MD-Letters

Open letters about life and love.

[md-letters]

Dear -,

You’re angry. But not at me, at Monday and all the little annoyances. You’re never angry at me.

I fix the problem and light some incense. You calm and smile.

You make me smile. I think of all the things you do to show how much you love me. The way you make funny noises in my ear when we hug to make me laugh (especially if I’m sad). The way you kiss me multiple times at once. When you say ‘yes!’ and ‘I just love being close to you’ everytime we snuggle on the couch or in bed. The way you make me tea when you can see me ill or stressed.

It’s these little moments of real life that make me love you and life with you the most.

Love,

MD

[md-letters]

Dearest -,

You called me plonker and in that moment I fell in love with you and knew that you would be my forever.

Love,

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

I have to thank you.

I have to thank you for the awful way you treated me. For the way you started something you never intended on finishing. For the way you pretended to like me.

I have to thank you, because without the experience of you I would never have noticed or appreciated the respect, kindness and love that my new relationship gives me now.

I would never have noticed how his thumb rubs mine when we hold hands. I would never have noticed how he runs his fingers through my hair when we’re watching tv. I would never have noticed how he makes sure that he can catch me if I trip when stepping off of something because he’s figured out that I’m more than a little bit clumsy.

So thank you. Thank you for your lack of love. Because now I’ve found mine and I will love him with all that I am because I know that I am safe to do so.

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

I live in a world

Full of paradoxes, so

I became one too.

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

I honestly have no idea what possessed me to join internet dating. It’s both exciting and utterly demoralising. I’m torn between keeping it because it opens possibilities and deleting it cause am I really ready for this kind of thing?

Relationships are hard. Relationships are scary. If I’m honest with myself, then my last relationship has knocked me. I hate that. I hate that I’m scared. I’m scared of being hurt. Of being vulnerable. I can feel these newly built defences in my life. New armour to protect me and I don’t like it. I don’t like that he stole that innocence from me.

I’ve got to take it slowly. It’s a good step. It’s good to face fears and be brave. Because I am brave and strong, and this is how I heal myself.

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

You’ll never get an apology. You’ll never get the chance to look him in the eye and show him how much he hurt you. You’ll never get the chance to say all the thoughts and feelings inside of you.

You’ll never understand what happened. You’ll never understand how he could turn so insensitive and cold. You’ll never understand how he could just stop caring for you.

You don’t need an apology. Forgive him. Not for him baby girl, but for you.

You don’t need to understand. Let go. Not for him beautiful, but for you.

Your heart is in pain, I understand that and I know that it won’t just go away. In a strange way that pain is beautiful because it shows your love and care. But you need to forgive and let go. You need to forgive him and forgive yourself. You need to let go of the hurt and the pain and the anger. That is the first step.

The second step is to smile. I know you might not feel this way right now but one day you will be thankful. You will be thankful that he broke up with you, because it has opened your world to new and better. Also, if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably realise that you are much happier without him.

You are strength and love.

MD

[md-letters]

Dear -,

I am so proud of you!

Love,

MD

[md-letters]

Dearest -,

You know what? Insecurities are real. And they’ll probably always creep up on you. But they’re not true.

You are a Queen. Beautiful and graceful, loving and feisty. You rule your world. You protect the ones you love and like so many you forget to fight for yourself.

You are worthy. You are worthy of love and respect. You’re beautiful not only on the outside but also down to the very marrow of your bones because of who you are.

You deserve all the love and admiration.

Do you want to know a truth? You are whole. You can never be broken. You cannot be destroyed. Not only because I won’t let it happen but because you are stardust and diamonds and more. Do you really think those things break? They always shine. They are always precious. You always shine. You are always precious.

I love you.

MD

[md-letters]

Dear one,

I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I know what it feels like to have too many thoughts and feelings flooding every inch of your body to the point where you feel like you’re drowning. But you’re not drowning. There are so many people holding onto you and holding you up. This moment, this feeling is not forever. The only things that last forever are love and peace.

You are an incredible. You are brave. You are love.

If you need anything or anyone then please let me know. I am here.

I love you.

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

Do not regret. Do not regret your love and trust. Do not regret the time and effort. You tried. You fought. You loved.

The fact that they were not the person you thought they were, the fact that the relationship didn’t last, the fact that they betrayed you - is not your fault.

