My Journey into Judaism

Seeking G-d's Love

[mariewarfield]

It's been too long since I last posted...

It’s been 2 weeks. How do I know? No, I didn’t check my last post. It’s because I had nothing to say about last week. Why? Well….my husband, which whom is a gentile, and which whom I am divorcing, confined me to the home for 47 hrs. I had to call the police Monday morning just to get my keys back to take the kids to school. Yep, it was exactly like that. I was so furious. He prevented me from taking myself and my children to synagogue. Now I see him as the devil who tries to prevent me from praying to G-d. Anyways, fast forward to this week. So because we are going through some rough, financial times, I have been unable to buy shabbat candlestick holders. The rabbitzen told me I can use tea might candles, so I have been. This past week, I got 4 glass candlesrick holders from the Dollar Tree. They hold the tea lights perfectly, and even better, votives. I grabbed 4, they are simple but I like them. I’ll post a photo in a new post after this one. Anyways, I attended Saturday morning Shabbat service as I typically do. The Rabbitzen & Rabbi, the mom and dad, weren’t there, nwvauwe they had to attend their son’s wedding. Anyways, I followed along in English, as I always do, but this time without the help of Rabbitzen. There was 1 woman who was at service and she did help me to follow along during the Torah reading. I didn’t need to help with kiddush, the Rabbitzen (younger one) had everything all done and set out. I did help clean up though, so she didn’t have as much to clean. She invited me to a lecture for ladies which was yesterday, I was unable to attend, and she also invited me to the challah bake off for the Shabbos Project on Thursday. I’m going to do my best to make it to that. To be honest, I’m going to invest in a Siddur so that I can say my prayers. I know I should be praying 3 times a day…and I’d like to start doing so…

[mariewarfield]

Simchat Torah

I texted the rabbitzen yesterday to let her know I would be attending service this evening. I was able to attend last night and cannot attend Tuesday morning. First thing I noticed today, on my way to synagogue, was the amazing sky. Sunset was approaching and it was beautiful. I was almost mesmerized. When I arrived and parked, as I was walking up, I saw one of the visiting gentleman (he’s been there the whole holiday) and a woman who walked up just seconds before I did. As I walked up to them, I couldn’t help but notice the full arch rainbow in the sky. Wow. Rabbi comes out and we pointed it out to him. A moment later, I walked in to see rabbitzen sitting at a table with others and the rabbi giving a class. I joined them for about 20 mins. before the service started. Right before it began, I ran to find something to cover my head. I was having a hard time finding something since I had my hair up in a high ponytail, during which time, the lady who I was admiring the rainbow with, introduced herself and asked about me and so forth. She kept saying things in Hebrew, I don’t think it was yiddish…something to the effect of “the the help of H-shem” I noticed she had on a beautiful, conservative dress, very Jewish, really, but very nice. She was telling me she just moved to the area and noticed the community is small. I told her I feel like Jewish community is very small in this area and she said she thinks so too and it’s hard to keep Kosher here…which I cannot disagree with. I slipped into the shul and sat next to the rabbitzen who told me what page to turn to. She told me she was glad I came because I would get to see what is done on Simchat Torah. The service began. I loved it. We had kiddush and drank…all of us ladies lit the candles and said the blessing, and then shortly after, danced with the Torah…well, us ladies danced on our side but it was great watching the guys dance around. I don't drink, but one of the ladies poured me a small shot of vodka. Bleh. I was being a good sport choking that down lol tastes of rubbing alcohol. I'm just not a drinker. Afterwards, I helped with the food…since I am not Jewish, I heated up some foods and cooked rice, we then ate the delicious food. I helped out a little bit more before I left. The rabbitzen praised me for being so helpful. No problem really, it’s the least I can do…. What a wonderful and beautiful experience tonight! I’m overjoyed!

[rabbiaharon]

On Simchat Torah we dance with our feet, not with our heads. We are celebrating the Torah, and the Torah is something we study with our heads. But we dance with our feet, not with our heads. If we would dance with our heads, each one would dance a different dance, each in a different space, some with friends but not with others, some as lonesome souls. One head is higher, one is lower, one is here on earth, the other in the clouds or beyond, and some minds know only their own space that no one else can know. But we dance with our feet, and all our feet are here on the same earth—none higher and none lower. So now we can all dance as one, with one heart, as a single being. Now there is no loneliness, only joy.

