Angst + Happy end. (I was going to write an angsty ending to this but I couldn’t bring myself to do it haha)
Warning: F-bombs, alcohol abuse.
Standing in front of the brightly lit YG building, you take solace in the biting cold that came with the changing season. Unlike the fiery heat of summer that burn everything in its sight, the cold is comforting and peaceful…Almost healing. Smiling up at your only night time companion for the last month and some days, your spirit lifted to see the man in the moon’s silver glow so brilliantly fighting the pollution of man-made light that drowns out even the most spectacular stars. As good of a friend as he is, now and then the moon leave you in darkness, taking his soothing light with him. During those nights, you learned to make friend to fill the empty void. Trudging over toward the gate, you bow to the familiar wrinkled face of the night guard. He’s always chipper despite the late hours. His high spirit and humor lull your desperation for daily human contacts to sleep; real genuine contacts, not the bullshit passing by greeting you get from work. Sure you have friends but with the high strung life of a twenty something in a big city, a few hours couple time a week is the most any of you can put out. During those hours, the sorrows melt away and nothing exist but laughter. The moment you step away from the radiance of friendship, the shadow of loneliness steps out from its hiding place.
Maybe I should just move in with the girls…
Shaking back to reality, your heart warms up a little at the still smiling uncle. You had actually gotten quite close to the him from all your trips to your boyfriend’s work.
- “Back again so soon? What’d you bring him today?”
- “Just some soup and sides. It’s getting cold so i thought soup will warm him up. I brought you some snack, that should help you pass the time” Smiling as he let you through.
- “Always so thoughtful. Thank you.”
The main reason why you brave the late night so often is so your boyfriend wouldn’t starve himself to death in the recording studio. You know full well what getting into a relationship with an idol means. There’s no need to describe it to anyone. The moment your friends learn about the occupation of your other half, they just sigh a sympathetic wish of luck. It’s rough indeed but you never did care. You know the late hours and the constant absences from home were all for the sake of achieving his dream. Who are you to stop someone you love so much from doing so especially when you never completed yours. The best you can do is support and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself in the process. Without thinking too much, your feet take you down a habitual path to the overworked boy. Knocking to make sure it was okay to enter, you’re hoping his mood isn’t too dampen by the weather today. After a few moments, the door creaks open and a tired bare faced Hanbin greets you. Greets, if that’s even the term to describe the situation. Barely even smile at the sight of his own girlfriend, the exhausted boy whispers a simple “hey” before turning back his work station.
I guess he’s in a bad mood today.
Bad mood or not, your aching soul yearns and screams for him so loudly that just seeing his face is enough to subdue its agony. Another reason why it doesn’t matter how treacherous the trip is, the end destination is always worth it. Taking the hint, this was no time to be a clingy girlfriend no matter how much your heart ache for just 1% of his attention. Quietly walking in, you set the food down on the coffee table nearby and find yourself slumping onto the couch. The sight of his hunched back, hand on his forehead rubbing it frustratingly crushes your heart. It’s always tough seeing him working so hard without resting. He’s always so rough on himself when the drying ink refuses portrays the vivid scenes in his mind correctly. God, what you’d give to have a glimpse into that wonderful mind. Despite the turmoil inside his brain, you can’t help but be mesmerize by the burning intensity yet tranquil scene of him hard at work. His face still graceful under the furrowed, vexed brows. Pillowy full lips mouthing out fleeting silent words that either get written down with a nod of approval or dissipate into thin air with a shake of rejection. While the dominant hand busily jotting down notes, the left hand travels all around, sometimes quietly tapping the desk, sometimes propping his weary head up. Your eyes trace every muscle, every vein, down to the two rings on the vena amoris finger. Two rings, one for you and one for the boys. You close your eyes and let your hand remember the feeling of his large hand interlacing yours so tightly every time you guys walk together. After another 5 minutes of waiting, your worn out mind decides it was time to leave. Obviously you’re not getting any time with him today. Shuffle over to the row of machines, you place your hands on his shoulders, massaging them softly hoping to ease some of his stress. You’re glad to see his shoulders relax, head leans back onto the chair letting you know it was okay to continue. This was the first time you touch him in almost a week. You hands drown themselves in the smooth milky skin of his slender neck, the strong shoulders and sharp collar bones. After a few minutes, you timidly say your goodbye.
- “I’m kinda tired tonight so i’m gonna head home. I didn’t take the car so it’ll take me awhile to get back too. Make sure you eat, I don’t want you to faint from overworking. I packed extra for the boys too so give it to them when you go home okay?”
