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@morgandria
I don't always break out the ROYGBIV this early in June (and sometimes not at all, depending on how distasteful and hypocritical I find that year's corporate rainbow-washing). But I guess one doesn’t assemble an army of brightly coloured Baphomets without some purpose or intent.
Happy Pride, folx. Don't let the bastards keep you down.
The end of last week was muted. I felt off. I wanted to withdraw. I felt numb. Beyond tired. Thursday, Friday. Disengage.
Saturday was a good day, out of nowhere. But it devoured my limited energy.
Sunday? Nothing left. Drained. Wobbled my way through the hours.
(The blue moon, btw, has been firing manic effusive dreams into my skull. Sleep is a tangled nest of places and things and people dripping Significance without context or even meaning. Not helpful.)
Today?
A migraine, one significantly NOT triggered by weather. I would happily vanish from human sight forever. Whatever this non-mood is, it’s clingy and persistent.
Makes me so glad that this is the week that's packed with several solid days of busy social interactions, that also require me to actually Get The Housework Done Properly. I'm never more fun than when I’d happily crawl into a hole and die, after all, bursting with all the lack of vitality that entails.
Not enough sleep in the world right now. But I'm staying in bed.
The lilacs are starting to bloom here, marking the very end of my emerald-blue-violet synaethesia vibe I get for May. That transitions to a gold-green-sky blue thing for me at the start of June, but. Lucifer has declared “hot wet Satanic summer”, and I honestly do not know what to do with that. The altar in the bedroom will need to shift shortly, but I’m not at all sure I know where I'm going to start (or end up). I sometimes get more guidance through dreams, but last night was about trying to find the perfect pen, elaborate board game set up, and stealing holy spoons from the Pope, sooo… I won't hold my breath.
Hot. Wet. Satanic. Summer. I can't even.
Still trying to figure out a ritual expression to honour Lilith and Lucifer. Haven’t found the right language, or construction - but the altar itself is pleasing. Indigo twilight, violet dawn - treading the edges of night.
I dreamt last night about the farmhouse, for the first time since I learned it'd been torn down. I could feel lt looming behind me, but I never actually turned to look at it. Instead it was just a long shadow stretching across the field, stark against the wash of the setting sun to touch the trees along the boundary. I used to love watching the sunset paint the trees from the doorstep.
I was there, but I wasn’t there. Just passing through, diffuse, seeing but unseen. Twilight grew, violet stealing into the fading gold… and then there were fireflies. Magical things, little streaks of light zipping around the canola plants. I stood and watched the shadows of my brothers following those darting streaks through the field until everything faded into night.
Beautiful, but more than a touch haunting. It leaves me wistful, and mournful. Just a reflection that reminds us of the impermanence of all things.
The weather is still swinging up and down madly, but the land has absolutely exploded into lush greenness in the last two weeks. It felt like it had been awoken in an unexpected hurry, told to throw its' clothes on and get its' ass in gear. I'm relatively certain we're well on our way to Summer… but I still have a pair of mittens in my purse.
The meatsuit is still unfun to pilot much of the time. Too much pain, too much anxiety, not enough physical energy. I'd just like it to let me do my housework in a timely manner, before executive dysfunction kicks in. It’d be great if I gave me some space to paint or bead, too, but I’m really in the weeds with basic household maintenance.
What's left of my tree is absolutely crowned and skirted in green shoots. It's full of gleeful spite, and still reaching for the sun. I have things to decorate the yard, too, but I haven’t made it into the back yet this year. I know things need a good tidy there, too.
So that's about it for me lately. I have lots of things I want to do, plenty of things I need to do, and a very limited amount of spoons and/or fucks to do them with. At least the world smells good again, as the green unfurls its' glories.
My working altar in the living room looks so nice right now, thanks to the lovely tarot cloth I received at Beltane. It really ties things together.
Beltane was good. Our gathering was on the smaller side, but all was well. We always manage to celebrate together with joy and laughter. A lot of us are going through some stuff so we're very much having to adapt and carry on the best we can. I always feel like as witches age the magical skills deepen and strengthen, but some of the physical aspects of our practices wane. It's all very “infinite cosmic power! - itty bitty living space”. We don’t chase quite as hard as we used to, and I’m pretty sure none of are leaping any fires any time soon. You change with the times.
