Natural Habitance

We have a lot of rocks around here.

[mikusweeper]

Garnet til Alexandros (but why is there a fire? I’m not sure.)

[mikusweeper]

Perfect blue oil paints + photoshop

[mikusweeper]

The red nurse’s death

[mikusweeper]

Something’s creeping around here. But being lost in the flow of time, where could I possibly go?

[mikusweeper]

Dreamy fella.

Saw a dream. I was hanging with my friends who I kept seeing many years ago. Then I laughed so hard that I actually woke up. It was 6 AM and I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about the people who we’re there + the ones who weren’t. Then I thought that the smiles and pouts of people are just one big mystery. I haven't really explored the depth of humanity face to face very well, cause I didn't let loose enough. Even if I had, I probably would've ditched my directions and found humanity in other dreams.

Maybe there's another road for me Oh, maybe I was wrong all along Maybe I'm not who I was trying to be Now that all my dreams are dead and gone There's no rush anymore Time's on my side All my worries are gone I'm enjoying the ride

I’m not hungry anymore by Marina and the Diamonds.

[mikusweeper]

An introvert's introspection

It took me 17 years to notice I’m introverted. Why? For years I had changing good friends. They felt different and I didn’t have much to say to them. So I distanced myself and was miserable alone. I was only better off alone, since socializing felt judgemental and authoritetic. At school I liked studying alone, but only if I could really be by myself. Otherwise I’d think why couldn’t I interact better and have all what the others are having. I could relate to the surrounding silence much better than everyone’s great time with their friends. (I also feel that this argument has no point since everyone can study better in silence, so, well fuck.) Before the finals, I studied at a library, everyday, to get back up from the downward spiral of a social surrounding. Oh man that was the best studying experience I’ve ever had. Also now that school’s over with fine grades, I’ve noticed how important the introspection in my mind is. I’m alone, but I can think and feel like I’m only comparing myself to myself. Things I know are in me. It’s amazing, but lonely. So still, I’m missing socializing, but that’s only the 2nd most important thing. My first priority is to really get to know my values and living up to them. I’ve only had the 2nd half of a year (2016) to figure myself out on my own (now conscription’s on the way till September). Then my inspiration for self discovery’s going to blossom again, if a bad self-control won’t come back around. I’ll take a good break anyways that September, so I’ll have a good feeling of self-awareness before getting a job.

[mikusweeper]

I kinda feel like this is so me. From 2015. #yellow #bloom #blonde #me #rainyafternoon

[mikusweeper]

Saw a dream of a full-length movie

It started from a woman being drowned at a party. She came back to life to get revenge. On her way of finding the murderer, she got acquinted with a man who started to like her. Then the woman learned that not all humans aren’t as hateful as that one murderer. She didn’t want revenge anymore. She accepted her death and decided to kill herself to get back to death, because she is basically just a dead ghost who belongs to death. The man noticed her preparing to jump off a bridge and wanted to save her, but was too late. He sobbed.

When the man had left the bridge, the woman appeared to be coming back to the surface. Under the water she had a white cloak on, but as she surfaced, it changed into a blue dress (probably the same she wore in the party she was drowned at).

The man came home to his child (left from a marriage years before this incident). To his shock, the woman wasn’t dead and was cooking dinner. The child came from another room and the man was just staring at the two. The child asked something from the woman. The woman answered and said that the child can ask anything from her in the future. Then the woman smiled at the man and he put his hands on her shoulders. He looked into the kitchen and saw a metallic bag in the oven and gasoline on the cooking pan. ‘’What is going on?’’ He said. The woman kept smiling and everything went black. A quick, but loud explosion sound happened. (I woke up to vacuum sounds)

My conclusion is that the woman still was a dead ghost and could never come back to life again. So she decided to ‘’live’’ on the same side with the people she could love, in death. Fatality.

[mikusweeper]

Sometimes sad.

Sometimes I get sucked into a sad state of mind I can’t get out of. Anything I would do to get towards my aspirations, would feel meaningless. Healthy lifestyle, friends, material, career all for what? During those times I don’t want anything, because everything costs amounts that I can’t give in return. I have so little, yet a lot that don’t seem to mean anything. I think of everything that should be fixed and so everything seems wrong. Then I wonder how life even becomes so numb. I don’t do enough for myself and I can’t concentrate fully on the integral things. Things aren’t working out and I can’t help it cause of my mind. I avoid everyone else for the reason of them being so careless in their own personal world. On their side, they must avoid everything that makes a person have this state of meaningless. People become so shy when there’s something they can’t understand. On my side, I can’t cope with their minds when I’m sad, and it happens so often that I am left completely alone.

