old posts.

[thesolarsystems]

I keep seeing people saying things like “most of my system members are formed from trauma but some aren’t so I must not be completely a trauma system I must be a mixed/whatever system”.

Let me explain something to you, and this is really important. Not every member of your system is necessarily going to be a trauma holder. Children create alters based on their needs for survival. Sometimes what you need is a friend to love and comfort you when you are going through literal hell. There are a few members of my system that aren’t trauma holders. They were created to be protectors, friends, a source of relief from my reality. That doesn’t take away from the fact that my system is traumagenic in origin.

I have DID. I’m a trauma system. But not every alter holds trauma because that’s not what my child self needed them to do.

If your system members formed from trauma, you are a traumagenic system. You can identify yourself as a traumagenic system. You don’t need to say you’re a mixed system because some of your alters don’t hold trauma. It’s very likely that those alters were created to serve another purpose that your childhood self felt was necessary for their survival.

[maemaybe]

This is important. 

You aren’t a “mixed origin system” because some of your alters don’t remember the trauma, don’t seem to have originated directly from the trauma, or don’t believe the trauma happened. 

I have DID and I’d say about ¾ of my system members either currently believe or at one time believed that there was no trauma at all. They either believed that they personally experienced no trauma, or that the entire system experienced no trauma. That is the entire point of them. That is pretty much the entire point of DID! 

Having parts that believe that the trauma didn’t happen and that you lived a normal life is incredibly helpful and protective when you had a traumatic childhood. But when you say that you’re a “mixed origin system” now, you’re clinging to that false belief and you’re hurting your system. Part of healing is helping everyone recognize reality so they can heal from it. 

- Hannah

[youngqueerwitch]

I think, I think one of the worst things about realizing you’ve been abused is the actual realization. Slowly learning what’s normal and what isn’t. Having it smack you in the face that “oh god that wasn’t normal that’s not normal all” and it’s just this horrifying realization

And it gets worse. You remember more trauma. You remember more of the hell they put you through. You wonder how they still think they did nothing wrong?

You doubt. You refuse to doubt. You panic. You become this mess of “is this real” and “I know this is real” and “I don’t want this to be real”

[angelswithdreams]

i honestly believe human beings are not meant to live like this. we are meant to live in loving communities and be around nature every day and grow our own food and create art and not work day and night until we die. this longing for another life is not human nature, it’s a symptom of modern society.

[goodbyeworld95-deactivated20190]

That DID denial feel when you get to know trauma details of someone else and you go “but they had it so much worse than me” and then start to feel that your trauma wasn’t bad enough and that you’re probably just making everything up..

No.

No. No. No.

It doesn’t matter. Just because someone elses trauma was “worse” than mine doesn’t mean mine is any less valid. It doesn’t matter how your leg was broken - the pain is just the same, no matter if you broke it through a car accident or because you fell down the stairs. Broken is broken. Trauma is trauma. There’s no “bad enough”. If you’re struggling then it was bad enough. No matter if someone else had it worse.

[camaceall]

traumatised kid culture when u lowkey hate everyone around you because they all had normal happy childhoods and yours was stolen from you but you can never say you hate them out loud cus people will think ur Mean™️ and its also a dumb ass reason to hate someone for : )

[traumasurvivors]

Just an important message for my fellow trauma survivors:

What happened to you wasn’t fair. Don’t downplay it, or tell yourself that other people have it worse. The bottom line is that it should NEVER have happened. What you feel about it is real and valid. It might not be okay right now, but one day it will be. Thank you for surviving. I’m so glad you’re here. 

[neurodivergentaf]

*gets an old trauma memory back* sweet. bonus backstory unlocked 

[rotten-sunflower]

[thesubcon10ent]

Conversely

Or

[prsephonies-deactivated20200815]

when i was a teenager it felt very revolutionary to be cruel to myself. like some kind of slow passive protest against how much everything hurt. i starved myself of sleep and food and tenderness because it felt right. it felt sharp and angry and radical and i wanted to be those things. adulthood is the realisation that the world is already working to cut into you well before you learn how to do it yourself. caring for yourself and others is the real protest

[bananajeph-deactivated20180116]

person: why are you so kinky

me: im traumatized

[the-calamity-system]

shoutout to all the system littles who are in an adult body!! It’s hard to be a kid when sometimes you can’t play at the park the way you want to, or go to the zoo the way you want to, or play with other kids the way you want to, etc. But you’re still a kid and still supported by us all! We want you to have the loving and supportive and fun childhood the rest of us didn’t really get to have. And we will all help you to have it, best we can! Love you littles!!

[furiousgoldfish]

Child abusers don’t let children know they’re victims. Survivors of child abuse by large don’t know they’ve been abused. Abusive parents raise the child to have great compassion for them, to always view them as humane as possible, they make sure children are grateful to them, they point out every single thing they did for the child, such as “paid for your stuff” or “financed your schooling” or “gave you a roof over your head and fed you all these years” (even though to not do these things would be straight illegal, but they don’t mention that part, do they) as a proof of how good and generous they are, they make sure to recite all possible excuses to why they’re acting so abusive, they had a hard life, they have a lot on their plate, they’re good people they just make mistakes, they’ve been badly treated too, they don’t even know they’re hurting you, they’re insisting you’re too sensitive and get hurt from nothing, they don’t let the child hold them accountable or hold them guilty for any of their abuse. Abused child will be ashamed of themselves and hardly ever consider themselves a victim, they will be taught to repress and ignore trauma symptoms, to find a way to blame themselves for everything, to feel guilty just for how awful they feel all the time.

