On Halloween 2013, my wife and I signed the papers on our very first home. Just a few days later, we found out my mom had an extremely aggressive form of Pancreatic Cancer. Needless to say, we spent Christmas with her that year instead of celebrating in our amazing new (to us) house. I don't say that with any regret or disappointment. I'd have given up 100 Christmases at home to be with my mom if I knew each one would be the last.
Mom passed away on February 1 of this year (2014). It's been tough losing her. Especially when it's dark and quiet and I'm left to my thoughts. There are just so many things I'd love to say. Sometimes I do. I have faith she's hearing me, but at the very least, the walls hear me, and that's okay too.
This year, my wife and I decided that we were going to spend Christmas at home. Our home. Anyone that wanted to join us was welcome, but I wasn't going anywhere. The holidays took their toll on us last year so we spent the day binging on episodes of American Horror Story III, cooking, drinking mimosas, eating ham sandwiches (one of my steady clients got us a ham for Christmas) and reminiscing about our life together and my mom. We laughed and cried, joyful that our Christmas dinner came together damn-near perfectly, but slightly disappointed that my mom, the only person we know who would actually appreciate the real leaded crystal glasses, Spode Christmas Dishes and tiny tree, wasn't here to see it.
But we found peace in knowing that somewhere, she was watching over us, sending us her Christmas wishes in the form of beautiful sunshine and cool, crisp air; the first in days. And we found peace in each other, for that is what we promised to do when we said our vows to one another.
We veered from the traditional stuffed birds for dinner and went southern style with a beautiful roast beef, vegetables, mashed potatoes and gravy (the gravy was a bit of an experiment for me as I'd never done it before, but it turned out okay), macaroni and cheese, green bean casserole and, of course, a little something for dessert. It wouldn't be Christmas without some sweets, would it? Fortunately for us, my amazing in-laws stopped over to eat (actually, my mother-in-law brought the "G.B. Cass," as she calls it) and we had an incredible dinner with them by our first Christmas tree in our new home.
This time of year will always feel just a little bit empty without mom, I guess. But I have an amazing support system in my wife and family and I have a damn-fine recipe for a rosemary roast beef that will knock your socks off. So I guess Christmas will go on. And perhaps mom will grace us with her presence from year-to-year in the form of a hint of sunshine on such a joyous holiday.
From my family to yours, Merry Christmas and may the new year bring with it happiness, hope and grace.
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