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Comedian Louis CK Blows Wad Trying to Fix a Sticky Situation with “Horace and Pete”

Celebrated comedian Louis CK has begun to see his dreams of a media empire crumble today with the revelation that his self-financed sitcom, “Horace & Pete” has left him millions of dollars in debt. Hollywood insiders have begun to dig into the situation and have found that CK’s problems go far beyond “Horace & Pete’s” limited viewership. “Louis has spent millions to digitally remove semen stains that appear in every scene CK appears in, “ says an anonymous source. “Every article of clothing has at least one dried patch of jizz on it. He’s also got it on his goatee as well.” The comedian has contracted special effects houses Industrial Light and Magic and even New Zealand’s Weta Workshop, but citing current projects, they could only provide “Horace & Pete” with a light “de-jizzing”. CK has resorted to personally removing the stains himself with a pirated copy of Adobe After Effects. CK has discussed his self-pleasuring habits in his standup routines for years, but this is the first time his results have affected his television work. “Things are going slowly,” says a source close to CK. “He’s hoping that he can lighten them enough, so people think it’s soup. It looks a little better now, but it still looks like cum to me.” Louis CK declined to be interviewed for this article

#louis ck #horace and pete

Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s “Cold Case Posse” Investigates Seinfeld Finale Trial in True Detective Season Two

The much beloved “show about nothing” is being brought back to the forefront next year via the second season of HBO’s, critically acclaimed television program, “True Detective” starring Maricopa County, Arizona Sherriff, Joe Arpaio and his “Cold Case Posse” (Jon Voight, Robert Davi & Kevin Sorbo)

“It may have been a ‘show about nothing’, but look at the evidence. LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE! They basically got away with murder for nine seasons, and got a paltry slap on the wrist for their crimes,” says Arpaio. “Honestly, the ‘trial’ they had during the final episode of the series was a travesty of justice. We’re going back to the beginning and show people that those uppity city folk deserve the noose more than golden globes.”

Producers say the second season of “True Detective” will be a mixture of real footage and dramatic reenactments of pivotal scenes from “Seinfeld” with Arpaio & Posse offering commentary.

“True Detective Season Two” airs in the fall of 2014 on HBO.

#true detective

It's the spiritual successor to 'Jaws'.

First Image Released from Kelsey Grammer "Bork" Biopic

Recently-deceased conservative legal scholar Robert Bork will live on in a 6 hour miniseries produced and starring Kelsey Grammer for Grammer's own "RightNetwork Films" studio.

"He was simply the best, better than all the rest. It was my honor to play him," says Grammer.

#Robert Bork #Kelsey Grammer #Gossip

Beleaguered R&B Star’s First Podcast Recorded Without Incident

Chris Brown recorded the first episode of his new podcast, “The Chris Brown Podcast” yesterday in his new home podcast studio, dubbed, “The Pod-Zone”.

“Everything went smoothly, aside from some audio quality issues that Chris hopes to fix before the next episode,” says Dan Hopler, Brown’s podcasting representative.

Reportedly, Brown’s podcast went on for about an hour and covered topics such as: “Old school hip-hop, cereal, and the Star Wars prequels.” Brown also hopes to cover topics such as: “microbrews, He-Man cartoons, and Seinfeld” in subsequent episodes.

“Chris is jumping into this new venture whole-heartedly. He loves podcasting.”

Brown loves podcasting so much that he is reportedly having his recent “sugar skull” tattoo re-done, in order to make it look like a “Snowball Podcast Mic by Blue”

When asked about the chance that any of Brown’s celebrity friends, such as Rihanna, might stop by for an episode of “The Chris Brown Podcast”, Hopler demurred.

“Chris really wants to do the first few episodes solo, to work out the bugs, before he has any guests on. He just has the one microphone right now. He really would like to be able to patch in Skype calls, but he needs to buy some cables first.”

The “Chris Brown Podcast” will be available on ITunes and Stitcher this Thursday.

#chris brown #rihanna #podcast

Adult Video Leader “Plays Possum” with New Line of Christmas Movies

The adult film industry was sent reeling last month with the passage of “Measure B” in Los Angeles County. “Measure B” requires male performers in adult films to wear condoms during the production of pornographic films.