Emotionally abused child strongly believes that their parent is inherently good and deserves all the compassion in the world, all the excuses, all forgiveness and none of the blame for their actions (parents make sure children know that the blame would hurt them so children must never blame them) and will fight to defend the parent and point out why abuse was not really abuse, why children deserved it, why nobody is to blame, except maybe themselves, because “they weren’t good enough” to appease the parent which would then hopefully be a bit more kind (of course not). They often wont even admit how badly they’re scared of their parents.

To have an abused child realize they’ve been exploited, lied to, betrayed, systematically destroyed and dehumanized by their parent, their entire world needs to break down, everything they’ve been taught has to be acknowledged as a lie, what they considered right and fair needs to change to wrong, who they trusted the most needs to change to be least trust-worthy, who in their head, made sure they survive up to that point, needs to turn into a person who almost cost them their life, and destroyed it rather than held it safe. It’s not a fun ride. It’s devastating to go through, it breaks a person apart completely and forces them to re-construct their entire reality. And it’s the only way to have a chance to really recover, to validate themselves and their pain, to understand to what depth they’ve been damaged, and by who and why. It’s the only way to realize that they’re entitled to life, to food, to roof, to nurturing, to everything that was held against them, they’ve been required to feel grateful that they weren’t left to die. 

For those who still have to face this, or are facing it right now, you are going through the worst of your life right now. For those who have no empathy or patience for survivors to figure their lives out, fuck you, try living their life for a few years, see if you survive it. For abusers, I hope someone figures out how to force you to feel every single bit of pain you’ve inflicted on your children, I hope you fucking scream yourself to death from pain you’ve caused.

[valiumvampire]

abused child signs that we don’t really talk about much

• hypersexuality and masturbating at a young age

• still wetting the bed as an older child

• being sensitive to the sound of stairs creaking

• panicking when you think an adult seems angry or speaks to you in an intimidating tone, even if they weren’t actually angry at all, that’s just how you perceived it

• being “the weird kid” at school

• making up a fantasy world that you can live in instead

• reenacting your abuse with your dolls

• trying to make yourself look sexy for adults so that they’ll like you

• joining a lot of after-school clubs so you could spend more time away from home

if you think of more, feel free to add them on to this list!

[thealmightysystem]

Gasping for air when a shirt collar is too close to your throat

Being terrified to go within 10 feet of a pool

Freaking out when someone is behind you for even a second

Checking mirrors as you walk through the parking lot to make sure no one’s following you

Memorizing every license plate

Curling into a ball and sobbing for forgiveness when someone looks at you sternly

Crying out when someone moves too fast

Making up totally useless stories as to how you got injured even if there’s no reason for a cover up

Constantly questioning if something is real

Freezing up when relatives come by

Feeling protective over young children

Alternatively, having no emotional attachment or empathy for young children

Panicking when you hear unfamiliar (or family) voices in the house

Compulsively lying to make sure you don’t get in trouble despite doing nothing that actually would

Trying to be as unappealing and ugly as possible to ward off creeps

Simultaneously showing your body to strangers online at any request

Masturbating until it actually hurts you

Obsessively thinking of assault without control and screaming at yourself to stop

“Am I really a victim?” “Yes” “Okay but–”

Horrified yet attracted to being taken advantage of

Preferring to be beaten because you “can handle that a lot better than this”

Using different methods and tools to self harm so there’s no cuts

Learning first aid by yourself at the age of five

[the-unlucky-thirteen]

someone who was talking to the host a minute ago: you’re acting so different suddenly, what’s the deal?

me, not the host: people change ok that’s just life

[houdadraws]

That dissociation mood when all of your past memories feel blurry and unreal and you’re not sure you ever really existed before this point and you can’t remember how you’ve met the people you care about and how you’ve come to love them and whether you really know them or yourself at all and the present suddenly feels awfully out of context

[toothyblowjob]

there’s not really much discussion of child neglect on here so i guess i have to do it

p l e a s e don’t shame neglect survivors for not knowing “basic” things like how to eat a balanced diet, when to go to the doctor, how to drive, etc. you know these things (usually) because a caring adult taught them to you. we didn’t have that. we often enter adulthood knowing jack shit about how to take care of ourselves. we know we’re missing information, and we feel so fucking lost.

it’s okay to, if you have a friend who’s experienced neglect, try and help them learn how to take care of themselves. saying things like “hey, do you think you could try to eat at least one vegetable per day?” or “that infection looks pretty bad, do you want to go to a doctor?” is genuinely helpful. but belittling us for not already knowing these things is completely unproductive and unnecessarily cruel.

don’t be a dick to survivors.

[traumatrash]

I know everyone says it, but having a system fucking sucks.

it’s not a fun setup with a bunch of friends in your head, or role-playing as different people, or your favorite kintypes taking on their own strength

instead it’s waking up realizing you don’t remember the last month and your hands are shaking from a panic attack

or days when you’re talking down a friend from suicide, knowing their attempt would kill you too

it’s your head being filled with static and your hands not feeling like your own

it’s suddenly realizing you don’t know where you are or who you’re with and panicking but not being able to say anything because these are apparently your friends

sometimes it’s people sitting and whispering death threats into your ears, or laughing about how you’re too much a wuss to end it all

or people bullying you for your life choices

you can’t leave those people, they share your skin

it’s nights where nothing gets done because there was a little kid in your body crying on the floor

or nights where you don’t know who you are because you feel like 6 people at once

it’s dissociation

it’s crying for hours

it’s trauma tangible enough that your body itches and aches

it’s terrifying and it never fucking stops

it’s not fun