My Lost Epitaph

Riley (He/Him)/30/NYC/Taken instagram: finefrenchroast

[mylostepitaph]

Hey Tumblr! I need your help. A friend of mine from grad school and I want to make some videos about economics and could use your help! Could you comment (or reblog with) either a topic that you think we can't connect to economics (really give us a challenge) or something about economics that you may hear on the news (interest rates, inflation, renting vs. buying) that confuses you. Do both of you want.

We'd really appreciate your help and I can't wait to see what you suggest.

[hafnia]

[dmitribogdanov]

I'm flexing right now.

No one can beat me or destroy me, not even this fucking anti gay country

[mylostepitaph]

Fuck me up, Mr. Clean

[balo-badartist]

A kiss for the sleepy hero of Time

[heartbreakhalo]

[minotauri]

sources say there are muscles in the back of my neck. and they want to kill me

[rvllybllply2014]

He sure does love his fruits

[nothing-an-iratze-cant-fix]

We just not going to talk about how he can also do pottery? With chocolate?

[knitmeapony]

And stickers!

[gholateg]

he HAS A not chocolate version of that god damned bowl right there! TAUNTING US, and holding the not pastries kiwis!

[supreme-leader-stoat]

[whydousernamesevenexist]

Guys, let's make a sandwich. I'll start:

Bread

[mmmm-daily]

the souls of the innocent

[traaansfem]

The sins of the guilty

[118sexen]

time loop

[quab00]

Guys, let's make a sandwich. I'll start:

Bread

[whydousernamesevenexist]

the souls of the innocent

[daddysclownboy]

The sins of the guilty

[118sexen]

time loop

[simply-a-leaf]

Guys, let's make a sandwich. I'll start:

Bread

[saphi-everything-deactivated202]

the souls of the innocent

[ssnogcb]

The sins of the guilty

[im-an-anthusiast]

time loop

[elizarivers]

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

[mrblazeflappybird]

the souls of the innocent

[sleepy-boything-shit]

the sins of the guilty

[118sexen]

time loop

[coelii]

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

[gorefudge]

the souls of the innocent

[void-mf]

the sins of the guilty

[118sexen]

time loop

[ash-the-tiefling]

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

[shittest-wizard-ever]

the souls of the innocent

[terri-theslime13]

the sins of the guilty

[archaicfirehydrants]

hi im emily whats going on in here

[terri-theslime13]

Sandwich 👍

[homoeroticjunoincident]

THE TIMELOOP HAS BEEN BROKEN EVERYBODY SAY THANK YOU EMILY

[zeemczed]

Mustard

[iwilltrytobereasonable]

Bread

[zeemczed]

[pleasestopthese]

thank you emily good job everyone

[hiveswap]

Everyone go look up the song nasa banned from space

[hiveswap]

Don't forget to play it loud as fuck

[kowai-kabuki-tanuki]

please….listen to the whole thing. And imagine that you are IN SPACE in 1973 and you JUST woke up. Every time you adjust…it escalates somehow.

This song had to be designed in a lab for the sole purpose of fucking with astronauts. whoever added it to the NASA playlist was a genius.

[hiveswap]

It took them two tries to ban it?

[kvotheunkvothe]

[raraeavesmoriendi]

NOT THE CRABS WE EXPECTED BUT STILL SOME CRABS WE DESERVE!!!

[whosname]

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

[threesome-kingxx]

You’re cute but can me and my friend rub our dicks together inside you?

[redavexat]

[noahrileyauthor]

Star-Spangled Bottom

All characters engaged in sexual activity are 18 or older.

“Alright, Will, your turn, truth or dare?” Nick shoots my way with a shit-eating grin on his face. The guy just shotgunned an entire Corona in under thirty seconds, so now I have to step it up, otherwise he’s going to be gloating the rest of the weekend. 

“Dare,” I shoot back. “Do your worst.” 

“Hmmm.” Nick taps his index finger on his lips dramatically, as if this is anything other than some stupid game he pulled us into. “I dare you to jump in the pool naked,” he says, blue eyes taunting me, daring me to back down. 

