@lovedlily asked: " Remember everything I taught you... W-When I'm gone. Promise me?.. " dying guizhong ask <3
blood has never bothered morax before. countless times, he's spilled it without a second thought and no remorse. but now it's hers. it stains his hands and the white of his robes and the point of his spear now that he's torn it from her body, and nothing he tries will ever wash away the sight. guizhong struggles to speak in his arms, soft voice broken to pieces by shallow gasps. they both know she doesn't blame him for this. she was in pain before he even arrived, and finishing the job was as merciful as he could have possibly been. at the same time, he takes full responsibility for allowing her to be hurt in the first place. had he just been a little faster, more attentive, this wouldn't have happened. he wouldn't have to let her go.
slowly, with a touch far too gentle for someone like him, he rests a hand over the one she cups his cheek with and squeezes his eyes shut. " i won't forget, i promise, " he says, not even bothering to hide the shake in his voice. sadness isn't something he's used to expressing. now, though, it seems he has no control over it. never before has anything pushed him to tears, and he wishes it had stayed that way. the last thing she sees from him shouldn't be so pitiful.
he hears everything that follows all too clearly. she exhales, shaky and quiet, and doesn't breathe in again. her heartbeat slows to a stop, and the silence that follows tears his heart to shreds. the hand against his cheek has since gone limp, yet he refuses to let it go. if anything, he holds it tighter, hopes that maybe if he holds it long enough then maybe he'll feel movement. maybe he'll wake up from this horrible dream and realize she was alive and well by his side. nothing ever happens, and he's forced to reopen his eyes and see how lifeless hers are now.
soon enough, he feels her crumble against his face and slip between his fingers, soft skin dissolving into fine dust. the sight of death is nothing new; countless corpses have laid before him in the past, and morax never batted an eye. where he alone kneels in the field of wilting lilies, it's like there had never been anyone else there with him. somehow, seeing nothing at all is worse than having proof that someone is gone.
time passes, though he's not sure how long. all sounds of distant battle have since been drowned out, muffled entirely by the sound of his lonely heartbeat and shaky breathing, and there is no way to know if it's getting closer or drifting farther away. he doesn't care. if it's leaving him, good. leave him to mourn in peace. if not, so be it; let the war come back to him, give him a method of letting out the anger he can't direct at himself forever. let him tear apart those who took guizhong from him.
( nothing ever comes and the anger fades in time, so all there is to do is grieve. he wonders if he truly would have had the will to fight, or if he would have let himself fall with her. it's for the best that he was left alone. )
when he finally, finally attempts to stand, his fingers brush against something at his side. it's something small, barely noticeable, yet it grabs his attention anyway. in the midst of the heartache, he had almost forgotten the gift she had left him. a catalyst, forged from sturdy stone and entrapped within a bright ring. he remembers how excited she had been while forging it, talking on and on about her work with a smile. it would have been impossible not to hang onto every single word she said. according to her, all of her wisdom was contained within it, and it was up to him to unlock it, somehow.
her wisdom always far exceeded his, her puzzles far too complex for someone more focused on war than strategy. now, as he clutches it tight within his hands, he vows to make an effort. surely she would have loved to see him understand, and to see things the way she did. guizhong was everything he isn't... but perhaps he could change. a promise was made to remember everything she taught, and he would keep it until his dying day. his word was not to be broken.
guizhong always wanted morax to learn how to be kinder and to adore those they ruled over. to honor her memory, to make her proud even in death, he would start now.
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