If you ever cared, well, I wouldn't know Blame it on a bad manic episode When you meet a girl on some TV show There's a side of you that she'll never know Tell all your friends that she's the one And you can say it's love
I'm so fucking distraught. That's genuinely the only way I can describe how I feel right now. I'm feeling so many different things, I'm feeling grief because I miss them and I know I will never see them ever again. I feel sad because of the dream I had. That fucking dream I don't know why it stuck with me so hard and why I'm getting so worked up about it. I never wanted kids so why is the kid that I made up in my mind leaving such a detrimental impact on me. I'm upset, mostly at myself because I know it's my fault, and I feel so very alone. I'm so fucking lonely. I have nobody left to care about anymore and I feel like nobody is left to care about me. I'm snowballing straight into horror. A rapid ball of growing mass slowly consuming the joy and love I had. Slowly eating away at the kid who just wanted to wear skirts and dresses the rest of her life. But now she just lays naked in bed hating every inch of herself because she doesn't want to sleep. And she knows her body is screaming at her to do something, anything; but she won't. She will lay on her back and count the speckled wall where the paint should have dripped forcing her eyes to stay open because the second she goes to sleep she could very well enter a world where she's happy. And she has everyone, where she has love, Where she can wear her pretty dresses with roses in her hair. The second I wake up though, it will all be ripped away from me for ever and ever; and I don't know if I can handle having anything be ripped away from me anymore. It's best if It doesn't exist so I can't be awoken from it.
Thank you James Gunn and thank you David Corenswet, I think I can finally say that I'm starting to like Superman.
I used to dislike Superman because he felt like he was trying too much to be not only the Main character, but to be more Super than Man. Clark Kent has always been about an immigrant trying to fit into both human life, and the super hero life. But I've always felt, especially in film, that Clark Kent and Superman were two separate characters, and both of them were trying to prove they weren't an alien, or someone who didn't belong, rather than trying to prove that they were both human, that they were someone who did belong. So when James said "Your feelings about feeling bad are OK, It’s not wrong for you to feel that way. … And in this moment, for you to talk about how it’s OK to be vulnerable, you have to be vulnerable, which means showing Lex that your fucking feelings are hurt.”
Hearing those words from behind the scenes really struck a chord within me. And even on my 4th watch of the movie, during that scene I always think of those wise words.
The incessant ramblings of a hungover lovedrunk artist.
(It's more of a rant than a poem lol)
It's been two months since I heard your voice. As I write this I write it as if I know you won't see it, but I know the inverse is true. I know I said I'd avoid the whole "I miss you" "your all I think about" act, but it's genuinely not an act. I stay up at night and stare at the glowing green stars that align my walls, as I think about what I could have done to help you feel better, safer, even. I call knowing you probably won't answer. I text, knowing you won't see it for a couple hours. You're busy. I get it. I understand. I don't want to bother you, you already have so much going on. But I miss you. I miss you so much. I write poetry about you, you'll never see. I paint pictures of your face, slower as the flowers become more detailed than your face because I'm slowly forgetting the way the corners of your lips rise when you smile. Slower and inseecently I try to capture the way the light reflects of your deep brown eyes, ones I said I'll never forget again, but over and over the sunflowers always seem to be more detailed, more focused, more alive than the beauty I throw at the canvas mesh. It's all an incurable craving to hold you once again. The design of desire was inspired by the way your arms would feel around my shoulders in embrace. I just miss you. And I don't know how to be normal about it.
(TW, speaks of Neglect, homelessness, abuse, starving, struggling, and other general problems related to these categories.)
Man. Seriously.
All I can think about now is; "fuck you"
I don't fucking know you? Seriously?
I have stood by your side since the fourth grade.
And I don't fucking know you?
Well your fucking right. I don't know you.
Not anymore
You can fuck around, steal peoples dates, claim you don't have the capacity to deal with people beneath you.
But we, no, I was never beneath you. And vice versa
I asked you about a game we both enjoyed, And that was a fucking problem? Fuck you, and fuck your ego.
I used to defend your name. I used to defend you. And now I know why you fucking hated it.
It's because you were so stuck up, and narcissistic to let anyone but yourself tear you down.
You hated having someone else care about you that wasn't yourself. Because that would mean you couldn't complain about your own failures.
I used to defend you and now I finally understand why I had too.
You weren't overworked. You weren't going through anything that the rest of us weren't. honestly, you made that everybody else's problem.
We had college classes to take care of. Abusive families, raising kids that weren't ours. Raising ourselves because we didn't have the luxury of two parents.
