black girl in the city

Living, loving & learning. Crying while I'm typing.

[mamapleaseshutup]

Accidentally In Love.

I fell in love with myself today. Accidentally, I have to admit. Let me just tell you how it happened. So today is Martin Luther King Day... you know that. I’m sure you do, I’m sure everyone knows that... except me. Well I knew that, I just did not remember it TODAY. So I woke up per my usual schedule. By the way, shout out to my iPhone mistakenly bringing up the sleep schedule feature? I learned how to regulate my sleep schedule by setting an automatic DND/sleep mode timeframe of like 9pm to 7am. So yeah, I woke up at 7am and I jumped into my normal routine of restroom alone time, making my coffee and getting in some early yoga while downing a bottle of water. So once all is done, I usually have about an hour of free time to just rest my mind and I almost wasted it away by falling back asleep on the sofa. But I caught myself, literally thinking, “I need to shower, do my skincare routine and eat something otherwise I am going to feel like shit all day.” So I got right on it, I took a hot steamy shower and washed my face really well, popped most of my blackheads because DUH!, and I even made a bomb ass juice! Now let me tell you, I do NOT drink juices, that’s not really my thing. I love them but I am not big into juicing. However I paid $167 on fruits and veggies and meats from Whole Foods, so I was never letting that go to waste! (Shout out to Amazon Prime/Whole Foods delivering straight to my door!) I juiced a cup of pineapple chunks, a whole banana, 2 cups of coconut water, a prenatal vitamin because it’s packed with all the nutrients and vitamins I need for my current health status, not because I am pregnant because I am not... and a tablet of Apple Cider Vinegar. It was AMAZING!!! Next thing you know I found myself moisturizing my skin with some raw shea butter & once I was all done, I logged into work ... only to find it was Martin Luther King Day, and I was off from work! I fell off the sofa, I could not believe I did all of this... and I almost said for nothing but I caught myself once again saying instead, “I did all of this and it felt amazing, I need to keep this up! I normally do these things everyday, let me clarify if at any point I made it seem like I neglect myself, I do not. I just feel great at having managed my mindset to take care of myself on a day that I would have rather chose to rest. I felt good having chose ME, specifically to avoid not feeling my best, and it resulted in me having the entire day to myself to do exactly what I had hoped for in the beginning. Take care of yourself, clearly it’s beneficial! 

[mamapleaseshutup]

Santa Is REAL

So today turned out to the be the best day of the year for Giselle and I! First Giselle woke up to her Uncle, my brother, at the house to surprise her! We had a blast of a day and right before we decided to wind down the spirit of Christmas filled the air. I light the Christmas tree on it’s flashing pattern, had Alexa play some Christmas jazz on low, and I put on The Polar Express and popped some popcorn for me and the kiddo. Just as we were settling into the sofa we heard him! We could hear Santa coming down the street on the firetruck! We raced down the stairs as fast as we could at least 4 times trying to catch him, thinking we missed him, then finally we could hear him loud and clear and knew he was right outside! Chile, we ran down the stairs and out the door so fast, you’d think we teleported. Next thing you know we’re outside jumping and screaming for Santa and HE SAW US! Waving and smiling right at Giselle and me, it was PERFECT. I never saw such a huge and bright smile on her face until this moment, she was in awe! Santa waved and continued on his path throughout the neighborhood to let everyone know he was in town and Giselle and I made our way back upstairs into the apartment. We pressed play on The Polar Express, crunched on some popcorn and giggled every 2 minutes at the awesomeness that was SANTA CLAUS!!! Best thing ever! The coolest part is that she has no idea that I have seen this exact thing at least 25 times (assuming only once a year). It was my first time because it was her first time and it was perfect, I loved every second. Definitely top 5 moments of being a mom, for sure. 