Daily Dose (Via Chabad.org)

This explained it well for me 😃

[mariewarfield]

Finally finding out my heritage

I’m going to be 33 on Wednesday, and it’s sad that I don’t truly know about my heritage. I know my mother is from South Korea, and my great-grandparents from Russia and Germany. That’s where it ends. Between my middle daughters school project (creating a family tree), receiving family trees from my grandmother (and not recognizing any of the last names on it) and the rabbi asking me, I decided to ask my grandmother what the heck our heritage is.

My grandmother gives me a somewhat quick run down on the Russian side, her father, and told me about them, how he ended up in America, how he changed his whole name-which is why her last name is totally different. Then she moves onto my grandpa's side, the German side. She says to me, “I think this is the part of your heritage you really need and want to know. You’re not Jewish, of course, because your mother isn’t, and none of the mothers before were, that I’m aware of, HOWEVER, blood wise, you do have a little bit of Jewish blood running through your veins, about 1/8…and here’s how. Your great-grandfather was Jewish, came from and long line of Jewish heritage. Unfortunately, he decided to marry a gentile and their child, your grandfather, as you know, was not Jewish because his mother wasn’t. I remember when your great-grandfather and your great great-grandmother used to rent a condo in South Beach every year, and then bought one and moved there. South Beach then was a huge Jewish community. Now your great grandmother, my mother in law, wasn’t your grandfather’s mother and was also a gentile, but yet she was his step-mother, and she was terrible! So, I couldn’t help but chuckle in the shadows as her mother in law, your great great-grandmother, moved to Miami, because she was Orthodox Jew and the home and everything in it had to be kosher or abide by Jewish law. She was very particular about it, very much refused anything but, and gave my mother in law and run for her money! But it was good. In fact, your great great-grandmother was a really good woman, very kind. I really liked her. Anyways, so now you know, you are not Jewish, obviously, but you do have Jewish blood in you.” Ok….that helped me out a whole lot. I don’t know why, but I felt much better knowing this. My father, who’s prejudice, changed his last name because he found out it was a 2nd generation Jewish last name….whatever that means. I’m guessing that he was left in the dark about his heritage as I was….but my grandmother said it’s not because she never wanted to share the family history, it’s just that no one cared. And then I wondered if maybe this was why I felt a pull to Judaism, or why it felt so right or why I had such comfort in hearing the rabbi sing/chant in Hebrew….I don’t know, I still don’t know, and I may never know, but I’m happy to know that I do have Jewish lineage and that this wasn’t something as random as I thought it was.

[mariewarfield]

Shabbos Service

So....Saturday, I got up, got ready for service, got in my car, and headed downtown. Mind you, there is a Chabad on my end of town, however, I prefer the downtown location, and I love the Rabbi and their family. Wonderful people. I went alone, as I did the previous Saturday. Once I got there, I covered my head and saw the rabbitzen in the temple so I just popped right in, grabbed a siddur, heard the rabbi call out the page number and opened accordingly. The last couple of times, the rabbitzen helped me to follow along, guiding me on where to go, what page to be on…but this time, she did not. I found myself following along nicely, I felt I was almost word to word in translation. About ¾ of the way thru, the rabbitzen nudges me and whispers, “WOW! You’re keeping up nicely!” And of course, that made me feel even more amazing. I was speed reading, but still able to focus on the words I was reading….it almost put me in a trance like state…which is really the best way I can describe it. Afterwards, another rabbitzen, who was visiting with her husband, had hosted kiddush because it was the anniversary of her father’s passing. Rabbitzen said that’s pretty standard, of course, I wouldn’t know if it is or isn’t. The food was delicious and more elaborate then usual, although rabbitzen and the other rabbitzen (her daughter in law) are amazing cooks. We feasted in the Sukkah and socialized, spoke about G-d, and the rabbi even called out to a few passers-by. The rabbitzen was telling me that to convert, I needed to know my stuff, basically, but of course, strict guidelines and the closest beit din was in Miami…who would give me the guidelines to follow by, and, as per Jewish law, they would be the ones to complete the conversion process. Ok….I read a lot, but I totally missed the part where you are to live within walking distance to a shul…..um….that would mean in order to be near my shul of choice, my rent would be outrageous since it’s located in an affluent part of town. Hmmm….interesting. I can’t say that this hasn’t been weighing on my mind, when it is time to jump in head first. I know at this point, I’m familiarizing myself with and trying to observe Judaism, I am nowhere near ready to go before any beit din. Before I was ready to leave, the younger rabbi finally came over to me and said, “We haven’t formally met, what is your name?” “Marie.” “Wonderful. Good to meet you, Marie. I see you’ve started attending service. What do you think? And why are you looking to convert to Judaism?” So I told him I enjoy the service, even though I cannot understand 96.9% of what he’s saying unless I’m reading along. He asks, “yes, but do you get any sort of feeling, though?” “I sure do! Peace and happiness, just just a good, all around feeling.” “Good!” He says. So then I explain why I want to convert. He asks me, “Are you sure it is Judaism that you want to convert to? We have laws and guidelines which are strict and we must follow them. Judaism isn’t just a faith or religion, it is also a way of life. Do you think you can handle all of this? Doing things at certain times and keeping kosher, and so forth?” “Yes, I do, and I want to. And I understand the strict guidelines and that doesn’t bother me.” So he says, “Very good. Well, we cannot convert you here, we can guide you and teach you until it’s time, if this works out for you and if this is what you truly want. Now, may I ask you if you have Jewish heritage?” “Well….there’s no way anyone in my mom’s family was ever Jewish, all are from South Korea and are or were Buddhists. Maybe on my grandfather’s side but I’m not sure, blood wise, I mean, but my grandmother would know that.” So rabbi says, “I meant lineage, not necessarily on your mother’s side but father’s side as well. And I would love to meet your grandmother, you should bring her to synagogue sometime so I can pick her brain.” So I reply, “I would, but she lives almost 4 hrs. north.” “Ok, then when she comes down, bring her.” “Ok!” I spoke to him until it was almost 4pm and realized the time and left. Speaking to him really made me question my lineage, which I know almost nothing about.