Grow from this. Smile at the good moments and learn from everything else.

Raise your standards. Continue to love. Never regret your love.

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

I showed you my heart. I opened it up and allowed you to experience all it’s honesty and beauty - and instead of treasuring it you saw it as nothing.

So I will take back my heart and restore it. It will become brighter and stronger. I will leave you better than you left me and I will smile. I will smile and grow, continuously moving upward and outward, filling my world with love and light. A love and light that you will never experience again.

I am not nothing. I am everything.

MD

[md-letters]

Dearest -,

I don’t think I have the words to tell you how deeply I love and appreciate our friendship.

My heart is so tied to yours and I promise that I will always always be here for you.

You are my friend but more than that you are my family.

I love you!

MD

[md-letters]

To -,

This is the last letter I’ll ever write to you, I promise.

I don’t think these words will mean anything to you, and to be honest I’m probably being really selfish right now. But there are some truths I want you to hear.

You are wonderful! You truly truly are. You are one of the strongest and bravest people I know. You constantly try to make the people around you smile and be happy, even if you’re not feeling that way yourself. You are creative and imaginative as well as being one of the most logical and level-headed people I know which is just a brilliant and beautiful paradox. You are kind and gentle and thoughtful to the people in your life.

Thank you. Thank you for the time and effort you spent with me. Although it wasn’t perfect, I can honestly say that I enjoyed our relationship and I will always treasure the time and memories. You taught me a lot and you helped me to be more brave and more confident and for that I can’t thank you enough.

But I have to say goodbye. You’ve moved on and let go. I’m so glad you have, because it’s painful holding on. But now I need to too. I need to move on and let go, and to do that I need to say goodbye. I need to delete you from my life. This includes social media, because I really shouldn’t still be checking my Instagram stories to see if you’ve seen it or getting excited when you come online in case today is the day you decide to send a quick hello. I think it’s for the best, and I’m sorry that that is the case.

I love you and I care about you, but I can’t go back to being what we were.

Enjoy your life -. Be courageous and adventurous and happy.

Goodbye.

MD

[md-letters]

Dear -

I look so cute today and you’re not around to see it. This is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Love,

MD

[md-letters]

Dear -,

Hello. There’s so much I still want to say to you, but for all the words I collect none of them are adequate. None of them explain or create the right image or feelings. But I have managed to put some together. And I want you to read this and try and accept them and believe them because I will always be honest with you.

And maybe none of this helps. Probably doesn’t at all actually. But that’s why I’ve written you a letter and sent you the book (there is a message in the book too) - because this way you can read the words and hold onto them and know that there is no need to respond.

My message is this: I don’t blame you and this is not your fault. I don’t hate you and I am not angry. No one deserves what you’re going through. No one should have to deal with so much pain. And I am so sorry that you are carrying this. I believe in you, I know you can get through this. It takes a lot of courage to find yourself and put yourself back together. It’s a hard but valuable journey and it’s an adventure which means it’s beautiful and fun as well as difficult and monotonous.

I am obviously going to be more silent in your life now. But that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on you. It doesn’t mean that you’re going through this alone. It doesn’t mean that if you messaged or called I wouldn’t immediately answer.

I will always love you. I will always be your friend. I will always be here for you. You are not a burden to me -. You still make me smile and I simply think that you are amazing. I want you in my life, since the first day I met you I knew that I wanted you in my life. And now I want you there more so. And to be a part of yours.

You are welcome to come see me any time. Where I live is a good place to breath and be. And anytime I am even nearly near you, I will let you know. Remember, I’m a very good tour guide and I’m very good at distracting and some days distractions are good. But also, if you need someone to talk to, to cry with or simply to give you the biggest hug for five minutes and then go again, I am happy to be that person.

Maybe you can’t read this now. Too much guilt. Too much pain, sadness, loss (you haven’t lost me - you really haven’t. I’m still holding on, I’m just holding on differently). But hold onto the letter, don’t throw it away - keep it safe. Because one day in the future, you just might.

I love you -.

