“Hey, Uncle Bucky, when’s daddy coming home?”
Bucky looked up at me ‘you still haven’t told her?’ his blue eyes asked while his lips said nothing. It had been six months. He looked down at the chubby-cheeked little girl with a sad look in his eyes. He didn’t have it in him to lie to her, to give her a sense of false hope and he certainly didn’t have it in him to tell her the truth and break her little heart either. He ruffled her dark curly hair before joining me in the already cramped kitchen. I was cooking dinner. He leaned against the counter and watched as I circled around the kitchen, chopping things that were already chopped and washing things that were already washed; doing anything not to look at him.
“You need to tell her the truth.” He whispered softly, forcing me to turn around and find him standing behind me. I looked over at my three-year-old daughter playing with her tea-set on the carpet of my living room. Every time I looked in her big blue eyes, I saw him. They were his eyes; kind and gentle.
“…and what is the truth, Buck?” I asked callously and watched as Bucky’s features changed. He couldn’t say it. He thought that if he didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be true.
I knew what I was getting in to when I decided to start a life with him. I could deal with the long missions because I always knew he’d come back to me. I could deal with being on the run with a toddler and a brainwashed assassin because I had him with me. Every day that passed, it was becoming harder and harder to sleep without him, to breathe without him, to live without him. He was my everything…
Retrospectively, I should have not let him go on that mission. I should have made up an excuse about why I – no, why we needed him at home. Steve assured me that Bucky would have his back even though it was just a standard op. I will never forget the look on Bucky’s face when he knocked on my door.
“Where’s Steve, Bucky?” I had asked; excited to see the love of my life. I had prepared his favourite dinner – a pot roast – and wore the red dress that he loved so much. Our baby girl – Sarah James – waddled over from the couch and clung to my leg, looking up at her forlorn uncle Bucky. “Why don’t you go watch some Zoboo, sweetie?” She cheered as she bounced onto the couch and turned on the TV. I gestured for him to follow me to mine and Steve’s shared bedroom. After I shut the door behind us, Bucky couldn’t hold it together anymore. He sank to his knees and sobbed helplessly. I knelt down beside him and enveloped him in my arms. He clung on to me as if I were a life raft and he was drowning.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” He repeated over and over again into the crook of my neck.
“Tell me what happened.” I demanded, my voice broke towards the end.
‘Steve went back for some hostages a-and h-he couldn’t… the building… I tried to…” That was all he could get out through his sobs and it was all I could bear to hear.
I was mindlessly stirring the meatballs around in the pot, thinking about how my life had gone to hell in less than a year.
“You ready to go, doll?” Bucky spoke suddenly and pulled me out of my thoughts. Sarah was resting on his hip with her arms around his neck, her diaper bag hung from his shoulder and a bright pink ball was clasped between his metal fingers.
“Where are we going?” I asked in confusion and he furrowed his brows together.
“I asked you if you wanted to take Sarah to the park and for ice-cream and you said ‘yes.’” Bucky reminded me but I had no recollection of the conversation. I went along with it anyway.
I sat on a park bench and watched as Sarah chased Bucky around the park. He jogged away from her just fast enough to evade her reach until she finally grabbed his leg and he lifted her off the ground. She cooed excitedly as he tossed her in the air before setting her down again. ‘Again, again.’ She cheered, waving her hands about for him to toss her again. He made her promise it would be the last time before he spun her around and tossed her into the air. Her happy shrieks echoed in the wind and I couldn’t help but smile longingly.
“I’m going to sit with Mommy now, okay?” He asked and she nodded before running towards some birds.
“Not too far, Sarah!” I called after her but I don’t think she heard me. Bucky sat down next me to and I instinctively laced my fingers through his. “Thank you for all this, Buck.” I smiled warmly before scooting closer to him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and we watched as Sarah kicked the pink ball around in the grass. She began running faster and faster. “Slow down!” I yelled but she didn’t hear me and the ball got caught under her leg. She tumbled forward and landed on the grass. Bucky was about to run towards her when she picked herself off the ground and dusted the leaves off her dress. She waved at us before chasing after her ball again. It had rolled onto the other side of the park.
“There’s no need to thank me, it’s what Steve would have wanted.” Bucky planted a soft kiss on the top of my head and held me against his chest. I could feel the steady beats of his heart against my cheek. “Sarah is a tough one, she reminds me of Steve.” Bucky observed and I couldn’t help but smile. At least, there was a part of Steve that I still had left.
“Where’s Sarah?” I asked suddenly, looking around the playground for my baby girl. She was nowhere to be seen. I began to panic. “SARAH!” Bucky and I called out in unison.
How had she disappeared so quickly?
“Sarah!” We shouted again and we saw her collecting her pink ball from a man in a blue jacket and a white t-shirt.
She threw her arms around his waist and I couldn’t see his face but I could tell he was smiling. Sarah ran back to Bucky and I. We hugged her tightly but Bucky kept his eye on the stranger to make sure he wasn’t a threat. The man was walking away. There was an air of familiarity about the way that he walked. I looked up at Bucky, both his fists were clenched tightly. He was thinking of going after the man. “Hey Buck, she’s okay… we’re okay, just let it go.” I murmured softly, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down to join our hug. “Sarah, what did I tell you about talking to strangers?” I scolded when I finally let go off her.
She looked at me through big, doe eyes before handing Bucky her ball.
“The man said his mom’s name was Sarah, too…”
A/N: This felt like it was all over the place. I hope you guys like it. What do you guys think?