[mariewarfield]

For Shabbat, I made Challah again. My 2nd attempt. The one on the left came out much more beautifully then the right side. Bottom wasn't burned this time. I was so proud!

[mariewarfield]

Sukkot

Jeez…I’m so late in posting. So last Monday, I skipped my new agent class (I'm a Realtor), and I attended service instead, for Sukkot. I brought my son for the first time. My other 2 children have not been with me to synagogue yet. We entered the shul, I grabbed a kippah from the basket in the front and put it on his head. I told him if it falls off, to be sure to put it back on (in which he did, I noticed 2 times it fell off and he put it right back on. FYI, my son is 4). I covered my own head and entered the dining hall area and into the kitchen to help the rabbitzen finish prepping a few things before service began. Once service began, I got to see the 4 seasons and what was done, how the service was held. I enjoyed myself. During the service, one of the Rabbi’s children took to my son (his oldest daughter), and my son took to her. She sat down to teach him some Hebrew, even gave him a Jewish name (she asked if he had one, to which my answer was not yet), and brought him in during the times the children were to enter (such as when the Torah went around). Afterwards, we enjoyed a nice kiddush in the Sukkah. We were all thankful there was an overcast but no rain. A good day to sit outside. I enjoyed myself, was at peace, and my son was too. In fact, he surprised me because he was behaving the best I’d ever seen!

[happykayak-deactivated20170710]

Please reblog/like if you're converting to Judaism

So I’ve noticed a few posts of converts trying to connect with each other. So I was thinking we could make a list of each other!

[mariewarfield]

So...I've never baked bread before, let alone anything from scratch. I decided I was going to make challah from scratch. I did a 6 strand braid. My 1st loaf I didn't get the braid right until the end, the 2nd loaf was fine. I need to get baking pans...they were huge. Tasted great though, I even did the blessing...

[mariewarfield]

My first visit to Synagogue

So the Rabbitzen gave me some tea lights to light for Yom Kippur and also Shabbat. I rounded up the kids on Yom Kippur, we give charity, lit the candles, and said the blessing. My kids are showing interest and excitement, even my 13 yr old. Anyways, I’m observing some, cutting out technology unless related to Judaism, not driving, etc. I decide I’m going to go to service on Saturday. I pick out my clothes and go to bed. I wake up the next day, excited and a bit nervous but not much…I get ready and leave. When I walk in, I’m greeted by everyone there, “Good Shabbos” and of course I know what it means but I haven’t said it to anyone out loud, really, so I say it back and I feel a little out of sorts, but it’s good. The rabbitzen comes out and greets me. We go to the basket of kippahs and find a lace covering for my head. We go into the temple, to the left and sit down. She places a siddar in front of me and tells me where they will begin. The rabbi is already praying…he had his daughter on his hip, rocking her side to side as he was praying hard. It made me smile. Daddy doing daddy duties while praying to G-d before service began. 10:30 comes around and the service starts. I was lost and didn’t understand about 96.9% of the service but it was all good. Rabbitzen showed me where we were and she was zipping along, reading the Hebrew side. Here I am thinking, I want to do that as well! By the end of the service I was following along in English quite nicely and I was feeling great. I joined them for kiddush, even helped prepare a couple of things (really just placing in the bowls) and set it out. The blessing and the food were amazing and I was so happy. Rabbitzen invited me to join services for Sukkot and an event they are having. I leave feeling refreshed and excited.