Danny and Justin chuckle while Matt yells out something about not jumping in on this side of the pool now that he’s got the grill going for our Fourth of July BBQ. I ignore them as my eyes flick to the shimmering pool and then to the harsh sun overhead. We’ve been in and out of the pool since we got here a few hours ago, so all of us are shirtless and in various stages of drying off. But it’s been a minute since I hopped in, and the sweat trickling down the side of my forehead makes it easier for me to nod and walk over to the other end of the pool. 

I shove my shorts down and immediately hear wolf-whistles the moment my cock flops out into view. After a quick middle finger in their direction, I jump into the pool with a small splash, the water nice and cool against my warm skin. I swim a lap from one end of the pool to the other, cutting through the water effortlessly now that my shorts aren’t creating a drag. No wonder swimmers wear speedos—this feels amazing. 

When I surface, Danny and Justin cheer while Nick yells out, “Woo hoo! Skinny dipping time!”

Not to be outdone, Nick strips off his shorts, and surprisingly so do Danny and Justin. All three of them jump in naked, causing Matt to yell again about the grill. “Oh, come on, Matt! Live a little. Join us! You know you want to,” Danny teases when he comes back up for air. 

Matt shakes his head and then mutters something under his breath before stepping away from the grill and joining us—sans clothing, of course.

Seeing each other naked isn’t new for any of us. That’s what happens when you live in the same fraternity house for three years straight. At some point or another, we’ve all walked in on each other—showering, changing, jacking off, even in the middle of hooking up with some random chick—there really isn’t anything we haven’t seen. But skinny dipping is new for us, though it helps that it’s just the five of us and not the entire Kappa fraternity here today. 

We swim around for a while, splashing and chasing each other around the pool, throwing an inflatable ball around for shits and giggles, completely at ease with each other’s nudity. That is until Matt gets out, rivulets of water running down his body as he looks around for his shorts. 

“Hey Matt,” Danny calls out. “I dare you to grill up the food naked. Just don’t get your spunk all over my burger.” 

That earns him a laugh from all of us, but Matt rolls his eyes. “That’s not how the game works, Danny boy. You have to ask me truth or dare.” 

“Fine, truth or dare?” Danny chirps.

Matt sighs heavily, the regret already clear in his eyes. “Dare, I guess…”

Danny gets out of the pool with a smirk. “Well, then you know what my dare is. In fact, I dare all of us to stay naked the rest of the day.”

Justin sputters, “Bro, what if my parents come home? What the fuck am I supposed to say to them?”

Danny waves him off and says, “They’re gone for the weekend, dude. They’re not coming back.” 

Justin shakes his head and mutters something about being grateful his parents don’t have cameras in the backyard. The rest of us get out of the pool, and I go to lie down on one of the pool chairs, hoping to tan the places that never get any sun. 

“Will, truth or dare?” Nick taunts, sitting down next to me. 

“What? I just went, it should be Justin’s turn or yours.” 

“Fine,” he huffs. “Justin, truth or dare?” he asks, turning to Justin, who’s on his other side. 

“Umm, truth.” Justin replies. 

“Booo!” Nick gives him a thumbs down. “What’s the gayest shit you’ve ever done?”

Justin’s face pales and he stammers, “The fuck? I… I haven’t done gay shit.” 

Matt snorts from the grill and with a grin asks, “So what do you call cuddling up to me that one time we shared a hotel bed and I woke up to your boner pressing up against my cheeks?”

Justin’s face falls, and he hisses, “I told you that was an accident. I can’t control my morning wood.” 

We all burst out laughing, except for Justin, who looks at the pool like he’s contemplating whether he can drown himself in there. But then he snaps out of it and turns his gaze to Nick. “Nick, truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Nick says confidently. 

Justin gives him a look, and I already know this isn’t going to be good. Justin is usually the more responsible one, but he gets a little crazy when he feels he’s backed into a corner. “Nick, I dare you to give Will head until he comes.” 

My eyes go wide, and Danny and Matt stop chattering by the grill to look at us. Nick’s got this stunned expression on his face, looking back and forth between me and the evil smile on Justin’s face. 

“Dude… You know I can’t turn down a dare,” Nick says softy. 

There is no fucking way he’s sucking my cock. Is he?

