Only a couple more posts like this and then Iâll leave yâall alone but⊠I donât know how to explain or articulate it properly but there is something Iâve never picked up on before that I suddenly caught when re-reading Mockingjay.
These two moments⊠when you compare and contrast themâŠ
Galeâs touch and taste and heat remind me that at least my bodyâs still alive, and for the moment itâs a welcome feeling. I empty my mind and let the sensations run through my flesh, happy to lose myself. When Gale pulls away slightly, I move forward to close the gap, but I feel his hand under my chin. âKatniss,â he says. The instant I open my eyes, the world seems disjointed. This is not our woods or our mountains or our way. My hand automatically goes to the scar on my left temple, which I associate with confusion. âNow kiss me.â Bewildered, unblinking, I stand there while he leans in and presses his lips to mine briefly. He examines my face closely. âWhatâs going on in your head?â
âI donât know,â I whisper back.
she says here sheâs (somewhat passively) giving gale all that she withheld from him (when peeta, in her mind, was still a possibility) and thinks at least kissing him makes her feel somewhat alive, but even during the kiss sheâs not present or focused on gale, and he catches onto that. but the portion highlighted is the important part of this scene. she is startled back into reality when gale calls her name and her awakening is the realization that this isnât their way. she doesnât even say âthis isnât my wayâ (as in, kissing isnât something she does unless on camera for a show). and she doesnât say âthis isnât our woods or our mountains or our homeâ (as in, this place is unfamiliar and strange and scary and thatâs whatâs disjointing her). no, she says âthis isnât our wayâ. because this isnât what she does with gale. kissing gale feels alien and wrong in her heart. even with peeta out of the picture.
and then the second passage from later down the line in mockingjay:
Like the mutts. Like a rabid beast bent on ripping my throat out. And here, finally here in this place, in these circumstances, I will really have to kill him. And Snow will win. Hot, bitter hatred courses through me. Snow has won too much already today.
Itâs a long shot, itâs suicide maybe, but I do the only thing I can think of. I lean in and kiss Peeta full on the mouth. His whole body starts shuddering, but I keep my lips pressed to his until I have to come up for air. My hands slide up his wrists to clasp his. âDonât let him take you from me.â
peeta, who she claims to have given up on, is begging to be left behind. how many times has she claimed throughout this book that she wishes he was dead (either to end his suffering or to end her own)? and right here, she has just blown up the halo to mercifully kill finnick. she is so desensitized to death by this point. and she thinks sheâs so desensitized to peeta. she doesnât even want to consider he still is peeta. but here, when she has every reason to put him (and herself) out of his misery, she instead turns to kissing him. why? why would you kiss the monster who is actively fighting to not murder you with his bare hands? why would you kiss the boy you called a mutt? the one who you have already done your best to let go of? why would that even cross your mind as a last ditch effort?
because kissing peeta isnât disjointing and itâs not something she only did for the cameras and itâs certainly not something sheâs only doing passively. sheâs kissing peeta to remind him who he is. to remind herself who he is to her. sheâs tried so hard to stop caring for him, to sever the cord between the two of them, but in this moment she just canât. she kisses him and says âdonât let him take you from meâ.
because the act of kissing actually is their way.