You just couldn't handle it when someone needed you.
You couldn't handle it when you had more than one assignment to focus on.
You couldn't, no. You wouldn't handle it if someone wanted to help you. Because that's our fault right?
That you "struggled", that you were "overworked" your mom and dad wanted to take you somewhere nice for a change.
I was starving. In three college classes. Raising five kids that weren't mine. Working 2 jobs. And dealing with addictions, abuse, and neglect. For fucking years.
So when I came to you for help, why did it feel like I was the one who was to be the safe space?
I get everyone struggles differently, but please, and I mean PLEASE, tell me what you were struggling with. Other than an over inflated ego, and bare minimum expectations.
Guys, be so Fr with me. How hard would it be to learn Mandarin Chinese as a native English speaker. I'm already semi-quadlingual (basically trilingual with some extra fancy stuff; English, French, Japanese, and a more than average amount of Italian). I really wanna learn a new language again, and mandarin Chinese seems so cool to me but idk.
We were discussing something I don't quite remember what,
But I simply had to ask you something
"what's your favorite flower?" I said. I still hadn't quite figured out who or what I was. Just named myself after a bird and moved on.
"I really like sunflowers" a simple response really. It didn't need to strike such an integral chord in my heart.
I'd lose sight of you not much later.
You leaving was hard at first. I cried, sobbed even. But I grew up, moved on, whatever.
There were a couple girls after that, and quite a few guys too. I discovered femininity. Embraced it. And lost many others just the way I had lost you.
Many, many moons later. A simple text. I didn't know it would change my life again. It wasn't much later I embraced you with everything, as my everything.
I'm so happy to see the smile on her face as her dad walks her down the aisle, and she greets the love of her life.
I clapped, and I ate, and I drank; as she smiled and she danced, and she laughed. I'm so glad love had found her.
I gave her a hug, and I said oh so solemnly; "You deserve this love." I then went home and I cried.
I was crossing by the fields near my house. Still covered in snow, and dropped in white frost. Yet a lady stood there, in her blue dress and fur coat, as the man kneeled before her.
I saw her hands raise, as she shook her head yes, and presumably said the same, and I continued to walk on by.
I walked home. I laid down, and I cried.
I look at the flowers I grow, and see the yellow in their petals, and I cry, because I couldn't give you of the flowers I grew on that special day.
Yellow flowers. Not quite sunflowers, those are your favorite, but it's hard to find where we live. Small petals, lots of flowers, lots of yellow.
Yellow was your color. Always bright And stood out from the rest. Always present even if I didn't want it to be.
I was purple. A color you see when you're looking for it, but one you don't notice if you aren't. Invisible unless you want purple.
The yellow and purple flowers we wanted at our wedding. Strung up high. In the bouquet. In our hair. Sunflowers, and hyacinths. Those were our favorites.
We thought the colors would cause our two white dresses to stand out, all the more.
I've found myself indulging on lots of random media recently so here's some stuff I'm interested in!
↓↓↓
Resident evil! But I haven't played 9/Requiem yet so no spoilers
Jujutsu kaisen. I used to say it was cringe. Then I found out that me and Maki are basically the same person lmao. (No we aren't, let me cope 😭😭)
Monster hunter. I've always liked it and I've been playing for like a year consistently, though I don't have Wilds unfortunately. (I don't own a PS5, I'm too broke lmao)
TW: unintended SH mentioned, as well as overworking, burnout, stress, blood, and needles.
(NOT SMUT I PROMISE)
Zhu Qi stood in the center of the workshop. He arms and knuckles were covered in cuts and slashes from working with her thin wire. The wire was barely visible unless it just so happened to catch the light in the perfect way. She wore her hair held back with a hair band, and a green crystal floats above the concaved black disk resting on the table. White wire floats around the blue-green gemstone, almost like a magnetic spindle. Exactly what she wanted.
She flexes her finger and pulls her Marionette-String like Claw jewelery in opposite directions, as parts of the web quickly make contact with gemstone, electricity highlighting the strands that connect to her fingertips. Multiple needle-like edges shoot from the floating spindle and stab into the table, wall, ceiling and slashes across her arms as it moves past her, as a quick zap sounds, and light scorch seared into the surfaces. As she loosens her hands, the magnetic spindle pulls its strings back into the circular orbiting motion around the gemstone.
Blood runs down her arms. She's used to the feeling at this point. She developed Elektrawire, it definitely took a lot of testing; it's nowhere even close to done either. She holds her shaky hands up and unclasps the bracelet around her wrists, connected to her silver finger claws, via chain and Elektrawire. She sets the bracelet down on the table before turning around to make eye contact with someone she certainly was very unaware of.