“You know how much rubbers cost now? I swear it would be cheaper to just make each guy wear a gallon of gas around his ding-dong,” Says Joey ‘2short’ Reed, a spokesman for adult industry giant, Vivid Video. “We can’t afford to move our whole operation to another county. We had to reinvent ourselves. Thanks, Obama.”

This “reinvention” involves the launching of a new line of “Non-Sexy, Kid-friendly Videos”, starting with “Christmas Friends” a Christmas film in the vein of Disney’s “Buddies” movies under their “Vivid Kids” imprint.

“Christmas Friends” is the story of the “Possum Pals”, a group of possums who help Mrs. Santa Claus (played by Snowy Mountains, in her first non-sexual role) save Christmas when Santa and his elves fall ill with hepatitis.

“We were able to save money by reusing the sets from, “Candy Cane Sluts #15”. Also, everybody who works on one of our movies has had all their shots; so working with a wild possum is no big deal.”

Where did Vivid find their adorable “Possum Pals”?

“We found them where we find most of our talent – at the bus station. These four little guys were beside a dumpster, fighting over a Del Taco bag with half a ‘Grande Scrambler’ in it. These kids have got the fire in their belly to be stars. We named them after their personalities, “Crosseye”, “Crosseye II”, “Hissy” and “Bitey”

Any plans for more “Possum Pal” adventures?

“We filmed ‘Christmas Friends’ 2,3, and 4 last weekend. We’re going to have recast before any additional sequels. ‘Crosseye II’ killed ‘Crosseye’, ‘Bitey’ bit someone, and ‘Hissy’ has defected to another company. “

“Christmas Friends” will be available on ‘Vivid On Demand’ on January 5th.

#possum #christmas #measure b

Non Stop Gossip Non Stop Presents: Movie Trivials

On Golden Pond (1981)

Van Halen singer David Lee Roth was originally cast as “Chip Thayer” the estranged son of Norman Thayer (Henry Fonda) and Ethel Thayer (Katherine Hepburn). Several of his scenes were filmed, but Roth was removed from the production after accidently striking Henry Fonda with a “judo kick” while ‘warming up’ before a scene.

He was also cautioned several times by producers for giving Thai Stick to fourteen-year-old co-star Doug McKeon.

Producers considered replacing Roth with punk rock singer, Lee Ving, before dropping the character “Chip” from the film completely.

#David Lee Roth #On Golden Pond #Thai Stick

Looking to start the holiday season right? Dr. Bill Cosby returns to his most memorable role, Cliff Huxtable for one night only.

(Thanks to Owen Straw)

#Fiscal Cliff

New NSGNS Feature: Before They Were Famous!

Some Friday Fun. Click each pic to see your favorite stars before they hit the big time!

Even New Jersey's "The Boss" started small!

This Barbadian Beauty developed nicely if you ask us (Please don't kill us, Chris Brown)

It's looks like Paul Giamatti was preferring milk to Merlot in this early pic.

#Springsteen #Giamatti #Rihanna #Gossip

Beloved Children’s Television Star Issues Grave Warning to “Wicked Workshopers”

From Mitt Romney’s pledge to “fire” Big Bird, to Elmo puppeteer, Kevin Clash’s sudden resignation from the Children’s Television Workshop amid allegations of sexual misconduct, Sesame Street has been in the news a lot this year. Now it’s the Muppets themselves speaking out in the form of a manifesto written by longtime Sesame Street denizen, Grover. Grover’s twenty thousand-word screed blasts the management for letting “the sour seedling of wickedness creep into the workshop, causing it to become a haven of sodomy and gomorrahy” Anonymous sources within Children’s Television Workshop have reported to NSGNS that Grover has recently become a Born-Again Christian and has been pressuring the workshop to create a more “Christ-centric” show. Grover has even gone as far to issue a ultimatum to CTW, demanding workers take a “Castration Pledge”, where employees agree to chemically castrate themselves in order to “banish all carnality” from the show. So far, no one has taken the pledge, and Grover has yet to return to the workshop for post-Thanksgiving holiday filming. NSGNS reached out to Grover to ask about his “castration pledge” and received this email from Grover. Dear Brother or Sister in Christ, Thank you for your interest in “Grover’s Castration Pledge”. Admittedly, it’s an extreme act, but when I look at the slow decline of Children’s Television Workshop into the slime of sin, I realized that extreme acts are needed. The tidal wave of unbridled carnality is threatening to wipe out the good work done at CTW. CTW has become a haven of fornication and a playground for wicked homosexuality. As a Christian, I have a duty to point out sinful corruption where I see it—AND IT SEE IT AT CTW. “Grover’s Castration Pledge” (see Galatians 5:12) is essential for me to continue to work on Sesame Street. I hope that you will join me on this journey. Live through Christ, Grover Editor’s Note: Before this story went to press, NSGNS received a report that Grover has returned to “Sesame Street’ and calls his previous statements about Children’s Television Workshop a “misunderstanding” and called his work on the show a “blessing”

