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YOU ARE THE REASON
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One Nice Bug Per Day

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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@noellcakes
Live from Heinz Hall in Pittsburgh, PA on August 2, 2018 — Hanson String Theory tour. Enjoy the view from my nosebleeds in the Gallery ☺️ Please reblog! PS: long live Bearded Taylor. He can keep that beard forever. Beard + Taylor + guitar = ovary explosion 💥🤯
Today was...
Today was not an easy day.
Today I struggled to find myself feeling happy. I’m not always happy all day every day but I’m always happy for most of the day. But not today.
Today I questioned my decision to be staying at home with Cecilia instead of going back to work. She cried so much today and needed so much from me that I felt overwhelmed and stressed.
Today I felt like I spent twelve hours with the baby attached to my boobs as she fed for only two minutes and then stopped only to cry furiously twenty minutes later to want to eat again.
Today I got barely anything else done because I needed to devote all my time to the tiny six-month-old human who wanted to scream the majority of the day.
Today was not a picture perfect day. It was hard, trying, and borderline miserable.
I feel like an asshole mother for even complaining about my day. I woke up. I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who works his butt off at two jobs so I can spend this time and cherish it with Cecilia as she’s growing. I have so many blessings in my world so why in the world am I whining about my day?
Are all my days spewing forth rays of sunshine, rainbows, glitter, and shiny unicorns? No, absolutely not. Today was just harder than usual.
It was hard on me, it was hard for the baby (the poor thing, I can’t imagine what was going through her little head, why she needed to cry so much), it was hard on Matt because I regretfully took out some of my frustration on him over the phone during his commute home.
And now, in the hours of the evening, as I have the bundle of tears and sobs cuddled against my chest and I’m listening to the rhythmic sounds of her sleep-driven breathing, I question everything I felt today. This moment, this second, will never happen again. This girl will never be the same as she is right now because she changes overnight. I feel like a dick because she frustrated me earlier today. I feel like the worst person on the planet because, for just a few minutes during the day, I resented this precious baby. I knew it would pass. And it did. Even through her tears, there’d be a glimmer of a smile, and that erased every single bad part about the day.
Today was hard, but not impossible. Tomorrow will be a good day.
It was never the plan
It was never the plan to get pregnant with my first child at 34. Hubby and I were married for ten years before this happened. We assumed one of us had "technical difficulties" but we accepted our apparent fate and planned a life of just the two of us.
It was never the plan to have a complicated pregnancy. Gestational diabetes and low fluid levels meant I had four appointments each week toward the end. Throw in breech positioning and that made one stressed out mama-to-be. My husband, God bless him, kept me philosophically and religiously sound by telling me God doesn't give us what we can't handle, He knew I'd be strong enough to accept all these things, that a weaker person would crumble, which was why He chose me for these trials.
It was never the plan to have an emergency C-section. I was 36 weeks along and my water broke. I'd had a non-stress test that morning and the tech mentioned I had one or two contractions but they were so minimal that they barely registered on the machine. After a day of work and trip to the grocery store, my water broke at home. An ultrasound revealed the baby was still breech so a C-section was needed asap to prevent distress.
It was never the plan to be so in love. I read countless books and articles, heard an infinite amount of people tell me the same thing: you never know how much you are capable of loving someone until you have a child. It wasn't that I didn't believe those people, I just wasn't able to fully comprehend this amount of love.
It was never the plan to lose myself. Before Cecilia was born, I considered myself a relatively well organized woman with a strong insight of who I was, my beliefs, my ethics, my integrity. I had a handle on my work-life balance, enjoyed several different hobbies, and there were no questions about how to spend my time. Now is different. "Myself" is not the priority. My beliefs have been altered, my focus has changed, my mind is set. From the time I wake up until the second I close my eyes at night, my baby is my priority.