From MD

[md-letters]

To -

Here I am writing a letter you’ll never read cause I don’t plan on sending it to you but I just need to write it out for my own sanity and because I was nothing but kindness to you. I was nothing but kindness because at the time that’s all I felt - sad but so full of love and kindness and care. But now I’m angry. I’m angry at you, and disappointed - deeply disappointed. I still care and to my annoyance I still miss you every now and then - and to be honest I doubt that that will ever change. I think I will always love you. I will always love you enough to care about you and wish nothing but a beautiful and happy life for you. Because that is what I want for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to love and be loved and for your world to be safe and beautiful and happy. Because you deserve a life like that.

But I am so angry at you. I’m angry at the way that you treated me. Because although you are a good guy and I don’t regret a thing, you didn’t treat me great. You didn’t even nearly begin to match the effort that I put into the relationship - and whether you like it or not, on paper, the bare facts of our relationship are this: you talked to me, won me over, slept with me, went weird and dumped me. Not great. In fact you didn’t even have to win me over that much because I chose you. I took the risk and went all in. Because that’s the way I operate and I always think that people, relationships, love are worth the effort and worth the risk.

I’ll repeat - I don’t regret a thing and everything that happened was my choice, but you still didn’t treat me great. Looking back there were things that I let you get away with which I shouldn’t have. I was wrapped up in my first relationship and I respected you and I was too full of understanding. But I still shouldn’t have let you get away with things. You never arranged to FaceTime me. I did all the arranging. You never said “I miss you” first, I always did. I should never have let you get away with only complimenting me maybe three times a week - at best! You stopped complimenting me completely after you slept with me and didn’t compliment me at all when I was around you until the day you dumped me! So not great. I am aware that you did compliment me when I had my trauma flashback in the flat but honestly, the day you dumped me feels like the first and only time that you properly complimented me and meant it (properly as in out loud - the first time I heard you).

Just a tip for your next relationship: no matter how strong, confident and independent a woman is - she still really loves (and sometimes needs) compliments. I’m used to not getting complimented and I’ve spent over a decade teaching myself to see my beauty and all the wonderful things about myself for myself - I don’t need validation - but it still would have been lovely. It still would have been appreciated. Because of all the people in the world you were supposed to see those things about me and tell me. But you never did. This was also my first relationship - and you knew this! Don’t you think I needed some reassurance? Everything was new and unknown and scary and I was real and vulnerable with you. I gave you everything. All of me. I held nothing back. You should’ve helped me feel safe - and you did to an extent because I trusted you - but not enough. You should’ve looked after me better.

Do you want to know my favourite moment with you? The memory that makes me miss you the most? It’s the day that you broke up with me. Because although it was sad and heartbreaking it was also beautiful and something that I had wanted to do with you for so long. I loved walking around the beautiful parts of town with you, in the sunshine, laughing and talking. I’d imagined doing that so many times. It’s the thing I miss the most about you, being able to talk about anything and everything. You were breaking my heart but I still wanted time with you. I still wanted to tell you everything, all my nothings and all my everythings. You were your most real that day. I felt so close and connected to you. I felt so loved - far more than any other day in our relationship. Thinking about it still makes me cry. It’s a sort of bittersweetness. But that’s my favourite day with you, my favourite memory, and I find that so sad. Because it’s my favourite but it’s also the day that you decided that I wasn’t worth it. Whether you can admit this or not, whether the choice was conscious or subconscious you decided that I wasn’t worth fighting for. You decided that I wasn’t worth holding onto. You let me go. You let me go, and not even a week later you didn’t even like me anymore - let alone wanted me. This is the reason why I will never send you this letter, because they would just be empty words to you. You don’t care about me, and sometimes I’m not fully sure you ever actually did.

You were him, you know. You were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were going to be so adventurous and fun. I believed in us. Perhaps in an alternative reality you are the man I spend the rest of my life with. Perhaps in an alternative reality you never let me drive away. Because that’s the moment you know. The moment you let me drive away that day was the moment that you were no longer him. I know this bit sounds crazy because we only dated for like two months but I was in love with you. I felt respected and accepted. I felt chosen by someone that I had chosen, for the first time ever. You made me smile, and although you ended up not treating me great - it wasn’t like that in the beginning. I so wanted you to be him.

One day you are going to meet a beautiful and strong woman and you will love her. You will decide that she is worth fighting for and you won’t be able to let her go. Compliments will fall from your lips because that’s what happens when you love someone. You won’t be able to help it. She will love you. That will be a wonderful day and I am so excited for you. Be happy -. Choose happy.

Goodbye.

MD