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I found myself constantly writing little snippets of things that will never see a bigger story, so I figure, why not chuck them into the tumblr void and see what happens?
Wow the response so far has been so nice and welcoming! Thank you all! I actually made this as a secondary blog, but now that I'm realizing its limitations I'm going to sort of switch it over to a new email as best I can so it can get the full benefits of a primary. Bear with me for a minute!
So a bit of context for this piece. I wrote this as a way to get into my protagonist’s head. Consider this like a diary entry or a letter that Lucy would never send to James. It tells the full story of them, from her perspective, through flashes of moments that stood out to her specifically. Hope you enjoy!
I remember when you first caught my attention. It was that day in the computer room. Stephen was out and I was too awkward to talk to anyone. I sat at my computer, clicking half-heartedly through a fashion website. You were to my left. I was ignoring you. I wasn't supposed to talk to you at all so I kept to myself. I made sure not to look when your actions filled my periphery. I struggled to keep my eyes glued to the screen as you moved around in your seat. That is when the rubber band hit the side of my face. That broke my concentration, very effectively I might add. I reached down and retrieved the band from it's position on the floor. I remember that the band was blue and worn looking. I flicked my eyes up to meet yours and you broke out in a grin. That was when I broke my promise to Stephen. I talked to you and actually enjoyed it. I found myself genuinely laughing as you said little phrases in Russian. It had been a long time since someone who wasn't Laurence had made me laugh like that. It frightened me a bit. As I left the room, Maria caught my arm. Eyebrows scrunched, glasses sliding down her nose, lips pursed. "Stephen won't like that". I remember not giving a damn what he thought for the first time ever.
~~~~
I remember sitting in front of you in Mr. Murphy's classroom. Your writing notebook was out on the desk and I peeked at it curiously. You had mentioned that you liked writing and I was bursting with interest. I wanted to read it so badly and you obliged. I remember skimming through the pages and noting the melancholic tone of the whole thing. I was impressed by your skill and eager to read more. I remember that you named the love interest "El". That didn't sit too well with me, I had a feeling I knew who that was based on. I tried to ignore the slight pang of disappointment in my chest. I smiled and thought about starting my own writing back up.
~~~~
I remember when I finally admitted it to myself. I liked you. There was no point in denying it anymore. You see, I really didn't want to. Liking you would cause drama, drama that I most definitely didn't need. But. There's only so many ways I could tell myself that I was indifferent to your existence. It was when we were in Italy. I was in the red dress. The one I love. It makes me feel pretty. I saw your eyes when I went up to you. They widened ever so slightly, subtle enough that I was the only one who noticed. I remember the feeling of satisfaction I got from that. I had caught your attention. It was then that I let myself acknowledge the feelings that you had stirred up inside of me. I liked you, it was that simple.
~~~~
I remember wanting to get closer to you. In my head, I deluded myself into believing you wanted to get closer to me too. That trip. The adventure centre. Stephen wasn't going and I was relieved. I could talk to you with no guilt. I sat on the bus with Sophie. I saw you sitting right at the back and deliberately picked a seat in the middle. Within three minutes, you were sitting behind me. I remember a smugness settling over me. I pretended that you startled me. The day was great except for one little part. Someone whacked into me and I felt as though a hand was closing around my lungs. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. The collision had triggered a memory that I didn't even know existed. You were there, with the mandatory yellow helmet contrasting against your Slipknot T-shirt. You were confused. You didn't realize what was happening- no one did. I paced back and forward, trying to escape my own mind. You nudged me slightly and made some joke. Then you kept talking to me like nothing was happening. I remember a sense of calm settling over me. I was ok. It had stopped. Because of you. How had you done that?
~~~~
I remember going to Collin's party. You weren't going to be there and I was disappointed. I wanted to see you. You suggested that we meet up as you lived nearby and I was all too keen to. Only, you didn't follow through on that offer. You ignored me. I was confused. I was scared that you thought I was desperate. I was also scared that you were going to hurt me. I had so many scenarios in my mind that Aishlin told me were ridiculous. What if this was some joke you had with your friends? What if you were just looking for an easy shift? What if I was just some joke to you? I pretended I wasn't scared when Stephen warned me but that was just to get him off my case. I couldn't shut my feelings off like I did with all the others. I had lost my ability to feel nothing, when it came to you.