Not even turning around, he breathes out something so low your ears barely register it.
- “Not my fault you love the cold so much you insisted on walking here…”
Solemnity fills the air and stark silence drowns out even the white noise. He spins his chair around to check out what was going on. A a cloud of awkwardness fills the air, so thick that you almost couldn’t breathe. Hadn’t fully intending for you to hear what he just said, he looks slightly fluster that you’re standing there looking like a deer in headlights. He tries to explain but you smile weakly and tell him not to worry.
- “I know i should’ve taken the car but i love the cold. Just make sure you eat… I’ll see you tomorrow night. Let me know what you want to eat.”
Not even bother to ask for a hug or a kiss goodbye, you quietly exit the room. Just before you reach the door, it suddenly swings open. A girl bordering her 20th year runs in exclaiming his name excitingly, ignoring your presence. She’s like a breath of fresh air pouring into the stuffy room and the atmosphere suddenly lights up. Hanbin had told you countless time about Soeun , the baby of YG entertainment. Even though she’s young, she’s beyond talented and beautiful. Favorite in everyone’s eyes, she pretty much could probably get away with murder. You’re not really a jealous or possessive girlfriend but what you witness next is heart wrenching. The charming, dimple inducing smile that you long for manifest itself on your boyfriend’s face the moment he sees the girl. Yet here you were, the girl he swore his life to couldn’t even get a genuine farewell from him. You excuse yourself from bothering the happy pair and soundlessly shutting the door behind you. Lately this has been the routine. Most of his time is spent in the studio. When he visit, it wasn’t the same anymore. It’s almost tedious, like a chore. His effortless laughter that used to chase yours around the apartment were gone. All the activities were done in silent, not the content kind but the deafening kind. The rare days he did sleep over, you’d jolted awake at 3AM to find an empty cold bed. Countless night you sit in a lonely bed staring at the moon, knees to your chest just imagining the warm unattainable sight of waking up to his raspy morning voice and crazy bedhead. You never did mind him not coming home when the relationship was in bloom. You didn’t because when he was home, there was endless cuddles. His arms never leave your body and his attention was all on you. You’d laugh and smile for absolutely no reason. When he has to leave for extended period of times or stay at dorm, your phone would be flooded with endless texts and picture updates. Sometimes you’d wake up to find cute little recording of him chatting about nonsense or just saying he misses you waiting in your phone. Even when he had to work late, you’d be working on the couch right beside him. As busy as work gets, just knowing that the other person was right there is enough. Lately, you two might as well be stranger. Your phone rarely ring with texts from him. If anything, it’s mostly the other boys updating you. It was getting harder and harder to accept this life you’ve chosen so confidently almost 2 years ago. The relationship feels like the fading shade of an unwanted rose, left to soften and waste away. If only there was something to quench its thirst… Going home seems kind of pointless at this point so you choose to wander around the city, keeping the darkening cold as your company.
After another hour of scribbling away on his note pad, the boy spins his chair around the empty room in frustration. Something in the corner catches his eyes, the neatly stacked boxes that his girlfriend had left for him. Saunters over to the small table, he picks up a sticky note with some cute doodle and a neatly written sentence telling him to eat well. Sinking himself onto the soft couch where she was a few hours ago, he begins to go through the stack. Each and every box packed with the food she knows he enjoys greatly. On the biggest box was another sticky note, he carefully peels it off to examine.
- “Babe, it’s getting really cold… I thought some soup would be fitting with the weather. Are you taking care of yourself? Don’t forget your jacket, you’re so forgetful sometimes when you’re busy. Don’t worry about me, it’s a little cold here without you but as long as you’re well, I’m well. I miss you. Love you lots.”
A small but heartfelt smile creeps onto his weary face.
Maybe it’s time to go home.
Pressing on his phone, the digital clock highlighted 1:35 above a moment frozen in time of his girlfriend sitting by the river under the cherry blossom trees. She looks like a goddess laughing so carefree under the sun shinning brightly behind her, flushed pink petals dancing all around the air. It was taken on their last picnic trip so many months ago. Thumb running over the part of the screen that show her face, he misses her so much a physical soreness pierces his chest.
I need to take her out on a date soon… I can’t believe we haven’t gone anywhere in so long. I bet she’d like that. Hopefully there’s time for a short vacation closer to Christmas. That girl love Christmas way too much it’s a little worrisome.
