Powerhouse of the cell

22 • nonbinary/all pronouns • mikachondria on ao3 ● passionate AI hater

[mikachondria]

There are a bunch of fics where Bruce has a mission in another universe and finds a mistreated and abandoned Tim he spontaneously takes home. And while these can be great, amazing angst potential etc, I want a fic where Bruce thinks he found a mistreated and abandoned Tim but he completely misinterprets the situation.

He hears only one half of a conversation, doesn't have context for any interaction Tim has and just assumes the absolute worst. Then Tim gets hurt, maybe hits his head and loses consciousness and Bruce decides in an instant to just snatch him and take him home to his own universe.

When Tim wakes up he has to explain that no, he's not in danger and these were perfectly normal siblings interactions and that he'd like to go home please.

And that's exactly why I wrote one, it's called Saviour complex by Mikachondria on Ao3

[mikachondria]

Jason, trying to come out: Bruce, I'm ace

Bruce, attempting to make a (horrible) dad joke: No, Ace is my dog. You're Jason

[mikachondria]

I just know Bruce constantly finds absolutely unhinged things on the batcomputer after his kids/other members of the batfam used it

some examples:

- a Bruce Wayne/Batman fanfic on Ao3

- a half written, unposted reddit ‘today i fucked up’ post about crashing the ‘very expensive but also kinda stupid themed car of their dad’

He did not know about a car crash. He also doesn't which/how many children were involved

- an ‘am I gay’ test on buzzfeed. The browsing history tells Bruce it got taken 12 times

- an ikea shopping cart filled with their entire plushie collection and 32 glasses of cranberry jam, one click away from being purchased 

- a youtube compilation of Batman falling over/faceplanting/grappling straight into a wall

- a really bad painting of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy punching the Joker in MS paint

- the note ‘don't tell B about experiment’ with no further context or explanation 

- a ‘Which Gotham vigilante are you?’ Quiz, freshly opened and unanswered (Bruce was curious. He got Robin as answer)

- Wikihow ‘How to hide a pet from your parents’

- a logged in twitter account that's been constantly trolling Batman for the past few months (he doesn't know which of his children runs the account (it’s a group effort))

- the recipe/confirmation for buying 50 glitter bombs (delivery address is one of Jason's safe houses)

[mikachondria]

Kon joking he's 3 years old because that's how long it's been since he got out of the tube

🤝

Jason joking he's 3 years old because he interprets his resurrection date as his new birth date

[mikachondria]

I wrote a fic where Tim descibed Jason as a Lazarus pit bath bomb and I wholeheartedly believe, its the funniest thing I ever wrote. I've peaked and will never be able to live up to this.

[mikachondria]

The Bats favourite barbie movies:

Dick - The Barbie Fairytopia series, entirely based on vibes. Forced each of his siblings to a marathon at least once. He's the biggest Bibble fan. One time his siblings gifted him a Bibble shower curtain and bathmat for his birthday as a joke but he uses both, because 1) he unironically loves it and 2) his siblings always get really exiting when they visit him and see, he hasn't changed them.

Jason - Barbie as the Princess and the Pauper, I will not elaborate. He's also a Princess and the Popstar hater because “They tried to rip off their own movie but somehow lost all the good parts in the process. Like yeah, give us two very privileged white girls in slightly different situations and compare it to the criticism of the social class differences in a monarchy.”

Yes, he gets defensive over it.

Tim - Barbie in the Nutcracker. One time when he was little, his parents couldn't come home on Christmas eve (I'm a Janet and Jack Drake slightly neglectful but still loving parents believer, they didn't forget him, their flight was just cancelled) so he searched up Christmas movies to watch alone. When his parents got home the next day they found him asleep on the sofa and the end credit scene frozen on the TV. They take him to see the real ballet a week later and after that, Barbie and the Nutcracker becomes a comfort movie for him. He thinks it's objectively not the best Barbie movie but the nostalgia just hits him every time he watches it. (When Cass got a role in the nutcracker ballet, he was so excited. She played a rat and loved the role)

Cass - Most people would probably think it would be a ballet related movie like Nutcracker, 12 Dancing Princesses or Swan Lake but it's actually Barbie as the Island Princess. She deeply relates to Ro growing up in isolation, struggling to adjust to society and speaking a language no one else understands, though Ro's story is much more lighthearted than her own. When Ro gets reunited with her mother, Cass cries every time because it reminds her of her own adoption and finally finding her place.

Duke - Barbie and the Diamond castle, again purely the vibes. He's convinced that Alexa and Liana are gay for each other and sees the guys as inconvenient plot devices (“They rode away from the princes on a literal rainbow bridge!”).

Also sometimes uses his powers to ride away on a rainbow bridge himself, just because he thinks it's funny. This is inspired by this post from @jello-jelly-coconut

Steph - Barbie in a Mermaid Tale. Partly vibes, partly because when she was younger, she sometimes wished to have a second life, a second home too just like Merliah, with a father who loved her and her mom instead of being absent/in jail.

She knows the lyrics and dance moves to Queen of the Waves by heart.

She also loves picking the illogical things in the movie apart (“The mermaids breathe underwater so they have to have gills, but they can also breath air, that means they are some mammal-fish hybrids which would make Merliah a hybrid of a hybrid”) but defends it with her life as soon as someone else criticises it because how dare they disrespect her favourite Barbie movie?

