Historian Pringle

Cryptid

[sunderwight]

Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.

[mildmayfoxe]

1) any stretching is better than no stretching

2) any vegetable is better than no vegetable

3) statistically you will never be the worst person at anything, there is always someone in the world who is worse at stuff than you are

[smokinghorse]

Burnout is a jockey and he's riding me to death.

[bitchesgetriches]

How to Manage Your Burnout When the World Is on Fire

[asteroidtroglodyte]

I’m very entertained by the phrasing of “escaped containment” to describe posts that get shared to other sites; it implies that Tumblr is being kept under containment to begin with, as if we were some manner of SCP, or perhaps a Zoo

[andromaex]

well.

i mean. is it not?

because what is a tumblr post, really, if not a highly unstable cultural artifact? a self-replicating text organism that thrives in a very specific ecosystem of mutuals, tags, and shared context so dense it might as well be its own dialect. remove it from that environment—strip away the layers of irony, the implicit tone indicators, the ten years of accumulated in-jokes—and suddenly you’ve got something incomprehensible at best and actively alarming at worst.

like yes, of course it reads as unhinged on twitter. it was never designed for twitter. that’s like taking a bioluminescent deep-ocean creature and slapping it onto a suburban sidewalk and going “huh. why is it like that.”

tumblr isn’t a website, it’s a containment field for a very specific genre of thought. once breached, you get screenshots floating around with captions like “what does this even mean” and the answer is: it means everything in situ. it means nothing out here. you’ve removed the specimen from its native conditions. it’s going to start screaming.

and ykw i think we should lean into it.

every post should be tagged like:

Item #: TBLR-███ Object Class: Keter Special Containment Procedures: Do not allow this post to reach platforms with character limits or a fundamentally different irony structure. In the event of containment breach, deny all interpretive responsibility.

[brightlotusmoon]

[serverr00m]

[crashlapine]

[sashayed]

has anyone figured out how to turn off the thing where you love your pet so much it slides inexorably into grief-borrowing

[boomstab-papa]

[your-cosmic-creature]

“For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

[archibaldtuttle]

I want to show you an actual training slide from my customer service job that I had to see yesterday.

[targetdotcom-deactivated2026011]

Fińàncial Harm

[tittyinfinity]

[anexperimentallife]

[queeriocheerios]

It’s called ‘being able to see the corpse’

[burning-cathedrals-deactivated2]

So if I put you in an L-shaped swimming pool, and you knew there was a corpse around the corner, you'd be fine?

[mwagneto]

loving the implication that I'm a little animal and you're a scientist putting me into various bodies of water to test my corpse:water ratio tolerance

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

villain going to the goon shelter to pick out a new henchman

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

this energetic and diabolical boy was rescued from a goon hoarding situation… he loves pulling levers, gloating, and turning cranks with great abandon. prefers to be the only goon. needs an active lair with plenty of enrichment.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

now this fella comes with some baggage. his previous villain was going to have put down when he refused to perform unsedated human vivisection as a form of torture. one of our agents intercepted the execution and brought him to the goon shelter. would thrive in an environment of G or PG-rated villainry.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

on the other hand, if you’re looking for something a little more… advanced… then this fine lady over here would make a great challenge for an experienced villain able to set firm boundaries. she will NOT be released to first-time villains; proof of prior henchpeople must be demonstrated before adoption approval. high prey drive. under no circumstances should she be left alone with children or small animals. must sign waiver releasing the goon shelter from responsibility if her behavior is deemed excessively depraved.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

These two are pair-bonded and may only be adopted together. Up for anything, they are fiercely loyal to their employer provided their needs are met and they are permitted to hold hands. They look alarmingly similar to one another but it is undeterminable whether they are close blood relatives or lovers who choose to dress and style themselves in identical ways. Habit of finishing each other’s sentences with rhyming couplets; we have not attempted to train this out of them. Will answer to whatever names or titles you give them so long as they are complimentary and/or rhyme.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

Will you help this goon find his forevil lair? He’s been returned to the goon shelter six times now but we refuse to give up on him. A vile little rat of a man, he’d be the perfect accomplice to someone willing to overlook his unfortunate heterosexuality. If gay-coding is not your style and you don’t expect it from a henchman, please consider giving this little guy a good home in your dastardly schemes.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

This guy is not your typical goon. He was rescued from a high-kill shelter after being deemed unfit for henching. His deep baritone voice, his darkly handsome good looks, and his flair for the dramatic have made prospective employers pass over him time and time again, making him the longest resident of the goon shelter. But don’t judge a book by its cover—while his appearance and demeanor suggest “villain”, his real passion is taking orders and faithfully serving a master. If you’re secure in your villainry and not prone to jealousy, he may just be what it takes to turn your base into a lair.