Then I finally notice the sadness isn’t there anymore. I start wondering why I felt like life didn’t have any hope. I may have thought that I shouldn’t have been born, but after processing the idea of me not being here, I notice that as I am here, I may as well do anything I want to do. But it’s my mind that interrupts my motivation. My mind always interrupts everything that used to feel good. I feel that anything else than a motivated mind is possible. It’s not constant enough for me to really get a grip on life.

[mikusweeper]

Met a guy, kinda.

For eight hours today, I’ve been shredded in a gay occurrence mystery. Here’s the thing: there’s a potentially gay guy and there’s dots to tie together, so bare with me. What I really care about is if he’s gay or not, because this incident has been bothering me the whole day. I’d be into him if we’d be acquinted better, but he’s too perfect and a mere fantasy. I’m also desperate, lol. Anyway, the gay clues exist, but are too minor for conclusions and my mind unconsiously wants him to be gay, haha. This all happened in two days.

So I’m at military service, conscription may be the better term (in a mostly gay-tolerant country). One of my jobs is photography.

Yesterday evenning, I went to Grindr out of curiousity and found a guy, who surely was in a group photo I had taken. He’s a pool lifeguard in their group and works in exercise-clubs (no fkng idea how to translate). Then I thought he might not be the same, even though it said “52 metres away” and there’s no one else like him in the closed area.

After waking up today, I had a photo gig. I had to go to the gymhouse for the given task and “the same guy” happened to be there with his group. He looked at me first, so I asked him where an instructor is and he just said: “Dunno, haven’t seen him.” I waited for the instructor, eventually getting the job done.

After the gig, I went to change the laundry. I was going alone into this building, and then a man came out the door. The very same man I thought I saw on Grindr and the same Dunno-man at the gymhouse. No one else is there. I minded my businness, kind of thought he was looking at me. I didn’t look, because I figured it’s my distorted mental image again, the one when I think I’m being stared but am not. I didn’t look, until in the corner of my eye, I saw smirking. What is he doing? No one’s around. I turned to him and almost asked if he’s got something to say. I thought he’d give a photo gig, ‘cause it would’ve been likely. He kept that smirking on when I turned. No avoiding, directly looking at me. He’s never been like this before. He was ‘bout to go past and turned his head more towards me… Suddenly he had already went past and I didn’t dare to look back. I didn’t even say anything, neither did he. What was that for? Is this the same guy on Grindr? The similar one? He saw me there? We have hardly been in contact personally, so there ain’t reasons to look at me like that. I immediately contemplated the thought of him seeing me online, thinking I’m so ugly in person that it’s hilarious. That’s why I thought he smirked. (My picture is unaltered btw, but it’s a year old and I took good care of my skin back when I had the time, lol.)

I tried to look for the profile again, finding it on a second try. I compared the group picture I had taken, to the one Grindr picture on my phone. Now I thought they have similar noses and hair, but I can’t say if the eyes are 100% the same. It’s like he could be a twin brother… who was also 52 metres away. The gymguy’s the most equivalent. There’s no one else like him here.

I think I found out his name, the lifeguard/exercise-club guy I’ve seen live. Still, of course the Grindr name’s different. I’m so sure these “two” are at least VERY similar to each other. Especially after handling the photos where he’s in. I’d know how to seperate him from another person, cause the face is photograph-similar. I’m also curious ‘bout the look he gave when we met near the laundry-change. Was he like: “Ha! You too?” or like: “I’ve seen you haven’t I?” This is a cliché, but my heart wants to ask him ‘bout everything and my head’s like “Wtf? Don’t get into this mess! You might be very very wrong!” So, I’ve been frustrated and I guess I need to love someone, but this incident’s SO insignificant and meaningless. It's a shame I start feeling this way, cause the beginnings of crushes always have a daydream feel. Then it kinda gets shattered by ‘’the meaningless’’.

All of what I explained above happened in TWO DAYS. No idea what tomorrow brings. Good night.

[mikusweeper]

Try’na understand sadness.

A mess of a text, but: Sometimes I’m too dramatic and get things the wrong way. When I was younger, I wanted to know how not to feel sad. I had an idea that it was something with family and friends, but couldn’t hold onto an idea on how to fix it. Maybe someone in my life made a bad choice and I couldn’t help cause I was young and had my own troubles. I needed to help but didn’t care enough, cause I didn’t understand what I would get in return. Then after it was too late I finally met with the best memories about it and understood why I should’ve been there to fix things. I wanted to see someone happy, who died probably in long-term sadness. How should I feel. Okay, I see her better side now through memories, but couldn’t see that when she was alive. I think that people who are in similar situations, need to be less distant. Even if you don’t care or you’re sad or happy, it’s still better than not being there at all. I know more of sympathy now. Now it doesn’t matter how whole or shattered I am. At least I know where to build from now on cause I finally feel appreciation I didn’t get to feel.