I remember that was the last time I talked to you all summer.
~~~~
I remember feeling hurt. You were ignoring me. That hurt turned into anger fairly quickly. I thought "Screw you". That was the start of my habit of hooking up with random people to get over you. If you didn't want me, fine someone else would. There were a lot that summer, I won't lie. I wouldn't be able to tell you how many. I recall one night in particular, it was bad. I remember being with six different guys and don't get me started on the ones I don't remember. I made mistakes, so many of them. When I got back to school, I remember seeing you for the first time in three months. You said hi to me and Stephen. I grabbed onto his arm. I turned to him and he pulled me in for a hug. My heart had jumped when I saw you, I hated it. I had tried so hard but it hadn't worked. I felt like an idiot.
~~~~
I remember that night in December when you apologized. You explained that it was something you had to deal with, it wasn't my fault. It was all inevitable from then on. Trust me, I was warned once again. You had hurt me but I knew your reason and I understood. I understood better than you could believe. I let myself fall again. Everything was forgotten. You made me happy and I told myself that that was a good reason to keep talking to you. I wanted to open up to you. This was a first for me. Stephen had forced the truth from me, my parents had guilted the truth from me, but you. You made me want to tell you things. It was weird. I remember being completely unprepared for that feeling.
~~~~
I remember actually telling you that I liked you. I doubt you remember it. New Year's Day 2017. You texted me while you were drunk. How did the conversation kick off? You said you'd "bang" me. Your way with words really kicked in while intoxicated. You asked me if I "like liked" you. This is when I started to freak out. You see, I'd never had to admit anything like that before. My face tells everyone what I'm thinking. It's inconvenient but comes in handy. My emotions are read from my facial expressions, easy. No need for me to articulate anything. Then there's you, asking if I had feelings for you. Even though it was obvious to everyone in a ten mile radius of me, you claimed to be completely oblivious. I remember that I began to shake -which won't surprise you now. I was so bad that my cousin thought I was having a night terror. My teeth also chattered but somehow she fell back asleep. When I finally admitted that I did like you, your response was "aw that's cute". You've no idea how much that pissed me off. I was pretty sure you didn't reciprocate my feelings and talking to you was only making me madder. At one stage, you asked me if I'd ever kissed anyone. I told you about five people. I lied. I know. I couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth. You were shocked by that due to my nervousness. It was just you that made me nervous, not kissing. With you, I was terrified but also excited. This was all new. Everything to do with you was new. I hadn't experienced any of this. I asked you if you liked me, even a little bit. You said you obviously did and any anger dissolved. I remember that that was the first time you ever called me lass.
Later that day, you texted me again, except this time you were sober. I was excited to talk to you again. That excitement died fairly quickly. You began to emphasize how drunk you were. You said it a lot of times. You said it so much that doubt started to seep into my thoughts. I felt like you were trying to let me know that you only said that stuff because you were drunk. God, that hurt so badly. I only half replied to you from then. My head was pounding and this confusion wasn't helping. I remember putting my phone away and wishing I hadn't said anything.
~~~~
I remember Valentine's Day very clearly. What happened on this day was a very big deal for me. This was the day that I gave you the full list of reasons I liked you. I had debated whether or not to tell you. On one hand, it was a very open thing to do especially for me and I had no idea how you would react. On the other hand, I've always been a very self-destructive person. I like to do things that would probably end badly for me just to see what will happen. That was part of the reason that I told you. I remember that I gave you quite an impressive list. Once the impulsive part of me was allowed free reign at the keyboard, it just kept going. I remember your reply~" that took balls". Then you kinda left but I didn't mind. I didn't really expect you to reply. I had just dropped this whole load of information. I understood that you probably wanted to process this new information. That isn't the only memory I have of that night.