[dinsintegration]

[numbtotherhythm]

in my notifications

[thisurlwasnttakenbutnowitis]

[neechees]

[strangerfandomfiascos]

[airportrunwaymodel]

[c4ps3p]

[ivan-fyodorovich-deactivated202]

high comedy

[displeasedfrog]

[official-penis-posts]

[catbellybuttons]

writing the first half of a fic: yaaaay! wooo!!! 🌈💝 fun ideas 😊💖✨️~

writing the second half of a fic: I am in a fight with god himself and he is winning

[catbellybuttons]

lads is it good when your document starts to look like this:

[thelatestkate]

My favorite drawings from 2025. ♥ What animals should I draw next year?

[unaliver]

I'll unalive you

[hiveswap]

Unaliver it's okay to say kill

[unaliver]

No it's not on account of the spell the nefarious wizarder put on me

[nefariouswizarder]

heh heh heh….

[unaliver]

So it is you, wizarder. After all these years. My greatest nemesiser. Why did you do this to me wizarder

[nefariouswizarder]

unaliver, i simply made you who you are. who you always should have been. i, the wizarder, will wizard and you, the unaliver, will unalive. you could never be anything else

[unaliver]

But the two of us could have been something other than the sum of our parts, wizarder. And yet you choose to curse me, wizarder. Because you are scared of commitmenter

[nefariouswizarder]

maybe we could be something new…if there’a still a chance… i know i’ve done wrong but… i’d unalive to try again… with you, unaliver

[unaliver]

My lover......! ah, but no, i simply cannot trust one who would place a curse on me! I long to be in your arms but I simply cannot while I bear the mark of how we parter.

[nefariouswizarder]

i reverse my nefarious curse, even a nefarious wizard can change his robes…come unaliver, together we can be unalovers…

[unaliver]

Ah! Kill!! Kill!! Death!! It's so good to be able to user the common tongue anew....

Now that I have seen that you are serious about your love, I am willing to try and right our wrongs... For I admit i am not blameless in the matter of our squabble either.

[nefariouswizarder]

as you would say, my lover…

love winners…

[hellsitegenetics]

String identified: ' a a t' a t a t' t acct t t a a t …. t , a. At a t a. gatt . t t a a, a a. aa a . , t a, a a , t a, a. c atg t t t c a tg t ta t at, a. A t c t c , a. ca a ca ctt a c tg … t’a t a cac… ’ g t… ’ a t t aga… t , a ……! a, t , cat tt ac a c ! g t a t cat a t a at. a c, a a a ca cag …c a, tgt ca a… A! !! !! at!! t' g t a t t c tg a…. tat a tat a at , a g t t a gt g… at a t a t att a t. a a, … …

Closest match: Neoneuromus ignobilis isolate Gutianshan chromosome 7 Common name: Dobsonfly

(image source)

[unaliver]

Ough a creaturer

[nefariouswizarder]

nefarious dobsonflier

[unaliver]

Our son.........

[nefariouswizarder]

our beautifuler baby boy….

[intered]

I ate your beautifuler baby boy. Very taster

[nefariouswizarder]

[dragons-locator]

No it's not on account of the spell the nefarious wizarder put on me heh heh heh…. So it is you, wizarder. After all these years. My greatest nemesiser. Why did you do this to me wizarder unaliver, i simply made you who you are. who you always should have been. i, the wizarder, will wizard and you, the unaliver, will unalive. you could never be anything else

dragons

DRAGONS LOCATED

[unaliver]

My son got unalivered by intered and your ass is counting dragons

[silverhawk]

but the good news is:

[companionwolf]

@knifebearer

[ot3]

was about to come over here and post 'what do lawyers need those three extra inches for' then realized that i probably needed to make it clear that im talking about US standard paper sizes

[absurdlogic]

love is stored in the kitty cat

commissions open | info

[ruckuscauser]

I learned today that Scoobert Doo was designed to violate every Great Dane breed standard and I love that

[aromancy]

*ungreats your dane*