A small chuckle passes his lips as he thinks of the little quirks and habits that make her so HER. Packing everything away, his feet couldn’t possibly move faster toward the direction of her apartment. They had agreed to use it as their makeshift love nest for the time being. The dorm is too crowded to have any time alone. When the boys aren’t teasing them, they take her attention away from him and he didn’t like that. He has so little time with her and no one can get in the way.
- “Just you wait, baby. Some day I’ll have a big house and I’ll ask you to move in with me. We’ll go grocery shopping together, we’ll pick out furnitures together, we can cook together. Well you cook and I’ll supervise the taste. We can get a dog, or maybe 3, maybe cats too…”
- “And a bunny, I like bunny.”
- “You want me to ask Jiwon to move in with us?”
- “NOOOO, not him bunny… an actual small fluffy cottontail bunny. Jiwon is like a weird, jacked up, too hyper, crazy bunny that eat too much. I don’t know if I can stand him 24/7. we’d both go bankrupt trying to feed him.″
- “Oh okay, we can get a bunny. Phew, for a moment there I thought I couldn’t keep you satisfy so we need to bring Jiwon in.”
- “Yah! you dirty bastard. Where’s your mind going huh? I know you have a side thing with the crazy bunny when I’m not around but do I really need to hear about it?”
Her sweet laughter fills his brain as he replays the memory of the night he knew she’d be someone he can spend his life with. The night she crawled into his lap and told him she decided to move out from the old place she was sharing with her best friend. All for the sake of giving him some privacy when he needs her for his own. The air is so crisp and the night so clear. His happiness from knowing when he reaches his destination, she’ll be there waiting with an open arms illuminate the dark sidewalk. He couldn’t wait to get home and pulls her into his arms. Then he can enjoy the food she slaved for hours to make him while listening to her talk just as they used to do. He knows she’s tired from work too but his health is always top priority for her. She always make sure he’s in top shape and he loves her for it. Carefully entering the apartment, he notices the dark void from the crack under her bedroom’s door. His plan changes to just jumping straight into bed and soaks in her warmth. Food can wait till tomorrow, snuggling up to her seems like a better idea. However, what he found is unsettling in the worst way. A neatly made bed gleams under the moon light and a complete lacks of his love.
Where could she be at this hour… She left so long ago. What if something happened? Damn it, I shouldn’t have let her leave like that. She said she was tired and I just let her walk out like that. Why didn’t I just ask for a car to take her home. Shit.
Trepidation increases by the second, he furiously taps at his phone in hope of reaching her only to find the familiar ringtone in the next room. Sitting in one place isn’t his style so out the door he went. Not even sure where he’s running to, he just runs. He just needs to see her face. He needs to know she’s okay. His mind screams for her hoping she’d somehow senses that he needs her, wherever she is. His brain conjuring up the worst possible images in his head as distress conceals his every steps. Ignoring the crushing pain in his chest from running so hard, he just runs. After a few blocks, a sight that was like an arrow through his heart comes into view. Police cars and ambulances surrounding a scene of an accident. Muttering “no” repeatedly to himself, he runs as fast as his spent legs could carry him. His mind races 100 miles a second, reasoning to himself that it can’t be her laying there in the middle of the wreckage. Ignoring the instruction of the polices, all he could think of was pushing pass the barricade to see the victims. After a few minute of futile fighting and yelling, a hand grabs him from behind. Shoving it away, he was prepared to fight whoever it was that stopped him from getting his answers. His tantrum only ceases to exist when a warm smile reaches his eyes. It was the owner of the restaurant they used to go on date nights almost every week. It was only then he realizes where he is.
- “Ahjussi, I can’t find her. I’m going crazy here, what if that’s her. I came home and she wasn’t home and i went to find her but i can’t. she doesn’t even have her phone on her….”
He frantically waves his arms around and finally let all his worries manifest. Hands shoving through his hair harshly, panic engulfs his whole being as he paces back and forth.
- “ Hanbin, calm down. That’s not her. Hey! look at me. Listen, that’s not her. She went home, I saw her walked home before the accident happened. Go home and check. She said she was going home.”
The boy’s mind finally eases as he thanks the old man before running off into the neon lit street once again. Rushing into the apartment, he desperately searches for any sign that she made it home.
Wait, that jacket wasn’t there before, was it? Was that what she was wearing? Damn it Hanbin, you can’t even remember what she wore? How fucked up can you be. She spent her time and energy to see you and you can’t even remember what she wore.
