The bad place

♀️ 32 🌈 Secondary blog where I try to sort out the parts of myself that are damaged. Recovery, SA & CM trauma, SH and other stuff

[notcool-beans]

one of the reasons I struggle to open up, is because it always feels off. Why should I always be the vulnerable one?

[notcool-beans]

I am still surprised she just blocked me. I regret opening up now.

[notcool-beans]

I wonder if i can ask AI to use my selfies and show me what it would look like if I shot myself. Or maybe a nice picture of me in the tub bleeding out. I wonder how peaceful would it be.

[cicekligokyuzu]

[notcool-beans]

My bad thoughts love ruining a good time.

At least my Pikachu is here to hold. Artificial comfort that is tangible and reliable.

I hope I don't fucking wake up.

[dreamgirlvibes]

[notcool-beans]

Effort. Creation. Safety.

But that's impossible, therefore, no one will make me happy.

My heart is heavy. I pulled back realizing I am getting comfortable. It will just lead to disappointment if i get comfortable or allow myself more connection or comfort. I have to remind myself that I am not worth much to others. I feel myself growing cold this year again. Smile on my face as I watch my heart get torn.

I long for effort. I want someone to do for me out of love and care. I long for creation. I want someone to build with me and make me things as a way to show love. I long for safety. I want someone who won’t scare me or make me feel confused about reality.

I give up though.

I will never be perfect enough to be chosen. I will never be worth the effort. I will always be the one letting go.

I am just a good fuck.

I hope my heart never opens up for anyone again.

[notcool-beans]

Remembering the time I got home after being sexually assaulted and her first reaction while I sobbed on the phone and told her was, "so you fucking cheated on me".

To this day she hates when I bring it up but it hurts. 15 years later and it still never healed

[notcool-beans]

I have to remind myself that my apathy is a symptom of the neglect and harm I endured. It's to protect myself when my words are twisted and my sense of reality is attacked.

Things can change but for how long? I was able to do things and have autonomy for a few months until she took it all back under the guise of "safety" and "concern". I went back to walking on eggshells because the silent treatment was not so silent but still laced with anger. The constant texts and phone calls demanding to know where I was because I was gone for more than 30 minutes, resumed. That was despite me saying I was going to have my alone time.

Apathy keeps me sane though. I still remember the withholding of affection as a punishment. I remember the begging for intimacy, both sexual and non sexual. I remember her calling my interests boring and getting in trouble for being on the phone if I didn't enjoy her stuff. I remember her not wanting to fuck until I lost weight but also accusing me of cheating even though I was faithful. I remember begging to be loved and being afraid. The amount of self soothing i did just to sleep still makes me cry.

Apathy is why I no longer cry myself to sleep hoping I die. As much as I hate faking every "I love you" and complying like a good wife, i have to play along so I am not financially ruined.

Never pay for everything so they can "save money for emergencies". It's a fucking trap.

[amithsyt-deactivated20260523]

i don’t even argue anymore. if you think i’m the villain then sure

[notcool-beans]

I stopped arguing and became so cold, I broke. Now they want to change. I don't believe it. There's no accountability and no space made for my pain.

so I guess i will be the villain. I just won't cry about it anymore and will embrace it.

[notcool-beans]

Eventually you learn to fight your battles silently. At least until a professional can be paid to listen.

[childishrage]

we have a very healthy victim/abuser relationship, actually, thanks for asking

[notcool-beans]

I keep crying.

I keep hating myself.

I keep wanting to say I love you.

But i keep feeling like it's not my place. I need to earn it. I need to rid myself of this toxicity. I don't want to be controlling.

I curse the wound of always having to beg for attention. It keeps bleeding out on to others.

Attention whores like me deserve every bit of loneliness that comes our way.

[maliusaidh]

[wetheurban]

You can't change people, but you can change your proximity, reactions, and boundaries.

[tremblingafterdark]

I think people who purposely point out someone's insecurities are real losers. Because it takes a specific kind of emptiness to look at someone's soft spot and decide that's exactly where you want to push. That's not confidence. That’s just someone showing you how little they think of themselves by how little they think of you.

~thefallenpoet

[s1ck-pup]

[nixscriptum]