"those look rough." Victoria states. The darkness of her dark bob sat just above her shoulders, as the glare behind her round glasses set on the arms of the smaller woman.
"it's nothing Vicky, I assure you." Zhu Qi quickly tries to hide her arms around her back, blood smudging into the black Cheongsam. It wasn't nervousness or anxiety she was feeling, she just had quite exposed this side of her to the rest of the team. They really only know her as the stone cold Vampyre killer; a masked figure zipping around the battle with giant claws made of electric induced wiring and claws.
"nothing's nothing around her." Victoria states bluntly as she approaches Zhu Qi, grabbing her wrist and examining the cuts and gashes. None deep. Or even enough to scar. They are signed though. Electrical signals definitely make surface damage worse than it seems. Victoria let's out a sigh, slumping her shoulders ever so slightly before turning towards the left most wall of the room.
She grabs a small metal box and drags a chair across the room back towards Zhu Qi.
"Sit." Her voice was commanding, and her muscular frame was very much a contributing factor on why people listened when she spoke. She sat backwards on the chair as Zhu Qi sat facing her. Victoria opened the medical box and grabbed a few things; bandages, wipes, and rubbing alcohol. She took the smaller female's wrist as she poured an amount onto a cleaning wipe, dabbing it onto her arm before continuing to speak.
"you've been distant, Spider . . ." Victoria pauses at the nickname. "You've been more . . . Focused, on your work." Victoria's eyes glance up from her friend's arm "From one engineer to another, I know what that usually means. And this." She sets the wipe down and grabs the bandage, "kinda just proves my suspicion . . ." Her voice got quiet at that last part. "What's going Spider. You can talk to me"
Zhu Qi was very much struggling to avoid eye contact. She took out the hand band letting her blunt bangs flow just over the dark blue irises, as she directs her gaze down at the floor next to them
"I'm not used to working with people." She states. Her voice shaky and unnerving. "Back in Asia, I was a vigilante. I worked alone, and I didn't have anyone else to look up to. Or anyone to worry about hurting." She looks back up, and for a second, from behind the bangs, Victoria saw the blue glimpse. "Everyone here is just so . . . So fucking confident in their abilities." She holds her breath for a split second before continuing "and I just don't seem to be eno-" her words are cut off.
Her eyes widen as the rough hands of the darker skinned woman cup her face, and there lips make contact. No more than a few seconds, but definitely a few seconds that happened. The roll of bandages rolls across the floor, as Victoria pulls away.
"don't you ever. EVER, fucking let me hear those words come out of your mouth, Zhu Qi" Victoria states as she leans over to grab the splayed bandages. She takes the scissors and cuts a piece of and secures it right just below Zhu Qi's elbow. Rolls it back up tightly before putting it back in the can. The eyes briefly look back at the smaller woman, before looking away, and then back again in a double take. The smaller woman sits there, eyes wide, still processing what just happened.
"flabbergasted much?" Vicky states, accompanied by a chuckle. "What, was that your first kiss?" The Asian woman's face heated up in a bright shade of red before an exclamation;
"Victoria Renae Jayus!" She scolds "Wh-" a stammer as she stutters out her words. "What the FUCK was that!?", at this point Victoria was already half across the room putting the small tin box back, before turning around, with a worried expression on her face
"THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY YOUR FIRST RIGHT!?!?" Vicky worries, with quite some volume I may add. The stupid question is answered by the smaller girl's face, accompanied by an even darker red, making a quick up and down nod.
"I'm leaving now." The embarrassed Zhu Qi states quickly as she grabs the black disk on the desk, twisting the base, causing the green crystal to turn a deep black and the wires to cinch around it. She takes the miscellaneous items and quickly struts out of the works shop towards the personal room she was allotted.
The dark metal door closes behind her, as she lays upon her bed, bangs moved around her eyes staring at the ceiling, decorated in drawings of artistic spiders and webbing, done by none other than Ms Jayus herself. One thought echoed through her mind though as she layed back pondering
So I kinda have a writing project I've been working on . . .
TRIGGER WARNING, MENTION OF: Nazis, WW2, Fascism, War, Blood, Death, Gore, Murder, violence, vampires, zombies, eradication, genocide (kinda). I'd also like to make it clear I don't support any of these but I do like creative writing and being realistic-ish basis in my historical Hyperfiction, with all this, proceed at your own volition.
I call it Project Savage Varmello . . . Or just Varmello for short. . .