All of his work seems so insignificant now as compare to a few hours ago when she was waiting so patiently for him in the studio. Why didn’t he just pay a little more attention to her when she was there. He’s so mad at himself that he didn’t think about the glass clinking in the kitchen. Hasten into the kitchen, his lungs finally functioning again seeing his heart and soul leaning onto the kitchen counter with a glass in her hand.
Wait, why is she drinking?
After a long walk, your aching body longs for the warmth of home. The cold isn’t so comforting when it matches the tone of your own heart. The clarity of the cold air seems to does wonder as decision were made… Good or bad, only time can tells. Walking by the restaurant that once were yours and his second home, you sigh in sadness. Just then the owner stumbles out of the door. Haven’t seen him in so long, you call out to the old man to wish him goodnight.
- “I haven’t seen you and Hanbin in so long… We miss you guys.”
- “He’s been really busy with work so we haven’t had much time lately.”
- “Well, come by soon okay? I’ll give you guys discount.”
- “I will, once he finishes with the album. I’ll buy all of the food you can make.”
You wave goodbye and head home. Once there, all the tiredness seems to dissipates and desolation in its place. You carelessly throw your jacket onto the floor knowing he’s not coming home anytime soon. You strip down into just your undergarments. Away from the constricting clothes that was slightly dampen from the powdery rain, strewing them messily along your path . What’s the point of cleaning up anyways, nobody will see. Everything in this home reminds you of what thing could be… No, what things should be.
Could be, should be, whatever. It’s too much for your feeble heart right now. Dragging yourself to the kitchen, you hope alcohol would bring you the sleep you desire, or at least makes home less suffocating. You’re distracted but not so much that you didn’t notice the untouched packed meal you left at the studio had somehow made it home.
Who fucking care anyways…
As you down shots after shots, you were feeling much better mentally. Physically, not so much as you lean onto the counter to support your weight. The view of a handsome panting boy tottering into the kitchen snaps you out of your trance. At the sight of your almost naked body, he stop dead in his track and just stare blankly. You put your shirts on then call out to him.
- “What the hell are you doing here?”
Not even acknowledging your question, he just sigh loudly and overwhelms your body with a big hug. Ignoring his touch, you pour yourself another shot before his hands force you to stop. Turning you around to face him, his concerning expression worries you a little but all your senses are too numb to care.
- “I got worried when i got home and you weren’t here. Then there was the accident down the street. For a moment i thought i lost you. Thank god you’re here. I don’t know what I’d do if i lose you.” hand stroking your cheek tenderly, a burning kiss sears your forehead.
- “It seems like you’re doing fine without me.”
You scoff coldly before pushing him off. Bottle in hand, you make your way toward the living room and drop onto the couch. You barely got another swig in before he forcefully rips the bottle from your hand.
- “What the fuck are you doing?”
- “What do you mean i’m doing fine without you? and since when did you binge drinking like this?”
- “If you pay a lil more attention maybe you’d know when. Give me the bottle.”
You slur at him before trying to get your poison back. Pushing you back onto the couch, he walks back into the kitchen and empty the bottle. Back in the living room, he takes a seat next to you but you scoot away to the opposite end of the couch but he’s faster. He pulls you into another tight hug placing quick kisses on your hair and cheek.
- “Look, I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately but please talk to me before killing yourself with alcohol.”
- “haven’t been the best boyfriend?” a mirthless chuckle slips out of your throat “You must be joking. Hanbin, you haven’t been my boyfriend at all lately. I don’t think you have the right to barge in here and demanding a talk.”
- “I think we should break up. I’m moving back in with the girls.”
Feeling brave from the drinks, you cut him off before he could say anything else. It catches him completely off guard as he stammers in confusion about what he just heard. His arms fall away from your body and you take the chance to put some distance in between.
- “Just so you know, i’m not doing this because of your crazy work hours or your job. Your job and your passion isn’t what’s wrong with this relationship. Those qualities were partly why i fell in love with you in the first place. So don’t be going around telling people i dumped you because we grew apart from your busy schedule or whatever bullshit excuse you celebrities use when tabloids digs for answer. It’s the fact that you don’t give a shit.” Your mind starts spinning slightly. Shaking your head to regain focus, you continue.
- “I was perfectly happy with just seeing you at the studio or communicate through the phone. I really was and you know what, just knowing you thought about me every waking seconds was enough to keep my heart lit. Everything was bearable because I have you. Lately, you’ve been such an asshole that I can’t deal with it anymore.”
- “Baby, please. Don’t do this. I know I’m wrong…” misery spills out from his frowning lips.
- “Do you tho? do you really? do you? Cause i don’t think you do.” anguish pulls you into its cold embrace.
