lifelifelifelife

i just post stuff about my life and about myself https://lynnthium.carrd.co/

[lynnthiumsblog]

why can't i control myself.

i yap so much at school i think my friends feel overwhelmed. i feel like i never let them talk. its all me ranting about my problems and they have to take so much of this i feel so bad. but i never change. i want to change but i never do. why am i like this. i just want someone to talk to. but there is no one during school time except for them. and they listen. i don't deserve these amazing friends. and i am a bad friend. a bad listener.. all i do is yap about my shit. i am so selfish. i am just a terrible person. i hate myself.

[lynnthiumsblog]

i fear getting close to people.

i want to get close to people, but it is just going to make me feel like dying even more when they leave me on read or if they ignore me. and i fear what will happen next. i fear how much i'd react. i would hate them so much, but i'd still fear they leave me.

[lynnthiumsblog]

i impulsively deleted my discord account and every way i use to connect to her.

i give up on love. it's so foolish.

and she also needs to focus on herself

[lynnthiumsblog]

i feel safest talking here

[lynnthiumsblog]

i know there r people who suffer from the same mental shit as i do

and they don't have a warm bed to cry in

or enough food

or therapy

or stuff.

i have all of that so why i am like this.

i feel like i am a fucking spoiled brat

and that makes me hate myself even more.

[smeefy-smoofy]

me when I feel sad cause I didn't take my anti feel sad pills:

(reminder to take your meds)

[lynnthiumsblog]

throwing myself in a park rn

i decided to go outside again bc it makes me feel more refreshed (is that how u say it?) and i just don't like being at home cuz it makes me feel nauseous just looking at my rotten room. it is night time and i am planning to stay in this park until like midnight. i don't wanna go back home where all the problems r but i am a problem myself so idk how that works. idk what am i doing why am i even posting this.

[lynnthiumsblog]

my dog makes me so happy

just then i was curled up on the floor cuz i didn't know what to do/i didn't wanna do anything and then i saw this fat little cute creature waddle past me. i love my dog so much.

pets do help with mental illness ig.

[lynnthiumsblog]

needa practice a whole damn hanon book everyday from now

ok so basically during my piano lesson this week my teacher (who doesn't know about my mental and shit) went like 'oh ur technical for piano is shit and you needa stop playing ur damn pieces and practice and play this everyday correctly'

*pulls out a large ahhh book of scale-like passages and technical work a.k.a. hanon*

i mean i have practiced this book before and i am kinda familiar with it but it takes 1 damn hour to complete the book and i am not up to speed yet so it takes about 2 hrs (holy embarrassment).

i see the advantages of practicing these things but it is even hard for me to get out of bed right now and i've barely got the u know motivation and energy.

oh yeah and i did walk outside yesterday. i felt much better in the short term but i feel shit now again.

(btw technical work is like exercises that build up your physical skills for ur instrument).

[lynnthiumsblog]

i want to go outside but it is cold af so i am going to stay inside but the problem is i don't know what to do inside except for overeat the fuck out of me so i don't wanna stay inside. i should get a jacket :)

[lynnthiumsblog]

you know when you start making a video of yourself cuz u wonder how you look to other people.. and then it turns out to be the worst pathetic cringe shit you have ever seen. like when i tried it looked like i couldn't talk properly. plus my accent makes it even worse.

[lynnthiumsblog]

heya i am starting blogging today

i am not really expecting anything but yeah i just like to say random shit