#CTW #Sesame Steet #Angus T Jones #Grover Norquist

BREAKING: Copy of Mitt Romney’s Victory Speech Found in Trashcan

Non Stop Gossip Non Stop has received what is purported to be a copy of Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney’s unused victory speech. An unnamed source claims to have found it in a trashcan outside the Boston Convention & Exhibition Center in Boston, Massachusetts last night. My fellow Americans, I have just received a phone call from President Obama congratulating me in running a perfect presidential campaign and conceding that I am the President-Elect of the United States. {PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE, SCAN CROWD FOR A NEGRO, MAKE EYE CONTACT W/ NEGRO, SMILE AT NEGRO. BREAK EYE CONTACT W/NEGRO} Thank you for this great honor. I would like to thank all my supporters and especially my wife, Ann, who was the best choice I ever made. The second best choice I ever made-sorry kids, you’re not a choice, you’re a child-- {PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER} -- was picking Paul Ryan. Come on out, Paul and show these people what a Vice-President looks like. Isn’t he a handsome fella? How much did you bench today Paul? {WAIT FOR ANSWER, SMILE, APPLAUD, SCAN CROWD FOR WOMAN, MAKE EYE-CONTACT W/ WOMAN, BREAK EYE CONTACT W/ WOMAN. SMILE} You know that I am a man who doesn’t like to rest on his laurels. This country was crying for real leadership and the choice has been made. I know that people have been chomping at the bit to see what my plans for this great country is and now is the time for me to reveal them. The President Mitt Romney Five-Point Plan for Getting America Back on Track™ as follows 1. Poor people cost rich people money. That is a scientific fact. The less poor people we have, the more money for hard working Americans. 2. Killing people is bad. We are all Americans. 3. If there was way to reduce poor people without killing them, there would be more money for rich people and also room for a middle class 4. We will combine our poor people into an “American Prosperity Chain”. This involves sewing at least three poor people together via their poo-poo holes and their mouths. This is going to uncomfortable for some people, but I know America can do this. 5. “American Prosperity Chains” will reduce America’s poor by at the very least 66%. That’s good business sense. Let’s do this. Together we will succeed. God bless you and may God Bless the United States of America {SMILE, WAVE}