I remember getting the text. I was texting Sarah. At this stage, Conor and Sarah had their little fan club over us. I didn't mind it really. They only wanted us to be happy so I let them on as long as they never actually interfered. Conor, though, decided to try get Ella into their little fan club. Can we just have a moment of silence to honour the death of his last brain cell? I know that she told you. I know that you went apeshit. You texted Conor and yes, I saw the text. The full thing, within 10 minutes of you sending it. It hurt so bloody much. I didn't realise I could hurt that much at the time (future Lucy giggles at that stupidity.) I memorized the text. It's still ingrained in my memory but I doubt you want me to recite it. What you don't realise is that I had heard words eerily similar to those before. Except, they were said to me. Someone I trusted more than anyone in the world said them.
"Lucy, you're the type of girl that guys want to fuck then never see again. Don't you realise that if I wanted you, I'd have you?" Those exact words were said to me maybe 2 weeks before seeing the text. So now you know why it affected me so badly. Two guys had that opinion, it must have been true. I became kind of wary of you from that day. You were going to hurt me. I knew it. I also felt so stupid because I was just going to let it happen anyway. I remember chiding myself for not learning.
~~~~
I remember getting more drunk texts from you. This time it was after you spent the evening at Ella’s for her birthday. Yes, I knew about that- she liked to keep me informed, even then. You kept trying to get me to take advantage of you. You also kept telling me how much you hated yourself. You don't understand how difficult it was for me to hear this. You kept asking me all these questions. Like if I "wanted you intimately"- your words. You also wanted to know if I'd ever; "be your girlfriend", "kiss you", "send nudes" or "love you". I was getting a bad feeling from all of this. I felt very put-on-the-spot. I began to get very anxious. I remember that you virtually kissed me and then freaked out when I refused to do it back. Honestly, I thought someone had put you up to this as a way to make a fool out of me. I thought that maybe you were sending this to your friends and laughing at me. You started talking about how much you hated yourself again. You asked me to give you more of the reasons that I liked you. At this stage, I was in panic mode. I wasn't ready to give you another reason. I needed to actually prepare to tell you. You weren't giving me that time. You pushed and pushed but I guess drunk you didn't realise that I was reaching my limit. I cracked. It was sudden but I felt it. I was in a corner and I have bad reactions when something is out of my control. I got out of bed, ran to the bathroom and threw up. I sank to the floor then and there, so completely drained. Tears spilled down my cheeks as negative thoughts swarmed my brain. I remember leaning my head against the bath and staring at the ceiling. Eventually, I pushed myself up and went back to bed, grabbing my phone as I did so. Once the tears stopped, I was devoid of emotion. I felt very detached to the situation. I replied to you with some reason but honestly, my heart wasn't in it. I was gone, in that moment, nothing you could say would reach me. I said goodnight but remained awake for several more hours. I remember dreading having to see you on Monday at school, another first for me.
~~~~
I remember getting a text. It was the next day. I doubt you know about this. The subject of the text; you. The sender; let's call them X- I can't disclose the real person’s name, you gotta believe me on this. Anyway, X sent me a text about you. They seemed concerned about your welfare. According to them, I was just a "stupid whore" who "doesn’t deserve" you. I was told that I'd caused unnecessary confusion in your life and that it would be best to leave you alone. I made you sad, constantly and I was too much of a selfish bitch to admit it. I believed every word of it. I assumed that you had told this person that you felt this way. Crushed is not even the word to describe how I felt in that moment. I had to walk away from you. I was the one hurting you all this time. X opened my eyes and I prepared for one of the hardest conversations I've ever had. I remember feeling sick to my stomach at the prospect of what I was going to do.