[mikusweeper]

My to-do-list for life control

This is pretty plain but here goes:

1. Maintaing a schedule and not get stuck into older problems. Meaning that I need to get old businnesses out of the way so I can move onto more meaningful things like education.

2. Maintaining a balanced healthy lifestyle.

3. Conserve money and spend it wisely.

4. Getting an easy, temporary job from which I can get money for an apartment.

5. Creating video content for the fun of it and to be shared.

6. Finding people who can understand the emotional side of me well.

7. Pretty superficial, but I’d like to make a few surgical alterations, so that I could be more confident with everything that I do.

8. Writing a book which is relatable and intriguing (A work in progress).

9. Finding a man who understands my needs and makes me learn how to take others into account better, cause I’m a bit too egoistic.

[mikusweeper]

How I differ from many people

1. I don’t hate mondays.

2. I’m very sensual (sounds, visuals, feels overall).

3. I don’t care for device specs, other than the fact that it’s convenient.

4. I’m not enthusiastic about phones, cars and such - I use things when I really   need them.

5. I’d rather cuddle with a guy who’s got a potatosack over his body rather than just a paperbag over his head.

6. Sometimes I stare at objects for about five seconds before I snap out of it.

7. No energydrinks, just coffee, tea and water.

8. I don’t like to have buttons on my clothing.

9. I love to sophisticate myself by learning new words and terms occasionally.

10. I don’t like when people say that everyone is beautiful from the outside, just say something encouraging that is true and move on.

11. I love silence and hate many noises, not so much though that I’d have misophonia.

12. It’s tiresome to write anything with a touchscreen, so, so many typos.

13. I love to walk quite long distances from a place to another. So many people seem to drive just cause of like thirty metres.

14. I love to cry in movies. I actually don’t want to be so “masculine” and not express those feels.

15. I don’t like the argument: “You’re just jealous” against the truth, cause many times when I say something against a “successful” person, I don’t want to have the person’s status, cause the person might have done disagreeable actions, which I wouldn’t want to do. (Jealous cause I wanna be doing better things in that status? No, cause I would probably also screw up at some point, and I’d get hate. I don’t need it, hence no status upgrade for me and just zero jealousy.) Such a narrowminded argument.

16. I’m not a fan of many things, I’m quite candid when it comes to opinions. Though I do prefer the actual truth, but I don’t say much in fights cause I wouldn’t know what’s what in the layers of views.

17. I talk to myself, by myself. Concentrating on things that I would like to say to people.

18. For the record, I only express anger by myself or on a passive aggressive mode. I contain most of it for like exercising or something not harmful to others.

[mikusweeper]

When people are telling you what's legit and what shouldn't be done,- remember that it's massively useful to be optimistically open to new possibilities

Optimism vs. just pointless negativity

[mikusweeper]

feelin’ numb

Now I don’t know what to feel. It’s like I cannot do anything but stare at a wall. There’s really nothing to cry about, but I’m just noticing an empty presence that’s coming from me. I don’t want to be interested of anything,- that’ll just distract me from my true needs. I need to go to sleep, damnit.

[mikusweeper]

A Feel Paradox

Sometimes I think about the feels I got when I was younger and thought that ‘’Wouldn’t it be cool to arrange a huge beach party or something? ..A-and I’d be the host, lol!’’ And now, many years later, if I’d actually arrange even the smallest party, I’d get the same teenage feels. It’s weird, I could totally feel like a teenager again. Like an adult remembering the oldies, even though I’m not even having a middle-age crisis. Damn, I’m barely 20! I’m a bit sick of constantly getting reminded of nostalgia, though it’s still a great feeling. But I want to get on with it. Forget about the echoes of teen wishes. I want to find new things which I can use to express some of my creativity with...or at least enhance it in some way.

[mikusweeper]

Some nostalgic scene of a childhood game.

‘’Wait! Brother!...Brother...Teran!!’’

‘’No! I’m, I’m not your true brother!...I’m BLOCKMAN, he who lives to face danger!...I was hired by King Aster as a bodyguard, to protect you...I’m...from a different world...’’

*Teran runs away and bumps into Marina*

‘’Ma-Marina! Please let me through, otherwise I’ll have to fight you!’’

*Teran tries to hit Marina, but Marina stops the attack*

‘’Let me go! Marina!! Up ‘til today I’ve been lying to Celes!!...How can I stand before her?!’’

‘’Forget about the past! You can’t blame yourself for what happened. Just be yourself!...You’ll be beside the person you most need, won’t you?...I’m sure Celes is also looking forward to this!!’’

*Marina guides Teran back to Celes*

Teran: ‘’Celes...’’

Celes: ‘’I order you in the name of the Queen!!...Whatever happens, I want you beside me to protect me...As the Blockman...as my brother!...as Teran!!’’

*A crowd rushes in while celebrating a coronation ceremony*

~Mischief Makers Ending Sequence