It's a steam/diesel punk WW2 Alternative universe post apocalypse vampire zombie horror action. . .
It's pwetty kewl 🥺👉👈 . . .
It's got big inspirations from: Resident Evil. Attack on Titan, gachiakuta, Dracula, Castlevania, basically every zombie show ever, but like. I want it to be a diesel punk twist so here's a tidbit.
~~~~
"I, founder and president of the society of Active vampire and ghoul extermination Project, Maria Rykars, hereby declare you five, as the SAVAGE Special Unit Devision, aka The Varmello platoon. Make it rain blood, and lay waste to inhumanity".
The look on Justice's face as he raised that hand to his forehead. A salute with passion. After 24 years of service and 8 years of trying to put this squad together, he's finally gotten permission from the original founder who first authorized his entrance into the SAVAGE project. A project older than the entire cast of this crew.
"Thank you for your generosity Madam President." He said as he released his hand from his forehead. "Special Units, Dismissed!". The four members standing behind him in an arrow-like formation turn around as he begins walking towards the back door.
Five super human members. Led by None other than Justice Constantine himself, the 44 year old juggernaut who's been fighting alongside SAVAGE since 7 months after its founding.
Four operatives stand behind their leader. A tall thin man, brown jacket that drapes below his knees, and accustomed with a large rifle about three fourths the size of his own body strapped across his back. Jacques De'Angelo; the Devine punishment himself. Best sniper on this side of the Rebirth. Claims a lord class tortured him and stole his hearing. Alongside his wife and kids.
A smaller lady, in traditional Asian attire. Zhu Qi, the Electric Spider Yokai, the UNA wall district used to call her. She fled through the entirety of Europe to meet Justice in Venice back in 72. She's the sole user of the Elektrawire Core combat technique. An absolute overkill on the. Her black and green attire, and small stature might be unassuming but she was hired on the spot by Justice himself.
Directly to the left. Justice's adopted daughter. Victoria Jayus, AKA Vicky-J. Apparently her grandfather built the blastcores that fueled America, and let it become the United World Rebirth. She wields many weapons, a giant axe on her back. A mallet on her left side. Dagger-like stakes across her chest in a bandolier. Apparently they all work in tandem like some sort of multi weapon system. She's the second in command.
And last but certainly not least . . . Mikeigla Reedes. . . Rumor has it she didn't exist until a couple years ago. Some say she ain't even human. That'd explain a lot. The reason shes in just jeans and a linen shirt. No weapons. No armor. Just, raw organic. There's no way she goes out to the field like that.
The squadron of 5 walk through the giant sliding doors, which propel themselves open with a blast, followed by a bell toll, as another blast slams it back shut behind them.
"HELL TO THE F*** YEAH!" Vicky-J shouts now out of ear shot, jumping and pumping her fist into the air. "How ya feeling pops!" She nudges the older man in the shoulder, slightly shifting the large slab of metal strapped to his back.
"it feels like freedom. You four; are going to be the generation who brings back humanity. We will restore europe, eliminate every Vampyre we can get our blades on, and put an end to that damned virus" the raspy voice commanded as he turned around to face his team.
"THAT IS OUR MISSION. Now tell me . . . Devision Red, are you ready to die for the cause of ReHumanity! ARE YOU READY TO DIE FOR THE GREAT REBIRTH" He pumps his left hand high into the air, for a second it seemed the air moved out of the way for him. Next hand in the air was Jacques.
"I will put a bullet between the eyes of every Lord. So what happened to me, will never happen to anyone again." The tattooed sigils adorned his arms as his hand remained held high.
"I will give the UNA a reason to tear down the wall between Asia and Euro. So that humanity can finally connect again." Zhu Qi's hand raised, significantly lower in height, given her stature compared to the rest, the metal claw Jewelery, and light catching thread that weaved under the claws, running from each finger though a bracelet and a levitating around a small green crystal, floating in a socket reveal on her elbow, now that the sleeve of her black and teal Hanfu had fallen too her shoulder.
"I will bring blast-tech to its absolutely technological apex!" Vicky-J states lifting her fist into the air, the steel stake jangling as she pumps her fist up "I will bring back the F****** STEAM ENGINE" She screams, a bit too excited.
Mia stands there, and stares at her hands. I stand there, and look at MY hands. "I will . . ." A pause. Fallowed by a deep breath. I clench my hand tight and throw it up in the air. "I will put an end to the VM-PYRE virus. And I will end that damned Vampyre who did this to my mother."
andulkaphoto
areudirty
titsay
prguitarman
jacobvanloon
yousharknotpass
amandla
dailybridgerton