~~~~
I remember putting a stop to everything. That night, I broke my own heart, never mind yours. I shattered myself. The fact that I had to cause you pain, killed me. I started the conversation with an accusing tone right from the start. I needed it to seem like I was completely done. I wanted you to think I'd had enough. I used the text as an excuse. I blamed you and threw it in your face. The goal was to make you never want to speak to me again. I needed you to hate me. Believe it or not, my outward appearance was completely calm. No one in the house could tell that I was upset. That was when you started to reply. I wasn't prepared for you to fight back. I tried to stay outwardly calm but the turning point came when you said, "you can think what you want lass." It was the lass that got me. For something that always made me so happy to be used in this setting, really threw me. You went there. Instead of processing sadness like a normal human being, I started to get mad. You mentioned that I was looking for a relationship. That was the last straw. You knew nothing about me. You didn't know what was in my head. I had told you nothing. There was no way you could possibly understand how I felt. That's one thing I really hate. People assuming they understand me, like I'm this simple little imbecile. I put on a show and trick everyone but that is far from what goes on in my mind. So when you assumed you had me down, I started to shake. Not from nerves- from anger this time. I continued to be a bitch to you. The impulsive part of me almost said some really nasty things. I stopped myself. I wanted you to hate me but I couldn't bring myself to go as far as I could have. I can be a horrible person. I know how to destroy people with my words and I had to stop myself that night. I remember that I had dance practice right after the conversation. I got dressed and went as normal. I walked into the hall, saw my friend and broke down. She hadn't seen me cry for years, never mind sob. I told her what happened between sobs. When I talked to her about that moment months later, she said that she had never seen me like that. It was one of the worst days of her life because for once I couldn't control myself. The last time she saw me like that in public was at my aunt's funeral. I broke down completely. She kept watching me during the class. I knew she was afraid that I’d start again. I managed to hold it in, at least until I got home. After saying goodnight to my parents, I went to bed. Then I let myself really cry. I hated myself more than ever then. I remember wishing I could just disappear and never feel this way again. I had lost you.
~~~~
I remember another kick to the stomach. The day I found out you were with Ella. Sweet Christ, James. You had to do it. I was walking around the field with Rachel. I was studying for a French test, the verb Pouvoir jumping up at me. That was when I saw you. Sitting side by side, all cuddly. My grip on my book tightened. No, this couldn't be happening. Right then, the sun got too hot. The field got too crowded. You looked too smug. I could have sworn I made eye contact with you but I can't tell if that was just my imagination or not. I looked away and went back to studying but there was so many things going through my head. When I got home, I marched straight out to my sunroom. My French book hit the wall. I stared at where it landed and I soon joined it. I sat there for hours, doing nothing. My dad brought my dinner out to me. I didn't give a fuck as I threw it- plate and all- out the window. I fell asleep there and my dad lifted me to bed. I remember feeling very alone.
~~~~
I remember when Jack started to show an interest in me. The whole group was up in Stephen's house, drinking ourselves into oblivion. I drank a lot, I mean a lot and somehow found myself curled up in his lap for the entire night. That relationship was doomed from day one. When the main reason you get with someone is to get over someone else, you can't really be surprised when it ends in flames. I tried to be into him. I tried so hard. I wanted to be wanted. So I got into a relationship that I didn't want in the first place. I didn't want a boyfriend. I became his property. I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. I don't fare well with being told what to do. It was two months of fun, then four months of hell. After the cute little beginning stage wore off, not even he wanted me anymore- well he wanted one part specifically, without the rest. I wasn't ready for that. He blamed me for this. I "didn't love him as much as he loved me". That was when I told him I didn't love him at all. From then, he only wanted me when he was drunk. Then, he really only wanted sex, all or nothing. He also didn't understand the meaning of no. When I would say no, he would try guilt me into doing stuff. That bullshit wouldn't work on me. The worst time was one night when he got so drunk that he claims to have no recollection of it. I was at his house . He played his usual little tricks except this time I had to physically stop him. No one knows about this. I was able to deal with this because frankly it's not the first time I've had to get out of a situation like that. I went out to his garden and I sat on the path. I couldn't stop my thoughts from going to you. I remember thinking of how much better off you were for not being in my train wreck of a life.
