12th day of Second Seed, 583 2E
Why is it that just when life has begun to be bright and wonderful again someone must always come along and tarnish it.?
I was whole. I was happy. Being away from Daggerfall with all its expectations and responsibility has breathed a new life into my lungs and left my heart warm and open as it once was. Letting go of this ridiculous and impossible need to ensure everyone else's happiness has helped me to finally find my own. These past weeks I have laughed much and loudly, like I once did when I was a child.
I do not feel like a child anymore.
My state of mind has made it that much easier to lend my attention to the task at hand: finding a cure for Xavier and what ails him. Sometimes it seems I am constantly attempting that feat. First at the masquerade, again at the tournament, and now this. The man has a close relationship with violence, or perhaps the worst luck I've ever had the privilege to witness. In either case, I spoke words of promise to Therian and I will see it done...though now, I must find a way to do it twice.
Nissa visited me this evening. I expected her arrival, given the missive she'd sent ahead in a rare display of courtesy. Perhaps we are both beginning to understand each other better, but I am too far grown now to continue to put false hope in miracles. Edric was present for this meeting, as he so often is these days. I see no reason for such formal measures but the least I can do is follow Alaric's wishes in his absence. It's a silly notion, but when the soldier is near I feel that much closer to my brother and I believe that is why I call upon his company so often for mundane chores such as this one though in this particular instance it proved to be a mistake of my sentimental nature.
I had no reason to expect issue between the two of them. After all, to my knowledge, they've only met on two occasions though it would seem my brother has spoken his mind on more than this. There is a tension in Edric around her, as if he knows something I do not. I find that unsettling, but with all the secrets Alaric has kept from me but seen fit to tell others I am utterly unsurprised.
Secrets are dangerous, dark things. They devastate. They destroy. I have always endeavored to have none to give, though have not always been successful. Alaric's secret was brought to life in the worst of ways; through lips not his own and covered in a simmering anger. Anger I understand, for I have never been so furious as I was in that particular moment. Furious, but underneath, devastated.
All those years of separation now make perfect sense. The distance he forged between himself and all of us. His moods, his mannerisms, his reactions....they all make sense now, when it is too late for me to offer any sort of comfort but poorly recorded tales of witches and rituals that may or may not hold truth.
The venom which stings me most, however, was the fact that Alaric could not trust me with this when he obviously trusted so many others.
When he wonders why I keep company with our dear cousin when he hates him so, I would have to reference this. Therian has never treated me like a child, shielding me as if I cannot handle the reality of this life. He seeks my council and trusts my words, and it only leads me to wonder why my own -family- is so broken that we would sooner turn to explosive outsiders than each other. I think that is an answer I will never know.
I wanted to set Edric on fire.
I'm sure everyone present thought that I stepped into the conflict on Nissa's behalf, and that's partially true. I realize the woman probably doesn't need my help, but I am obligated to give it...especially when such a sudden eruption of violence occurs in my own home.
What they aren't aware of is the bigger part of my mind which screamed to do anything in my power to just make him stop talking. If I could stop him, maybe none of it would be true. If I could hurt him, maybe I'd at least feel better about it if it was.
I don't like this new part of myself. It's terrifying. It isn't who I am. I am the girl who just hours before ran through the forest just to feel the fresh air burn my lungs and tug at my hair. I am the girl who found peace and happiness in the lazy warmth of an afternoon sun. I am the woman who laughed easily and without reservation. I am the woman who offers healing, forgiveness, and love. I am not vengeful. I do not spite others. I will not, no matter how tempting, allow myself that urge again.
I will speak to Nissa more tomorrow about the Wyrd sisters. Gaining their knowledge is even more imperative now than it was before. Edric remains in my service despite every attempt made to dismiss him. He insists such outbursts will be restrained in the future, but I don't trust him.
I don't know if I trust anyone, anymore.
My own secrets will remain with me, always, where they can warm my heart without burning those around me. Those that I cherish. This instance has taught me that there is no other way.