#Mitt Romney #Paul Ryan #Obama2012

Still SMOOOOOOOOKIN’: Dorff Goes “Blu” for MASK Reboot

Child actor / tastemaker / all-around cool dude, Stephen Dorff has signed on for a reboot of “The Mask” movie franchise. Dorff will play the titular character popularized by Jim Carrey in a 1994 film adaption of the Dark Horse comic book. A poorly received sequel, “Son of Mask”, starring Jamie Kennedy, followed in 2005. “We’re throwing out all the comic book bullshit,” says producer Stuart Pitts “In fact, I have for forbade anyone in the production to watch the previous films. This is a clean slate production. A total reboot. We are rebuilding this franchise from the ground up. Fuck Jim Carrey.” Production photos with Dorff sporting a deep blue mask, quite different from the original movie’s green color, leaked onto the Internet last week. “One of the film’s investors is BLU E-Cigs. They are a great company and a great product. We are super pleased to be working with them. Stephen is already a spokesmodel for Blu. The synergy is perfect,” says Pitts “I play, Stanley Ipchress, a Washington lobbyist for the tobacco industry. He loves his job, but he just isn’t cool. One morning, he finds a pack of Blu E-Cigs on his doorstep, and when he takes a puff, it turns him into a massive party animal with instant sex-appeal, bright blue skin and a lust for life,” says Stephen Dorff. “I’m approaching this role as a twenty-year smoker and a recent convert to E-Cigs. This Mask isn’t greasy kid stuff. He’s an adult who makes adult choices about how he recreates.” Aren’t producers worried about sending underage viewers a message that smoking is “cool”? “Well, smoking is cool. I don’t think that’s in question. Blu E-Cigs have all the cool trappings that kids love--USB ports, LEDs, vapors, and fruit flavors. It’s my hope that kids will get hooked on E-Cigs and not dangerous things like cigars and mouth tobacco,” says Pitts. “The Mask” is slated for release May 2013. A special “Mask Flavor Cartridge” will be released to commemorate.

#Eletronic Cigarette #The Mask #Dorrf

ELECTION SHOCKER: ROMNEY SWAPS OUT RYAN, ADDS A “HAMM-BONE’

In what many political analysts are calling a “Hail Mary Pass” amongst a series of public gaffes, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has jettisoned his running mate, Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, for ‘Mad Men’ actor Jon Hamm’s bulge. “This is not an act of desperation, this is me making the kind of difficult management decisions that I will make as your president. Jon Hamm’s Bulge is a better fit for this campaign. I spoke with Representative Ryan, he agreed and graciously stepped aside for the benefit of the Republican Party,” says Romney. “We had to find way to appeal to women across the board,” says an unnamed worker, placed deep in the Romney campaign. “ This campaign was doomed unless we did something drastic. Paul Ryan is hunky, but he’s no Jon Hamm’s Bulge.” How is Jon Hamm’s Bulge going to fare in the upcoming Vice-Presidential debates? “Please. Even standing next to Jon Hamm’s Bulge, Joe Biden is still going to look like the bigger dickhead. We can’t lose.”

#bulge #romney #Paul Ryan #gossip

EXCLUSIVE! Author Claims Star Wars Creator is Elusive Zodiac Killer in New Book

One man created one of the most beloved movie series of all time. Another man murdered five people and claimed to have murdered dozens more. One man revolutionized filmmaking in the 1970s. Another man terrorized the people of San Francisco with threats sent in code to Bay Area newspapers during the 1970s. What if they were same person? According to author Leonard Spitz, he is and that man is filmmaker George Lucas. That’s the theory presented by Spitz in a new book about the Zodiac murders. In “Star-Killer: Why I Think George Lucas is the Zodiac”, Spitz posits that George Lucas, a young, troubled, recent film school graduate who is rejected for military service because of diabetes, turns his anger and shame into murderous rage. Spitz says from 1968-1969 George Lucas preyed on men and women throughout the Bay Area in the guise of Zodiac as a way to express his frustration about his fledgling filmmaking career. “It’s important to notice that the Zodiac killings stopped around the time George Lucas began to develop his first film, ‘THX-1138’,” says Spitz. That’s not to say that his taunting came to an end with his cinematic successes. Spitz feels that along with several letters that Zodiac sent to newspapers throughout the 70’s, Lucas inserted clues to his real identity in the “Star Wars” films. “If you look at the original poster for Star Wars, the focal point of the poster is the crosshatch of energy emanating from Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, which looks surprising like the Zodiac’s symbol,” says Spitz

Is Luke Skywalker’s Lightsaber a clue to Lucas’s true identity?

He claims that Lucas even inserted clues into the names of characters in the Star Wars saga. “It’s well known Hollywood folklore that the character Luke Skywalker was originally called Luke Starkiller. Stars=Zodiac + Killer = Zodiac Killer. I mean it’s blatant. It’s probably why he changed it at the last minute. The Death Star? Star Destroyers? Tie Fighters? He TIED up two of his victims before stabbing them at Lake Berryessa.” Spitz claims the Zodiac even influenced Star Wars character designs.

An early version of the ‘Dark Lord of the Sith”?