[mamapleaseshutup]

The Secret

So I finally got some alone time, and I figured, no better time than now to binge Pretty Wild. I started it and the first thing I noticed was the mother saying she home schooled her daughters and based the curriculum off the movie The Secret. That led me to find out what the hell that was and why she would do such a thing. I have to say this week has been a week of ultimate self awakening. From talking to Erica about the manifestations of my childhood to getting a reading on the number 917 which I have been seeing for years. I discovered so much immediately and I am ever grateful. So long story short, I watched the movie and it made everything so clear. It is my time. I claimed fame and wealth and health and happiness and peace and long life as a child, I manifested it and claimed it years ago and this week it all came back to me and I have been seeing signs everywhere. Watching this movie was the final confirmation I needed. I was instructed to write it all out and claim it again, it is mine. Watch for me, I don’t know exactly how and I don’t know when, but you are going to see my name in lights. You’re going to hear my voice loud and clear. It’s my time.

[mamapleaseshutup]

making waves in the ocean of life

Like my title? Cute, right? I know lol Okay seriously... 

Mama is making waves in this ocean of life, you hear me?

So let me update you, reader. I’ll give you the short version...

I started one career, uprooted my life, got invested in said career and as soon as I made a vital effort of commitment, they fired me and stole my business plan. I got a new job through my neighbor and it has proved to be the single, hardest task I ever taken on and allowed to practically control my life, so in essence, I couldn’t just up & quit (like my true Capricorn nature was influencing me to do!) 

Y’all, this job had me taking graded assessments before I could do anything in the actual field and I was failing every single time! Now the issue here was that I was testing very poorly. I say that because I retained all the information, I could relay it back to my instructor very well and I felt that I was top of my class in training... so why the hell was I bombing the assessments? Heaven knows. 

This mess had me causing conflict in my home and stressing my child and my man out... Long story short, I suggested a verbal assessment and was granted one. Let me tell you... I was ready until I wasn’t! HA! Chile, I started the assessment and panicked on the first question, had to ask the instructor for a start over and a minute to get my mind right... *Let’s all take a minute to laugh at my scary ass!* Once we reconvened, I got on my grind and ACED that verbal assessment! They told me afterwards, that I only got one question wrong, and it wasn’t even wrong, I just gave accurate information that didn’t apply to what was being asked. Whatever. I still ACED THAT JAWN!

My manager knew I was tripping out over it all, so they made sure to inform me that apparently I gave the best description of a segment of our platform they’ve heard in all their time reviewing the assessments... THAT HAD ME HYPE! 

So I am proud to say I am the newest senior rep to a major company and I did it without a degree (this position requires one!) and I have unlimited room for growth! To which, I might add that a different instructor told me in private that my need to know the full concept of our platform and all of its processes and reasons for said processes is enough to propel me to the top of the company quickly! 

Ya girl is making waves out here in the ocean of life!

[mamapleaseshutup]

my sincerest apologies.

my dear, i have to let you go. i love you, yes it’s true, but i don’t love you enough. i don’t love you properly and i don’t love you deeply. it’s sad to me and hard to do, but i have to let you go. please don’t cry, don’t argue my stance. please understand that this must happen and there’s no reason to hold on. it’ll only hurt you more in the end and it’ll only make me look, feel and be worse. to you and myself and anyone else i choose to love. i need this time to myself without you in the picture, because keeping you around keeps the door open. we can’t move on with open doors and instant access to each other. we have to let go and close the door, my dear. i love you but not enough to hold on, string you along and keep this going on. it’s unhealthy, unhappy and unnecessary. so this is good bye. my dear. take care. 

[mamapleaseshutup]