For the first time ever, I think Nick is going to give in and call it quits. Until he slowly gets up from his chair and sits on the edge of mine, right between my legs. My cock twitches from the proximity, his eyes flicking between my dick and my eyes, like he’s not sure if he should even look at me. But finally his eyes lock with mine and I give him a subtle nod, not really thinking through what I just gave him permission to do. 

Nick leans in close, one arm balancing his weight between my legs while his free hand reaches out and gently grabs my shaft. His fingers wrap around my length, gently stroking it to life. The fact that my best friend has his hand around my dick is weird enough, but my cock should not be responding the way it is. 

He’s a guy, what the hell is wrong with my penis?

Within seconds, I’m fully hard, all six inches standing at attention as Nick moves his fist up and down, his thumb teasing the underside of the head, massaging the bundle of nerves there. 

A low groan escapes me, and I lean my head back for half a second before I feel something wet across my crown, only to see Nick’s tongue tentatively swiping against it, like he’s licking a popsicle for the first time. 

The others have gotten closer to us—even Matt, grill forgotten again—their cocks suspiciously plumper than they had been a few minutes ago. But my attention is dragged back to what’s happening between my legs when Nick takes my entire head in his mouth, softly sucking on it, eliciting another moan from me. Pleasure sparks throughout my body, and my stomach feels like it’s doing cartwheels. 

Nick draws his eyes up to me as he continues to suck, his tongue swirling around the crown before teasing the slit with the tip of his tongue, lapping up my precum. My hands fly into his hair, fingers threading through his locks, and his eyes bore into me as he takes me deeper, silently asking if he’s doing okay. 

“Fuck, Nick,” I gasp, tightening my grip on his hair. I want to tell him he’s doing amazing, but it shouldn’t feel this good getting head from a guy, should it? I mean, I’ve had my fair share of girls suck me off, but this is next level. 

And it only gets better as he slowly takes in more of my length into his mouth, inch by inch until the blunt head is hitting the back of his throat, causing him to gag and pull away. But the loss of his mouth around me has me pushing him back down a second later while he strokes what he can’t take with his hand. 

I can see in my periphery that the others are completely hard now, Danny openly stroking himself while Justin and Matt are holding back somehow—though their cocks are shiny with precum. 

Then Nick surprises me by sinking lower onto my cock again, this time without gagging. His nose brushes against my trimmed pubes before he swallows, his throat constricting around me, pushing me over the edge. I warn him I’m coming, but the first jet of cum erupts in his mouth before he can pull off. He strokes me through my orgasm, his fist furiously fucking me up and down as I explode all over myself, painting my chest and abs. 

Nick doesn’t stop stroking me until I’m completely spent and oversensitive. I grab his wrist to stop him, and we lock eyes again. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and grins at me. “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be... Now, Will, it’s your turn, truth or dare?”

I stare at him, stunned. He’s acting like him sucking my dick is no big deal. But I shake it off. If that’s how he wants to play it, then fine. “Dare,” I tell him. 

He gives me a devilish grin. “I dare you to let us come all over you.” 

Read the rest of the story on my Patreon!

[nocturnal-stims]

Weeping monster pots

👁 Eamonquigs on IG

[byjove]

The “cis is a slur” shit is so funny because you know the people who say that are using transphobic slurs in every other sentence and assuming that cis is derogatory because all of the terms they use for trans people are so the terms transgender people use to refer to their identity must be demeaning too. It’s not but if they do invent a slur against cisgender people, I will be using it. Fuck off, default settings.

[wumblr]

all of the numbers that are divisible by 17 sound so absurd. 51? 68? 85? ridiculous. 102? absolutely not. and don't even get me started on 119

[wumblr]

34 and 136 i can believe, but i feel like i shouldn’t. it’s 102 in a trench coat

[red-swimmerz-deactivated2021082]

did we just run out of posts to make

[wumblr]

no, i haven't made a post about every number yet

[swinginsportscutebasketball]

I'm sorry to let you know that 100,000,001 (one hundred million and one) is divisible by 17 and because of that, so is every 16-digit number that is four digits repeated four times e.g. 1234123412341234

[wumblr]