~~~~
I remember going to that party at the very start of sixth year. It was the first big night out in the year and after the summer I'd had, I needed it. I was really excited. I planned my outfit very carefully, I needed to look great. I had a few drinks over the course of a few hours before hand so I was in a happy drunken zone when I arrived. I had been sipping a drink when I saw you walk in. I immediately downed that drink and went to take a few shots. There was no way I could deal with you being there sober. Especially with your girlfriend at your side. I intentionally went over to her when she was talking to Stephen. I intentionally hugged her. I intentionally did it where you could see. I wanted to make you as uncomfortable as possible. From what I saw, it worked. I could see your brain whirling from where I was. I got a lot of satisfaction from that. As far as I was concerned, you deserved it. Later on, when I was dancing near the table that she was sitting on, you got your revenge for that. I could see you over her shoulder but I ignored you. You were whispering with Paul and you both looked very concerned. Then I saw you start to strut over- yes, you strutted- and I knew that I wasn't going to like what was about to happen. You jumped over the table and kissed her, in my face. Ah. What a gem you were. I had no problem with you kissing your girlfriend, it was the fact that you did it right in front of me that annoyed me. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.Then you promptly fled from the table. She turned to me and said "how random, he does that all the time." I laughed and gasped "no way!" No one around me picked up on the sarcasm. You texted me that night and let me know how great I looked. I didn't reply but you let me know that "sober James agrees". I remember wondering what the hell you were playing at.
~~~~
I remember that our Debs was a big turning point for me. Two things became clear to me that night. One; I was still into you. Two; I needed to break up with Jack. The first one came to me while we were in the hotel. The smile. As I walked around one of the tables, I caught your eye. I couldn't help but to break out in a giant smile. You smiled back. In that moment, my vision tunneled. Either side of me, people disappeared and it was just you. I forgot about my boyfriend. I forgot about your girlfriend. I forgot about all complications. It was just you. And me. That simple. I remember that you texted me a few days later and said "that was some smile". That was when I knew that I hadn't just made up the moment. I barely let myself dwell on what that meant. My second revelation hit when we were at the after party. It will shock you to find out that Jack got way too drunk and tried to grope me. Scandalous, so not like him! He basically threw a little hissy fit right then and there. He threatened to leave if I didn't hook up with him. What did I do? I called his mum and told her that he wanted to go home. That pissed him off and I was glad. He went home all mad at me and honestly I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't want to deal with him any longer. At some point in the night, I was talking to you. The conversation lifted what would have been a terrible after party otherwise. I remember wanting to thank you for that.
~~~~
I remember when you finally kissed me. We had been steadily getting closer and closer through the months and it was both amazing and painful. Stephen and Ash wanted me to stop liking you, still do, but they don't know about everything that has happened. I couldn't tell them, I couldn't tell anyone. That day, when we met up, I told Stephen it was for a history project. He was a bit wary but he didn't question me too much. I hadn't intended for anything to happen that day. I just knew that you were upset about something, and I somehow make you feel less sad. Everything was so surreal. I felt like I'd been transported into a movie which kinda makes sense considering both of our flairs for the dramatic. I blame the writer part in both of us. Ironically, I wouldn't be able to tell you how it happened. I went partly into shock. One minute we were standing there, the next thing I knew, you were kissing me. That is the best and worst thing you could have done. This was something that I'd been wanting for years. But, on the other hand, I was suddenly so close but still really far. A kiss didn't change the fact that you had a girlfriend. My nerves were so bad. Let me assure you, I'm not usually like that. Again, it was you. You have this effect on me and I can't control it. Keeping this to myself has been incredibly difficult. I've been dying to tell someone, anyone. I'm ready to burst, of course I won't because that wouldn't be fair to you. You claimed to be torn but didn't it ever occur to you that, once upon time, maybe I was torn too? It's been a month, a whole month and I haven't slept properly since. Guilt, doubt and fear keep me up. Guilt over what I'm doing. Doubt about whether you're actually that into me. Fear that you may get tired of me soon. Everything is in your hands and I sometimes feel powerless. But then I talk to you and all of this disappears. Every negative thought in my brain evaporates instantly. Please, don't abuse this power.