[mariewarfield]

And Sunday comes...it's time for my first class

Last Saturday, I waited until 9pm, and then called the Rabbi’s assistant. She tells me to hang on a moment and she will get her husband. Her husband? Why would I need to talk to him? Husband gets on the phone. It’s the Rabbi. Ohhhh….so she’s not your assistant, she’s the Rabbitzen… He asks me if I’ve ever been to one of their classes, no I respond. He says come tomorrow then, 6pm. Ok! See you then! So the following day, I strategically pick out my clothes, making sure they are conservative, or at least conservative enough lol. I leave and head to synagogue. I arrive 20 mins. early, so I message a friend who’s a modern orthodox Jew. I told him where I was and what I was doing and how excited and nervous I was….what kind of class could this be if there are no converts? Should I go in the front door? Oh no, I forgot something to cover my head, is there anything that they provide? He’s like, you’re fine. Just go before you drive us both insane. Ok, ok I say. So I get off the phone and take nothing but my keys. I walk up to the front door and pull it open. I see a little foyer type area which then leads to a dining room/kitchen and the temple off to the right. I didn’t step foot past the foyer. I see 2 men, 1 mumbles hang on under his breath and goes into the kitchen where I hear him say something in yiddish. He comes back out and says, “may I help you?” “Yes, I’m here for the 6pm class…” “ummmm…..there’s no class are you sure?” I’m thinking, great, turn away #1, 2 more to go….“Well…..yes….I…” and then a woman walks out, with a huge smile on her face. She says, “oh you must be Marie.” “I am.” “Great! Give me a few minutes, please.” “Sure, take your time.” She disappears back into the kitchen. The gentleman who I was initially speaking to says, “come, come.” Gestures to the chair, places a siddar on the table in front, pulls out the chair. “Sit. This is the siddar, it’s our prayer book if you would like to read….it’s goes like this…” as he shows me from back go front. “Hebrew on right, English on left.” “Ok, thank you.” I begin to read but the other gentleman was cracking jokes and had me laughing a bit, but I read about 2 pages of morning prayers before the rabbitzen came out. “Come.” She gestures to the temple. “Oh….do I need to cover my head? I didn’t bring anything, I’m very sorry….” “no, no, it’s ok.” So we walk in and sit on the right side of the wooden divider, the men’s side. “So tell me about yourself and what brings you to Judaism?” I give her the run down on me, summarized, and then elaborate as to why I wish to convert. Many reasons….I’m Catholic, none practicing….fallen away is what they would consider me. There’s many things I don’t agree with in Catholicism. One, I don’t see why I should go to confession and repent of my sins, thru a man who is also a sinner. I shouldn’t need to pray thru a priest to pray to G-d… “Bless me father, for I have sinned……it’s been X yrs. Since I've been to confession….” and in the end, we get a punishment. I’m a traditional, old school Catholic, and in order to receive the host, you must repent. So I would go to the front of the church and kneel and pray my punishment…..often saying the rosary once or twice….which leads me to another issue I have…..why are we praying to other figures? There’s a saint for everything. We pray to those saints for guidance or assistance or whatever….even to Mary. That’s what the rosary is…. (a prayer on most of the beads is hail Mary) “Hail Mary, full of grace, the L-rd is with thee, blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary mother of G-d, pray for our sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.” Kind of a morbid prayer to know huh? And here I am, young and a devout Catholic saying the rosary everyday….that's about 53 Hail Mary's...and look who you’re praying to...to Mary. Anyways, I was originally baptized Episcopalian, made 1st Holy Communion as one and then we converted Catholic when I was around 7 yrs old. I made 1st Penance, 1st Holy Communion, and Confirmation as a Catholic. We moved from Miami to a bodunk down in North Florida…worth while priests were slim pickings and after 2 failed attempts at finding a good Catholic Church, we took took a 4 month break and then began attending a Presbyterian Church. I was in the choir and involved with the church but I was bored. We left that church when the pastor passed away. In the meantime, my grandmother was dragging me to a Baptist Church on Wednesdays and Sunday evenings. Ohhh mann….torture. And this is where we ended up….attending a Baptist Church full time. I also tried Pentacostal Church but the whole speaking in tongues and convulsing to the floor after the pastor knocks you on the head is insane. No thanks. These people are nuts I think to myself lol. Non-denominational, great, up beat music but purely about the money. I call them money mills. No joke, the plate is passed around 4-5 times. My grandma also allowed the Jehovah Witness to come preach every Saturday morning…even went to ONE of their services and it was the LAST one. They locked the front doors to Kingdom Hall, while service was held. WEIRD. Cult like I felt. I considered Buddhism or Metaphysical…but I knew I would have have conflict because I’m not praying to G-d. I've always considered Judaism but didn’t want to make that step until I knew I was ready, and wouldn’t procrastinate or put it off. So here I am….lol She gives me the brief run down on Judaism, most I knew. Silly me for not knowing about the wigs and married women…. She invites me to services and events and everything, tells me I’m inspiring and this will take a while but we will do so in baby steps. I left fully happy because I was welcomed in with warmth and friendliness.