“If you look at Robert Greysmith’s famous sketch of the Zodiac, it’s hard not to see the prototype of Darth Vader standing right in front of you. It’s chilling. Spitz says that Lucas continues to mock his pursuers to this day. “The whole point of the 1997 ‘Special Editions’ was an excuse for Lucas to insert more clues of his true identity.”

Is the ‘Aurebesh’ text inserted in the 1997 ‘Special Editions’ another Zodiac Cypher?

What is the author’s theory regarding the Star Wars Prequels? “Pure malice. Can anyone watch those movies and not think that Lucas was being intentionally cruel? He’s moved on to larger game, he’s not interested in killing people outright. He’s murdering childhoods now. There are hundreds of clues in the entire Star Wars saga. I list every single one in my book. Spitz’s self-published twelve hundred-page book sports an introduction by filmmaker, Kevin Smith. NSGNS contacted Lucasfilm for a statement regarding Spitz’s book, but received no response. Leonard Spitz will be selling signed copies of “Star-Killer" from his van on the outskirts of the parking lot of the Costco in Yorba Linda, California all week. Look for the R2-D2 shaped barbeque grill.

#star wars #episode 7 #the force awakens #zodiac

You’ve Sunk All Our Battleships: Studios Rush to Stem Hemorrhaging after “Battleship” Blunder

It’s seems that the movie “Battleship” couldn’t beat the inertia of the Marvel Studios, blockbuster, “The Avengers” and had to settle for second place this weekend with a paltry 25 million dollar take at the box office. “This is a complete disaster, we’ve had to put our entire 2013 summer slate on hold,” says an executive at Universal, who asked to remain anonymous. “We were sure that board game movies were going to be the next big thing. How could we have been so wrong? Heads are rolling at Universal. The other studios better wake up and take notice, we’re fuuuuuuucked” Other studios have taken notice and immediately revaluated next year’s releases. Here’s some the board game-related movies rumored to be on the chopping block. Many of the films are either currently filming, or in post-production. “Stratego”, (20th Century Fox) described as a “period piece set during the Napoleonic Wars”. Starring, Anthony Hopkins, Ron Pearlman and Shannyn Sossamonn. Directed by Tony Scott. “Sorry”(Paramount). An unfaithful husband (Matt Damon) finds out he has terminal cancer and tries to reconcile with his estranged wife (Robin Wright-Penn) before he dies. Directed by Barbara Streisand. Screenplay by Joan Didion “Ouija” (Sony) a supernatural thriller, set in a New England private school in the 1970s. Written, directed and starring Kevin Costner “Hangman”(Disney), a steampunk western, starring Gerald Butler and Jason Statham. Directed by Luc Besson. “Jenga”(Warner). Described as a “secret history of the building of the first pyramids”. Directed by Renny Harlin, starring Taylor Lautner and Vanessa Hudgens “Perfection” (Weinstein Co) The city of San Francisco will by destroyed by a series of catastrophic earthquakes unless a scientist can stop it in 48 hours. Directed by Simon West. Starring Nicholas Cage and Diane Lane. “Operation” (Universal) A gifted surgeon (Shia LeBeouf) is abducted by a North Korean dictator and forced to perform major surgery on the dictator’s seriously ill daughter. If he fails, he will be electrocuted. Directed by Paul Verhoven. Script orders for “The Settlers of Catan”, “Monopoly” and “Checkers: The Movie” have also been cancelled.

Dyspepsia Assemble! Iron Man's Dinner Recommend Goes Sour for Movie Fan

It seems that shawarma-fever has struck in the US, thanks to the blockbuster film, “The Avengers”. It seems another kind of fever has struck a fan of the film—the fever of FOOD POISONING! “After the movie ended, I asked Siri to find me and my wife a shawarma place. We loved ‘The Avengers’ so much; we didn’t want the experience to end. We found a gas station on the way home that also served shwarma. Now, it’s been two weeks and we still have the shits,” says Brock Steward. “How could Robert Downey Jr. do this to us?” Mr. Steward is planning on suing Marvel Studios, Joss Whedon and Robert Downey Jr. for unspecified damages. “I’ve made some calls to attorneys, but I can’t be away from a toilet long enough to meet with them.”

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