~~~~
I don't know if you're familiar with the metaphor of the frozen lake. I'll explain it now, in case you aren't. Your frozen lake stands for what you want most in the world. You want it so bad that all logic goes out the window and your heart takes over. You can see it, it's right there in the middle of this frozen lake. You risk anything to get to you, to the point of self-destruction. You don't see that the ice is thinner the closer you get so you keep running to it until you inevitably drown in it. There is only one way that you can cross the lake. You don't run. You walk, watch your step and make your way. I've been standing on my frozen lake for three years. I've been tiptoeing so carefully. One foot in front of the other. It has felt like I've drowned a few times but I always manage to resurface and keep going. I'm so close now, as close as I've ever been. I know it would kill to drown now but I don't see any cracks in the ice. In fact, it feels stronger than ever. I bet the view from the middle is beautiful.
Tin Soldier, all I can ask is that you be careful with my fragile heart, I don't give it to just anyone.
I’ve been on Tumblr for a long time but I really wanted to start being more active and involved with the writing community so I finally decided to make an intro post!
I’m Ciana, I’m 17, a Slytherin and I’m from the UK. I’ve been writing since I was in primary school and used to make my friends act out my plays :) I mainly write fantasy, and thrillers but I am trying to write more contemporary
This blog will mostly be focused on my WIPs and I will be posting moodboards, writing excerpts and much more!
I’d also love to follow more writers, so reblog if you’re an active writeblr, especially if you write POC and LGBT+ characters, YA fantasy or thriller, or love writing friendships and romantic subplots!
Here’s the last line from a piece I wrote about love and heartbreak, I’m thinking of posting the full thing here soon, I’m just not too sure if I will:
“Tin Soldier, all I can ask is that you be careful with my fragile heart, I don't give it to just anyone.”
This is a short piece I wrote a while ago. Wanted to post it here!
Cold. All Lucy felt was cold. A shiver ran through her entire body as she lay in the snow. Snowflakes danced through the air and brushed across her rosy cheeks. Her breath came out in little bursts of fog. She could no longer remember how long she had been lying like this. She was yet to open her eyes, afraid of what would appear before her. Her fingers drummer against her sides as she tried to figure out her surroundings. She couldn't open her eyes because deep down, she knew it would confirm her fears. At least with her eyes closed, she could pretend she was somewhere else. Ignorance is bliss after all. It was only when she heard the unmistakeable sound of running on frozen ground that she cracked open her eyes.
Before Lucy lay what can only be described as a winter wonderland. Pure, undisturbed snow encased her. Frozen flakes cling to cobwebs like crystals. The wind whistled gently through the trees, rustling the bare branches ever so slightly. Lucy was surrounded by movement and yet she couldn't move a muscle. She was stuck, lying there. Now that she had taken in her environment, she knew she was back. Back at that place. She hated the fact that she couldn't go anywhere. She was puzzled by how she got there. Surely she wouldn't consciously return to the source of her torment. Surely she wouldn't do that to herself. Surely she'd known better that. Surely- her thoughts were interrupted by a growl.
Lucy's head snapped to the left. The source of the growl became apparent as a wolf emerged from the trees. Another wolf followed close behind the first but her gaze was fixed on the first wolf. It had a single stripe of brown fur leading from it's nose to it's ears. This was a stark contrast against the rest of it's snow-white fur. The animal paced closer to Lucy. The wind started to pick up. Her hair blew lightly across her face. She paid no attention to it. She only had eyes for the wolf stalking towards her. Fear should have been pulsing through her veins. She should have wanted to run. She didn't. The wolf was now inches from her face. She could smell the rotting meat from it's breath. The wind was raging at this stage. The pale gold strands of Lucy's hair were sent in every direction by the tempest. She kept her gaze locked on the wolf. It studied her. Cold, calculating eyes stared at her. They resembled shattered glass, piercing through her. She knew those eyes. Just like the setting she found herself in, they were all too familiar.
