would you be comfortable sharing your thoughts/feelings on stone identity? i’ve been thinking about it a lot for myself lately and i’d love to hear your thoughts
oh wow! well first off i’m really flattered that you wanted to hear my thoughts on this, i’ve been thinking about it a lot too so hopefully some of this is helpful for you, whether it resonates or not! so -
let’s talk about stone! 💕
‘stone’ is a term used in queer & lgbt+ communities—most commonly wlw and/or lesbian communities, neither of which i’m a part of—to describe one’s sexual interests & boundaries, especially as it pertains to penetration. a lot of people’s stone identities are influenced by trauma and/or dysphoria, but those certainly aren’t prerequisites.
stone butch is used by butches who don’t want to be penetrated, which might also encompass not wanting to be touched in traditional sexual ways depending on the person; stone femme (also known as high femme, which is the common term historically) is used by femmes who don’t want to penetrate a sexual partner, which might also extend to not wanting to touch someone else in traditional sexual ways.
some folks are stone & butch without being a stone butch in the traditional sense & usually describe themselves as stone butch bottoms in contexts where that’s relevant; same for stone femme tops. and i’m sure there are folks out there who identify as stone bottoms or tops without identifying as butch or femme, although i haven’t yet come across anybody writing about that.
the common oversimplification is that stone butches & stone tops “give” and stone femmes & stone bottoms “receive” during sex, whether that’s just applicable to penetration or extends to all types of what’s traditionally conceptualized as sexual touch, depending on the person. there are ways to give & receive sexual pleasure that aren’t limited to normative ideas about sexual touch, though, and “reciprocation” (which is a concept i resist to begin with) can come in the form of vulnerability, of trust, of offering, of other forms of touch, and so much more beyond a 1-to-1 “you did this for me so now i do the same thing for you” exchange.
historically, stone butches would often (but not always) be in & seek out relationships with high femmes, & vice versa, & many stone folks still seek out those kinds of relationships. there’s a lot of really relatable writing about the challenges that sometimes arise when your partners don’t understand or respect your boundaries, as well as the relief of understanding & community between stone butches & high femmes in friendships and/or romantic or sexual relationships with one another. i think those relationships & connections are really vital no matter what kind of sexual partnerships you’re in or seeking. it’s absolutely possible to be in mutually respectful, healthy long-term relationships & flings & friends with benefit situations & whatever other relationship configurations you want with people who aren’t stone, and it’s vital to sometimes be able to discuss your experiences with people who relate.
why is there a separate word for this?
stone is different from describing oneself as a top or bottom in a few ways, in my conceptualization. the most common perspective, from what i can tell, is the strictness of boundaries around penetrative sex; a lot of people who consider themselves tops or bottoms will take an alternate role sometimes depending on their mood, their partner’s desires (in a way that isn’t violating their own boundaries), etc, which is of course totally fine!
and then there’s also a common attitude in some queer/lgbt+ communities that certain types of penetrative sex, like fingering or using a toy on a partner in a way that isn’t penetrating them with a strap, aren’t encompassed within a top/bottom label—which is again fine, there’s nothing wrong or contradictory about, for example, someone being a bottom who enjoys using a dildo on their partners, or someone being a top who enjoys being fingered. but it does mean that for folks who are absolutely not interested in being on the giving or receiving end, respectively, of penetrative sex acts, there’s gotta be a way of communicating that, otherwise people make assumptions that can be at best awkward and at worst really triggering.
having specific language, of course, also makes it easier to describe one’s experiences and find other people who relate. & a lot of the labels i use for myself, i chose specifically because of their long history, which for me amplified that feeling of community & understanding exponentially throughout time—it’s comforting to think of my queer ancestors who’ve used these words before me. the labels i use are a reminder that there have always been people like me, & also a reminder that our language is always changing & always insufficient; at their best, my labels are a nudge to be more compassionate & welcoming towards people who use language i don’t understand.
another difference, from my perspective, is that stone implies a non-normative relationship with sex in ways beyond top/bottom. that’s certainly not something universal or prescriptive, but i & a lot of stone people have broader ideas of what “counts” as sex than society at large, certainly, but also what feels like the majority of gay community, & my affinity with the label is deeply intwined with how my sex life & sexual desires are shaped by disability, trans experience, & trauma. put simply: i don’t fuck or want to fuck like cis straight people, but i also don’t fuck or want to fuck like most gay people, either. having a word that, for me, reflects that reminds me that it’s okay for my desires to be what they are & for me to find joy & pride in that.