He just sits and stares at the unraveling drunken mess that you are, waiting for another outburst.
- “ You don’t so I’ll tell you. We don’t talk anymore. We don’t even touch anymore for God’s sake. You’re like this ice cold king that my peasant self can’t reach. The moment a rough patch hit, you retreat and run away. No matter how much i chase, i can never catch up. Why should I bother chasing you anymore if you don’t want to be caught. Why do I even waste time cooking for someone that doesn’t even care to eat. Why’d you bring it home for, just throw the food away. it’s not like my time worth anything to you anyways. I care for you but all my effort just get rejected. You know how much that hurt? You wanna know what done me in tonight? My boyfriend, the love of my life, the light of my day couldn’t even spare me a smirk. Then some girl burst in like an annoying, icky ball of sunshine and he smiles like he just won the lottery. Every night i come to drop you food, you act like i’m forcing you into doing chores. the reason why I still come even though you barely even notice me is because at least I feel like I’m still doing you some good… Making sure you’re healthy, the least I could do.” You let out a bitter laugh. “It’s funny really, I guess i’m like a depressing blackhole that suck all your happiness away like a dementor. Oh and what was that reaction just now huh? Is my body that disgusting to you that you lost all your thought? Is that why you stop fucking me? Don’t even try to play it off as you were aroused because i know those eyes. Those are not the I’m-attracted-to-you eyes. Well I’m sorry i don’t have a whole team of stylists looking after every details of my body like someone else. You know, if I bored you so much that you’d come home to sleep for 2 hours before heading back to the studio again then I apologize. Really, I am sorry. I guess i don’t have that wow factor, that.. that spunk that the new girl got to keep you hanging around. But who careee… You’re free to go fuck whoever you want now. Just don’t let the door hit you on your way out yea?”
You’re not even sure what you’re talking about anymore. The slumber was getting stronger and your impaired brain isn’t making much sense. The image of him in front of you now looks more like a Picasso painting than a person. Everything is so blurry. You can feel all your senses dimming out as the darkness closing in. Hanbin didn’t say much, he just sits. It wasn’t long before you hit the couch and snore the sleepiness away.
Staring at his sleeping beauty on the couch, he couldn’t feel any less like prince charming than he does now. The boy couldn’t fathom what pain she went through before ending up at this point. He blames himself for every bit of her anger, her sadness, and her pain. He vowed to take care of her the day she say yes to being his but now it was the opposite. She took care of him and he took her for granted. His tears doesn’t even compare to hers. She sheds her alone, without anyone to see. Moving closer to his girlfriend, her body seems so fragile, much more than usual. His eyes caresses her body from head to toes before racing back at the bare, void of the sun’s touch spot on her ring finger. She had taken the ring she loves so dearly off and he was too caught up in his own life to notice. A sharp pain penetrate his chest as he exhales slowly, murmuring a low “I’m so sorry, baby” to her. Petting her hair, he places a kiss onto her temple, then her lips in fear he may no longer be able to do so once she’s awake. Just then a sweet voice sounds out. This wasn’t the stern slurring he endured the last 10 minutes. This was something he failed once again to notice that had been absent from her for so long. Recently, her voice took on a somber note, almost desperate. All she wanted is a warm reply from him but he denies her the satisfaction.
- “Stop it! I have a boyfriend.” her hand moves to swat his face away.
Surprise at her reaction, he moves her long and soft hair out of her face for a closer look. Fast asleep, serene graces her face. Her expression soft and innocent, unlike the hurt and tired face that greeted him not too long ago.
She’s so beautiful. I really haven’t just look at her in so long…
Staring at his girlfriend is something he used to do so often. He likes to just watch her go about her business. She does everything with such an admirable ease. No effort was ever needed for her to be beautiful or confident. She just is. He settles another kiss onto her pink cheek. Putting a hand on her shoulder, he attempts to move her to the bed before she speaks out again.
- “Hey, i told you. I have a boyfriend. If you don’t listen I’m gonna have to call him.”
Even in her intoxicated state she’s protective of their relationship. A hot tear streams down his face. How could he lets this gone so far. What if she never going to forgive his mistakes. Ignoring her sleepy antic, he carries her away to the bed.
- “My boyfriend is really strong you know. He’ll beat you up.”
The boy whispers back, not anticipating an answer. He just wants to feel the warmth of having a conversation even if she’s not going to answer.
- “Yea! he’s really hot too. but i don’t care about that. i didn’t fall in love with him because of his money or look. Even if he’s bald and old and wrinkly, i’ll still love him.”