"Lucy! Are you ok? Wake up!"
Lucy's eyes shot open for real this time. Her head shook from side to side, trying to understand what was going on. A slick layer of sweat had built up on the back of her neck and she shrugged the blankets off of her body. A worried face filled her vision. Ah, James, she thought to herself, but where's....? Her question was answered when she flicked her eyes to the end of the couch. She was met with a contemptuous glare. The Girl sat there. She was hunched over at the end of the couch with her chin on her palm and her eyes narrowed. Lucy bit her lip and wondered what she had done to upset The Girl. There were rules, you see, and number one was don't upset The Girl. There would be consequences.
James looked between Lucy and The Girl. He cleared his throat nervously. "Eh.... Lucy. You alright? Seemed to be dreaming something intense there," he questioned. Lucy brought up a hand to scratch the back of her neck-a nervous habit she'd developed over the years. "Funny thing. It's nothing really. Just about... the woods and... stuff." Lucy stammered out. What she didn't mention was that this wasn't the first time a dream had led her to that place. James' eyebrows arched so high they nearly disappeared into his hairline. The Girl remained silent but shook her head, empathizing with Lucy. James seemed to reach a decision as he looked at Lucy carefully. "How about we go for a walk, clear your head?" He suggested. Lucy rolled this idea around her head. Maybe that could be a good idea, she thought. "How about we visit that woods that turns you into a sniveling idiot?" The Girl piped up for the first time. Lucy watched as The Girl got up to stand beside her head. James sent a curious glance between them. He was just as uncomfortable around The Girl as Lucy. They both put up with her. Lucy really wished The Girl would leave. Lucy moistened her lips and in a voice much stronger than she thought, she announced "let's go."
Lucy was left to herself to get ready for their trip. She threw in the clothes closest to her. She stood, brushing her pale blonde hair in front of the mirror. Her eyes found the ugly scar that ran from the bridge of her nose to her hairline, just above her ear. She instinctively traced her fingertips alone it. What a horrible mark that ruined a face that could have been pretty, she pondered. She stared straight ahead in the mirror. The same cold blue eyes from her dream stared back at her. A shiver ran down her spine. Something was about to go horribly wrong. She just knew it.
A glint of metal caught Lucy's eyes from the corner of the mirror. She turned and cast her eyes across the room. They landed on an object poking out of James' bag. She tiptoed tentatively towards the bag. The gleam of the metal put her in a trance. Her mum always said she was like a magpie when it comes to shiny objects. She reached the bag and descended to a crouch. Her fingers fumbled clumsily with the material of the bag. She threw her hand into the bag and closed it around something cool and smooth. She drew her arm back and found a knife in her palm. She turned it over, examining it. It shone wickedly in the light. There was something attractive about the sight of the knife in her hand. The potential for destruction that it held captivated her. This power was under her control. In that moment, she could have done anything. She took a deep breath and shook her head, breaking the spell. No, she thought, put that away. She threw the knife away and promptly stood up. She promised herself that she'd revisit what just happened after she returned from the woods. Right then, she had demons to face and they wouldn't appear in this house.
Lucy stumbled through the house looking for her friends. They had vanished. Against her better judgement, she left the house and made her way down an almost-hidden path. The sight of the little brick estate house was a lot more daunting than she remembers as she trekked towards the woods. Somehow, she knew she knew she'd never set a foot back in the house. As she walked between the trees, it was fairly silent except for the sound of branches crunching under her boots. The wind whooped through the trees. Goosebumps prickled up and down her arms. Feelings of fear and confusion bubbled in her stomach. She didn't remember her friends leaving but she knew they'd be there. Her gut told her.
