Hey, could I please request some witches auās?
āListen, I know Iām new at this and all, but you screeching at the top of your tiny frog lungs isnāt going to help anyone, is it?ā
āDonāt you croak at me in that tone.ā
A neighbour just moved in next to me, and whenever they talk to me I always feel like theyāre interrogating me. It probably has something to do with the vast amounts of smoke wafting from underneath my front door, the sound of me mumbling spells in the middle of the night, and the occasional muffled explosionā¦ Yeah, Iām just a junkie ā thatās all.
āHail Mary! Here I was thinking that you were a witch. Now, thatād be a problem if you were; see, Iām a Puritan/firm non-believer in paganism.āāHahaha, wouldnāt that be funny?ā
A puritan??? I thought they all died out! Of course, the last puritan on Earth has to move next door to me! Of course!
Weāve been friends for years, so are familiars are really good friends with each other too. Recently, while weāve been doing witchy stuff, Iāve noticed that our familiars are growing extremely close and being affectionate towards each other. Thatās weird because like our familiars are supposed to represent our subconscious and thatās not how we feel about each other at allā¦ right?
OK, I know youāre excited about starting your own coven and everything and I agree that we should get the word out for people to join; but is brightly coloured leaflets and witch-themed cookies really the way you want to go?
āSo, no fundraising witchy bake sale?ā
People think that we just do all this witchy shit for the āāāāāaestheticāāāāāā but like, if we donāt finish this luck spell in time Iām genuinely going to fail this final and then have to flunk out of college. So, sure, weāre running around at the dead of night stealing peopleās shit for the āāāāāaestheticāāāāā.
We completed the spell and you went to take your final: turns out we got one of the ingredients wrong, and yes that does mean you aced that test without the luck spell!!!
āI thought youād be happy?āāAre you kidding me??? I couldāve just gone to sleep at a normal hour instead of stealing hair strands from strangers!! Iām banned from three hairdressersā because of that spell you know?!?ā
Thereās a very thin line between being outright satanic and practising witchcraft. I think youāre in danger of crossing that line ā what the fuck, is that blood??
Do ā Do you have to do the creepy possessed thing everytime you cast a spell? Like, I know you canāt help it and stuff, but thatās the kind of stuff that makes me terrified of you.
I borrowed the broomstick you keep in your wardrobe, and while I was cleaning up some lint; it suddenly shOT UPWARDS AND SMASHED INTO THE CEILING WHILE I WAS STILL HOLDING IT AND IT WONāT STOP MOVING GET ME DOWN FROM HERE I SWEAR TO GOD.
āThereās a reason why I tell you not go through my stuff.āāI thought it was because you were into some weird shit, but not this kind of weird!!!ā
Just because I like wearing black pointy hats and have a cat does not mean Iām not serious about practicing witchcraft. Ask anyone from the coven, theyād tell you I donāt mess around with witchcraft: I could turn you into a slug in 0.2 seconds if youāre not careful.
I always get my witch supplies from this superstore that literally sells the strangest things (which is perfect), youāre on a shift on Friday/Saturday nights which is normally when I do my spellcasting. Itās been three months and whilst adding up the bill for numerous butcher knives, sea salt, vanilla extract, and three goldfish ā you finally say something to me.
āI know this is none of my business but itās been three months and Iāve seen people buy weird stuff before but not consistently. What do you even do with this stuff??āā..Are you sure you wanna know?āāIf I die tomorrow without finding out, it will be my biggest regret in life, so yes; please.ā
āI just do understand the stigma against witches. Like, if people got to know us better, they wouldnāt be so judgemental.āāYouāre telling me this whilst cutting out the insides of a dead goat that you bought off the dark web. I think that speaks for itself.ā
āItās not like I can order a goat of Amazon, is it? God, my life would be so much more convenient if I could.ā
When you said that witchcraft was a āhobbyā, I thought that just meant the occasional herb spell every now and then: that did not mean that you could hold the meetings for your covens at our house?? Are you drinking blood in your tea??
Donāt give me that shit again about how itās full of minerals and irons ā itās still blood.
Your best friend is a witch hunter (why the fuck there are witch hunters in the 21st century I do not know), so yes, I do ā correction: we ā have a problem if you keep insisting to remain friends with them. Even if you give me a 12-hour heads up about them coming over: it takes 16 hours for all essences and smells to completely dissipate. Witch hunters are like bloodhounds, nothing gets past them ā do you want them to burn me at the stake??
When you asked if I wanted to celebrate Halloween with you, I assumed that would just include a night of watching bad horror movies and cheap candy. A ghost summoning ritual wasnāt really what I had in mind.
I think I might like you just enough to ignore the fact that I may accidentally walk into a ritual in which youāll be levitating off the ground, your head tilted back, smoke billowing from a nearby pot, and the whites of your eyes showing. I just might.
āSo, you know?āāSeriously? Youāre terrible at hiding it. There are several things Iāve found in your cabinets that you definitely canāt find on a normal shopping list.ā
āAre goat hooves not popular anymore?ā āStrangely, no.ā
You made some passing comment about witches being ābasicā and suddenly itās been an hour and a half since I started lecturing you on the different types of witches and how complicated it is to be a witch. I donāt know how to get out of this so letās just say: Iām a passionate advocator for witch rights?
I donāt really know how to respond but you bet your ass Iām now certain that youāve got something witchy going on.
ā Hereās some more of my own Witch AUs!
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