My new ritual clothes consist of a lovely shirt and pant combo, and a vest overtop. There are pockets, and it makes my enby self feel seen. I like having the option when I'm having issues with skirts and dresses. (A lot of my robes are just dresses.) I’m already thinking about getting a tunic as well, to have another option. I tend to dress more masc in the winter, and more femme in the summer, but that's mostly a pragmatic choice. Summer is too damn hot so loose clothes that have air flow are better. I do hope I can feel ok wearing a skirt or dress sometime this summer, since I have some nice new ones that deserve to be worn.
It was one of those Beltanes where it snowed. I'm not sure how far we managed to bring the Summer in - yesterday was gorgeous but we've been having a cold wet Spring so far. I shouldn’t complain. I’d like to delay getting the AC working as long as possible, and I am also not too eager to get out there and set up the backyard for the season. Spring is a lot farther along in other places than here, but we thought we'd have snow piles until June with the way this winter went. I feel like we’re doing well just having some grass going. Heh.
This summer's animal spirit is the turkey vulture, which is something totally different for me. Less time looking at the little things underfoot, more looking at the bigger picture above me. The change in perspective might do me some good. (Also, maybe I find some nice bones this summer. I will be keeping an eye out.)
I am going to be trying to let myself work on things like beading and painting more, without letting all the things I think I “should” be doing eat me alive. I don't want the house to fall apart, but I need to stop giving housework more weight than the things I enjoy that also need doing. There’s a balance I'm trying to find between the two that I don't think I’ve found yet. I just want a little more enjoyment in my days, without the anxiety that often travels with it.
Anyhoo. Onwards into May we go, and who knows where the season will be at the end. Looking forward to the advent of good green growing things.
Beltane, late April 2026
Time to connect to the energy for the Sabbat this weekend. (Trying my best, at any rate.)
Thunderstorms early this morning, but it's clear and warm now. I have the requisite headache and my allergies rage, but I still have windows open to the sun and air. (It isn’t worth fighting the cat to keep the curtain in here closed.) I don’t have the brain for much but I'm doing a little clearing to push the stale winter energy lingering around out. The house smells of sun-warmed earth and my good loose incense. You can just see a bit of grass starting to poke up their heads, and pale green line the branches of trees.
Weather changes Sunday so I'll happily have my windows open while I can, even when the pollen eats my face.
The weather's still lousy for me. Temps/air pressures are still bouncing. Monday it gets too warm for this time of year, and stormy, for the week. I don't approve. I know that warm bump of air is gonna kickstart the trees as well, so my allergies are gonna rage soon. And my arsehole toe decided it was angry again, so I'm back on antibiotics praying the damn thing doesn't explode. I hate this time of year. If my feet are going to do something stupid, it's always in the spring.
Been laying pretty low thanks to that. Doing what I can around the margins. I am tired of just being a collection of chronic health issues inside one skin. Trying very hard not to be restless.
New glasses soon. My first pair of progressives. (I'm sure my joy is palpable, but fuck it I want to be able to read things.) My prescription starts with a 7 on both sides now, so let me tell you the price per lens would make you weep. But again - reading things without strain good.
Beltane's creeping up. I am forcing myself to get my painting done, because I have a hard deadline now and I seem to need that to work against. It wouldn't feel so impossible to get through if I didn't keep printing out new shiny things that need paint. I mean, most of it is a couple coats of dry brushing, but it adds up. But I will get through my self-imposed work.
I want to enjoy Beltane, but dear Gods this toe is testing my temper. It's less than fun to manage wounded feet when I know I'm going to be on them far more than usual. I also have to find the energy to bake some stuff for that weekend, which is always iffy these days.
so yeah. I'm more in survival mode than really enjoying life right now. Too much goddamn horror and stupidity going on. Makes it hard to find even the small pleasures and wonders in the world. We could all use a little wonder.
S'March is clinging on like a supremely unwelcome wight that just can’t bear to stop sucking the heat out of the bones of the living. It has been a vile, grey, absolutely shit-filled month. It is always terrible. I want it to leave.