Lucy felt as though she had been transported back into her dream. She got the same strange feeling, maybe it was just the place. Now deep in the woods, Lucy spotted a figure amongst the line of trees. He was half hidden in the darkness but Lucy would have known that face anywhere. Relief washed over her. She surged forward but stopped when James let out a sharp "NO!" As Lucy slowly got closer, she saw the look of sheer terror on his face. His eyes had widened and his hands wouldn't stop fidgeting. He struggled with words and refused to look Lucy in the eyes. She moved forward to put her hands on his shaking arms. He flinched away as if her touch would burn him. "Your fault. It's all your fault" he managed to stutter out. A darkness descended distorting his handsome features. Lucy shook her head. "You're not making any sense" she replied, desperately trying to get him to listen. That only made it worse. Tears fell down his cheeks as he threw his arms out to push Lucy away.
Lucy stepped away and held her hands up in a surrender gesture. James slowly stopped thrashing and slumped dejectedly to the ground. "I'm already doomed" he said defeated. Realization was clear on his face. He started to gently rock in place. His eyes looked lost. He looked up at Lucy but she could tell that she had lost her best friend. He was gone. His mind was too far away to reach. The only word that could describe the atmosphere was despair. All hope was gone. " What do you-". Lucy's sentence was cut short by a loud bang and she knew better than to look down at James. She wouldn't have liked what she saw.
Panic forced it's way up Lucy's throat. She clamped a hand over her mouth to suppress a terrified scream. Tears flooded out of her eyes, leaving trails down her cheeks. She pushed past James' body. She ran blindly through the woods. She needed to get away. She moved as quickly as she could. She had her destination in her mind. She needed to get back to where it all began. She felt as though a cold hand had closed around her heart. Grief ran rampant through her veins. As she made her way, she tripped over the root of a tree. Her balance was thrown and she landed face- first on the damp ground. She supposed she should have felt pain but nothing came. She ran her hand along her hairline and it came back sprinkled with crimson. She considered just giving up and staying there but then she remembered her destination. I must get there, she thought. She pushed herself up and got shakily to her feet. A hand grabbed her arm and she was spun around.
Lucy came face to face with The Girl. Her heart thumped hard in her chest. Not her, anyone but her. The Girl's face was twisted in a half smirk as she took in the sight before her. Lucy's hands trembled so she hid them behind her back. She didn't want The Girl to know how much she affected her. The Girl took on a nonchalant stance. This didn't soothe Lucy at all. "No need to worry". The Girl mocked. Lucy's stomach dropped. What is she going to do to me? Lucy thought frantically. The Girl read her mind. "Ah, Lucy. There's nothing to worry about. What matters is that we're here, together. Alone. As it should be. You and me." The Girl ran a hand down Lucy's cheeks, wiping the tears. She pulled back and moved her hand into her pocket. She pulled out the knife from James' bag. Lucy suddenly felt extremely cold and a scream threatened to burst out of her throat.
To Lucy's surprise, The Girl turned the knife and held the handle towards Lucy. She pressed it into Lucy's hand as her smile grew. "Don't you see, it's always been just us. No one else. Now, do everyone a favor and use this." The Girl hissed. Lucy's attention was brought to the knife. She stared at it and turned it in her hand. She flicked her eyes to meet The Girl's. Cold, blue eyes like shattered glass awaited. Lucy finally understood. Fresh tears welled in her eyes as she realized that she'd always been completely alone.
I want to start posting bits and pieces of my writing here. I am currently in quarantine as is most everyone at the moment. How about making this blog my diary/writing notebook? I know not many people will see these posts so I can type freely knowing I am essentially talking to myself.
I have aquired a lot more free time in the last month. Today marks the 1 month-aversary of me staying home. I have not stepped foot outside my house once in this time. I’m surrpised that I am completely fine with this. I feel like I should be going crazy or something. Dunno, I must be just a special kind of introvert.
College work has definietly been weird. I have been studying my ass off. I will have exams in a few weeks but they’re gonna be really weird. I’m gonna sit them right here, in the comfort of my own home. Weirder and weirder, I tell ya!
I suppose this will be my therapy. Setting aside some time most days to stick something up here or just babble. Today marks day one I suppose!!!
Incredible video! Way too important not to post about! 🏳️🌈
So unbelievably proud right now. Every word was spoken perfectly. I cannot find the right words to express all that I’m feeling right now, which is ironic for a writer.
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