I am at a crossroads. I am in love with you. I love you so deeply, your soul is intertwined with mine and we created life together, how could I not? Though we have such a beautiful frame, the photo within is nothing to boast of. You have hurt me so deeply and right at the height of my healing. I was almost finished healing from the pain of my childhood. I met you, fell in love with you and you showed me who I am. You helped me discover me, then you crushed me. You almost instantaneously forced me to restart the entire process of healing and learning myself while simultaneously trying to figure what I did to deserve my childhood and now this. I dont think I ever figured it out. I simply moved further down the path and started to love someone different. I started to let him take on the task of guiding me through learning me. That was only a problem though, because I hadn’t healed from you.So of course, you came back, as everyone said you would and I went wherever you lead me immediately. In doing so, I broke the man that loved me unconditionally because I still loved you unconditionally. I don’t know why I did it, but I don’t know that I would take it back because I whole-heartedly believe I needed the lesson in that. I can admit, I still love you. I love you so. But now, I am so afraid of who you are and what you have planned in your mind. I never want to find out because I never believe that I am safe in it. I’ve always known that I was and am and always will be safe in the man that loved me unconditionally. So why would I hurt him and why would I do it for someone that could crush me the way you did, as many times as you did? I guess they call that unconditional love. I guess it’s the same reason why he took me back, on why he understands what I did and why I did it. I guess that’s why he keeps choosing me. I think he knows I am lost. I think the advantage he has over me, and the difference between being crushed after a fucked up childhood and being crushed by someone who had a fucked up childhood is being grounded and not lost. He’s grounded, he’s not lost and he can see that all I lack is grounding. A foundation. A true place somewhere, for something, with someone that is mine. He just wants to help me find me, because he’s already found me. Truth is, I really want to find me, too. I really want more than anything to love and be obsessed with and trust in me. I want to be everything, for myself, that I am for him because not only was I never those things for you, but because I deserve to be it and experience that kind of love and he does too. Neither of us deserves the domino effect of heartbreak and despair that you have caused and although I am equally responsible, I was and sometimes still am fully under your influence. It’s a drug, that kind of love. I don’t mind being addicted, actually, I completely surrender to the vice. I just want to curve my dependency. It no longer has to be or will be on you. I want out because in is just too fucking much. It’s alot to handle for me and my homegirls, the people that love me and my damn bank account! Loving him is so much more of a healthier, organic, honest, happy, free, better quality experience. So, this time I am choosing him, loving him and surrendering to him. This time, the world is ours. Because you are not in it. 

[mamapleaseshutup]

effortless grace.

All praises to the Most High. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful and beyond blessed to be His. I wish I had the right words to express how grateful I am. 

You see. I have been going through it. All the mess: I’ve been jumping hoops through it. I started working for a company, I built up the department by my lonesome, developed a plan for them and they stole it. Then they fired me. Can you say broken? I felt destroyed. Not only because I had just upped & packed my whole life to a new location so I could commit to this career, but also because I had spent countless hours developing a business plan for what I thought was my “team” only to have it stolen from me. I was crushed. Yet, I stood stall. Next thing you know, I find out I’m pregnant and a few hours later, I had a miscarriage. Home, alone & afraid, shit was REAL! Needless to say, I still strapped on my armor of glory and I held my head high in prayer. Well, actually, I bared it all and feel face first to the floor, weeping and praying and thanking God? Yeah, thanking Him. For all that I’ve been given, though much has been taken away, much more has been given to me. 

Let me tell y’all how I sent ONE resume out. ONE! Then I interviewed and forgot about it. I just got obsessive with my worship and prayer, to the point that nothing else mattered. I had completely forgotten about needing a new job. Bills weren’t due over overdue and nobody’s been calling my phone asking for money, so “out of sight, out of mind” was totally in action. I wake up this morning, pray, do my yoga, follow my whole routine and take my baby to the park for a nice little outing and when I get back... I have an email offering me the position!! Not only making more than I’ve ever made before, but also learning a whole new field that is 10000x more beneficial to my livelihood and well-being than anything I’ve ever done. Can you say GRATEFUL?! Look at God! In the words of Tamar Braxton, “Won’t He Do It?”!! 

I have to just give Him all the Glory because I surely didn’t deserve it. I surely wasn’t working for it. I surely needed it and never called out to God for it. So let me say this, give it all to Him. Bare it all to Him and believe that He will. Because He can & He wants to! 

Now let me gon’ and pray, do some night time yoga, force myself to take these vitamins (aint no reason for them to be this big!), and snuggle my baby! I have a long, long week ahead of me!

