For young allo-aces, so you don't make my same mistakes
Ok, so I have been debating myself for long enough about whether or not should I write, and even worse, post this, considering I am still battling how I feel about most of what happened. However, today I came across some 'ace experiences' posts as well as the "aces still have sex" topic, and figured that I didn't have to have my feelings sorted out in order to give some advice about how to NOT end up in the situation I was in. So, here goes nothing:
(Also, english is not my first language. Sorry if anything sounds funny)
Around a year ago I entered my first relationship ever (I was 20 years old, same about my partner). By that time I already knew I was ace, I had known for about two years, however I didn't know the specifics about my stance on sex. Would I be repulse by it? could I enjoy it? I knew what in theory seemed fine by me, some things that did made me want to run the opposite direction, but there were many aspects of it (including the act itself) that were just labelled "???" in my mind cause I just didn't know.
The thing is (and I imagine that many aces can relate) I was fine with not knowing. Sure, there was some curiosity and the usual 'feeling like the odd one out' when friends of mine would bring up their experiences (topic for another day), but I was honestly ok with things.
Then, enter my (ex)boyfriend.
I don't have to get into the details, just know that I was head over heals for him. I loved him and pretty sure that I was in love with him. I considered him my best friend, and he helped through many hardships. I am terrible at setting bounderies and he constantly tried to help me start setting healthy bounderies for myself. Honestly, he was a good boyfriend in most aspects.
He entered the relationship knowing that I was ace, that I had no experience whatsoever (he was also my first kiss), and that I had mental-emotional barriers that just made the topic even more confusing and complicated for me. I knew that he had some experience and that he considered sex an important part of the relationship. But both of us (at least said that we) were willing to compromise.
Here things get really confusing and blurry for me, I just knew things became a slippery slope. It didn't help that I have a really bad time identifying feelings and anxiety and fear share the same physical reactions that thrill and excitement do.
For months my compromises of being open to trying things became agreeing to things I didn't want. I was already bad at bounderies and bad at reading my own emotions, but add to the mix the fact that I don't even have the "sexual attraction" part to guide me and it was a mess. I was a mess. I was lying in every front. I lied to my friends about enjoying my new sex-life (funnily enough we didn't even have THE SEX, you know the p in v, just did sex-stuff) I lied to my boyfriend about being ok with things, I lied to myself about being OK with all of this. That it was normal and I was just getting used to things. That I was overthinking and that was the problem. This went on for months.
Meanwhile I had panic attacks every other week. I threw up pretty much every morning. I started to dread being alone with my boyfriend, who let me remind you, I LOVED. This was months ago and I still feel the same icy feeling in my stomach just thinking about it.
Why did I do all this? I know that even if other alloaces can relate to all of this everyone may have different reasons. Some people want to fit in, don't feel left out, feel like they must first prove to themselves somehow that they are aces by going through with this shit or think that otherwise they'll never have a partner. In my case, I knew he would leave if I put a stop to it. Actually, I tried to, a couple of times, but even if he didn't explicitly state it I just knew. So yeah, we "talked" things, we agreed to compromise (again)
HERE is that I need you guys to listen to me. DO NOT. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID
Compromise is fair right? Is meeting in the middle? That's good. That's fair-
NO. IT IS NOT. THINK ABOUT IT, and gosh I wish I had thought about it. There's no middle in this. Its either we do stuff or we don't. He wanted to do stuff. I didn't feel safe doing stuff. We still did stuff. I was hurting myself continuosly and repeatedly, putting my needs aside for his wants, that was my "compromise". What was his? Being a little more patient? Comforting me while I was having panic attacks?
If you are an alloasexual please please please know this; it sounds obvious and it feels even dumb to say it, but I "knew" it and still did what I did. Don't agree to do anything you are not sure about. If you are like me and knowing what the heck you are feeling is a "guess the emotion" kind of game, then simply base yourself on whether or not you feel safe. Do you feel safe doing what you are about to do? Do you feel safe that your partner won't do anything that you didn't agree to? Do you feel safe that they will stop if you say so? Do you feel safe that YOU YOURSELF CAN AND WILL SAY NO IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT?
In my case my problem was not my partner. Yes, he did act like a dick sometimes, and yes, it was kind of ironic that he knew about my issues setting bounderies, saw the mess that I was around the topic and still choose to ignore the red flags as much as I was. But I was the main perpetrator.
I knew something felt wrong, I knew I was afraid of disappointing my partner, I knew I straight up felt like I couldn't say no to him. And I still put myself in those situations.
Please please please learn from my mistakes. You don't owe no one compromises. You don't owe no one sex. Its ok if you love them and it is ok if you are afraid of them leaving, but it is the better option. It is better to loose someone than to loose the trust you have with yourself.
Funny enough I lost both things. I lost the very small and very fragile trust I had to keep myself safe in those scenarios, and because it obviously was a very unhealthy pattern it completely ruined my relationship.
I see so many posts about "asexuals can still have sex" and they are not wrong. I'm not saying that you shouldn't,
As long as you are safe in doing so
As long as you are not pressured, neither by your partner, society, or yourself to do so.
I understand my experience still applies to alloallos. And if you are not ace and still find this helpful, I'm glad to hear that. But as aces I feel there's a higher risk of us falling into this kind of things. I can't speak for every ace out there, but in my case not having sexual attraction just fucked me up even more because everything became a guessing game. Even if I now realize how messed up the whole situation was, while I was living through it it felt impossible to decipher what was wrong. Even if mentally or emotionally it was wrecking me, sex stuff still felt good in the physical aspect.
If it feels good then I surely must be enjoying it right? And yeah, there's this sense of dread in my stomach whenever I think its about to happen again, but that is because I'm not allosexual for sure. Everything is fine, is just my aceness getting in the way-
No. Wrong. That's not how it works but only now after months of living through it and months after of introspection and analizing can understand that it was not supposed to feel that way, EVEN IF I'M ACE.
So yeah, that's that. I don't know how many people this will reach but I hope at least reaches one person who can benefit from reading it. If you went or are going through something similar, know you can reach out. Hope you all have a good day 🖤🤍🩶💜
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