It was never the plan to stay at home. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd be content to not work. I love my career in ways that are difficult to express. Sure, jokingly, I made comments in the past I wanted to be a stay at home furbaby mom, but I knew I'd go stir crazy. Seeing all the changes my little angel went through in the first few weeks of her life, I knew I wanted to be present for everything. I'd gotten so attached to her, more so than I ever thought possible, my heart would break to do something as selfish as leaving her to go back to work, even if for a few hours each day, even if only part-time. Why selfish? Working means money for luxuries I don't necessarily need. Do I need to have 200 channels on the tv? Do I need to take three vacations a year? Do I need to frivolously spend money on clothes/shoes when I already have two closets jam-packed full? Do I need to go out for dinner more than once or twice a month? The answer to all of these questions is, of course, NO. I'd rather witness all the changes and milestones Cecilia is going to make than buy myself a new shirt, or have too many choices on the tv. These are easy sacrifices I gladly make for my daughter. Bills, yeah, we got ‘em, and we’re spending our money on them instead of ourselves.
It was never the plan to have such a wonderful and supportive husband. Throughout my entire pregnancy and after the birth, he's been my rock, my support, my best friend. He's so hard working and I'm grateful beyond comprehension. From preparing our home, transforming the nursery, helping with cleaning / laundry / dishes, taking care of me post-op / incision care / showering, and now working as much overtime as he can get and every other Saturday, as well as a second job five hours each week to ensure we have the means so I CAN stay home, I really don't know how I got so lucky to call him mine. And he's a doting daddy. My heart bursts when he cuddles our daughter, tells her he loves her, kisses her little forehead, calls her beautiful. How did I get so lucky?
It was never the plan for my life to turn out so wonderful. I always assumed I'd be happy, but never THIS happy. Right now, in the moment of writing this, in the glow of the screen as my fingers brush over the keys to type these words, I know this time is perfect. I'm making sure I appreciate these moments, to absorb Cecilia's growth, to document her changes, to witness her life.
These things were never the plan. This "non plan" U-turn my life has taken ended up being the best thing I never knew I needed or imagined for myself. It's made me realize that plans should never be the plan.
My video of the boys singing Joy to the Mountain. Wow. Those harmonies. Recorded by me at Toronto show #2 Nov 25, 2017.
Freak out
So...
I had a bit of a breakdown today. Nothing to be ashamed of, which is why I'm shining a light on it and seeking for advice.
Some background:
This morning before work, hubby and I were reviewing our plans for the weekend, which may or may not include ripping out the carpet of the nursery to prepare for the bamboo flooring we ordered last week. I said, "before we can rip out the carpet, X, Y, and Z needs to happen first," and I rattled off a few things that take priority over the carpet.
One: rearranging some furniture to empty out the nursery. It's been the spare bedroom for forever. We're keeping the dressers (family heirlooms that belonged to my great grandmother) but are not going to use them for the baby, so we plan on moving them into our bedroom, but before we do that, we need to make room for them.
I was all amped to dig into this project this morning, but the day job beckoned and I had to go to work. By the time I came home, all ambition was nowhere to be found and I was tired and the only thing on my mind was a nap. As I curled myself under the blanket of my bed, and my kitty nested herself beside me, I mentally told myself that I'd give myself an hour and then it was crunch time.
My mammoth of a dog joined the nap party in the bedroom, only she didn't get the memo that it was sleepy time and decided to lick her paws instead as she laid on her bed on the floor beside my bed. If you don't have a giant dog, let me describe this sound for you. Her massive tongue sounds like the snapping of a wet towel as she licked her paws (or wherever else she might have been licking). It was loud and obnoxious and interrupted the sweet ten minutes of sleep I'd experienced. Frustrated and upset, I yelled at her to stop. She did, for about five seconds, and then started again. Irrationally pissed off, I yelled at my poor dog again to the point where my throat ached.
