i hope this is the right place to share my story. i ended up on your blog because i have been trying to work through some things that have happened in my past and my research has brought me here. i wouldn't call myself a larrie per say but I have been doing a lot of reading in this space and a lot of what i read has resonated with my experience, so i thought i would share because i feel like my perspective would help a lot of people here understand the mechanics of closeting a lot better.
the bottom line is, i was a beard. i'm from a northern european country and what you would call conventionally pretty. when i was in my early twenties i tried to make a living through modelling and the odd bit of acting. never anything international or anything that would make me recognisable, but for a couple of years i made a decent living through it and managed to work my way around my country's entertainment industry quite well. about a year in, my management company suggested i went on a few dates with one of their clients, who was an up and coming singer (ironically, he had started out on a reality singing tv show). at first i thought they were trying to actually set us up, but it became pretty clear to me that he was gay and closeted. we spent more than a year and a half "together", while his career was taking off. i could go into more detail about contracts and stuff, although stakes for us were much lower than what we're discussing on this blog, but i am bound by an nda so i really wont go into any details about the relationship.
what i came here to say, though, is that i think a lot of people see the relationship between a closeted celebrity and their beard as something black and white, a purely transactional exchange between two people that despise each other, and its really not like that at all. i spent more time with my "bf" during those two years than i did with anyone else in my life. we traveled together, i spent time with his family, went to a lot of his shows - that life can be quite lonely and we actually became really good friends through it. when he won an award, i was genuinely happy and moved for him. when i saw the pictures taken of me crying of joy, it wasn't an act. we spent a lot of time together that wasn't for the cameras, pretended to be a couple even at private dinners or events. only a handful of people knew we weren't a real couple, and that includes only one of my very close friends at the time. we shared a room and a bed. i think people here look at what is happening with harry and olivia wilde and think that they don't spend any more time together than what is put on the internet, and i know for a fact that it's not true. i also know for sure that they are not a couple, i look at them and see my past, clear as day. two people bound together by an agreement, who at least partially enjoy each others company, but who are not romantically involved. i think people here spend a lot of time looking for hatred and disgust in their interactions, and i don't think you will find that. what you'll see is two adult coworkers making the best of a very unusual situation.
now, i'm not here to defend olivia wilde. i don't know her and don't particularly like her, and the time i spent with someone closeted has given me endless sympathy for people who are in the same situation and much much less for those who even partially take advantage of that (me included, though i cut myself a bit more slack because i was young, naive and also very much a victim of an abusive industry). but i do see in her things i used to feel, and i thought it might be interesting for you all to understand that. there was a specific period of time, when my "bf" was at the peak of his very shortlived career, where i really got lost in the illusion of being the girlfriend of a star, and i lost myself for a bit. when i would walk in a room with him and everyone stared and envied me, i liked that. i felt like i was most desirable, most enviable, to the point where i almost forgot that our relationship wasn't real. it wasn't being with him that was special to me, it was being perceived as his gf that gave me the biggest thrill. it became almost an addiction, i was near the stage at his shows every single time, and when i see olivia wilde doing the same i see myself. i think she knows, intellectually, that she is not harry's partner, and that this has an expiration date, but for people who live in the public eye and that are severely narcissistic like she is (and to an extent i was), the public life is the only one that matters, so in a sense if she is perceived as harry styles's girlfriend then she will BE, in her heart of hearts, harry styles's girlfriend, and i imagine that is a pretty addictive feeling.
i hope i didn't bore you with this and that you understand my goal in sharing this with you all. there is no point in overanalysing their interactions or in projecting your dislike of her onto harry. he probably likes her well enough, and will also be completely fine once their contract ends and they go their separate ways (my hunch is that it will be soon but who knows). i know that nuance is not big on the internet, and these are ugly feelings to open up about, and god knows i do that enough in therapy. but i see what you're all doing here and i know it is painful and can feel hopeless. all i can offer is, you're not wrong. you're not conspiracists. this is how it works, but since it's real life it's all a lot more nuanced than it looks.
ps my former "bf" is now very happy with his partner. he's not out publicly but has been out in his private life for a while now. we still see each other every once in a while. it gets better :)
