pairing: boyfriend!james x femreader
summary: when illness becomes harder to hide and fear convinces you to carry it alone, James refuses to let you suffer in silence.
other notes: chronic illness themes, discussions of declining health, loss of appetite, emotional vulnerability, anxiety, crying, fear of abandonment, heavy angst with a happy ending. (3k) - request!
James had always been observant.
It was one of the innumerable amount of things that you loved about him.
The way he remembered small details nobody else seemed to care about.
The way he noticed when you were cold before you even realized it yourself, already wrapping his hands around yours to rub them together and heat you up.
The way he could be in a room full of people and somehow still notice when you were uncomfortable.
Which was why, lately, you had started becoming afraid of him.
Not because he was doing anything wrong.
But because he was noticing.
And you didn’t want him to.
At first, it was easy to hide.
Everyone loses their appetite sometimes.
That was what you told yourself.
So when James noticed you skipping breakfast, you laughed it off.
“Coffee is basically breakfast.”
He had stared at you over the rim of his mug.
“That is the worst thing you’ve ever said.”
And for a moment, you thought you had convinced him.
But James just smiled softly.
He didn’t believe you, not entirely.
Things that were impossible to explain without admitting something was wrong.
Like how you started sitting down halfway through getting ready because standing for too long made your head spin.
Like how you began taking longer showers because you needed the steam and the quiet when your body felt too heavy.
Like how you started sleeping closer to the edge of the bed because you didn’t want James to notice when you woke up in the middle of the night, fighting for air.
You thought you were being subtle.
But James noticed every single thing.
The first time he found you on the bathroom floor, he didn’t panic.
That was what scared you most.
He was expressive, passionate, impossible to hide from.
He opened the bathroom door.
And went completely still.
Toothbrush stuffed into his mouth, messy hair and a complicated expression that made you feel miserable and scared all at once.
You looked up and immediately smiled.
James crouched down in front of you.
“How long have you been sitting here?”
His eyes moved over your face.
The way you were trying too hard to look normal.
“Dizzy enough that you ended up on the floor?”
He knew something was happening.
But he knew you weren’t ready to tell him.
After that, James changed.
Not in a way you could call him out on.
He started making your favourite meals more often.
Started texting you during breaks at the studio.
Started checking if you had eaten properly every single day.
jjam ❤: What did you have for lunch? ❤️
you: Haven’t eaten yet...
The dots kept appearing and disappearing repeatedly.
jjam ❤: I’m bringing you food.
You really don’t have to baby ❤️🤣
jjam ❤: I know
But I want to ☺️
And that was always his answer.
Because James never did things because he had to.
He did them because he loved you.
The worst part was that James never made you feel like a burden.
You did that all by yourself.
You saw the concern in his eyes.
You saw the exhaustion when he thought you weren’t looking.
You saw him lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling.
And you could only think that you were doing this to him.
And somehow, that only made it worse.
Dinner was where he finally stopped pretending he didn’t notice.
Soft jazz playing somewhere in the living room through the radio.
Deam lights adorning the apartment, giving it that cozy vibe he had always insisted it needed.
You hated that it felt normal.
Because nothing about this felt normal anymore.
James was telling you a story about the studio.
Something about Martin sitting on his guitar by accident or something similar.
You listened, well, pretended to.
You reacted at the right moments.
You were getting good at pretending.
James was staring at your plate.
His eyes lifted to yours.
James was quiet. Just a silent sigh escaped him before he stood up and collected his plate.
You watched him walk to the kitchen to clean up.
For a moment, you thought you had escaped.
Then the sound of running water stopped.
And his footsteps came closer.
And somehow his hands ended up resting on your shoulders as he stood right behind you.
Slowly, you turned around.
James was looking at you.
Like he had been holding something inside for too long.
“I know you’re trying to protect me from something. And I appreciate it.”
“But you’re hurting yourself to do it. So don’t.”
And that was the sentence that broke you.
Not because it was cruel or anything like that.
“I didn’t want you to be scared.”
James’ expression changed instantly.
A tear slipped down your cheek.
“I didn’t want you to look at me differently.”
And James looked like those words physically hurt him.
His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Do you think I only love you when things are easy?”
“I love you when you’re laughing.”
His hand brushed your cheek.
“I love you when you’re annoying.”
A tiny smile appeared through your tears.
“I even love you when you’re stubborn.”
“So I will love you when you’re scared.”
“And I will love you even more when you need me.”
James didn’t have a magical solution.
He couldn’t promise everything would be okay.
He couldn’t erase the fear.
And maybe that was why you believed him.
Because he wasn’t pretending.
But he stayed. He always did.
And that somehow made you feel at ease.
That night, when you woke up again, you expected the usual.
The sound of your heavy breathing trying to be muffled.
The feeling of being alone with your thoughts helplessly.
But this time it was different.
And his hand was already reaching for yours.
Then his expression softened.
“You won’t get rid of me that easy.”
And James closed his eyes for a second, like that sound alone was enough to keep him going.
Then he kissed you. Soft, gentle. Your breath slowing down somehow.
“You don’t have to make yourself smaller so I can handle loving you.”
And for the first time in weeks, you didn’t feel weak.
TAGLIST : @coxrtizz @gohittie @jjellyouss @makiology
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