]

theres only one thing that i want in this world and i know i will never fucking have it. what do i have to do to be loved how i love? im so so tired of trying. they only start loving me when im suffering and even then its not enough for them... or sometimes its too much. but its never the right amount

[youwillleaveme]

i am so fucking alone why doesn’t anybody care about me

[longquietloser]

wait...

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless

[longquietloser]

and I still can't help blaming myself for being like this. fucking hell