Startle at her replies, he becomes aware that he has never seen her drunk. She’s always the one taking care of him when he’s drunk because he can’t hold his liquor even if his life depends on it. This talking habit is completely new to him. Torn between letting her rest or letting the conversation continues, he sets her down on the bed and pull a blanket over her bare legs. She didn’t even bother putting on pants, just her shirt. Laying down next to her, he decided to let her sleep but goes against his decision only mere seconds later. He misses talking to her too much. He misses her voice even more… he just misses her. They could talk for hours about absolutely nothing but lately, no words seems to be found.
- “Tell me more about your boyfriend.”
He tests the water, waiting patiently, hoping she’ll reply.
- “Yea, my B.I oppa is so cool. He’s really good at rapping and everybody loves him. Lots of girls like B.I but I like Hanbin oppa more. He’s funny and caring. Shhh, don’t let him know i like calling him oppa.”
- “Really? Okay, it’ll be our secret. Is he that cool though?” he chuckles at her cute words about him.
- “He’s a really awesome. I’d die before i let him go, I don’t think he even know how much i love him. Mr. bartender, you’re so nosy. Are you trying to steal him? He’s mine you know, you can’t have him.”
- “You love him that much?”
- “Yea… but he hates me though. He doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore.”
- “That’s not true…” he protests at her words, heart sinks at the word “hate”
- “he’s cold… i can feel him slipping away so i’ll just be a good girl and let him go. I just want him to be happy.”
The boy can no longer hold back the sorrow as his tear streams freely. Has he been that careless that his love for her turns into hatred. Bending down to kiss her, all he can think of is how to protect her and fix everything.
- “I promise you, I’ll make everything better.”
Silence returns to the shared bed as she finally falls into deep sleep. He lays down and pulls her into his arms. Naturally, she presses her face onto his chest and arm fasten around his torso. Another kiss on her hair before he closes his eyes for some much overdue sleep. A much needed cuddle from his energy source.
You finally awaken as the pestering sun hit you squarely in the eyes. Cursing at yourself for not closing the curtain before going to sleep last night, you realize someone is holding your shoulder tightly. Opening your eyes as you jerk your head up out of the pillow. The arm only tighten its hold even more as you hear a comforting raspy morning voice you haven’t heard in a long time.
- “Baby, 10 more minutes. Why are you getting up so early?” he whines.
Too stun to process the situation, you freeze on the spot. Sensing you’re not laying back down, he reaches his other arm over and flip you into spooning position. Snuggling his face into your neck, he takes in a long whiff.
- “Hmm, i miss this scent so much. Let me cuddle you for a little longer.”
Obediently laying still in his arms, you can’t deny that your heart is elated for the first time in long while. Forgetting temporary about your problems, your eyes flutter close once again to enjoy the coziness. The second awakening feels much more like the usual norm, bed empty and cold despite the sunlight dancing around on the blanket. Letting out a loud sigh, you pull yourself out of bed for a glass of water.
Why the fuck did I drink so much for someone that can’t even bother to stay…
Your thought snips short by the sound of water running. Stumbling into the kitchen, you see your small frilly pink apron barely cover the broad shouldered tall boy that is now frantically trying to stir something in the pan. Your eyes cock up in curiosity as you venture over to see. He doesn’t even notice that you’re slowly making your way over to turn off the running faucet.
- “Shi– Baby! why are you creeping around like that. I thought my heart was gonna hop out of my chest.”
- “It’s MY apartment.” you enunciate.
- “I mean, nevermind. How are you feeling? You drank so much last night i kinda got scared. I tried to make you breakfast but it didn’t quiet worked out… So i had to changed plan. I got you coconut water, it’s in the fridge”
- “Please don’t burn down my apartment.” You say coldly before turning your heels toward the fridge.
- “Go sit down, i’ll bring you your food.”
You raise an eyebrow at him, annoyed at his chirpy exterior. He has that stupid smile on his face that’s telling you there’s no fighting him. Yet there’s a most infinitesimal tinge of sadness in the corners of his slightly puffy eyes. You drag yourself over to the dinning table and sit down. You sprawl onto the table, not feeling too hot. He struggles over after another 5 minutes of pacing around the kitchen, a big bowl in his hands. He sets it in front of you. You couldn’t help but smile a bit inside at his masterpiece of what looks like a messy bibimbap. Places a kiss on your cheek before he runs off and lugs over a tray full of food for himself.
- “Eat! I know it’s nothing compare to your cooking… I might’ve burnt the other breakfast a bit too much so i ended up making this with the left over in the fridge.”
