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@loreleikingsley
Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.
The Little Prince (via psych-facts)
12th day of Second Seed, 583 2E
Why is it that just when life has begun to be bright and wonderful again someone must always come along and tarnish it.?
I was whole. I was happy. Being away from Daggerfall with all its expectations and responsibility has breathed a new life into my lungs and left my heart warm and open as it once was. Letting go of this ridiculous and impossible need to ensure everyone else's happiness has helped me to finally find my own. These past weeks I have laughed much and loudly, like I once did when I was a child.
I do not feel like a child anymore.
My state of mind has made it that much easier to lend my attention to the task at hand: finding a cure for Xavier and what ails him. Sometimes it seems I am constantly attempting that feat. First at the masquerade, again at the tournament, and now this. The man has a close relationship with violence, or perhaps the worst luck I've ever had the privilege to witness. In either case, I spoke words of promise to Therian and I will see it done...though now, I must find a way to do it twice.
Nissa visited me this evening. I expected her arrival, given the missive she'd sent ahead in a rare display of courtesy. Perhaps we are both beginning to understand each other better, but I am too far grown now to continue to put false hope in miracles. Edric was present for this meeting, as he so often is these days. I see no reason for such formal measures but the least I can do is follow Alaric's wishes in his absence. It's a silly notion, but when the soldier is near I feel that much closer to my brother and I believe that is why I call upon his company so often for mundane chores such as this one though in this particular instance it proved to be a mistake of my sentimental nature.
I had no reason to expect issue between the two of them. After all, to my knowledge, they've only met on two occasions though it would seem my brother has spoken his mind on more than this. There is a tension in Edric around her, as if he knows something I do not. I find that unsettling, but with all the secrets Alaric has kept from me but seen fit to tell others I am utterly unsurprised.
Secrets are dangerous, dark things. They devastate. They destroy. I have always endeavored to have none to give, though have not always been successful. Alaric's secret was brought to life in the worst of ways; through lips not his own and covered in a simmering anger. Anger I understand, for I have never been so furious as I was in that particular moment. Furious, but underneath, devastated.
All those years of separation now make perfect sense. The distance he forged between himself and all of us. His moods, his mannerisms, his reactions....they all make sense now, when it is too late for me to offer any sort of comfort but poorly recorded tales of witches and rituals that may or may not hold truth.
The venom which stings me most, however, was the fact that Alaric could not trust me with this when he obviously trusted so many others.
When he wonders why I keep company with our dear cousin when he hates him so, I would have to reference this. Therian has never treated me like a child, shielding me as if I cannot handle the reality of this life. He seeks my council and trusts my words, and it only leads me to wonder why my own -family- is so broken that we would sooner turn to explosive outsiders than each other. I think that is an answer I will never know.
I wanted to set Edric on fire.
I settled for the rug.
I'm sure everyone present thought that I stepped into the conflict on Nissa's behalf, and that's partially true. I realize the woman probably doesn't need my help, but I am obligated to give it...especially when such a sudden eruption of violence occurs in my own home.
What they aren't aware of is the bigger part of my mind which screamed to do anything in my power to just make him stop talking. If I could stop him, maybe none of it would be true. If I could hurt him, maybe I'd at least feel better about it if it was.
I don't like this new part of myself. It's terrifying. It isn't who I am. I am the girl who just hours before ran through the forest just to feel the fresh air burn my lungs and tug at my hair. I am the girl who found peace and happiness in the lazy warmth of an afternoon sun. I am the woman who laughed easily and without reservation. I am the woman who offers healing, forgiveness, and love. I am not vengeful. I do not spite others. I will not, no matter how tempting, allow myself that urge again.
I will speak to Nissa more tomorrow about the Wyrd sisters. Gaining their knowledge is even more imperative now than it was before. Edric remains in my service despite every attempt made to dismiss him. He insists such outbursts will be restrained in the future, but I don't trust him.
I don't know if I trust anyone, anymore.
My own secrets will remain with me, always, where they can warm my heart without burning those around me. Those that I cherish. This instance has taught me that there is no other way.
Nick Hornby, How to be Good
I swear, at this rate, we're heading there.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like outside of the Kingsley family?
((Sorry Anon! Just got back to internet after a week of vaca!))I would be a liar if I said I had never wondered what life would be like outside the rules and standards of propriety my family name demands. I've had many dreams of leaving them to make my own way in this world, one way or another...but the truth is that more than anything in this life I love them. Each and every Kingsley holds a special place in the deepest corners of my heart, and no matter our differences I know I would not be a complete person without them.
Weeks has passed since the meeting and even more since Nissa found herself bitten by one she is supposed to call her friend. Even though one thought the foundation of this project to be stable would it appear as if I was gravely mistaken. There were so many things that I did not consider and with the instability of my own ‘brother’ has this entire cause taken a turn that I could never so much as forsee. Even now I find myself at a crossroad where any decision I make only seems to breed consequences that I am not willing to face. The simplest course of action would definitely be to completely eradicate this foul pack that Xavier speaks of once and for all. Their existence has already caused enough harm to my plans and letting them linger for much longer seems to be nothing but a nuisance.