for some context on me for anyone unfamiliar, i’m a white, tme, genderqueer, queer, disabled person, & i’m a man but first & foremost a faggot. i’ve identified as trans for 6 and a half years and been gender non-conforming for all of that, & i’ve identified as femme for at least two years? probably longer? which was definitely a long time coming (the delay having to do with a lack of information & experience with the term’s diversity now and throughout history, which is absolutely a different post that others have already done justice to - feel free to check out my femme tag for some great starting points).
in contrast to those labels i have a more relatively established relationship with, stone is, let’s say, a nice jacket i’ve been trying on recently (like, really recently, as in less than two weeks); i really like the way it looks on me + i feel in it, but i’m still a bit nervous about wearing it out - another reason why i welcome the opportunity to talk about it! 💕
an important note on my attitude towards language in general, i don’t think of myself as trying to differentiate and articulate any innate, immutable truth of my gender and sexuality - the words i use have changed over time, my gender & sexuality themselves have changed, & all of these concepts are so much bigger & weirder than the words we’re doing our best to describe our experiences with.
and when it comes to stone, especially as it’s used in a modern context, i find a lot of freedom in knowing this describes my actions & preferences, without the baggage of others’ expectations of a static “born this way” narrative. i’m stone because i choose to be stone, because it works best for me & it’s what’s most comfortable for me, and i use this word because it describes my experiences; if those feelings, comfort, & experiences change, i’ll choose to be something else, & that’s okay.
while i was familiar with the concept before then, the first time i had an “oh shit this might be a word i want to use” moment was when reading Stone Butch Blues for the first time during summer 2020. the exploration of stone identity there really resonated with me, and i promptly shoved that down and didn’t think about it until the next time i read something that hit hard on that level... rinse & repeat until early february 2022 or so, when i read a post talking positively about stone femmes & just started crying, and i guess i was finally in a place to think seriously about it.
i decided i’m almost exclusively t4t and that i don’t want to fuck cis men... which was previously pretty much the only situation where i actively thought about topping someone because i knew i definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with a cis guy topping me (spoiler alert: that’s not the only way to fuck, but it took me a while longer to get there).
i read more queer and/or crip literature about non-normative sex, especially from folks who didn’t have penetrative sex at all due to, for example, cerebral palsy & other disabilities involving spasticity; vaginismus; dysphoria.
this past summer i hooked up with a guy who was exclusively a service top and like. i’m not saying everybody needs to go do that but having sexual interactions with someone who didn’t want me to “reciprocate” in ways traditionally expected made me more comfortable being open about my interests etc that in other circumstances would’ve made me worried about being a “selfish” lover (through no fault of my sexual partners, just, y’know, society).
a lot of (ongoing) work around understanding & unlearning the effects of evangelical purity culture.
this is basically a three-pronged answer of trauma, disability, and disinterest.
trauma: not gonna get super into this here, but if you’re stone or wondering whether you want to use the label i’m happy to talk more with you via dm, but basically the combination of a history of being pressured into things i wasn’t interested in for others’ gratification + an intense irrational fear of perpetrating sexual violence against someone is definitely a factor here.
disability: i have ankylosing spondylitis and suspected fibromyalgia, which means i have constant joint & muscular pain in a lot of places. most relevantly, my finger joints, knuckles, wrists, elbows, and shoulders, along with the muscles of my arms, forearms, and hands, hurt to varying degrees on a daily basis, exacerbated by any level of activity; most days, i couldn’t penetrate someone in any way that involved my hands even if i wanted to. throw in a mobility impairment and foot, calf, knee, and back pain, and it becomes obvious (as it has been to me since i first started thinking about having sex) that me topping someone would be a once in a blue moon activity at best.
disinterest: another thing i’m open to chatting more about via dm with people who are stone or questioning, but basically, after a while of not even considering it could be possible to not want to do certain sex acts, i realized that yes, that was an option, yes, & i just simply didn’t want to.
i’ll end with a quote from Stone Butch Blues that will always be close to my heart: “but what gets it for me is high femme. it’s funny—it doesn’t matter whether it’s women or men—it’s always high femme that pulls me by the waist and makes me sweat.”
if you’re stone or considering identifying as stone, please know that when it comes to sex, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with or uninterested in, & you’re wholly lovely and lovable with all your boundaries intact. 💕