Realizing my nap opportunity was over, I stomped out of bed and stared at the task in front of me. An old scrapbooking table, a pile of clothes that needed to be put away, some duffle bags that need to find a new home in a closet somewhere, another pile of clothes that should have been shoved in a hamper, two sets of rubbermaid plastic drawers that hubby and I use for our socks/underwear/other unmentionables...all of this shit needed to be put away/cleaned up/thrown out/something done with.
And it hit me. This is happening. And then I felt her. Wiggling around inside me. Kicking or jumping or cartwheeling or punching or whatever it is that she does approximately twenty hours a day. She's in there. My baby is inside me, growing and getting closer and closer to being HERE instead of "in there."
And it was such an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread and unease and panic.
Looking around my bedroom and SEEING all the crap that needs to be done, thinking about all the stuff still needs to be done, imagining all the items that still need to be bought, assembled, and set up...it was a huge smack in the face that could only come out as gasping sobs and tears.
Uncontrolled alligator tears spilled over my eyelids and landed in puddles against my Western Michigan hoodie and my animals looked at me as if I were crazy. This lasted a solid ten minutes as I wandered aimlessly from room to room in my house, taking mental notes of everything I hated and wanted to throw away or burn.
Can I do this? Can I be a mother? Can I handle it? Can this be possible?
For the longest time, I never thought this would be happening. My visions of having a family dwindled a little bit every year as I never became pregnant, until it got to the point where I accepted my fate and learned to be happy with the idea of it just being hubby and me for the rest of our lives, furbabies to enhance it, of course. And then the unthinkable happened--hey, I'm pregnant. Sometimes I still can't believe it. It still feels like a dream that I'll awake from and be back in Mexico (where the "night in question" happened) and the last six and a half months have all been in my head.
But this is real life and I know it's actually happening. This isn't a dream. I AM pregnant. This little girl is dependent on me for everything right now and will continue to be dependent on me for a long time. But can I give her what she needs? This question is haunting me tonight as I write this out--can I physically, mentally, emotionally give her what she needs to thrive? Can I bust outside of my own head and fear and take enough action to get the house ready for her? Will I find the discipline to force myself into submission and complete the tasks that need to be completed?
I feel like I'm at war with myself sometimes. I know what needs to be done, but I can't seem to find the energy to do it. The reason is there--this little girls needs a nursery, she needs a clean house, she needs ME to hold my shit together. Even as I write this, I'm also thinking about the seventeen thousand other things I could be doing right now instead, but I'm not and I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself.
I know I still have some time. I know things will get done. I know everything will fall into place. I know I'm not alone. I know, I know, I know all these things but knowing doesn't help settle an uneased mind.
Seriously considering throwing away everything I own.
Any advice to get through the panics?
Just wanted to say hi Noel it's uncle Lou if you remember me
Yep, I remember!
Agggggrh
So, I know no one will probably read this. I’m basically just writing this as a therapeutic way for me to vent and calm down. But, what the hell, right? If I’m going to spend the time and effort to write this, and the off-chance that someone might actually read it and relate to it then I guess it’s not one hundred percent time lost.
Okay. Deep breath.
I don’t feel right.
There. I said it.
I’m pregnant and nothing is the same. Nothing is ever going to be the same again.
I’m waiting to feel that wonderful euphoria that some women talk about. I’m waiting to feel the glow. I’m waiting to feel all of it.
My mind has changed. I don’t think the same way anymore. My temper is more hot headed. My fuse is so short. And my bullshit tolerance, on a scale of 1 to 10, is a negative 37. I’m just not myself anymore and it’s killing me…killing me!
I have no control over anything my body is going through. No control! That fact alone is driving me crazy. It’s all changing. Things are shifting, expanding, growing…and I know it’s all natural and supposed to be happening. It’s more than the physical changes that I can actually see with my eyes. There are changes internally of which I have no control that I really hate. Like the gestational diabetes, and everything else that goes along with it.