- Mama.

[mamapleaseshutup]

budding lil yogi.

So I started my yoga journey. That consisted of me finding my yoga mat in the process of moving and organizing in my new home. Then I remembered an old friend from middle school posts on her IG about her Peloton bike 21/5, (I won’t shade her like it’s ALLLL the time, but she definitely posts about that bike alot!) So I copied her and signed up for Peloton’s free trial. I’ve been doing their yoga & meditation sessions ever since! It’s only been a week. I love it so far. I’ve been releasing so much tension. I’ve been discovering and stretching muscles I never knew I had, easing aches I’ve held on to for years! I hate to admit that I always found yoga to be a gimmick. I gotta slap myself for not getting into it heavily sooner. I made a vow to myself, and asked God to help, to wake up at 6AM daily, do my yoga and start my day with peace, love, light, and a whole bunch of other “affirmations”, that’s what the girls/yogis call it. I’ve been conforming and wearing a waist trainer to help correct my posture... all it did was bruise my ribs. All in all, I’m enjoying this process. I love how I feel and I’m grateful. 

[mamapleaseshutup]

introduction.

Hi guys, so you probably know me. Maybe you don’t. I am Hunter Christene. I am reinventing myself and undergoing a full transformation as we speak. Everything from this point on, that I type for your eyes to read and ingest, is not scripted, nor is it edited. It’s my raw expression in its most natural form. Take it in. As I have. In this past year alone, I have cut ties with my childhood best friend & ended a relationship with a man that was/is probably the nicest person I’ll ever meet but just not right for me. This year, I’ve chopped my 28-32ish inch hair off. I grew that mess my whole life and then out of nowhere… SNIP SNIP. I was going through some shit. Some shit like becoming pregnant and then losing the baby, some shit like waking up and realizing I had earned none of what I want in life, some shit like dropping everything to change the fact that I had none of what I wanted in life. I was going through some things. 

Those things have begun to shape me into whoever it is that I am becoming. I am falling out of love with the things I once cherished, I am losing interest in the things that once brought me joy. In some ways, I feel like I’m losing myself but in other ways, I’m gaining so much more. I’ve gained a new home that is MINE. I’ve gained a new life where my family feels complete; hell, I’ve gained a whole new sense of family. So many things I’ve gained. Power, Strength, self-awareness, ABILITY… ability to do and say and think and feel in ways I never knew I could. It’s been quite an abundant season of gain, I must admit. 

I am grateful. Grateful for all that’s been given to me, but mostly, all that I’ve worked for. All that I need to gain all that I’ve wanted. In this revelation of self, I’ve determined that it would be most beneficial for me to completely strip myself of everything that does not serve me, or my future, any true purpose. Those things include relationships, fixations, habits, etc. If you’re reading this, and continue to follow me, you may enjoy this experience. You may question it at times, may even find yourself concerned at times, and that’s okay. I’m okay! It is time. I am 25 years old, a mother to a beautiful being, and a person with a purpose. Finding myself and losing myself is apparently the main portion of the journey. So watch with caution, show love when necessary, share guidance when you please, but at the very least embrace the experience because once it’s over…

The girl you knew. The girl you raised. The girl you’ve watched from the time we met. That girl will no longer be that girl. That girl will have grown and exited a revolutionary chapter. That girl knows this because she is living in it now and “woke” enough to know so. She is loving every bit of it but still confused at times. She’s guiding herself so she might get it wrong a time or two. But she seeks guidance, she seeks clarity and wisdom. She is no fool, though sometimes she craves humor and child-like freedom so deeply, she’ll don a clown shoe for a few minutes. Just to make herself laugh, not many people can do that. 

Honestly, I’m just rambling at this point. Truth be told, this is me, the real me, the me the left this about a week ago and just came back to finish up and post it. I do that often, just like the rambling. It’s all a part of the experience. So I just it’s time for mama to shut up, post this and start my journey…Well it’s been started, but here’s to me writing about it and sharing it with you. Peace. Love. -  Miss Honey