I always get sick in March. Usually my meat suit's unique properties welds together a couple different bugs into sheer maleficence, and this March was no exception. I threw up for four days straight, having created my own perfect storm out of a head cold, the flu, a bad gastroparesis flare already in progress, and some bloody awful weather migraine spikes. By the end of day two I genuinely prayed for death. I couldn’t sleep for more than three hours at a time, and the migraine drove a kind of pain loop that I couldn’t break because I couldn’t keep anything down long enough for meds to work. I started really improving after 5 days, once I managed to get some meds to stay in and got some decent sleep.
The lingering fuckery is that I have zero sense of smell and little sense of taste currently. I can taste sweet, salt, acidity, the edges of butter, and chemical heat, but only occasionally do I get ghostly whispers of things like my fruit juice. There's no actual flavours, which tells me my tastebuds are probably mostly ok but my sense of smell is completely bollocked. Let me tell you, texture alone does not stimulate the appetite. Food has next to no appeal.
It's not all medical doom, though. I am pleasantly surprised that I have managed to heal up the toe that blistered on my own. It's got some gnarly thick skin, but everything dried up without ulcerating. It's good, after having been full of dread over it. It was pretty ugly for a while, and it’s hard not to get freaked out with foot problems. I may end up being able to swim this summer after all.
Weather's doing a wild wobble right now. Cold with flurries today, but very warm for a couple days to come before we crash back down to the cold. This is the kind of unstable nonsense that drives migraines and tornado outbreaks. March is determined to be as much of an ass as it can, while we try to shove it out the door. Seeing other places enjoying their spring is nice, but it’s frustrating knowing we still have weeks before we thaw out. I guess that shouldn’t be surprising, considering we got more snow than last year (how?!), but still. I will instead try to be grateful we didn’t have another ice storm, while knocking very loudly on some handy wood.
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It was snowing earlier, and we're still buried in the stuff despite several determined rounds of melting. (We just keep getting more, is the problem.) So while it will not be spring here until May, I do acknowledge we've slid from one side of the balance to the other today. I like the Equinox as just that. The mark of no return from the shift in the light that happens in February.
BrĂd has (somewhat reluctantly) emerged, on the basis that the lake is thawing and the snowbanks are slowly shrinking. I poured her some rhubarb liqueur, and lit a ton of candles so we're at least pretending it's warmer and brighter. I know we're closer to the green season now than before. It was -27 Celcius at Imbolc. While we're still not always above freezing yet, BrĂd agrees that this is good enough.
Not too much else going on. Hoping to throw some paint at some miniatures this weekend, get a bunch of those closer to finished. I still need to teach J how to paint a jeweled windscreen on his mechs. I'm not sure how great a teacher I am, but he does get private lessons. Heh.
Hopefully Spring is more sproingy for folks in different locales than here!
Raining Stars - Lord of the Lost
J's unexpectedly home today, so I have to forgo the incense bombing as I know it gets to him. The windows are open, though, and I can burn a regular amount of incense. If it's not too cold tomorrow I may try then.
The Cipro has really aggravated my neuropathy. My feet and hands were made of television static all night. (Now there’s a concept that ages me. No tv has static anymore.) My feet are quiet right now but my hands are driving me crazy. It was a rough night, and I woke up to some serious nausea and stomach shenanigans. So today is fired. Nothing needs doing that urgently, and I know my brain and body need to settle out after two days of ignoring a migraine.
It's False Spring right now. Big thaw ongoing. The fog off the snow when it's warm out is both eerie and wonderful. I used to walk the fields when it happened, getting lost between worlds. I like the way it sinks to fill all the low points in the land, a mistral shroud. I don't mind losing our ridiculous snowbanks and icy surfaces, but I'm less thrilled with the mud. I'll open some windows tomorrow and smoke cleanse the shit out of the house while I can. The cat should be happy in her usual window. The S’March weather reasserts itself with snow and cold by Thursday, so I shouldn’t procrastinate. At least if it freezes the mud will get put on hold for a bit.
My working altar is in a weird transitional state. It's primarily black and white, but there is some gold and silver creeping in. I'm not sure if it needs more colour, or less. It’s also covered in snakes, which are beginning to stir under the snow. It all may change before the equinox, and definitely will after.
I will approach BrĂd tomorrow and see if she is ready to unveil herself, while it’s warm outside. If I wait too long before asking, sometimes Second Winter barrels right through and She’s veiled until Beltane. But I think things are stirring enough that She may be ready to join us again.