Nothing makes sense. I can eat so well, lots of veggies, proteins, low-sugars/carbs–and then I test myself, the numbers range all over the place, there’s not really a consistent method to the madness. I’m sick of the mental calculations, the adding, the figuring out of the carbs and sugars and fibers and proteins. It’s nearly incapacitating, taking up so much of my concentration and energy.
Calling the insurance company to make sure the next procedure is covered by my policy, wait–is that medication included in my prescription plan?–scheduling appointments, keeping track of dates…all of these things while I’m constantly worrying about my growing baby getting or not getting the right nutrition because my body is lazy and selfish and who knows if she’s even growing normally?
I’ve lost weight throughout this pregnancy. No, not at first. At first I gained an easy ten pounds because I was a slug and munched on anything and everything. But then the diabetes came along and fifteen pounds melted off and have stayed off. I now weigh five pounds less than before I got pregnant and I’ve been holding steady at this new, lower weight, even with the slowly growing bump. Thus my concern for the little bump–is she okay? How do I know? Like really know?
I’m trying to take everything in stride. Live each day as it comes. But there are times when I feel like this is a curse. Times when I feel like crying over nothing. Times when I hate being pregnant. And I feel like the most selfish, horrible, ungrateful woman on the planet. I don’t want to feel this way. I’ve waited so long for this! Why can’t I just STFU and enjoy it?! I don’t have the answers. I just wish I felt more connected to everything that’s happening to me, inside me.
All days aren’t bad. But today was. And it sucked.
Because #life. Because #necessary. Because #zen. Because hubs scrubbed the bathtub for me ❤️ #helovesme
Insert eye roll here
Have one of those “friends” on facebook that only posts drama? Or sometimes not even a friend, but an aquaintance that you don’t really want to un-friend because her drama isn’t really drama, it’s simply self-induced woe-is-me-ness, and also so un-friggin-believable that you can’t help but have this reaction every single time her name appears in your feed?
Or is it just me???
#HappyMothersDay to my beautiful mama. We enjoyed a lovely tea at #thevictorianlady today with scones, homemade potato soup, finger sandwiches, and desserts. 💜🌸🌼
Lemonade
Want to hear a funny story?
I was supposed to go to Orlando this weekend. Husbands college roommate lives there. We planned for a long weekend, flying out Friday evening, arriving super late, and be there until Tuesday.
Arrangements were made with one of my lovely book friends to meet up and she and I were going to, first and foremost, finally meet (!!!), and then spend the day at Universal, enjoying all of the nerdiness that is associated with fangirling over Harry Potter, comic book heros, The Simpsons, and Minions. For the rest of the weekend, we would chill at Roomates apartment complex pool and trek to a beach for a day, and then, reluctantly, return to Pennsylvania late Tuesday night.
My story starts Thursday night. 8:09pm to be exact. We went on Delta Airlines website to check in and print our boarding passes. Something looked odd. There were no seat assignments on our boarding passes. Wtf? “Seats will be assigned at the gate or when you check your luggage.” Since we weren’t planning on checking any bags, we felt blindsided. We travel quite frequently and this was the first time we’d never had a seat assignment.
Phone call to customer service (on hold for over 40 minutes, somuchfun!) informed us that we were on a standby list. Uh, what the what??? How does this happen? How did our normal ticket transform into a standby ticket? The lady informed me that we bought “economy basic fare” which essentially translates to “lower than the cargo area” as far as priority level is concerned, and that the airlines continue to sell tickets at full “market value.” So, the people that paid more money for their tickets got to choose all of the seats on the plane, even though I bought my tickets from the Delta website in March.
Memory is a fickle thing, but I really don’t remember the website offering any explanation or warning about the plane tickets being low grade, you’ll be bumped to standby, and we’ll treat you like worthless garbage guarantees. Which, you know, would’ve been nice.
By the end of the call, the lady pretty much assured me that we were removed from the standby list and would be issued a ticket immediately upon our arrival at the airport at the gate. She wouldn’t even let me upgrade to comfort cabin or first class! I guess Delta didn’t want my money.