He chuckles nervously before digging into his own food. You’re just too focus on watching his expression as he eat.
- “Wait, is that what i brought you last night?” you say hoarsely
- “Yea. I didn’t get a chance to eat it last night so i brought it home so we can have late dinner together. but then someone went and had liquid dinner instead.”
- “Why are you eating old food. I’ll make you new one.” you softly sigh.
You reach over to grab his tray but he pushes your hand off.
- “No, you spent a lot of time and love on this. I have to eat it. It’s so good babe. How did you even learn to cook this well.”
Too tired to fight, you sit back in your chair and just continue watching him. Totally forgetting about your own food until he pauses the vacuum that is his mouth and stares at you.
- “Is it not edible at all? It’s okay, I’ll go buy you breakfast.”
- “No… I don’t feel like eating.”
- “That’s no no. You have to eat, is this why you’ve lost so much weight lately? You’re not even eating anymore?”
Setting his spoon down in a matter of factly, he continues to nag you about the importance of food. You can sort of see why he might be annoy at your constant badgering for him to eat. Though you never really nag him the way he nags you right now. No wonder the boys complain so often. He scoops a big spoon full and airplanes it to your mouth.
- “Open up, if you’re not gonna eat then I have to do this. Come on.”
Grumpily, you open up your mouth after the 5th time he shoves the spoon onto your pursed lips. His lips curl into a smile again seeing you chew. He prepares another spoonful and sets it down before moving back onto his own food. Begrudgingly shove another spoon into your own mouth, your heart flutter seeing him enjoying your food so much. He sucks up all his food in matter of minutes while you took close to an hour. He drags you over to the couch and gestures for you to sit while he cleans up. Falling onto the couch with your legs still hanging off the side clutching your stomach, you got angry at yourself for drinking so much. Then you see a pair of legs move in front of you before Hanbin squat down and kisses your forehead.
- “So, about last night… I’m not gonna give you some dumb excuse as if it’d justify my actions. There’s no excuse good enough for what i did. Just let me tell you my feeling before you make any decision. If…If after hearing my side and you still want to…”
- “Break up?” you add in when his voice trails off, choking inside his throat.
- “Yea… that. If you still want to do that and move out then i will let you. But just know i’m not letting you off so easily. I will fight my way back into your life if that does happened.”
You stare at the sadness that’s playing around on his handsome features and nod, gesturing for him to go on.
- “I took advantage of your love for me. I thought i could take my feeling out on you and it’d be fine. You’re my girlfriend, not my therapist or my punching bag. I got so self-centered that i forgot you’re also just human, not some goddess that can wave a hand and makes the world right.”
- “Excuse you but I AM a goddess, get it right.”
You joke, even if it came out monotonous and dry from the queasiness in your stomach. You can sense he’s punishing himself on the inside and that hurts you. Even though all morning he puts up a happy front for you, he’s dying in pain. You’ve been together long enough that it’s not hard to spot. Whenever he’s hurt, you’re hurt. You just want him to relax… partly feeling guilty for screaming words like knives at him the night before.
- “Yes, you are.” places a kiss on your forehead. “I apologize for upsetting my beautiful goddess.”
He smiles nervously, nerve relaxes a little as he sit down crossed legs on the floor.
- “In all seriousness… I couldn’t take my anger out on anyone so it falls onto your lap and that’s not fair. I know we vowed to be together through thick and thin but you didn’t ask for this unfair life. I know it seemed like I was happy to see Soeun last night but in reality, I just have a certain level of professional courtesy to uphold. I couldn’t let everyone see my pain. I was helping with writing a song for her new album and it’d be bad if she goes around saying i’m grumpy all the time. It’s exhausting having to hide my feelings all the time. You’re the only one that see through it even when i smile. So i thought it was okay to lash out at you. I got too comfortable and i hurt you. I’m really sorry… I just needed someone to blame. i know last night it seemed like i didn’t want to look at you but, i got so sad and shock seeing the state i put you in. I’ve been neglecting you, neglecting us so much that i didn’t even realize. My heart hurt seeing you like that. You looked like you were upset so i didn’t want to add to your stress by calling you out for it. I know i pushed everything too far because you’ve let go of the promise i made you. I can only hope there’s some way you let me make it up to you…”
He reaches over and play with your vacant ring finger. Understanding what he mean, your hand brushes through his bang and down to his cheek, caressing the tears away. His words and emotions are so sincere you can’t stay mad at him. You weren’t really mad to begin with, just tired and wanted to be heard. His face nuzzles into your hand, turning over to place a kiss onto your palm.