Damian - Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus. At first he refuses to watch any Barbie movies with his siblings at all, but agrees after weeks of them asking. He wants to watch something with a dragon but Barbie and Rapunzel is not available on any streaming platform at that time and they have to buy/borrow a physical copy so he settles for the next best thing, a pegasus. He has low expectations.

Then he sees Annika trying to adopt a polar bear cub in the first few minutes of the movie and immediately likes her.

He's hooked till the end and has to admit that he liked the movie.

He still refuses to watch other Barbie movies though, this time with the reason that they wouldn't be as good as Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus anyways so it would be a waste of time.

Barbara - Technically not a movie, but Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse. She always has a tab with the youtube playlist open and will watch episodes when patrol gets boring. One time she forgot to mute herself and got teased by the other batkids but then she started streaming the episodes for them on their phones during stakeouts and they shut up because they got invested. Bruce is not aware of this.

Barbara's favourite character is the closet.

Bruce - He's doesn't have a favourite Barbie movie (it's Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses)

Unfortunately I don't know enough about Kate, Luke, etc to assign them a movie but feel free to add to the list

[papayafromtv]

when Duke needs backup in a fight he uses his powers to blast bat-signal-esque signs into the sky to call for whatever sibling is best suited for the job. each sibling hates their calling sign, and even worse, they actually have to respond to it because Duke only uses them when he’s like three minutes away from dying so they literally have no choice, like if their symbol shows up they have to fucking BOLT over there regardless of the indignance or Duke will not make it

Jason: the middle finger emoji

Damian: a somehow detailed image of the Boss Baby

Dick: just the word ‘slut’ in bubble letters

Tim: the red robin restaurant logo, complete with ‘gourmet burgers and brews!’ underneath

Steph: a taco, in reference to a time when she was drunk one night and Tim got on video her chasing down a moving taco truck insistently only to face plant into the side of it when the driver finally stopped to let her buy one

Cass: her regular symbol, because shes the only one he respects completely and it drives the others insane to have one sibling un-harassed

Bruce doesn’t have one because he refuses to call for Bruce. Alfred has one, a shotgun, although it’s never been used, and it pisses Bruce off to no end.

[mikachondria]

Dick Grayson's ban from the kitchen

Personally I don't believe that Dick is banned from the manor kitchen simply because he can't cook, so here's an (incomplete) list why Dick Grayson is actually not allowed in the kitchen without supervision:

1. Used to hide in the cupboards to jumpscare Bruce as a kid. At some point he became too big/heavy and the whole wall of cupboards crashed down. Dick was fine. The tableware was not.

2. Put the dishes in random spots when helping Alfred unload the dishwasher since he grew up in the circus and they didn't have designated spots for each piece of tableware there. The things got put in an available spot, it wouldn't stay there long anyways. The mess drove Alfred almost insane.

3. Again, grew up in a travelling circus with people from all over the world. His taste buds developed correspondingly and one time Alfred made the mistake to let Dick season the food. Alfred — british — and Bruce — did travel the world but still grew up with Alfred's british cooking — do not have the taste buds of a circus boy. Dick was not allowed to season the food again and was given his own spice shakers for his portion.

4. Tried to juggle balls of cookie dough once. It went accordingly.

5. Had to put groceries away in a rush one time and accidentally filled up the salt container with sugar and vice versa because he didn't check the labels. The next time Alfred baked a cake, it tasted awful and he nearly booked a doctor's appointment to check if he had dementia.

6. Accidentally left a silver fork in his bowl once when heating up leftovers in the microwave. Almost set the kitchen on fire.

7. Wanted to make pizza one time when Alfred was out but forgot to remove the plastic packaging before putting it in the oven. Almost set the kitchen on fire.

8. Wanted to make pizza one time when Alfred was on vacation. Did remove the plastic packaging this time but didn't use backing paper and the pizza melted through the oven grid. He had to spend two hours cleaning the oven.

9. Tends to set timers but forgets to actually start them.

10. Tends to only put on the light in the oven instead of actually heating it up.

11. Will without any hesitation join a food with his sibling. Is not innocent when it comes to starting food fights either.

12. Encourages any food related challenges with his siblings, e. g. eating a full spoon of cinnamon or mixing disgusting smoothies.

Dick's ban didn't happen instantly, it gradually built up over time until one day Alfred snapped and told him he isn't allowed in the kitchen anymore unless there's at least one responsible adult with him. Bruce was aghast when he found out that he didn't count as a responsible adult.

[mikachondria]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Batman - All Media Types Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Batfamily Members & Tim Drake (DCU) Characters: Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne Additional Tags: Protective Bruce Wayne, Protective Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Communicating, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Tim Drake is Red Robin (DCU), Tim Drake is a Menace (DCU), Does this count as crackfic?, Batfamily (DCU), Jason Todd is Red Hood, Betaed, Medical Inaccuracies Summary:

When Bruce finds a lonely Bird in another universe, hunted and abandoned by his team, he decides to take him home.

Tim, said Bird, is not amused.

[incorrectbatfam]

I'm bored. Reblog this post and I'll randomly ship you with someone else who also reblogged it.

(For legal reasons you must be 18+)