[jewishconfessions]

#118

The first time I wore a necklace with the Star of David in public with it hanging outside my shirt, I was punched in the face. I was 13.

[mariewarfield]

Wow. This hit me in the gut. I'm converting...I have a few Star of David pendants - going to make a couple of necklaces.... But... To read this....saddens me. I am proud to have finally made my decision to convert to Judaism, to wear the Star of David would be an honor.... I can't stand how people are just still this way, so hateful. I wish I would've been there for this...I would've punched that person in the face for punching this poor kid.

[mariewarfield]

[mariewarfield]

Sorry for going MIA

It’s been a very trying week. Started last week with my guilt for working on Shabbat. I’m a realtor, I was showing homes….it was for a good cause, for someone who needs a home immediately…their rental house is being auctioned off….but I know that would’ve never been a good enough excuse…so as I worked on Shabbat (both Friday and all day Saturday), all I could think about was my guilt (um…not sure why because I am not Jewish yet)…and how I wanted to at least try to observe… Same thing happened on Rosh Hashanah. This Shabbat is different. My youngest daughter, to whom I showed a few videos to, including Shalom Sesame…is now interested. She said she will help me to prepare for Shabbat (what’s even more funny is how she says it correctly…like a natural 😊)…is told her we cannot fully observe because I’m not sure of everything I need to do…I do not have anything like candles or stick holders….and I do not have separate pots/pans, utensils/cooking utensils, or dishes to keep Kosher…or the ingredients to make challah…. But we can at least try to somewhat observe…I told her no technology, well, for now, not unless it’s related to Shabbat. She liked watching the videos I pulled up on YouTube, she watched about 4 of them and asked to see more so I feel like she’s like me with this…she woke up this morning, wished everyone Shabbat Shalom. She’s so silly 😊 Class begins Sunday at 6pm….I’m praying this isn’t one of the “turn aways” and no one be there….because I’m driving 30 mins out of my way and paying for tolls…. Nonetheless, I’m so excited, still…maybe even more excited….!

[mariewarfield]

Speaking to a Rabbi

It’s been 2 days since my email to the Rabbi of my choice. I’ve heard nothing back, so I took it upon myself to call. Rabbi answers and informs me he has never handled a conversion, to call his father. So I did. Rabbi Sr. had more questions about myself and family and support but never asked me why I wanted to convert. He invited me to attend classes which will begin after Rosh Hashanah. I asked him if he gets a lot of people who wish to convert. We live in a city with a small Jewish community. He informed he really doesn’t, it’s rare. Interesting. That’s ok. I’m ready to convert and I cannot wait until class to begin! I was instructed to call his assistant to provide my contact info. Oddly, she’s the one who asked why I want to convert. Either way, let’s hope this works out.

[mariewarfield]

Making my first step of conversion....

Today, I made the first real step into my journey of conversion to Judaism. I sent an email to one of the local rabbi’s, asking for guidance in my journey. I am not sure what to expect and I fear the turning away 3 times, but if I am turned away, I will try again and again until I am accepted. Something calls me to Judaism and researching daily gives me a sense of peace. I seek peace with G-d as I also seek peace within myself. This is my journey….