- “Silly boy, i took it off to cook for you. I almost dropped it down the drain last time so I took it off yesterday to be safe. It slipped out of my hand and bounced behind the nightstand. It’s too heavy to move and you haven’t been home so…”
His eyes light up like it was Christmas and his frown quirks up into a small playful smile.
- “So you didn’t take it off on purpose because you’re mad? Let your really strong, really hot, awesome boyfriend B.I oppa take care of that.”
- “I drunk talked in my sleep didn’t I? please forget about that.”
Running off into the bedroom, you heard a ruckus before he swiftly reappears in front of you. Sitting on the couch now, he pulls you up to sit in his lap. Large hand gently holds yours, he slips the ring back onto your finger before bringing it up to his lips for a soft kiss.
- “Don’t take it off ever again. If you damage it, we’ll get it fix. If you lose it, we’ll get a new pair. Just like how I will spend the rest of my life fixing us, making us better. Yes, I heard you talk in your sleep last night and no, i will never forget what you said. Of course I know how much you love me because I love you even more. I did forget for a moment but i remember now. If you wanna be a good girl then stay by my side. Don’t leave.” He flashes his dimple at you, smiling brightly. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I lost my way, baby. But that doesn’t mean that i hate you. As long as you’re here, I will always find my way back home to you. Trust me when I say all your time and effort is not a waste. It always make my day knowing you put thought into taking care of this useless boyfriend of yours.”
You hook your arm around his neck, pulling his face onto your shoulder. He response by tighten his hold around your waist, softly sigh in satisfaction. Hands running through his hair again, you lean in for a long waited kiss. It sends a bolts of thunder down into your heart and the dark pit in your stomach disappear. Pulling away from the kiss, you stares into his eyes, forehead resting on his.
- “I love you unconditionally, Kim Hanbin. Don’t you ever forget that. If life gets too hard, just know I’m right here. You can tell me anything. Lean on me once in awhile too, I’ll always wait for you with open arms. Don’t make me chase you anymore. You saw where bottling everything up got us… I know it’s hard for you to let go and show your weak side but to me, you have no weak side. You’re the strongest person I know.”
- “I love you so much. If i ever step out of line again, beat me up. Don’t suffer on your own.”
- “I can’t, if you get hurt i get hurt too… There’s still one thing I don’t get, how come you haven’t been sleeping over lately. I miss you and your crazy bedhead.”
- “I’ve been having some problem coming up with lyrics for Soeun’s album. I couldn’t sleep lately and I know how early you have to work. I didn’t want to ruin your sleep too. I miss you so much.”
- “Haven’t you learn by now i’m a heavy sleeper? Just use me as your body pillow.”
He presses another kiss onto your lips before pulling away and rest his head on your shoulder. Snuggling up tight, arms around your waist, he makes himself as small as possible to fit into your embrace. While rubbing his back, his teasing words come back into your mind.
- “You’re never gonna forget about the ‘my boyfriend is really strong, really hot, and really awesome’ thing are you?” you lean back to look at his face.
- “Nope, call me oppa.” a mischievous grin appears as he winks.
- “Why are you acting like it’s such a chore, you said you like it. Call me oppa, or else.”
He starts to tickle your side causing a fit of laughter to pour out. You try your best to push him off but alas, he’s still much stronger. His laughter follows the cheerful sound of your own. Both of your hearts feel so free after a long stretch of hiding in shadow.
- “Okay, oppa stoppp. If you don’t stop I’m gonna throw up, I don’t feel good.”
- “What was that? I thought I heard something…did you say something?” He teases and his hand relentless.
- “OPPA, Hanbin oppa. stop!”
- “Alright, I’ll stop. I don’t need you barfing on me. Come here.”
He smiles and pulls you in for a long passionate kiss, arms still holding onto you tight.
- “What do you say we plan out some dates for next week? I don’t know if I’ll get days off or not but we can go somewhere for a few days toward the end of the year too, if you want. I know your Christmas fanatic butt will like that.” He asks, still snuggling into your neck.
- “How bout just dinner date for now, ahjussi said he’ll give us discount. We’ll worry about Christmas when it’s here.”
Leaning back onto the couch, he motions for you to rest on him. Letting your head falls onto his chest, you closes your eyes and enjoy your favorite pastime of cuddling up to your teddy bear boyfriend. He closes his arm around his love, feeling glad fate is in his favor still. Everything is back to the way it should be.
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