Perhaps it is a challenge that we need. Something to unify what we currently have and turning all these individual sects into one firm collective that’ll more effectively bring the cause together and set it on its proper path. Of course it will be a difficult task but it is one that I deem necessary for the sake of finishing what I have started. With Emeri now being absent and Xavier’s mind not being that of his own I can do nothing but to hope that Nissa does as she is told and that Lorelei comes through with her objectives.
That being said I cannot fully expect each and every piece of the puzzle to fit perfectly. I await many struggles along the way and all of them will be conquered in one way or another. A man’s mind is never something I can fully predict for all acts differently under varying circumstances. My brother is a perfect example. Once a proud knight now turned into a savage beast that hunts for the sake of satisfying a supernatural being. A being that no sane man would even acknowledge as their superiour. Then again, Xavier is far from being a sane man by now and even though there’s hope I’ve already made the decision that if he does not wander off the road which he follows soon… I’ll personally make sure that his soul is put to rest.
Darker thoughts aside I must say that I have begun to find stability in my daily life. If one ignores the previously mentioned obstacles then I’d say that things have calmed down. The departure of Alaric was perhaps partially the reason as to why I am not as disorientated these days. The fact that the ceaseless bickering within my family has finally come to an end also brings me relief. Lainie studies calmly in Wayrest with both me and Lorelei keeping an eye on her whilst Lysara, just like her brother, disappeared. With the history that they both carried with myself I am relieved that such trouble is now gone and replaced with a family I can rely on instead of having a constant fear that they will do something foolish where I must later be the one to clean up their mistakes.
That along with the fact that I’ve found someone who grants me a peace of mind. One of those rare gems few men manages to ever come to obtain. An anchor for my every choice that keeps my mind focused and without second thoughts. Even though my pride refuses to admit it openly I can safely say that she is one of the reasons as to why I manage to remain in control. With all these adversity I know that had it been two years ago things would have turned out much different from what it is today. However, even with such reassurance I cannot begin to think of what the future holds.
Don't dare me
Let’s play "Have you ever?". You ask me and I have to answer you, yes or no.
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.
Paul Boese (via quotethat)
Top 5 Friday
It's been a while. I'll try it. Ask me about my top 5 ______ and I'll send one back. Anything goes.
Ann Aguirre, Wanderlust
Submitted by randomkiwibirds.
29th day of Rain's Hand - 583 2E
Dizzying. Intoxicating. Unrelenting. These are all words that could be used to describe my days since my arrival in Wayrest just a few short weeks ago. Before that journey, I felt empty and numb. Useless. Now, I hardly have time to tend to the most basic of needs before my time is filled once more.
I have purpose again. I have meaning again.
I feel happy again.
I was unsure if such a thing would ever be possible once Alaric's letter arrived, confirming in written word what I have known and denied all along. Our family is shattered, broken...perhaps beyond repair. My sister is gone, vanished as if she'd never existed. My brother has been recalled to the warfront, and there is a small part of me that suspects he has found some relief in this though his associate speaks otherwise. I suspect it because I understand it, because we are more alike then I have ever noticed before. After all, was not this journey to Wayrest my own version of escape?
For so long I have been blinded by this vision of earlier days when laughter reigned and the only division between the younger Kingsley generation could be attributed to childish antics. I wanted so badly for everyone to be united again that I poured all of myself into seeing them happy, to trying to fix what I could not, to bridge gaps only to see them torn open once more by someone else's hand. Though I have failed, I find it is almost a relief to have it over...at least, for a time.
I need not feel guilty for indulging my own desires. I can no longer spite myself only to be crushed by others for my effort. I am not strong enough to bear this burden any longer.
My work for the Order grows more demanding with each passing day. When word of the attack on Nissa did finally reach my ears, I gathered Edric and made the trip to North Point in haste. It is not in my nature to let another suffer, no matter my personal opinion. What is that saying...
"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."
I still do not know the result of my efforts...not for certain, but I have reason to be hopeful. I still have not had the time to inquire on Lainie's presence within the manor, or to ask for her help with the duty Therian has tasked me with. She has seen enough now that I am doing her no favors by shielding her, and could instead put her remarkable curiosity to use.
I have sent a missive to Yurah - a young woman I have recruited to keep the ledgers for the trading company, though hope to initiate in time - and will request her assistance as well. All accounts of a cure for Lycanthropy I have been fortunate enough to find are vague or simply impossible. Children's tales. It is more imperative than ever that I locate something, -anything- that can help us...both for Nissa should she turn and the other who dwells within our folds to prevent this happening again. This is what my cousin has asked of me, and this is what shall be done.
Cinnamon was my mother’s favorite scent. She said it reminded her of days on the caravan, trading from city to city across Alik’r. When I was younger, she told me stories about her dancing around the fires of camps, how she’d make coin and admirers in the same night. How she felt free while...
'It's impossible,' said pride. 'It's risky,' said experience. 'It's pointless,' said reason. ‘Give it a try,’ whispered the heart.
author unknown (via pureblyss)
I woke to the flickering of candle light upon my face. A damp smell upon the tip of my nose as I shifted in bed slowly but surely to stretch my tired body out under the sheets. It felt like weeks stuck downstairs in the basement of Therian’s family home after I was told relocating me behind...