Husband got out of work early, and we made it to the airport by 4:00 for the 8:09pm flight. No bags to check, so we went straight through security and to the gate. The guy working at the gate looked frazzled, the waiting area at the gate was packed (apparently, it was the permenant gate for all Delta flights going to Atlanta, which was where we’d have a short layover). The flight before ours was still there and delayed. People were worried about missing connections.
I talked with the guy at the gate, explained our story, and I optimistically asked if we’d be able to bump onto the 6:30 flight since we were there earlier than expected. He laughed at me, saying the earlier flight was overbooked and delayed, there was no way we’d be getting on the earlier flight.
Long shot, I knew. So then I asked if we could get our seats assigned for our flight. He looked at our tickets and winced–actually winced! “Today has been crazy;” he said, his voice offering no reassurance, “let me get these people put of here before we even think about your flight, okay?”
This immediately angered my husband. He stalked away, tossing his bag into a chair and he went for a walk to cool down. A little while later, our flight was posted as a delay. And then another delay. And then another delay. The third delay had us arriving in Atlanta just a few minutes before our connecting flight would take off, which is impossible in Atlanta… The reason for the delays? A mechanical malfunction on the plane that was flying into Pittsburgh that would be our plane to Atlanta. Workers received word that they needed to completely change planes, unload/reload cargo and passengers. Another delay was not posted but would be coming, so we were going to miss our connecting flight.
Email ding on my phone; from Delta. “Sorry to inconvenience you, but your flight arrangements must be changed; please look at this list of options for tomorrow.” None of the options for flying Saturday got us into Orlando before 4pm…if we’d even get seats in the plane because of our apparent “stand by” status.
Because of this delay and needing to reschedule a flight, my plans for Saturday were ruined with Book Friend, and we’d only have Sunday and Monday there. Husband was on the phone with Roommate, asking him what we should do, just reschedule for another time or still go?
As I waited in line to speak with Delta rep about rescheduling our flight (and the line was long and moving incredibly slow), Husband approached me with sheer excitement in his eyes. “Want to say screw you to Delta, get a refund from them, and just go to Cancun instead? We can get on tomorrow mornings flight. We’d land at 10:30am.”
Why the hell not?
So, I ended up in Cancun this weekend instead of Orlando. Bummed that I didn’t get to meet Book Friend, and she didn’t have a passport to be able to join us. Husband and I both called our work to ask for an extra day off, because of the hoopla and basically lost a day anyway–request granted. Roommate was able to book a flight from Orlando to Cancun, we arrived at the airport at basically the same time. Called up our vacation club to make reservations at one of their newest hotels (Dreams Playa Mujeres, which was totally phenomenal!), got a special “three in a room” rate, and it was all arranged.
Spontaneous? Yes. A little crazy? Very. Worth it? You betcha.
The stress and anguish and frustration from Friday seemed to melt away Saturday AM as we drove back to the airport at 3:45am. And by 10:30, what stress? We were in a wonderful paradise.
So while this weekend didn’t exactly turn out as planned, our weekend was far from ruined. We were handed some pretty sour lemons. But that’s life, right? It all depends on what you do with those lemons. Sure, we could’ve sucked on that sourness until we cried, griped about how our plans were ruined and that we hated flight delays and everything they stood for. Instead, we turned those lemons into some of the sweetest lemonade on the planet and ended up having one of the best unexpected weekends I can remember.
Don’t wait for the storm to pass–adjust your sails.
I knew I gave myself a manicure for a reason. #Lastminute #travel rearrangements due to #flightdelays and #cancellations last night to Orlando. #Cancun, see you in 4 hours 💜
#Because #vacationmode
#Because #vacationmode
Watching the game on the screened in porch! #LGP #LetsGoPens #PittsburghPenguins 🏒
#babysitting #niece #ariajanet #LGP