Brooklyn nine-nine sentence starters
change pronouns as fit, lots of trigger warnings ahead, taken from multiple characters
“Click. I just captured the exact moment you realized you had failed. I guess we all got something out of this.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.”
“People receive meaningless threats all the time. It’s really no big deal.”
“I’m surprised you’ve read Othello.”
“Well, no one asked you. It’s a self-evaluation.”
“We’re a package deal, everyone knows that.
“Oh, great! I’ll take my shirt off.”
“I’m in unspeakable pain.”
“Oh, I really came in here with the wrong energy.”
“I am flummoxed! That’s a word I learned for this party, and I am it!”
“Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.”
“I’d rather walk into the freezing ocean.”
“I remember that old bag. She was my favorite.”
“Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I’ll turn it up.”
“"Kind, sober and fully dressed.” Good news, everyone. We found the name of [name]’s sex tape!“
” Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?“
"Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that’s right ‘cause it threatens death!”
“ When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.”
“You don’t out grow punk, sir/ma'am.”
“Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway.”
“I’m really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them.”
“ No one knows. I am a rock. I am an island. I have lapsed into song lyrics again.”
“Not a gift, snitch. It didn’t cost me anything. Just my worthless man hours.”
“Don’t remind me. I’m going to be untangling that web for a month.”
“And when this is over, I’m going to find you, and I’m going to break those little fingers.”
“Nope. I’m gonna wait ‘til I’m on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately. ”
“I’ve only said I love you to three people. My mom, my dad and my dying [relative]. And one of those I regret.”
“ I’m gonna punch him so hard in the mouth that he bites his own heart.”
“Thank you, [name]. Your entire life is garbage.”
“I cannot believe that I’m considering a non-violent option.”
“My [erelative] always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie.” Fun fact: she/he/they made me cry a lot.“
"Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store and yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good [profession] and I will not be made a fool of.”
“I thought he was faking it. I wanted to splash the lies out of him.”
“Seriously, you are beautiful. If he/she/they ever lies to you again, you can call me.”
“Okay, just so we’re clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.”
“Yeah, I’m not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his/her/their fiber.”
“Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don’t give candy to a baby! They can’t brush their teeth!”
“ I’ve talked a lot about [name] in my departmentally-mandated therapy sessions.”
“You should take my minivan.”
“ I was working out and I saw a muscle in my shoulder I’d never seen before. I thought it might have been a scientific discovery.”
“Your head is so small. It is so small. Where do you keep your brains?”
“Probably not. I mean he/she/they seems like the kind of laid back guy/girl/person who delights in having his/her/their mistakes exposed.”
“ Don’t move as a group! You’re not gazelles!”
“I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!”
“Baby, I’ve got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan.”
“I threw away the photo because I think it’s ostentatious to hang pictures of yourself, especially when you haven’t earned a place on the wall.”
“I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.”
“So nice of you to greet us, [name]. I thought surely you’d still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.”
“approval ratings are - pardon my language - in the commode.”
“Look at that. You’ve helped me find my smile.”
“That is amazingly funny.”
“You’re a grown man/woman/adult, [name]. Strong like an Oak.”
“Their components have a long shelf life, they’re cost effective, and they’re so simple a child could make them.”
“Dress it up however you want, that’s some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.”
“So you choose your [relative] over me, your co-worker who hates you?”
“Every time you talk I hear that sound that plays when Pacman dies.”
“Honestly, I’m going to last forever. You hear that bitches? I’m gonna last forever.”
“My mother cried the day I was born, because she knew she would never be better than me.”
“All men/women/people are at least 30% attracted to me.”
“At any given moment, I’m thinking about one thing: [name] hunkered over eating dog food.”
“Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.”
“Mmm-kay. No hard feelings, but I hate you. Not joking. Bye.”
“Hi, [name], the human form of the 100 Emoji.”
“Hold it up. You’re gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there?”
“You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.”
“I am prepared to light [name] on fire in protest.”
“After zero consideration, I’m happy to say, "hard pass.”“
"Sounds like a genetic disorder.”
“We didn’t want to say anything that would get us uninvited.”
“You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.”
“Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?”
“Get your act together, or so help me God, you won’t live to see retirement.”
“Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, [name].”
“Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.”
“Who wants to have sex with a tree?”
“Take me to the land of vending machines.”
“It takes a big person to admit when they’re being a total dumb-dumb.”
“Can’t spill food on your shirt if you’re not wearing one.”
janainaart
tangentwithtanner
areudirty
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
